He rushed up to me and squeezed my arm. I turned. He spoke without introducing himself. “Josh, what do I do about my family?”
I had just finished speaking to over 600 pastors in the Philippines about “How to Be a Hero to Your Kids.” This particular pastor explained to me that his three children—17, 13, and 10 years of age—were considered to be “the worst kids in the church.”
“I’ve done everything I know to do,” he said. “I have preached God’s Word to them constantly. I’ve made them memorize Scripture. They know what is expected of them, but they are rebelling. What do I do?”
There was a sense of desperation in this father’s voice. He was trying in every way to get his kids to live within the boundaries of God’s instructions. He wanted them to experience the protection and provision of obedience. We all want the same for our kids too.
I touched him on his shoulder and looked directly into his eyes.
“Brother, my advice to you is to forget the rules.”
“What?” he responded in disbelief. “That’s what’s wrong—they’re not obeying any rules. They don’t even think they need to!”
“I know what you’re saying,” I told him, “but I repeat, lay off emphasizing the rules.”
On the surface that doesn’t seem like good advice, does it? We all know that rules are important because they provide the boundaries or guidelines for our actions. But that is only the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. We need to understand what brings about real change in our kids’ behavior. Because that is what we want in the first place—to guide our kids to make right choices, and when they don’t we want to lead them back on the right path. But how do we do that? Dottie and I have found the charts on the following pages and their explanations key in helping us guide our own kids to make right moral choices.
We know that each of our actions and all of our behavior is fostered by something. That something is our values. Moral choices are actually dictated by the values we hold. But what forms our values? Our values are formed out of our beliefs. Each of us comes to believe certain things are true or not true about the world around us. Those beliefs form our values and our values drive our behavior (see diagram).
What we believe can also be referred to as our worldview. What is a worldview? Simply stated, it’s how we view our world. A worldview is what we assume to be true about the basic makeup of our world. It is the lens through which we see the world. It’s like our mental map of reality. So why, for example, do 67 percent of young men and 49 percent of young women consider viewing pornography as acceptable behavior?1 Their values tell them it’s okay because their worldview (their beliefs) has adopted pornography as an acceptable expression of sexuality. Certain beliefs have molded their values, and their values drive their actions.
So if our pastor friend from the Philippines simply addresses the action or behavior of his three children, just how far will he get? Oh, he might alter certain behavior with rules or restrictions for a time. But lasting change has to begin on a much deeper level. Many parents, as we stated earlier, homeschool their children or send them to Christian schools, youth group, or Christian summer camp in hopes of changing or molding their behavior. Their hope is that their kids will be taught the right things so they will believe God’s truth about love and sex and what is right and wrong. Then perhaps they will make right moral choices. That all may be fine and good—but we are here to say, if teaching your kids to believe the truth is all that you do, it won’t be good enough.
Not long ago, I (Josh) was speaking at a large church in the Midwest. The church had just completed a building project and moved into their large, new facility. As I approached the entrance, I noticed a huge banner hanging across the building. It read, “We preach the truth—and the truth only!”
Now of course we are to teach our kids God’s truth—that’s how they adopt correct beliefs and form a biblical worldview. But I’ve heard enough similar statements to be suspicious when people talk about the “truth only.” So my first thought on seeing the banner was, If that sign means what I suspect it means, this church is doomed to failure.
A lot of parents are caught in this same trap. They think they have gone deep enough if they can get their kids to believe God’s truth, because then they will hold the right values and do the right things. But this approach is doomed to failure because it is missing the key ingredient that makes God’s truth come alive and transform a person’s life. And that key is relationship!
King David said, “Declare me innocent, O LORD, for I have acted with integrity…I have lived according to your truth” (Psalm 26:1,3). When we only quote verse 1 and the latter part of verse 3, as we have done here, we overlook the very context that truth is to live within. You see, God’s truth is always given to us from a loving God who has our best interest at heart. Let’s read the whole of verse 3.
For I am always aware of your unfailing love and I have lived according to your truth (Psalm 26:3).
David was constantly aware of the unfailing love of God and the relational connection to him. He saw God’s truth within the context of a loving Father who cared about his child. He would later pray, “Teach me your ways, O LORD, that I may live according to your truth,” acknowledging that “your love for me is very great” (Psalm 86:11,13). David saw a direct relationship between knowing and loving God and then living in a way to please his loving Father. He had discovered that his right living was empowered by God’s unfailing love toward him. The apostle John discovered that power as well when he said, “We love, because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19 NASB).
It’s true, as we have stated before, that beliefs shape our values and values drive our actions. Yet the reality is that we all interpret what we believe about God, ourselves, and all of life through our relationship experiences. King David had it right—correct actions come out of embracing God’s truth (beliefs and values), and it is all powered by the unfailing love of God (relationship).
All that your young people have learned—everything they know, even how they learned it—has come out of a relationship with someone or something. We don’t often think of it that way, but much of what each of us is today is a direct result of who we are related to and how. And it is out of these relationships that we establish our beliefs—our worldview. Loving relationships are the fertile ground in which your young people’s beliefs grow that shape their values that drive their actions (see diagram).
Why are relationships so important to developing right beliefs, values, and actions? Because we were created that way. The relational God of the universe planted deep within each of us an identifying marker or distinguishing characteristic of his own likeness—and that was the capacity for loving relationships. We know that from Scripture (Genesis 1:26-27). And recently medical science has confirmed that truth in the development of the structure of the brain.
A number of years ago Dartmouth Medical School commissioned a scientific study of young people. The project, which was called “Hardwired to Connect,” analyzed the results of more than 260 studies of youth. The report stated that 100 percent of all the studies they analyzed showed that from the moment a baby is born his or her brain is physically, biologically, and chemically hardwired to connect with others in relationships.2 This is why highly respected Dr. Allan Schore of the UCLA School of Medicine said, “We are born to form attachments. Our brains are physically wired to develop in tandem with another through emotional communication before words are spoken.”3 That shouldn’t surprise us, since we were created in the image of a relational God. Yet far too often we convey rules and truth apart from loving relationships. We, like our two pastor friends, “preach the truth and the truth only.”
In Ephesians, the apostle Paul said to “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15). The truth was always designed to be taught within the context of a loving relationship. Paul said, “We loved you so much that we shared with you not only God’s Good News but our own lives, too” (1 Thessalonians 2:8). Paul wasn’t promoting a “truth only” approach; he was teaching within the context of a living relationship with those he loved. And that is when the truth took root and people’s actions changed.
In fact, without healthy relationships, all attempts to instill beliefs, values, and right actions will be ineffective because they are detached from the necessary elements of personal love and care. It is his personal love and care that God uses to help a person make right moral choices. That is why truth without relationships most often leads to rejection, and discipline or rules without relationships often lead to anger and resentment. But when you place truth within the context of loving relationships, you almost always get a positive response. Why was King David living according to God’s truth? Because he was constantly aware of his heavenly Father’s “unfailing love”—truth within the context of loving relationships.
Teaching our kids the truth, what is right and what is wrong about sex, within the context of relationships is vital. Our young people will most likely need to correct their actions—avoid pornography, resist sexual pressure, live within the boundaries of purity and faithfulness, and express love as God defines it. And they will be much more receptive to those instructions—and in fact they will be empowered to live accordingly—as they sense your unfailing love. But they need more than to feel your love; they need to see it lived out before them.
The apostle John said, “Let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions” (1 John 3:18). For our kids to embrace our beliefs, adopt our values, and make right moral choices, they need to also see truth modeled in our own lives.
When we (Josh and Dottie) saw unhealthy attitudes or wrong actions in our children we of course corrected them. But we learned that our efforts really weren’t effective unless our kids could answer yes to three very important questions. Their answers told us whether we were being the right kind of model or not. So when I (Josh) saw something that Kelly did wrong that definitely needed to be addressed, I would ask these questions:
1. “Kelly, do you know that I love you?”
2. “Do you know that I love your mother?”
3. “When you get married, do you want in marriage and love and sex and family life what I have with your mom and you kids?”
If she would answer yes to each of those questions I knew I was in a great position to guide her. I could say, “Kelly, what you are doing can rob you in the future of the kind of things you see me enjoying in my own marriage.” Because my daughter was seeing a model of relationships she could believe in, she was far more receptive to my instructions. If our kids don’t see it, it will be hard for them to believe it.
The apostle Paul said, “Pattern your lives after mine, and learn from those who follow our example” (Philippians 3:17). The word example in the Greek is tupos, which means a pattern or model to be replicated or reproduced. Paul was saying that his life was a model to be followed. Your life and ours are also to be a model for our kids to follow. No, we aren’t perfect. In fact, there is no such thing as perfect parents. But even in our imperfections we can model humility and be people who seek forgiveness when we’re wrong.
I (Dottie) remember a time when Josh and I were in a heated discussion in earshot of the kids. At one point in the argument Josh got quite animated. He threw a folder down on the table and said, “I’m out of here.” He then stormed out the door and drove off. None of this went unnoticed by the rest of the family.
But it wasn’t long before he was back. He called everyone in for a meeting. In front of all the kids he told me how wrong he had been. He said he was sorry that he’d hurt me emotionally and sought my forgiveness. He then turned to the kids and told them how disrespectful he had been to their mother and sought their forgiveness. Now, Josh’s earlier actions were far from a perfect model, but he was, nonetheless a great model of what you do when you blow it.
Believe it or not, your young people need to see you fail and humbly seek forgiveness as well as see you as a model of right living. Paul explained how he had brought people to God “by my message and by the way I lived before them” (Romans 15:18 NLT). It takes both our words of truth within the context of relationships and our lives as a model. We “show the truth by our actions” (1 John 3:18).
Johns Hopkins Medical School commissioned a study of 1337 medical doctors who had graduated from their institution. They were interested in childhood family relationships as a factor for certain conditions and diseases. It turned out that mental illness and major cancers were clearly related to lack of closeness to one’s parents, especially the father.4
When I read that study I was shocked. I called Johns Hopkins Medical School and got in touch with the researchers of the study. I wanted to find out why the lack of closeness to one’s father was such a key factor. It took the researchers only about three minutes to convince me why that was the case. They said anyone with a disconnected relationship with their father is more likely to have increased stress in life, and stress is the primary contributing factor in the conditions mentioned.
These and other studies were landmark findings back in the early and mid-1980s. Many studies followed that closely tracked previous studies’ indications that relationships and our physical health are interrelated. As recently as February 2012 Time magazine reported,
Studies have shown that people with close social networks have lower blood pressure, lower levels of stress hormones and more robust immune systems than those without. In 2010, scientists at Brigham Young University analyzed data gathered from more than 300,000 people. They found that having poor social connections can raise the risk of premature death as high as that from a smoking habit and even higher than that from obesity.5
Kids need the loving relationships of their mom and dad to grow up healthy physically, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally, which will lead to right choices. And the father connection is vital.
Maria Kefalas, a sociologist who studies marriage and family issues, coauthored a seminal book on low-income mothers called Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage. She says, “Women always tell me, ‘I can be a mother and a father to a child,’ but it’s not true. Growing up without a father has a deep psychological effect on a child. The mom may not need that man, but her children still do.”6
Columbia University did an extensive study on how a two-parent biological family and a single-parent family headed by a mother affect a teen’s involvement in drugs, alcohol, and violence. They reported that a child raised by a single-parent mother is 30 percent more likely to get involved in drugs, alcohol, and violence than a child in a supportive two-parent home.7 Relationships within the family with the mom and especially the dad make all the difference in the world to how a child acts out.
God designed us as relational beings. We all need the unfailing love of a mother and a father and the abiding friendships of others. And if we don’t get those relational connections we suffer the consequences, especially when we lack a father connection.
We are making a special point about the need for fathers to make a deep relational connection with their kids. It’s not that men have less of a desire to connect with their children than moms—it’s just that most men don’t intuitively know how. That is why we devoted an entire book to the subject, entitled The Father Connection. We wanted to help dads know how to better connect on a deep level with their sons and daughters.* But the fact that kids are crying out for their fathers should not be seen as a negative reflection on you mothers.
For the most part, studies and our own observations show that you moms are doing it right. Most kids in many respects take their mothers for granted. They sense mom is going to be there for them, to listen to them, to hurt with them, to sympathize with them. But with dad it’s another matter. Kids generally don’t feel that same relational security with their father. And it negatively impacts them. Most fathers could learn so much from their wives if they would just listen.
And if you are a single mom, let us say this to you: You are doing a far better job with your kids than you think. No, you can’t model before your kids a woman’s love for a man or a man’s love for a woman. But you can be there for your children with all the God-given nurturing and love and support that he gives you. Your kids know you have it rough and somehow know you are going the extra mile every single day.
Also consider this: If your children’s father is no longer around or is not a suitable dad, look for mature, godly men in your church who can provide a positive role model of Christian manhood for your kids. Perhaps another dad would be willing to include your kids in family outings or make special efforts to befriend and talk with them. A father figure has a tremendous influence in a child’s life. And in families where the father is absent, it’s wise to try filling this void with a friend who can serve as a positive role model to your kids.
And for all moms: You, more than anyone else, will determine how your children see their father. You have enormous power either to support Dad in his love toward his children or to undermine him and make him look incompetent in their eyes. Encourage your husband in his attempts at fathering. He needs it. Be supportive in your words to him and to your children. He needs you more than he probably realizes. So be patient, be wise, and continue to encourage him to be there for the kids.
When your child reaches the teenage years it may seem he or she doesn’t want the physical and emotional affection of Mom or Dad. But perhaps more than any time in their life a teenager needs to experience the “unfailing love” of his or her parents.
A young girl wrote a song about her absentee dad, talking about wearing his old clothes. She dreamed of another dad, one who would never abandon her, one who would hold her.
That young girl grew up to record that song under the title “Confessions of a Broken Heart.” She would perform in movies, be in and out of jail, go to rehab, and struggle “getting her act together.” And so when you look beyond the erratic behavior of actor, songwriter, and musical artist Lindsay Lohan, you see a girl in search of her father’s love.
An extraordinarily talented five-year-old boy was rehearsing with his four brothers. The singing brothers were practicing for an upcoming TV special. Their father was guiding them through a number, and they weren’t getting their parts just right. The little five-year-old wanted a clarification so he started to ask a question. “Daddy,” he began. But instantly his father interrupted him and sternly stated, “I’m not your father now—I’m your manager, and don’t you ever forget it.” And little Michael Jackson never did.
A few years before his death Michael was speaking to some 800 students at Oxford University, promoting his newly formed foundation Help the Children. About 15 minutes into his presentation he began to weep almost uncontrollably. After a few minutes he regained his composure and seemingly out of nowhere said, “I just wanted a dad. I wanted a father to show me love. But I never once heard my father say, ‘Michael, I love you.’”8
More than fortune or fame, more than peer acceptance or anything else your kids could dream of, they want to know you are there for them with “unfailing love.” No, you don’t toss out the rules or lower the boundaries of protection and provision. They need the boundaries to feel secure. But they need those rules and boundaries within the context of your loving relationship. The power of your love toward them will be the motivating factor to make right moral choices.
When you finish reading these words, go to your child or teenager and surprise them with a hug. As you wrap your arms around them let them hear your words, “I love you.” And then commit to letting them see your love modeled before them every day. As you do, you will be convincing their emotions that you are there for them with an “unfailing love.” Your loving relationship can empower them to believe right, embrace the right values, and live right.
Obviously this is easier said than done. We as parents and Christian leaders may know it is vitally important to build a rich relationship with each of our kids. Yet knowing how to do that is another story and many more books. But rather than just stating the need for it we would like to provide at least the basics for relationship building. Much of what we share in the next chapter is drawn from our book How to Be a Hero to Your Kids. Since we wrote that book our kids have grown up and started families of their own. So we asked them to share how some of the relational building blocks we attempted to implement affected them. Read on.
* We encourage you to obtain The Father Connection. There is more information about it in the back of this book.