To harp—“to dwell on a subject tiresomely.” No one likes to hear someone harping on any subject. And yes, if we as parents keep harping on the sex issue our kids will think we’re obsessed and they may shut us out. Yet we need to get the truths about sex, especially God’s design, purpose, and boundaries for sex, instilled within our children. So how do we do that?
Instead of harping, take advantage of real-life situations and translate them into teachable moments. A teachable moment is a situation or opportunity that opens the door to take advantage of an everyday circumstance to bring up the subject of sex. It might be a conversation with your child about a difficult subject, sensitive issue, sexuality itself, or anything else, but important enough to interact with your child right at that moment. These moments could be prompted by something he or she encountered on the computer, heard from a friend, saw on TV, a video, a poster, even something he or she read in a children’s book. Seize these opportunities.
Capturing teachable moments is a learned “art.” And the more media literate you are the better. This means you understand how to interpret and evaluate media content as it relates to values and behavior—the Internet, movies, TV, magazines, comics, newspapers, blogs, tweets, and other social media messages.
Today’s culture provides every parent with a lot of media opportunities to translate into teachable moments. A Kaiser Family Foundation report on TV broadcasts shows that “75 percent of network prime-time shows contain either sexual dialogue or sexual behavior.”1
The entertainment media, especially TV and the Internet, have become the primary sexual influences or educators in the world. It is so critical that we monitor the destructive content of the media. We can mitigate the impact by interacting with our children and turning it into something positive.
For example, during the 2012 Super Bowl halftime show, many were shocked and others were amused when M.I.A. flipped her middle finger at the camera. She showed a physical finger that has the sexual overtone of “F——you!” How many Christians showed disgust with that (and appropriately so) but then missed a golden opportunity to impart an important truth about sexuality that would be remembered for years by a child? That was a teachable moment to take a negative and turn it into a positive.
I (Josh) was riding in our van with Kelly and Sean, then nine and seven. And like normal kids at that age they got into a dispute. Out of frustration, Sean shouted at his sister. “F——you!” I could have been enraged and harshly disciplined my son. But in that situation, I didn’t show any surprise or emotion. I simply asked, “Son, do you know what that means?” He immediately replied, “No.” So I asked, “Where did you hear it?” He responded, “At school.”
I said to Sean, “Son, can I explain to you what it means?” With his eyes as big as quarters, he said, “Yes.”
The next ten minutes were a wonderful time of teaching and sharing with my children. I explained what the phrase meant. I told them how it demeaned one of the most beautiful gifts of sex that God has ever given to daddies and mommies. Then I tried to be as clear as possible on a seven-to-nine-year-old level why, in our family, we don’t use that word. That incident became an ideal teachable moment that had a positive impact on Sean’s life.
The opportunities are unlimited to have very significant teachable moments with our children. These small moments, in any number of situations, can turn a negative into a positive memorable experience, and can literally influence the attitudes, beliefs, understanding, and behavior of our children.
The following are areas that often provide teachable moments in our daily life.
1. TV and other entertainment media. In Sexuality, Contraception, and the Media, the American Academy of Pediatrics reported that
American children devote more than 38 hours per week to various forms of media, such as television, videos, video games, music, and the Internet. By the time the average teen graduates from high school he or she will have squandered 15,000 hours watching television—that’s twenty percent more time than the 12,000 hours he or she will have spent in the classroom. Furthermore, the average American adolescent will view nearly 14,000 sexual references per year.2
The news is full of material for teachable moments. The “Wait for Sex” parent curriculum developed by the Resource Center for Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention provides this insight: “You and your child are watching the news on TV. The reporter talks about the family of a seventh grade girl filing a lawsuit against the school district for sexual harassment. A boy at the school has repeatedly made derogatory remarks about her body, especially her breasts. This is a great segue to talk about how important it is to show respect to the opposite sex.”3
At times we would be watching a TV show or DVD with our kids and be blindsided when it depicted or hinted at two people having immoral sex. We would simply shut off the show and turn it into a teachable moment.
We would say, “Kids, what is wrong with what just happened?” Then they would talk and we would listen.
“Why is it wrong?”
We would listen without interrupting.
“What can be the consequences of nonmarital sex? Can you recall ever seeing negative consequences of sexual activity on TV or in a DVD?”
Usually, they couldn’t, because the entertainment media almost never shows the negative consequences of nonmarital sex. For example, hardly anyone ever gets a sexually transmitted disease on TV. Of course that is totally unrealistic in the real world.
Today, one out of every four teenagers is infected with an STD. Three million young people will get an STD this year alone. Fifty percent of all men 12 to 70 years old are infected with HPV. There is no cure; condoms are inadequate; and it is killing more women every year than HIV.* But we rarely see it on TV or in the movies. It is both unrealistic and misleading—immoral actions do have consequences. The misconceptions presented by the media about sexual consequences provide us an ideal teachable moment with our kids.
Another approach to teachable moments is to put the entire conversation in the light of God’s Word and his purpose for sex. When you are watching TV or movies together, you see many story lines showing people making poor sexual choices. Discuss with your child why God gave us certain guidelines and boundaries on sex. Use this as a time to reinforce how Scripture is relevant and adherence to it is in our best interest.
The American Psychological Association also gives some excellent advice:
Speak up. If you don’t like a TV show, CD, video, pair of jeans, or doll, say why. A conversation with her will be more effective than simply saying, “No, you can’t buy it or you can’t watch it.” Support campaigns, companies, and products that promote positive images of girls. Complain to manufacturers, advertisers, television and movie producers, and retail stores when products sexualize girls.4
A recent SIECUS report (Sexual Information & Education Council of the U.S.) had some good advice:
• Share your opinions and values in a positive way. Discuss your thoughts. Your children need to understand your values as they begin to form their own.
• Watch for teachable moments. Use the opportunity in a joke, song, billboard, or TV commercial to discuss a subject.
• Use commercial time to talk. Take this time to communicate your own brief message. Your children may pay more attention during a break in the show.
• Remember that “bad” shows can provoke discussion too. They will often give you the opportunity to discuss the behavior of a certain character.
• Be sensitive. Your children might find it embarrassing for you to discuss sexuality issues in front of their friends or other adults.5
Use the media to your advantage. Interact with your kids. Share your values.
2. A pregnant woman. Children are often intrigued by seeing a pregnant woman be it a stranger, a relative, or a family friend. This is a time you can answer their questions and easily transition into a conversation about sex.
3. Real stories about real people. Author Wendy Sellers points out how to take advantage of real stories. “Children respond to stories of real people. For example say, ‘I feel sad about some news I just heard. My cousin’s son has to drop out of school to get a job. He and his girlfriend had sex, and now she’s pregnant. He will have to work and pay child support instead of finishing his education. What do you think about that?’”6 These real stories provide excellent teachable moments.
Diana Converse, a family life educator at Hillsborough County University of Florida extension, provides the next six situations for teachable moments.
4. Nude pictures. “Your child and his playmate are giggling in the bedroom. You open the door to see what’s so funny and find them both looking at a naked woman in the encyclopedia.”7 This is a powerful teachable moment.
5. Wanted posters. “As you are waiting in line at the post office with your 11-year-old son, you notice an FBI ‘Wanted’ poster on the wall. One of the men posted is wanted for the rape of three women.”8 What an opportunity to talk to your child!
6. Homosexual affection. “You and your child notice two men holding hands at the shopping mall.”9 Another teachable moment—to compassionately explain homosexuality.
7. Discovering a condom. “While doing the laundry, you find a condom in your son’s pocket.”10 This can become a teachable moment—a rather shocking one, but a teachable moment all the same.
8. Sex misinformation. “While driving home from school one day, your 13-year-old daughter says, ‘Mom, I heard you can’t get pregnant the first time you have sex.’”11
9. Interfamily differences on sex. “Your mother-in-law is changing the diaper of your six-month-old son. You and your older son are watching her change the diaper. Your mother-in-law gently hits the baby’s hand and tells the baby, ‘Don’t touch yourself down there.’”12 You would probably want to hold off with an immediate response. But later you can use this situation as a positive teachable moment.
10. Look at family albums of weddings. What a wonderful teachable moment!
11. Animal behavior. One of the McDowell daughters shares this story: “I know my mom says that the first time we talked explicitly about sex was when we were driving down the road and I saw two cows with one climbing on top of the other. She said I asked what was going on. Mom explained it and I said, ‘Oh, wouldn’t that be gross if people did that?’ And, of course, that became the first conversation we had about intercourse. The strange thing is, I have no memory of that conversation.” While our daughter doesn’t remember the situation, it was one of those teachable moments that, little by little, gave her enough information to understand God’s wonderful gift of sex.
12. School assemblies, sporting events, practice, school plays, and so on. We were at a restaurant having dinner with all four of our children—Kelly, Sean, Katie, and Heather—when Sean said, “Dad, there was a speaker at school today who spoke on sex. We don’t think that you would agree with him.” I immediately replied, “Why?”
For the next three hours or so, we sat at that Stuart Anderson Steakhouse in Lakeside, California, and had an open family discussion. The waiter (a college student) kept hanging around us. Finally, he interrupted and said, “Kids, do you know how fortunate you are to have a mom and dad who will discuss these things with you? My parents never did that with my sister and me and as a result, we’ve made some very bad choices.” Use these times as teachable moments.
13. Music. Researchers from the State University of New York at Albany released an analysis of song lyrics from the 174 songs that made it into the Top 10 country, pop, and R&B Billboard charts in 2009. They found that “92 percent contained one or more ‘reproductive messages,’ with an average of 10.49 such phrases per song.”13
Years ago, I (Josh) walked into Sean’s room while he was attempting to erase a song on his new Depeche Mode CD. He was 12 at the time.
“Sean, what in the world are you doing?” I inquired.
“I’m trying to erase a song.”
“Why?”
“It doesn’t meet our family standard, so I want to erase it.”
This provided me a different type of teachable moment. Immediately, I expressed my admiration for him and how proud I was for the choice he had made.
Deb Roffman, writing for the PTA, reinforces this. She said, “When you see something that doesn’t uphold those values (commercial, television show, music video) point it out to your child. Be your child’s cultural interpreter.”14
14. Bath time. When one of my daughters was about two years old, I had recently come home from a tour and Dottie asked me, “Would you please give her a bath?” I told her I would and went into our master bathroom and started filling the bathtub with water. I told my daughter, “Honey, now get undressed, but don’t get in,” because I was always afraid of my kids slipping and hitting their head. So I told her, “Wait till Daddy gets back. I’ve got a surprise for you!”
While I was traveling, I had gotten her a little rubber ducky, so I went to get it for her. Just as I was about to go back into the bathroom, she let out a piercing scream. I dashed back into the bathroom with my heart beating wildly, and exclaimed, “Honey, what’s wrong?” My little girl was sitting on the edge of the bathtub looking at herself. She looked up at me and said, “Daddy, Daddy, my penis is inside out!”
You see, my daughter had seen her brother. What else would you think as a two-year-old? She had either lost her penis or it was inside out. That was a genuine concern for her.
This was a great teaching moment. “Oh, no, honey,” I said. “That’s how God made you. He makes little boys like your brother with a penis, and little girls like you with a vagina. Isn’t that wonderful what God has done? Now, let’s take our bath.”
It was a 20-second conversation. It was great sex education. It was a teachable moment. As you take advantage of all the above situations and more that can lead to great conversations, remember that if you involve your children in teachable moments when they are young, they will interact with you on teachable moments when they are older.
* For more details, see The Bare Facts book and DVD resources, described in the back pages of this book.