Often when a young person does get involved sexually he or she feels guilt and shame or feelings of worthlessness. You have an opportunity and the great privilege to lead him or her to experience forgiveness—especially from God.
While sexual offenses generally occur between two people, the primary offense is against God. King David cried out in anguish to God, “Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight” (Psalm 51:4). Why would David say this, and what was his sin?
God is gracious to give us examples of godly people messing up in huge ways throughout the Bible. David was the “man after God’s own heart,” yet he committed adultery with a woman named Bathsheba, got her pregnant, then had her husband killed on the front lines of battle. While David sinned against Bathsheba and her husband, he ultimately sinned against God. Why?
God created us for himself, to live in perfect friendship with him, to obey his good commandments, and to enjoy him through trusting and obeying him. And so when we do sin he convicts our hearts. It is gracious for God to let us feel guilt and shame when we sin because it leads us to seeking forgiveness, which God gladly gives. Scripture says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9 NASB).
It is true that all of us deserve punishment for our sins, but Scripture states that “[God] does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:10-12). Why did David say “as far from us as the east is from the west” rather than “as far as the north is from the south”? From east to west is a Hebrew expression for infinity. While you can measure the north from the south (there is a North Pole and a South Pole), you cannot measure the distance from the east to the west. If you go east or if you travel west, you will go on for eternity. This is the beautiful picture we need to give our young person of God’s forgiveness. Let him or her know that God is always ready and willing to forgive.
Once an atmosphere of grace is established you can walk your young person through the following seven steps in order to experience the forgiveness that is available to him or her.
1. Call it sin. The first step toward forgiveness is to call their behavior what it is—sin. Help your young person realize that it was sin—something done outside of God’s will. Recognizing something is sin is a prerequisite for confession.
2. Confess sin. The Bible says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9 ESV). What does it mean to confess our sins? It means agreeing with God on two things: First, we are saying to God, “Yes, it is sin.” Second, we are acknowledging that God is just to forgive us our sins.
3. Acknowledge God’s forgiveness. Have you ever heard others acknowledge their sin, faithfully confess it, but then walk away dejected, doubting that God could really forgive them for what they had done? Acknowledging and accepting God’s forgiveness is a crucial step for our children to take. How can they forgive themselves if they don’t believe God forgives them?
For many sexually active young people, this is the tough step. Despite God’s promise in 1 John 1:9 to forgive us of all our sin, often young people who have had sex outside of marriage find it hard to believe the promise. They often feel cheap, used, and unworthy of God’s love.
Help your young person realize that none of us deserve to be forgiven based on any of our actions or feelings. The basis for our forgiveness is not the level of our sin or our feelings about it. The basis for forgiveness is Christ’s sacrifice. God knew we would sin. So he provided his Son, Jesus Christ, to take on human flesh and to go to the cross. On that cross, he declared, “It is finished”—and after his resurrection everything that was necessary for us to be forgiven had been done. When our children accept Christ’s forgiveness for their sexual sin, they agree that God’s grace—evident in Christ’s death and resurrection—is sufficient payment for their sin.
4. Forgive yourself. Often people will confess sin and acknowledge that God has forgiven them, but they do not forgive themselves. Our children may do the same thing. After sexual sin, they can start walking through life with a guilt that is not from God. It is self-produced.
Within the loving environment of forgiveness that we’ve established, we must remind our children of Christ’s forgiveness of them. Help them recognize the guilt they may be experiencing is a false guilt or self-condemnation. And we overcome self-condemnation with a heart of gratitude. Lead your child in praises and thanks to God for his loving forgiveness. A grateful heart can receive God’s grace to the point of removing our sense of self-condemnation.
5. Bring forth fruit of repentance. You seldom hear someone talk about this fifth step. Yet it is one of the most critical in experiencing God’s forgiveness and renewed relationships, especially in the sexual arena. The Bible says, “Prove by the way you live that you have repented” (Matthew 3:8). We must encourage our children not only to take the step of fully embracing forgiveness for their sexual sin, but to make daily choices to keep from returning to it. Repentance is an act of the will, not only to turn from sin, but to take active steps toward positive relationships with God and others.
6. Find someone to hold you accountable. Every one of us ought to have another person who loves us in Christ, who we trust, who can see if there is sexual immorality or impurity in our lives and can hold us accountable. We need one another—if a girl, then a girl—if a boy, then another young man—individuals who have relationships with Christ who can hold one another accountable.
Encourage your young person to have someone who can hold him or her accountable. If that isn’t you, then encourage your child to select a person who is strong in his or her faith to be that accountability partner.
7. Go to the other person and ask for forgiveness. Whenever we become involved physically with someone outside of the boundary of marriage, we sin against that person too. Encourage your young person to go to that other person, and ask him or her for forgiveness for what happened. This can bring healing to that relationship that puts it on a higher, purer level, where it needs to be.
God convicts us and our children of our sin because he loves us. As parents, when our children sin, we have an opportunity to minister to them by walking them through the steps of forgiveness.