Children by nature are curious—some more than others. And there is something fascinating, mysterious, and intriguing about sex that makes all of us curious. So the issue isn’t with our kids being too curious. The problem occurs when their curiosity isn’t satisfied.
It is completely normal and natural for our kids to wonder about sex and want to have answers to their questions. There is a real danger if we don’t respond to their curiosity. Remember, they will get answers from somewhere or someone. The National Physicians Center for Family Resources states that “curiosity about sex will not go away if it is never discussed. In fact, avoiding the subject can make sex seem even more mysterious and exciting.”1
Recent studies have shown that “before age 10, children usually are not sexually active or preoccupied with sexual thoughts, but they are curious and may start to collect information and form myths about sex from friends, schoolmates, and family members.”2
How a child’s curiosity is satisfied from 4 to 12 years of age often determines their sexuality from 12 to 18 years old. Drs. Clea McNeely and Jayne Blanchard of Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health explain:
It is by far best for a child to get his or her curiosity satisfied by mom and dad. Their curiosity at this age is critical because their sexual attitudes during their teen years are often formed by the answers they get to their curiosity before 10 years old (6 to 10 years).3
What a privilege and opportunity to mold our children’s lives and their future behavior. Answering honestly is their best guide. The general rule in the McDowell household was to give a brief, simple, accurate answer…just enough to satisfy their curiosity—for example, “Girls have vulvas and vaginas, and boys have penises and testicles.” They don’t need a lengthy, in-depth, Sex 101 answer. Much more than a short answer will often bore a child.
When our children were young they were curious about their private parts. When I (Dottie) would bathe them, I would routinely refer to body parts with their correct descriptions. I made it a point to talk about private parts as calmly and deliberately as I did fingers, toes, and ankles. This was an intentional decision to communicate a natural comfort level when discussing our bodies. This honesty early on set the stage for relaxed discussions later.
A preschooler is content with vague sexual information such as “Babies grow inside mommies.” But later on, there will be questions and curiosity about how the baby gets inside the mom’s tummy. They may ask questions like “Does Mommy vomit up the baby?” Or “Does Daddy unzip Mommy’s tummy?” Or “Does Mommy poop the baby out?” The child is looking for simple, honest explanations.
Parenting specialist Margaret Renkl gives an excellent answer: “ ‘Most babies come out through the mommy’s vagina.’ If your child asks a follow-up question, then you can add, ‘The vagina is like a tube inside the mommy. It stretches really wide so the baby can get outside.’”4
No matter what the age, our children deserve honest answers, but those answers need to be scaled down to their level of maturity. And just because a teen or pre-teen has questions about how a girl gets pregnant, what condoms are for, or what oral sex is, that doesn’t mean they are planning to become sexually active. It’s best to answer their questions without assuming that curiosity is a danger sign. The danger sign is in not satisfying their curiosity with honest answers.