She tapped me on the shoulder. “Mr. McDowell, thank you so much for what you shared. I have never heard anything like this before.”
I had just finished a seminar talk on the “Bare Facts About Sex” and this mother wanted to let me know she was going to “apply” the message. She went on to say, “I’ve got to have my husband give our son ‘the talk.’”
Without trying to sound alarmed, I replied, “How old is your son?” She said, “Thirteen.” I had to control my surprise and astonishment. “You haven’t been interacting with your son before this about sexual issues?” I asked. She said, “Oh, no…we haven’t had the chance.”
The “big talk” is a relic of the past, and never should have been endorsed in the first place! The Journal of Family Issues reported that “just half of adolescents feel they had one ‘good talk’ about sexuality during the past year with their mothers—and only one third with their fathers.”1
Sexual issues are not learned in a “big talk.” It is, instead, an unfolding process with information given out in little chunks at a time. Deal with issues and opportunities as they arise. Most young children cannot absorb or grasp more than just short conversations. They can and will forget the “big talk” very quickly.
The best sex education is 30 seconds here, 1 minute there, 10 seconds here, 2 minutes and 45 seconds there, and so on, starting as young as possible. When something comes up—step in, address it, and step back. Don’t make a big deal out of it. In our family, about half of all conversations we had with our children about sex were no more than about two minutes each time.
For most children, the topic of sex comes in stages. They very seldom open up all at once. Kids open up as the result of an ongoing dialogue as they mature and grow older. Be ready, though, because when they do open up, it can often happen at the most inopportune times and places.
“For the life of me,” says our son, Sean, “I cannot remember a first distinct time when I talked about sex with my parents. And I think that’s because in my family, it was just a natural part of life. It’s not that we talked about it all the time—but when it came up at the dinner table or in the car or before bed we simply talked about it. It was just like other topics—just a normal part of our conversation. So there was no one distinct time where I got the ‘big talk.’”
Deb Koster of FamilyFire.com summed up a healthy approach:
In our family, we’ve always tried to have these conversations with our kids in simple and relaxed ways at young ages so the pressure for the “BIG TALK” never had a chance to build up. That way we created an environment where they felt comfortable coming to us with questions and we could be their source of information.2
The Bible is clear about the most effective way to teach truth to our children. “Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (Deuteronomy 6:7 NIV). Even the National PTA encourages this scriptural model: “Since most young children can only take in small bits of information at any one time, they won’t learn all they need to know about a particular topic from a single discussion.”3
The “Guide to Healthy Adolescent Development” from the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health offers these basic guidelines:
1. Have ongoing conversations with your children.
2. Share with small children slowly and in small chunks.
3. Do not try to cover all aspects of a question. For example, with the question “Mommy, how do babies come out?” all they need are short, simple (but honest), and accurate answers, such as “The baby comes out through a passage in mommy’s body called a vagina.”
4. As kids get older, they can handle more details and frankness.
5. Public questions often require (soft) public answers. For example: “You’re in a crowded café, enjoying a salad with your eight-year-old, when suddenly she loudly asks, ‘Mum, what’s oral sex?’ leaving you to wonder which is redder, you or the beetroot.”4
In a situation like that you don’t simply say, “Shut up and eat your salad.” First try not to panic or act too surprised. But don’t shy away from the question either. Instead, either answer it right away or calmly say, “Honey, let Daddy/Mommy answer that question as soon as we finish eating.” Then, make sure you do answer.
One of the things I (Dottie) share with young mothers, including my own daughters, is this: You would never consider waiting to talk to your children about your faith in only “one big talk.” You would lovingly and intentionally be sharing things about the Bible and God over time. It is similar regarding sex. We shouldn’t assume that “one big talk” will answer every question our children have about the subject. Sex is a subject that must be examined early, often and with great patience, wisdom, loving-kindness and, at times, with a sense of humor. Relax and remember the key words: early, often, and honestly.