Do you remember your “first love”—“puppy love,” they used to call it? Do you remember the first time you held hands or that first kiss? And do you remember how life seemed to almost come to an end when the one you “loved” no longer “loved” you? Looking back now it may seem silly, but at the time it was serious stuff.
Somehow many parents seem to forget how important those feelings were to them when they were young. Of course it wasn’t true love, but we didn’t know that back then, did we? And if someone had tried to tell us it wasn’t true love, we would have felt belittled and disrespected. That is still true today with our kids.
As children grow they want us to regard them as mature (regardless of their age) and able to make their own decisions. It is simply not advantageous to tell our kids that the passion or heartache they feel now is only “puppy love.” Sure, they will no doubt outgrow it and even look back on it with laughter later, but they don’t want to hear that now. Our attitudes toward their “first love” will either convince them that we care and understand or that we don’t have a clue about their world.
When we find our kids in this “lovesick” state of mind, instead of teasing them or minimizing their feelings, this is an ideal opportunity to engage in positive conversation. This is the time to take our child’s first love experience seriously and not communicate that it’s insignificant or premature. In reality, according to one study, it may even be the “most significant and intense love a person ever feels!”1
Take the time to explain that you too experienced these emotions, and that they are a significant indication that your child is growing up. Use this as a chance to talk about what real love is (see chapter 3). Communicate enthusiastic attitudes like “Tell me about it!” or “Isn’t it exciting that you’re beginning to feel these kinds of emotions now?” By supporting your kids through this stage, you are making a clear statement that you care about what is significant to them and that you are there for them. By indicating their feelings now, they will more likely seek your support again and again later.
Brain scientists at University College London scanned the brains of young lovers while they were thinking about their boyfriends and girlfriends and discovered that “four separate areas of the brain became very active. This affirms the notion that falling in love is an all-encompassing emotion that engages nearly every part of the mind and body.”2
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy gathered responses from teens and published it in a selection called “Talking Back.” One teenager pleaded: “Talk to us honestly about sex, love, and relationships. Just because we’re young doesn’t mean that we can’t fall in love…These feelings are very real and powerful to us. Help us to handle the feelings in a safe way—without getting hurt or hurting others.”3
By validating the real feelings your child has, he or she will feel supported, understood, and loved.