Jodi

A TICKING TIME BOMB

Every damn body thinks they can grow a garden. I always hear people sayin’, “Oh, yeah. I think I’m going to grow my own vegetables in my yard this year.” They don’t have a dag dern clue. They don’t get how much time it takes, how you gotta commit your whole self. Them crops, they’d just as soon break your heart as grow for you to eat ’em. It’s the same thing with babies. You get to spending some time around a baby, and you start thinking you know what being a momma’s like. You don’t. I mean, I only been a momma for two weeks, but there ain’t no comparison between taking care a’ somebody else’s baby and having your own. And it ain’t just being so sore and tired your body gets to feeling like it’s superglued to the couch. You’re all weepy and you don’t never know what’s gonna make them waterworks start flowing like a hydrant being tested.

Khaki, she was having to go through all that mess, but she were so happy because her best friend Stacey from New York got there an hour after Grace was born. So Stacey, Charlie, Mrs. Mason, and me was all helpin’ her out.

I damn near got to crying, that girl was hurtin’ so bad. The social worker mighta turned up her nose, but I couldn’t help myself. I said, “I’m staying a night here and there to help you out. I can at least bring Grace to you when she gets hungry.” I waited, but she didn’t say nothin’. “I mean, I’ll come after Carolina’s sleepin’.”

“But, Jodi, you have to work. I don’t want you to get worn out helping me.”

I shook my head. “I can nap for a couple a’ hours most days.”

I mean, yeah, I wanted to help Khaki real bad. But I was also real scared. Every time that trailer got to groaning or creaking I was convinced it was Ricky coming for me. In the light a’ day, I weren’t that nervous. I mean, I knew Ricky would take Khaki’s daddy real serious. But it was like every time I walked through that door I could just remember me being pinned up against that counter, them crazy eyes a’ his flashing. And my palms would get to sweatin’, my heart racing and my throat getting all dry.

Khaki nodded. She tried right hard to smile but it didn’t take. “I hate to say yes. But I really want to. You know?”

I knew damn well better than she could ever imagine. I knew when I let them keep you. I knew when I took a job and health insurance. I knew that sometimes a girl don’t have many good choices but to say yes. It don’t matter what my daddy said.

Khaki patted the comforter beside her, like she was inviting me in. I snuggled in all close, fighting real hard not to close my eyes. “Jodi,” she said, “why on earth would you think that you shouldn’t have any more children?”

Buddy and Khaki, they was about the two worst secret keepers in the world. I shrugged. “I cain’t imagine having another youngen. Then I’d know how good they was and know that I’d give one up.”

“Honey,” Khaki said. She tried to lean forward, winced, and then lay back down. “You can’t punish yourself forever.”

But I think she got where I was coming from. Having a baby and thinkin’ on what you give up—that were punishment.

She sighed. “So how’s the stuff Patrick wanted you to prepare coming? Is there anything I can help with?”

“It sure is nice a’ him to spend so much time helping me get the book ready and all before they even decide if they’re gonna buy it.”

Khaki smiled. “Patrick’s a good one. He just thought a manuscript would be stronger than a proposal in this case, and, looking at it all coming together, I have to say it’s amazing.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “And even if they cain’t publish it, I’m real happy that all them family recipes is in one place so I can pass ’em down. I almost got it all done for you to take a look at ’fore I send it back.”

I could hear you fussing just a little, ready to get outta the crib.

I turned to walk down the hall to get you. But then I turned back around right quick. “Thanks for makin’ it so I could do this. You never know. It might be my ticket outta here.”

Khaki gasped. “Out of here! You want to leave Kinston?”

“I’ll still see Carolina every week. Won’t nothing come ’fore that.”

The doorbell rung before we could finish talkin’. I grabbed you and ran downstairs.

“I thought I might find you here,” Buddy said, when I opened the door.

I smiled, my legs feelin’ right like Jell-O.

“I was just thinking,” Buddy said, “you been here workin’ so much I thought you might want a little rest. I can make it through the market alone this week if you wanna catch up on your sleep.”

I guessed Buddy didn’t know that goin’ to the market with him’s the best part a’ my week. I shook my head. “Nah. I like bein’ there right good. Kinda feels like home, you know?”

He smiled. “All right. I didn’t want you to quit coming or nothin’. I’s just trying to be gentlemanly.”

I could feel that blush rising up my cheeks. He was getting ready to walk away, and I realized I didn’t want him to. “So, Buddy,” I said, real quick before he could get turned around good, “speaking a’ the market, I got something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes. I’ll plant fall crops and help you keep going to the market all year round.”

“Are you sure, I mean—”

He put his hand up to his cowboy hat and shook his head. “Jodi, I know you’re still right young so maybe you don’t get this without me being real clear: I’d do pretty much anything in this world for you.”

I couldn’t believe he said that. My heart was poundin’ so hard I couldn’t even say nothing.

So Buddy just kept on. “You and me both know them parsnips’ll make it all year and the garlic too. We can plant us some peas and onions, rutabaga, arugula, cauliflower. I thought we’d do some herbs too. Cilantro and dill do real good in the cold.”

I cleared my throat, trying to regain my consciousness from Buddy saying he’d do near anything for me. My voice came out kinda shaky when I said, “That sounds great. Peas is one of my favorite things to can. They were my grandma’s favorite. And dill is so good on them pickles I want to make.”

“Great,” Buddy said. “It’s a plan. I love working, so I’m right excited about the whole thing.”

Right then, that sister a’ Khaki’s, she didn’t even say hello, just ran on past me and Buddy like we weren’t even there.

Buddy raised his eyebrows and said, “Well, I guess I oughta let you get back to it.”

“Hey, thanks,” I said. “It’s real good for me to be working.”

Buddy winked at me. “It’s right good for us all.”

I closed the door and followed Khaki’s sister, practically floatin’ on a cloud from gettin’ to see Buddy when I weren’t even expecting it. I turned my face right up toward yours, thinkin’ how it really did feel like you was my niece now. When they said something ’bout you being their girl, I didn’t even think, Yeah, because you carried and gave birth to her. There hadn’t been one time lately I’d tried to stuff you in my shirt and get you on back to the trailer with me.

Virginia, she barely peered in at Grace and said, “Oh, she’s beautiful.”

She lay right up there beside Khaki and them tears started flowing and a-flowing.

Seeing as how she just give birth, that Khaki got to cryin’ real hard too. She said, “Please stop crying. It hurts my incision.”

I handed Khaki a tissue, and Virginia grabbed it outta my hand real quick. I rolled my eyes big enough that she could see. I weren’t nobody’s sister, but I knew it weren’t okay to dump your problems on a new momma no matter who she is.

But Khaki, she got to comforting Virginia. “It’s okay, sis. You’re going to be fine. You’re going to find someone new and better, and you’re not even going to miss Allen.”

“But I’ve been with him since high school,” she sobbed. “I haven’t been on a date in twenty years.”

Khaki nodded real supportive and sobbed back, “When Alex died, and I had to start dating again, it was so awful. I wished he would be alive and I didn’t have to find another man to love me.”

I weren’t sure it’s exactly the same when your husband dies as when he leaves you for his daughter’s preschool teacher. I rolled my eyes again. I ain’t never been too tough. I mean, I let men walk all over me and my momma tell me I ruined her life and was too afraid to go for some things I really wanted. But I was gettin’ just good-feeling enough from my new job and whatnot that I started to stand up for myself—and the people I loved—a little bit more. Plus, I’d been up dern near all night trying to perfect my recipe for dilled green bean pickles, figuring if the flavor was better when they was hot packed or cold packed. My fingers were sorer than all get-out from that bean snapping, and I’d had just about enough.

“Virginia,” I said real firm like. “I gotta get Alex, and Khaki, she needs to get to napping.”

It were like she weren’t even crying all a’ sudden. “It’s okay. I’ll stay here with Khaki and get her anything if she needs it.”

I made my lips real tight and thin. “Visiting hours is over.”

Virginia looked at Khaki real sad like she’s some puppy needs saving, but Khaki shrugged. “Whatever the nurse says.”

“I don’t know who you think you are,” Virginia hissed like a wet cat as I walked her to the door.

For the first time in my entire life I didn’t think I was anyone. I damn well knew.