It was a warm, dark night, and Justin and his girlfriend Maddie wanted to go swimming. Justin knew that the neighbors down the street were away for an extended time, and they had a beautiful inground pool in their backyard. So he and Maddie sneaked behind the neighbor’s house, scaled the fence surrounding the pool, and set out to enjoy an evening swim.
Justin threw off his shoes, climbed the diving-board ladder, and before Maddie could even get her shoes and socks off, dove in. He heard her scream just before he lost consciousness.
The neighbors had drained most of the water from the pool so there were only a few feet in the deep end. Unable to see this in the darkness, Justin’s dive ended with a shallow splash of water and a sickening crunch of bones. His late-night dive paralyzed him from the neck down for the rest of his life.
This couple wanted nothing more than to enjoy the pleasure of a twosome swim party. The fence marked a boundary—a boundary that implicitly said, “Do Not Enter,” “No Trespassing,” and “Keep Out.” But Justin saw the fence as a killjoy, meant to keep him and his girlfriend from having the fun they wanted. In reality, the fence was meant for his protection.
In raising your children you have no doubt at some point warned them, “Don’t touch the stove” or “Look both ways before you cross the street.” You’ve given them mundane instructions like “Don’t forget to brush your teeth.” You weren’t being a “killjoy”—your directives were meant for your child’s benefit. You naturally didn’t want them to get burned, be hit by a car, or get even one cavity in a tooth. The negative commands are human-made boundaries—like a fence designed to protect your child from harm.
You have probably been successful in teaching your child certain basics. They have probably learned that touching a hot stove will burn, that stepping in front of a speeding car will do damage, and that cavities will rot away teeth when they aren’t brushed consistently. But it is a greater challenge for young people, even adults of any age, to learn that violating God’s commands about sexual behavior causes suffering and heartache. And there is a good reason why that is such a challenge.
Touching a hot stove brings instant pain. Getting hit by a speeding car results in immediate damage. But engaging in sex is generally pleasurable whether it’s within the boundaries of marriage or not. The physical pleasure of sex can be gratifying regardless of whether it is morally permissible or not. A young person’s body doesn’t know whether it is married or not.
Reality is, in the heat of the moment sex feels good no matter if it is morally right or wrong. So we are not going to be very successful in teaching our kids that sex before marriage isn’t right because it doesn’t feel good. They have already been told by numerous outside sources that sex is great almost anytime. And it is generally portrayed in the media as instant pleasure with no long-term negative consequences. So how do we counter that?
Now, as parents or Christian leaders, what do we say to kids to keep them from doing something? We generally tell them how bad it is and all the negative consequences they’ll experience if they do X, Y, or Z. It would seem the last thing we want to say to a young person is how to get the most out of the thing we want them to avoid. Right?
Well, when it comes to sex, our kids need to understand how fantastic and great it is when it is experienced with the right person at the right time. In other words, when a person engages in sex within the context God designed, then he or she can enjoy it to the max! When we follow the instructions about how something is designed and the way it is made to work—it works. We simply maximize the benefits of things by using them the way they were designed to be used.
Have you ever tried to take a pet fish on a walk, or grow a palm tree at the North Pole, or simply screw a Phillips screw in with a conventional screwdriver? You will have problems all the way around. Why? Because fish were not created to take walks. They were designed to live in water, not on land. And if a fish is going to enjoy its life as it was meant to be enjoyed, then it has to live where it was created and meant to live—in water.
Palm trees were meant to flourish in perpetually warm weather. They are tropical trees. If they are to live as they were meant to live, they have to stay away from cold climates like the North Pole. Even a simple task like screwing a Phillips screw into a wall becomes hard when you use the wrong screwdriver. If machines, plants, and animals are going to experience maximum function they have to exist according to their design. It’s just that simple.
Our kids need to understand that sex is from God for a designed purpose. Sex is a fantastic gift to increasingly deepen a married couple’s love life, to bring joy and physical pleasure into their relationship, and to create a loving family of one or more children. If you respect and honor sex for how it was meant to be used then—wow, sex is one of the best things God created.
Let your kids know there is a clear way to enjoy the wonderful gift of sex. It’s not something dirty or wrong. It is a beautiful way to bond when one critical guideline is adopted—follow the instructions of how it was designed to be used! Make concerted efforts to let your kids know there is a specific design and a set of instructions that God gave us on how to maximize their sex lives.
Did you ever notice whenever God tells us “no” in his Word he does so out of two loving motivations? He always wants to provide for us and to protect us. Moses acknowledged God’s loving motivation when he challenged the nation of Israel:
Now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require from you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways and love him, and to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the LORD’s commandments and His statutes which I am commanding you today for your good? (Deuteronomy 10:12-13 NASB).
The reason God says no—“don’t do this” or “don’t do that”—is for our good. The reason he establishes boundaries and puts up the “Keep Out” sign is to provide for us and protect us. Check out Psalm 145. It describes God as a gracious provider and protector. And when it comes to the matter of sex, God also wants to be our provider and protector. But to experience this we must honor the boundaries and prohibition signs for sexual behavior. In other words, we must avoid sexual immorality.
In biblical terms, sexual immorality is all sex that occurs outside of a marriage between one man and one woman (extramarital and premarital sex). Scripture states:
• “You must abstain from…sexual immorality” (Acts 15:29).
• “Run from sexual sin!” (1 Corinthians 6:18).
• “We must not engage in sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 10:8).
• “Among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality…because these are improper for God’s holy people” (Ephesians 5:3 NIV).
• “God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin” (1 Thessalonians 4:3).
Respecting the boundaries of sexual morality and the “Stop” signs for extramarital and premarital sex does bring protection and provision. Here are just a few.
Protection from
guilt
unplanned pregnancy
sexually transmitted diseases
sexual insecurity
emotional distress
Provision for
spiritual rewards
optimum atmosphere for child-raising
peace of mind
trust
true intimacy
Experiencing those benefits definitely maximizes a person’s sex life in marriage. For example, as a young couple going together we (Josh and Dottie) made a decision early on to wait until the loving commitment of marriage before expressing ourselves sexually. That commitment meant we would remain sexually faithful to one another after marriage. And we have. Because we both were obedient to God’s commands regarding sex, we have been protected from feelings of guilt and have enjoyed an uninterrupted relationship with God.
We never had to go through the heartache of a pregnancy before marriage. Consequently, we did not experience the heart-wrenching ordeal of planning an adoption or struggling with getting married before we were ready because of pregnancy.
We have been protected from the fear that any sexually transmitted disease might come into our marriage bed.
We have been protected from the sexual insecurity that can occur from being compared to past sexual lovers one’s spouse may have had. And consequently, we have experienced the provision of trust in our relationship.
We have been protected from the emotional distress that premarital sex can bring and the feelings of betrayal that an extramarital affair can cause. As a result we have enjoyed relational intimacy together unobstructed by breaches of trust or ghosts from the past.
Sex as God designed it was meant to be lived within the context of healthy boundaries—prohibitions before marriage and fidelity after marriage. Following God’s design then allows a couple to experience the beauty of sex as it was meant to be experienced. But it is vitally important that our kids understand what these boundaries are and be able to identify them by name. Because these boundaries and limits are what makes the “no” such a positive answer. They are the very reason sex is maximized when we live within them.
We’ve already said that God’s boundaries are there to protect us and provide for us. And there are at least three sexual boundaries described in Scripture. Figuratively speaking, these three depict one pathway with two guiding guardrails. And when we walk that path, not straying off to the right or left, we maximize sex as God intended.
The Bible says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure” (Hebrews 13:4 NIV). “God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor—not in lustful passion… God has called us to live holy lives, not impure lives” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5,7).
Purity is God’s boundary that provides for a maximum sex life and protects us from the negative consequences of sexual immorality. But what does it mean to be pure?
Have you ever had a candy bar that identified itself on the wrapper as “pure milk chocolate”? What about a jar of honey? Some labels read “Pure honey—no artificial sweeteners.” Purity of chocolate or honey means there is no foreign substance to contaminate it or to keep it from being what authentic chocolate or honey is supposed to taste like.
To be pure sexually is to “live according to God’s original design,” without allowing anything to come in to ruin his authentic, perfect plan for sex. You see, sex was designed to be expressed between one husband and one wife. To have more than one sexual partner would be to bring a foreign substance into the relationship, and it would cease to be pure. If you were to drop a dirty pebble into a glass of pure water, it would become adulterated—or impure. A glass of water without any impurities in it is an unadulterated glass of water. God wants our sex lives to be unadulterated.
God’s design is that sex be experienced within an unbroken circle, a pure union between two virgins entering into an exclusive relationship. That pure union can be broken even before marriage, if one or both of the partners has not kept the marriage bed pure by waiting to have sex until it can be done in the purity of a husband-wife relationship.
And where did this sexual purity come from? From the very image of God himself. God says, “Be holy, for I am holy” (1 Peter 1:16 NASB). “Everyone who has this hope [of glory] in him purifies himself, just as he [God] is pure” (1 John 3:3 NIV). God by nature is holy and pure. “There is no evil in him” (Psalm 92:15). And when we reflect the image of God by remaining sexually pure before marriage and after marriage, we enjoy the protection and provision of sex and experience it as it was meant to be experienced.
The seventh commandment is “You must not commit adultery” (Exodus 20:13). Jesus made the point that once a man and woman are united as one in marriage they are not to commit adultery but remain faithful to one another. Jesus said, “Let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Mark 10:9). God told Israel, “I hate divorce!…so guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife” (Malachi 2:16).
What couples do at their wedding is commit to be faithful to one another…“to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness.” Perhaps nothing is more rewarding than to sense someone loves you more than any other and will devote themselves to you for life. Faithfulness is God’s boundary that provides for a maximum sex life and protects us from the negative consequences of sexual immorality.
My husband (Josh) has traveled away from home for most of our married life. He has had more than one opportunity to be unfaithful to me. But in over 40 years of marriage he has demonstrated a loyalty, a faithfulness, a devoted commitment to only one love and sex relationship in his life. And that is with me. That means the world to me. It deepens my own sense of worth, gives me security, and tells me I am loved. Of all the more than 3 billion women on this planet I am the one-and-only to my lover, Josh. That kind of love is something to cherish.
We were created by God with the desire and longing to be that “one and only” to someone else. It came directly from the very nature of God himself. “Understand…that the LORD your God is indeed God,” Moses told the Israelites. “He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand generations” (Deuteronomy 7:9). A faithful love commitment is yet another protection and provision boundary for our sex lives.
Sex is to be lived within the boundaries of purity on one side and faithfulness on the other. What that does is provide the solid path for a married couple’s sexual relationship. And that pathway is love.
Most kids growing up in a Christian home have a moral standard. If you have a teenager he or she probably believes that kids having sex with anyone, anytime is definitely wrong. And, of course, you should be proud he or she holds that view. But there’s a catch.
Most kids from good churches and Christian families feel that it is somehow different if two people are in a committed relationship where “true love” is involved. Then engaging in sex before marriage seems justified because “love makes it right.”
I (Josh) shock many parents and church leaders when I say that I agree, in a way, with today’s young people—I believe that true love does make it right. Now, before you e-mail me a complaint, hear me out. True love is the biblical standard for sex. The problem is, most youth are working from a counterfeit standard of love—one that says love permits sex without the boundaries of purity and fidelity.
What we need to understand is God’s definition of love. In 1 Corinthians, the apostle Paul gives a good description of what love does and does not do:
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out (1 Corinthians 13:4-6).
But that really doesn’t define what love is.
Paul wrote that “love does no wrong to others” (Romans 13:10). Instead, we are to treat all people as we would like to be treated. Remember the Golden Rule? “Do to others,” Jesus commanded, “whatever you would like them to do to you” (Matthew 7:12). Paul put it this way: “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4 NIV). Now we begin to see that real love isn’t self-seeking.
Now check out how Scripture commands a husband to love his wife.
Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church (Ephesians 5:28-29).
What kind of love is that? A love that feeds, nourishes, and provides for the other and also cares for, cherishes, and protects him or her.
With these verses and others as a guide, we can then define true love like this:
Love is making the security, happiness, and welfare of another person as important as your own.
When a person loves another person like that, he or she will allow the boundaries of purity and faithfulness to guide their sex life, because that provides for their happiness and protects them from harm. Love—true love—will wait until marriage to engage in sex and remain pure and faithful within marriage. So in that respect, true love does make it right.
And where does this love originate? From God, “for God is love” (1 John 4:8). God’s definition of love is the kind of love that protects the loved one from harm and provides for his or her good. His love is giving and trusting, secure and safe, loyal and forever. And because its priority is to protect and provide for the loved one, his kind of love will not do things that are harmful to the security, happiness, and welfare of another person.
Isn’t that the path you want your kids to walk down? Isn’t the commitment to purity and fidelity the boundaries you want your young people to embrace? It isn’t necessarily easy to instill these truths in our kids with a culture around them that says otherwise. But we are here to say it is possible. You don’t have to sit your kids down and try to teach them these truths in classroom fashion. In fact, that can be rather counterproductive. But there is a way to instill God’s plan for sex within your kids. There is an approach that will promote a positive response from them. And many parents and Christian leaders simply overlook it. That is the subject of the next chapter.