Monitoring your child’s world is an absolute necessity in today’s world if you expect to protect your kids. Your concern shouldn’t be so much whether you’re monitoring your kids too much, but if you’re monitoring them too little.
What are the areas you need to monitor? Obviously, that would include your kids’ friends and their families, their school, their athletic groups, the TV, the movies and the videos they watch, the magazines they read, the music they listen to and, of course, the Internet. This is a big order—but it must be done.
In today’s world as a parent, we will have to be courageous and undaunted in monitoring our child’s world. We are facing challenges (because of the Internet) that we never even dreamed about facing before. In fact, our daughter Katie (a mother of preschoolers) told me (Dottie) recently that she has “given up hope that she can protect her boys from the culture around them.” Her strategy, then, was “not to protect them from it, but to prepare them for it, by understanding it, knowing how to deal with it, and helping her children to walk through it.” This approach requires intentional, and sometimes hard, choices.
We can seek creative ways to dive into our kids’ worlds. My (Dottie’s) sister, the mother of a high-school daughter, is a great example of someone who found a creative solution. She is a certified teacher who wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but also wanted to be able to be right in the middle of her daughter’s world. To accomplish this goal, she subs at her daughter’s school. This way she can get to know the kids her daughter hangs out with, meet the other teachers, and get a feel for the atmosphere in her daughter’s school. Of course, not all of us can arrange such an ideal situation. However, we all can be creative and determined.
Josh and I were diligent about this and expected to have a clear dialogue with our kids about their comings and goings. We required that they tell us exactly where they were going, what time they would arrive and depart, what they were doing, and who they were with. This took time, energy, and determination. But it was important for their safety and for our peace of mind.
We established ground rules and curfews, and expected certain behavior. We included our kids in the process of making the rules so that they could understand our perspectives and concerns. We did all this within the context of a loving relationship, knowing that otherwise they may have resisted. Remember, “Rules without a relationship often lead to rebellion.”
As our kids got older and reflected more and more signs of maturity and responsibility, we would ease up on the reins. This was a “process of preparation,” knowing that eventually they would be headed to work or college on their own and would be making these choices alone. We did have to occasionally remind them that supervising and monitoring their whereabouts didn’t make us nags—it made us parents!
When your child is playing at a neighbor’s house, it’s important to know who else will be there and that someone you trust (an adult) will be in charge. Sadly, abuse often comes from other children, so you need to know who will be in the home. Before your children go somewhere new, be assured that there is no pornography in that home. A young couple that lives near us always asks if there is an older brother in the family where their children have been invited. If there is, they have a family policy that the kids must play at their house, not at the neighbor’s. They also have a policy that no teenage boy will ever babysit their kids. This may seem strict, but it is simply for the safety of their children.
Know what is being taught in your children’s schools. Schools have very different policies, depending on what state you are in and whether the school is public or private. Get involved. Volunteer in the classroom. Go to PTA meetings and meet with the teachers. Keep your eyes on public policy and know what laws are being voted on that can affect your school district.
Monitor your kids’ TV, movies, and DVD viewing. Each family needs to make policies that are in the best interest of their children. Two of our grown kids have chosen not to even have a TV in their homes. Another one of our kids carefully screens all TV programs. Be in touch with what movies and DVDs are out there, and have a plan that reflects your family’s standards. Use discussions about these things as “opportunities.” Kids need to understand that the media are overflowing with material that sends out the wrong messages. As much as possible read what your kids read and listen to what they listen to. You can then interact with them about the messages that flow out of the books and the songs they care about. This kind of monitoring gives you more opportunities to connect, more opportunities to understand and more opportunities to bond with your kids.
Today it is inevitable that our children will get on the Internet.1 There is no way around it—the school systems even assign homework that can only be done on the web.
There are many different protection software platforms we can use. Some of these programs cost money and some do not. Some of the software programs work on smart devices and some do not. Software to consider:
X3 Watch—pay/free |
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Total Net Guard—pay |
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Bsecure—pay |
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Net Nanny—pay |
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Covenant Eyes—pay |
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K9 Web Protection—free |
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Safe Eyes—free |
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Cyber Sitter—pay |
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Pure Sight—pay |
We need to be aware that filter software is not a perfect solution. The software will block most sites, but not all of them and not e-mail.
To protect my children I am taking the following steps:
1. All computers and smartphones are to be turned off no later than 9 p.m. There is a saying that “nothing good happens after 10 p.m.”
2. I do not allow my children to keep computers, televisions, or smart devices in their rooms overnight.
3. I know their friends and their friends’ parents. I’m not saying my children cannot have friends who are not believers, but I want those children to be at my home. I want to know that when my child goes to someone else’s home, they have similar standards as I do.
4. I want my children to understand that being on the Internet is a privilege, not a right they automatically receive from birth. Call me old-fashioned or old-school, but I want my kids reading books and playing outside using their imagination.
5. I set a certain allotment of time my children can spend on the Internet. I saw one particular software company that allows parents to use time on the Internet as a reward system. They could accumulate minutes on the Internet by doing chores and helping out around the house. I like the idea of awarding 10 minutes for making the bed, 10 minutes for doing the dishes, 20 minutes for vacuuming the house, and so on.
6. I don’t put any computers in my home in a nonpublic or secluded area.
7. I don’t go to bed while my child is on a computer or smart device.
8. Finally, any rule that I make for my children, I follow myself. I want to be an example for my children to follow in all aspects of my life, including my respect and caution when it comes to the Internet and social media.
This mom may sound overprotective to some people. But if we are to err on one side or the other, we would suggest erring on the side of overprotection.
In January of 2012 the lives of Melissa, Tom, and their children changed forever.* The police showed up at their house to interview their oldest son, 13-year-old Kyle. Under questioning, Kyle admitted to being addicted to pornography and to have crossed sexual boundaries with two of his siblings and a little boy who visited their house often. Melissa and Tom were utterly shocked. Their son was taken from their house that day and put into juvenile detention. He was charged with three counts of sexual abuse, one of them a felony.
Melissa and Tom have raised their children in the admonition of the Lord. They have helped them know right from wrong, prayed for them, taught them, and protected them to the best of their ability. They would have never thought that any of their children would view pornography, let alone act on it. But they were naïve about its power and accessibility.
Kyle had been exposed to pornography and became addicted very fast. He had been sneaking into his parents’ room and using their laptop, which didn’t have any filter on it. He had also been viewing porn with his friends on their smartphones. He had friends come over often with their handhelds, and they had asked Melissa for the family’s wi-fi password to “listen to Christian music.” She’d ignorantly given it to them, not realizing that the phones kept the password and would automatically allow them access every time they came over. Kyle couldn’t handle what he saw. He couldn’t get the images out of his mind, and he acted on those images through sexual abuse.
At the age of 13 Kyle’s life has been changed forever. After a period of house arrest at a relative’s, he is now on probation and is going through an intense two-year therapy program. Only recently was he allowed contact with one of his siblings. And he will not return to his home until after the program. His “juvenile sex offender” status will show up on all background checks for the rest of his life.
After Kyle was caught he wanted to share his story. He started insisting that Melissa and Tom warn his friends and their parents to stay far away from the path of pornography and addiction. His background of being raised knowing the love of Christ did not keep him from the pornography…but it has helped him deal with what has happened in his life since. He has been on his knees asking for redemption and praying that his story will make a difference.
* Names and details have been changed to conceal the identity of those involved.