Should I converse about sex with my kids once a quarter, once a month, bimonthly, or weekly? Well, it’s not about how many talks you have, the important thing is that you say many of the same things over and over and over again. Repetition is part of the process.
Many children cannot take in more than two to three minutes of information at a time. Children Now, a children’s health and education organization, states,
Since most young children can only take in small bits of information at any one time, they won’t learn all they need to know about a particular topic from a single discussion. That’s why it’s important to let a little time pass, then ask the child to tell you what she remembers about your conversation. This will help you correct any misconceptions and fill in missing facts.1
Don’t be surprised when your four-year-old asks the same question she asked when she was three, or be surprised when the same is asked when she is five. You will feel like saying, “I’ve told you where babies come from before” or “I’ve explained to you a number of times what your belly button is.”
I (Dottie) recently talked with Dr. Joe McIlhaney, chairman of the Medical Institute for Sexual Health. He pointed out that parents often feel they talk to their kids about sex more than their kids feel they have actually been talked to about it. There is probably a good reason for that. Parents invest a lot of emotional energy in trying to be clear with enough, but not too much, information about the subject. And they tend to remember those moments. Yet for a child, he or she is simply listening. So those moments may not be that memorable. That is why we need to be patient and supportive and say it again and again and again.
The issue of sex has a lot of complexity. And it will take time for our children to understand it all. “Nashville mom Laura Hileman once heard her 3-year-old son explaining to his brother, ‘Boys have penises, and girls have china.’ And don’t be surprised if the question comes up again and again while your little one sorts it all out.”2
When we are patient and willing to explain it again (maybe with a few more details) it sends a strong message to a child.
Many studies show the following:
Repetition of sexual communication (as opposed to one-shot discussions) is likely to be important for several reasons. 1) Repetition may enhance an adolescent’s understanding, processing, and acceptance of parental sexual messages; 2) it is likely to increase feelings of comfort regarding sexual conversation; 3) it conveys sincere parental interest to the adolescent; and 4) fosters a more connected parent-adolescent relationship, which in turn, has important implications for promoting adolescent sexual health.3
Repetition is viewed differently by our children than by us as parents. They need the process of repetition to build their understanding and comprehension about sex one brick at a time. And that means we repeat the same concepts, perhaps a little differently or with fuller meaning, again and again and again.