Some of the material our kids are seeing and reading is horrific. Much of it is shocking and makes us uncomfortable. Yet from the moment our children are born, we need to create an atmosphere of openness and approachability that makes any and all questions from them acceptable. If you act repulsed or surprised or appear uncomfortable about your child’s question, it may be the last question he or she will ask. No question should be off-limits.
The attitude that no questions are taboo will have a tremendous impact on your child’s understanding and behavior. But you need to verbalize your openness. Jerald Newberry, Executive Director of the National Education Association’s Health Information Network says, “You want to be someone the child feels comfortable in coming to with questions. Let your children and teens know that you are always open to discussing anything.”1
As we’ve mentioned before, after verbalizing that “no question is off-limits,” you then need to demonstrate it in your attitude and body language. “Treat the topic of sex matter-of-factly,” says Dr. Nicholas Long of the Center for Effective Parenting. He continues,
When discussing sex with their children, parents should try to treat these discussions as they would any other important topic—calmly and matter-of-factly. Children are very perceptive, and they will be able to tell if their parents are uncomfortable with the topic of sex. If children sense that their parents are uncomfortable with the topic of sex, they will be less likely to come to their parents with problems and questions later on. Children might also be led to believe that sex is bad or wrong, or a taboo subject.2
Whenever I (Dottie) would be talking with one of the children about sexual matters I always wanted to be calm. If I was comfortable about it, I sensed they were comfortable. I tried to talk about it with the same tone in my voice that I would use if I were talking about what’s for dinner, how much a haircut costs, or where the dog’s collar was at. In other words, if my kids sensed that I was as relaxed with this subject as I was with any other, they were less hesitant to come to me with their questions or concerns about sex.
But what if you can’t answer the question? There is always an answer, even if it’s “I don’t know, but let’s find out.” The important thing is how you respond. When you can convey the message that no subject is off-limits you are on your way to effectively talking to your kids about sex.
Pastor Jack Wellman strongly admonishes that “there is never a question that your children should be afraid or embarrassed to ask you. Tell them that. That safe-zone builds trust and provides an environment where they can come to you about anything. And that is the best of situations; especially when they come to you about sex.”3
Heather, our youngest married daughter, recently told us, “Sex was dinner-table conversation—there wasn’t really anything that I felt uncomfortable asking. I knew that if I wanted to know something, I could ask you guys and you would tell me. I don’t remember anything being really ‘off the table’ and I don’t think anything is still off the table.”
We are thankful that message got through to our kids. Be open, honest, and willing to find answers to any question your child has no matter what it is, and you won’t regret it.