Pure and simple, if you don’t talk to your kids about sex, someone else will. Your kids will gain an understanding about sex one way or another. And if you don’t give them the right information, they will no doubt get misinformation. And that misinformation can range from the unfortunate to the tragic.
Author and pastor Jack Wellman shares his story.
I never knew my father. I lived with my aunt for a long time and no one ever talked about sex, so we learned about it from my friends and from the playground (or the street).
It seemed that what I learned was always wrong too. I remember being told in the first grade that if I kissed a girl she would have a baby…needless to say I was terrified for a long time to even touch a girl, not to mention kiss one. When my aunt would kiss me, it horrified me because I didn’t understand.
So if you don’t talk to your kids about sex, without embarrassment and without putting them off, they will learn about it one way or another. It will usually be wrong. There is never a question that your children should be afraid or embarrassed to ask you. That kind of safe-zone builds trust and provides an environment where they can come to you about anything. And that is the best of situations; especially when they come to the issue of sex.1
You have the opportunity to place sex within the context of a loving family and avoid the confusion and misinformation Jack experienced. But not talking to your kids about sex means they will learn it from other sources. And if that source is the Internet, that opens them up to the over 5 million pornographic websites that are out there.
As we mentioned in the first chapter of this book, when a child or teenager learns about sex from pornographic sites they learn about the misuse of sex—a distorted view of morality. But it also opens them up to becoming addicted to pornography.
Tragically, some parents are in denial and question if pornography is really harmful or that accessible. They ask, “What harm can it do?” Recently, a Christian tweeted me (Josh) in response to these warnings and said, “What does it matter what our kids see… our Gospel of Christ is compelling…why do you fear the Internet?”
Many studies have documented the adverse effects pornography has on an individual. In 2005, Dr. Jill Manning, author of What’s the Big Deal About Pornography? testified before a U.S. Senate subcommittee on the harms of pornography. There she cited numerous effects that have been documented on children and adolescents when directly exposed to pornography. Some of the effects include
• lasting negative or traumatic emotional responses
• earlier onset of first sexual involvement
• increased risk for developing sexual compulsion and addictive behavior
• increased risk of gaining an incorrect and out-of-context view of sex
• the objectification of another human being for selfish sexual gratification2
Granted, all these negative effects may not be caused by casual or intermittent exposure to pornography. However, the real danger is in the massive amount of sexually perverted material that is available to your children. The sheer overexposure tends to desensitize a young person. Rather than gaining a correct biblical view of sexual morality, young people will tend to think everyone is doing whatever they want sexually. This is clearly the impression given through cyberspace.
We will not be able to protect our children from all the misinformation or perverted views about sex they may hear about or see. But if we are the ones who reach our kids first with God’s design for sex, it will go a long way in insulating them from the negative impact of pornography, perverted morality, and the misinformation about sex.