Following are insights from two teenage boys:
I used premarital sex to deal with my lack of self-esteem. Each time it proved to me that I was a man and equipped me with good stories for the locker room.
I looked to female attention for proof of my worth as a male. The attention I received from a young lady became the gauge for my own worth.
Although both of these statements are from young men, young women with low self-esteem tell similar stories. They become involved sexually to “prove” their worth, to “prove” they can please another person, to “prove” they are attractive to the opposite sex, and to bolster their self-esteem by having experiences to describe to their peers.
Other young people, however, become sexually active as a way of reinforcing their low view of themselves. We tend to act in harmony with how we see ourselves. Our self-image is like a set of lenses through which we view all of life. Based on what we see through those lenses, we make choices about what to think and how to act.
If an adolescent girl, for example, has low self-esteem and is feeling pressured to become sexually involved, it is easy for her to think, when she looks through her distorted lenses, I’m not worth much anyway, so what difference does it make? This is what bad people do. Soon such a young person is acting out her low opinion of herself.
We are living in a culture that teaches a child that she is only as good as she looks when compared to a beautiful woman on a magazine cover. Heightened self-consciousness regarding body image is not only foisted upon our girls, but our young boys as well. Focus on the Family youth specialist Rob Jackson reminds us that, as parents,
We have the power to affirm the immutable worth of our children because of what God the Father sacrificed on their behalf: the life of Jesus Christ. The child’s performance and the approval of others will no longer be a measuring stick for the worth of their lives. The performance of Christ on behalf of our child, and the Father’s approval of that child who embraces Christ, confirms the worth that must be learned not only intellectually, but also emotionally.1
Our children are special, not because of anything spectacular they have done or are doing, but because of whom God created them to be and what he has done on their behalf. When parents model this value based on God, it has a tremendous positive impact on a child’s self-esteem.
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy reports that “parents and family members have no choice about their influence in helping develop the self-esteem of their children and family members—their only choice is whether they do it well or poorly.”2 Studies show that when children feel valued by their families, “it reduces the risk for serious major depression at age 18.”3 Also, feeling valued at age 9 “positively predicts self-esteem and reduces the risk for depression (especially for males), drug abuse—dependence, thoughts of suicide, interpersonal problems, withdrawn and anxious-depressed behavior, and delinquent and aggressive behavior.”4
Praise your children for the highly valued individuals they are. Let them know that God values them as well. Speak the following truths from God to them often. Say, “You are special and of great value because God says that
• you are loved (John 3:16),
• you are his child (John 1:12),
• you are chosen (Ephesians 1:4),
• you are forgiven (Ephesians 1:7),
• you are his masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10),
• you are his friend (John 15:15), and
• you are protected by him (1 John 5:18).”
In a culture where truth is seen as unknowable, where reason has overshadowed faith, and where naturalistic science has become the sole basis of reality, children more than ever need confidence in the one unchangeable reality that God is their Creator and the one who loves and accepts them without condition. Our children are tempted to put their worth in what their peers think of them, in their grades, their experience, and their talents and abilities. But you have the greatest influence in your children’s lives. Let them know often that you think the world of them, and constantly remind them how God loves and cares for them.
The relationship you have with your kids is one of the most important keys to helping them say no to sexual involvement. If the relationship is good, if you really connect with them lovingly, your kids are far more likely to have a healthy self-image and realize the boundaries you set for them are to provide for and protect them. When you instruct your kids within the context of a loving relationship you are helping them develop a healthy self-image and giving them added strength to stand strong in the midst of a destructive culture.