Khaki

PUSH THE PLAY BUTTON

When you’ve been doing my job as long as I have, you become a master at avoiding the things that you don’t want to accept. When a client says she’d like to do her room in a red floral pattern, for example, I avoid hearing her until I’ve found another fabric she falls in love with. When a man tells me he won’t part with the green plaid sofa he’s had since college that reeks of dog and has duct tape on the corners, I avoid it until I’ve found something that’s such a great deal he can’t pass it up.

So maybe that’s why it was so easy for me that last night we were in New York to avoid the truth that I was going to have to take you home the next day. Graham and I piled up pillows in our king bed to watch a family movie. Alex curled up beside me and promptly fell asleep, and, as soon as Graham gave you your bottle, you were out too.

Graham reached over and took my hand, looking at the sleeping figures beside us. He smiled and winked at me, and, though I knew he would scold me, I said, “You have to admit that this feels right.”

He shocked the living daylights out of me, saying, “You know, babydoll, I have to agree that it does.” He sighed and said, “I’m sorry we haven’t been able to have the baby you want.”

I shook my head. “That’s not what I mean, really. It’s not only that I think we need another member of our family. It’s that, more and more, I think Carolina is who makes it feel complete.”

He held you closer to him, staring into your dreamy face. “Khaki, one of the things I love about you is that you’ve got more spunk than a whole nest of baby chicks. And I know I can’t stop you from doing what you want any more than I can stop the winds from coming in hard and ruining the corn.” He leaned over and kissed me softly. “If you want to talk to Jodi, then that’s your prerogative. But don’t be all disappointed if she says no. And know that you’re probably going to offend the pants off her.”

I felt like he was asking me to marry him all over again, that excited, out-of-breath, tingling-toed joy that people don’t get to experience enough. “You’re kidding.”

He shrugged. “If you want to talk to her about it, you can. But you have to know that you’re running the risk of pushing her away.”

I thought of Jodi, sweet, docile little thing, living in that trailer, scraping by God only knew how. She always seemed so easygoing and relaxed, but to push the play button on that bottle like she did, she certainly had some wounds to heal. I looked over at your peaceful face, perfect lips pursed with dreaming, downy hair illuminated by the sliver of light pouring in from the street. I couldn’t imagine how anyone, even if she wasn’t in her right mind, could give up something so undeniably perfect.

“You do think it’s the right thing to do, right?” I asked. “I mean, that night after Ricky tried to attack her when she just kept saying, ‘I can’t do this, Khaki. I can’t do this . . . ’” I trailed off, tears of guilt filling my eyes. Because I had played a large part in your birth mother keeping you. I had been the one to convince her that she could do it. But I hadn’t known her alcoholism would take hold of her so strongly again. And I hadn’t realized that she would feel so all alone in the world or lose her job or be under such a monumental amount of stress.

“Or maybe we could just take them both in and try to help her that way.”

Graham shook his head. “I don’t think that’d work. It’s inconsistent for Carolina and it doesn’t help Jodi take control of her own life.” He smiled. “I hate to take a page from your daddy, but it seems like a temporary solution to a permanent problem.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

Graham said, “You know, she’s had such a hard life and she’s been through so much that I think I forget sometimes that the girl is only nineteen. I mean, at nineteen she’s responsible for a child, a house, a job, keeping them fed and the bills paid . . . She’s trying to stay sober on top of all of it.” He shrugged. “It’s so hard to even think about giving up your child, but, on some level, I have to wonder if this wasn’t God’s plan for our family all along.”

I nodded and smiled through my tears. “I have no idea what she’s thinking, if she’s feeling strong and better and ready to do this. But if she’s that same girl she was a few nights ago, then I think us asking to adopt Carolina might come as somewhat of a relief.”

I looked over at the television lights flickering on your and Alex’s cherubic faces. “We just have to remember that it makes sense to us,” Graham said, “but that doesn’t mean that it’s going to make sense to Jodi.”

I raised my lip and whispered, “Do you think we can change her name?”

Graham laughed. “No, we can’t change her name! I love it.”

“You don’t think it’s weird? I mean, Carolina from North Carolina?”

Graham raised his eyebrow.

I sighed. “Well, maybe we could pronounce it Caroleena, you know, like Carolina Herrera.”

Graham rolled his eyes and laughed again. “No way, babe.” He leaned over and kissed me. “I think it’s great,” he whispered, his forehead resting on mine. “Now I have two sweet Carolina girls.”

I laughed too. “Well, we Carolina girls are the best in the world.” I took Graham’s hand, and rubbed the gold band that I hadn’t seen him without since the day we said those vows. “You do want more children, right?”

Then he said something that, not too soon later, he might have lived to regret. “Oh, Khaki. As long as you’re their momma, I’d have a whole litter.”