“All right—guarantee me that if I build the right kind of relationship with my kids they will do the right things, make the right choices, and live a life I’ll be proud of.”
We wish we could. We wish we could say that following the best advice on how to connect relationally with your kids will forever protect them from the heartache of wrong choices and provide them with true happiness. But we can’t.
After all your best efforts, your kids may still reject you and your values. But we can say this: By making every effort to build a healthy relationship with your kids and by providing wise information about sex, your chances are much higher. By taking the right steps you are giving your kids a fighting chance of making it successfully through the sexual land mines the enemy has laid before them.
Following is a brief summary of what we call the “7 A’s: The Building Blocks of Relationships.” Apply these and your kids will be more receptive to what you have to say because they will know and feel that you truly care.*
“It didn’t work, Josh,” a father lamented to me. “I took time to be with my son and it was a total failure.”
“What did you do together?” I asked.
“Well, I love to golf,” he said, “so I took him golfing with me and it was a disaster.”
“Does your son like to golf?” I inquired.
“No, but I do,” he responded.
This father brought his son into his own world of golf—a world his son didn’t like—with a disastrous result. Why? Because the son knew all his father cared about is what “Dad wanted to do.” On the other hand, when we approach our young people’s world, we say to them, “I care about you and what you are interested in.”
I’m Kelly, the oldest of the McDowell children. Now married with a career of my own I look back on how my parents entered my world. I remember at one point three of us children were playing soccer, all on different teams. There were often six games a week. Yet my mom drove us to every game. I just can’t imagine how that could be fun as a mother. Yet every time we left for a game or practice, Mom would always say, “Yeah! We have soccer today. It’s going to be so fun to cheer for you.” That sure told us she cared about us and our interests.
I also remember when I was into snowboarding. My dad took me and my sister to a ski resort to try out our new snowboards. We figured Dad was just going to watch since he didn’t ski. But during one of our runs riding up the ski lift I saw Dad on the towrope! My jaw dropped. Dad had never skied in his life, but he wanted to surprise us at the top by skiing down with us. That has always stuck with me. Fortunately he didn’t break any legs, but it sure spoke volumes to my sister and me. Dad approached our world and that really told us he cared.
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Unplanned Pregnancy made this appeal to parents: “Be supportive and be interested in what interests them. Attend their sports events; learn about his hobbies; be enthusiastic about her achievements, even the little ones; ask them questions that show you care and want to know what is going on in their lives.”1 And when you do, it opens them up to hear from you, learn from you, and follow your example.
It was like it was all a dream. I (Dottie) sat there in silence, steam rising from the hood, crushed metal all around me. Was I hurt? Was anyone else hurt? I was just 16 and I had totaled my dad’s car.
Naturally I wasn’t looking forward to telling my dad what I had just done to his car. What would he say? “Dorothy, what in the world have you done?” or “Weren’t you watching the road?” or “How fast were you going anyway?” or “Young lady, do you know how much this is going to cost me?” But Dad said nothing like that. The first words out of his mouth were: “Oh, Dorothy, I’m so glad you weren’t hurt!” Over and over Dad just told me how glad he was I was safe. He never once scolded me or lamented the loss of the car. I never forgot it—my dad accepted me even as an immature16-year-old driver.
When we accept our young people for who they are, we give them a sense of security. Acceptance deals with embracing people for who they are, rather than what they do. When your kids feel accepted without condition, they are more likely to be vulnerable and transparent, opening up greater trust between you. Growing up I felt accepted for just being me. And it created a secure feeling in me that no matter what happened, I’d be loved.
The apostle Paul tells us to “accept each other just as Christ has accepted you” (Romans 15:7). And how does Christ accept you? Unconditionally, right where you are, warts and all. Sure, God wants you to turn away from wrong and make the right choices. But your failures don’t affect his love and acceptance of you, because you are his son or daughter. Doesn’t that give you a phenomenal sense of security? And doesn’t knowing your heavenly Father is not judgmental make it easier to talk to him? Your kids will feel the same way toward you as you increasingly demonstrate you accept them for who they are without condition.
Are you busy? Do you at times feel rushed? Are there not enough hours in a day to do what needs to get done? We all seem to live a fast-paced life these days.
I (Josh) cannot tell you how many times I have allowed my hectic schedule to delay my time with my children. “Not now, Sean, I have a talk to prepare. We’ll talk later.” “Katie, I have an appointment downtown…we’ll need to talk after I’m done.” “Heather, maybe later, I need to pack for the airport.” “Kelly, I’m pretty exhausted right now, how about after dinner?” Every time I said things like that, I was communicating to my kids that they were not as important as whatever was on my agenda. It breaks my heart when I think about it now.
The way our kids spell love is “T-I-M-E.” And when we make ourselves available to our children we give them a sense of importance. When we put them off we are in essence saying, “I love you, but other things still come ahead of you.”
Life with all its demands doesn’t allow us to drop everything every time and give our kids the attention they want. But we need to let them know they are extremely important to us, and giving them our time is one of the best ways to do that.
I’m Katie, the third in line of the McDowell children. My dad traveled a lot and wasn’t always available in person. But I remember so many phone calls with him. I remember going on the road with him during school breaks and in the summer. And when he was home it seemed like he always picked me up from school. Once, he picked me up in a horse-drawn carriage and took me out for a banana split. Even when a parent’s schedule is hectic and full there are ways to make our kids feel they are important. I am sure motivated to make time for my own family.
I’m Heather, the youngest of the McDowell children. During high school, I tended to be on the emotional side. My feelings could go from happy to sad and back to happy in the course of about ten minutes. I am still a little dramatic as an adult. But one thing my mom always did is validate my feelings. I didn’t always express them in the right way, and sometimes I was downright wrong. But my mom didn’t condemn me—she simply met me at the point of my pain or frustration and affirmed me. As a result, I felt understood.
We parents won’t always understand the feelings of our children, but we can validate that what they are feeling is real. Often the emotions of a young person are simply an outpouring of their personal experience and their internal world. Feelings represent their reality, and when we seek to understand that reality, we build a bridge of communication. When we affirm the feelings of our young people we give them a sense of authenticity. Affirming their feelings tells them they’re cherished individuals with valid feelings. And when we identify with their excitement or disappointment, we let them know that we care and that they’re understood for who they really are. Affirming your children’s feelings is one of the most effective ways to identify with them, giving them a sense of being known and accepted.
Being the first child in a family and getting all the attention from your grandparents is really great. At least that is what little Scottie James, our grandson, thought until his little baby sister, Shauna, showed up.
Living close to our son, Sean, has allowed me (Dottie) to visit my grandson Scottie quite a bit. And when his sister was born I was doubly glad I lived nearby. Shauna was a delicate newborn, and three-year-old Scottie was a bit aggressive with his hugs of affection. Rather than scolding him when he gave his “attack hugs” to his sister I would step in and help him tone it down a little. I would guide him in gently stroking baby Shauna’s head or hand. And as he did I would be effusive in my praise. “Wow, Scottie,” I would say. “Grammy is so-o-o proud of how gentle you are with your baby sister!” Immediately Scottie’s eyes would brighten and he would smile and nod his little head as if to say, “Thanks, Grammy, I needed that.”
While acceptance is the foundation for a secure relationship, appreciation can be considered a cornerstone. When we express appreciation to our kids, we give them a sense of significance, the feeling or thought that they’ve done or said something worthwhile. Accepting young people tells them that their being matters; expressing appreciation to them says that their doing matters. Catch your kids doing something right and show appreciation. The more we caught our three daughters and son doing things right and expressed appreciation, the less likely there was an opportunity to catch them doing something wrong.
What a way to start out—enveloped by the warm human touch of a mother for nine full months. There was never a moment you didn’t feel connected and close as you grew in your mother’s womb. And then after birth you probably felt the warm embrace of a mother’s arms. From that time forward you and your children have had the need for affection.
Expressing affection to our kids through loving words and appropriate touch communicates that they’re worth loving. When we show affection to young people, we give them a sense of lovability. Every expression of care and closeness provides emotional reinforcement, helping kids to realize they’re loved. Affection can be expressed through words and appropriate physical contact.
We can say “I love you” to our children in a variety of different ways—a hug, a peck on the cheek, an arm around the shoulder, and so on. Words of affection or touching somehow reconnect us with one another and make us feel close. Perhaps nothing brings down defenses and allows us to open up to another than appropriate affection. No wonder Scripture instructs us to “greet one another with [affection] a holy kiss” (Romans 16:16 NIV).
I’m Sean, the only son in the McDowell family. I too appreciate how Mom and Dad built lasting relationships with us through acceptance, affirmation, availability, appreciation, and affection. But I also am glad they held us accountable.
I remember when I was in grade school and I really blew it. There were a couple of guys on the soccer team who didn’t like me. I don’t know why it was, but they pretty much ignored me and I felt left out. During class one day, our teacher, Mrs. Carlson, was getting after my two “not-so-close friends.”
When she turned around to write something on the board, I had the idea to stand up for my teammates. I thought that might get me noticed and endear me to them. So I gave Mrs. Carlson a one-finger salute. Well, that got me noticed all right.
Right after class, all the kids, including my two teammates, gathered around me and treated me like a celebrity. Problem was, word got back to my mom and dad. And I immediately lost the celebrity status.
My parents didn’t ground me, deny me a meal or two, or make me go to my room. They sat me down and calmly probed to figure out what I did and why I did it. They both led me to see how disrespectful my actions were to my teacher.
Acknowledging my wrong wasn’t such a big deal. But what they said I needed to do was. They told me I needed to apologize to Mrs. Carlson in front of the entire class and also apologize to the class. My dad told me he would go with me if I wanted him to. I said I could do it on my own. It was a humiliating experience. But I learned I was responsible for my actions.
And there was a bonus. My soccer teammates thought my apology was the gutsiest thing they had ever seen. They became my friends after that.
To connect relationally with our kids we need to show them affirmation, acceptance, appreciation, affection, availability, and a sincere enthusiasm to approach their world. Still, if we don’t balance these relational building blocks with loving limits and boundaries, they won’t learn responsibility. When we provide loving accountability to our young people, we give them a sense of responsibility.
Accountability provides the parameters within which a young person can operate safely and securely. Kids need the loving authority of parents and other caring adults so they can learn to make responsible, right choices.
None of us learn to make right moral choices in a vacuum. God intended that children learn to distinguish right from wrong and good from evil within the context of loving relationships. Simply warning your kids to avoid premarital sex isn’t enough. The better your relationship, the better your warnings and teaching will stick. The rest of this book includes various tips and ideas for your conversations about the vital subject of sex. We encourage you to share them within the context of a loving relationship demonstrated by the 7 A’s.
* For a complete treatment of each “A,” see the book How to Be a Hero to Your Kids, which is described in the back of this book.