Jodi

HAVING IT ALL

When you got crops growin’ you cain’t very well leave ’em. So I ain’t the kinda person that goes on vacation. I can count all the vacations I ever took on one hand. Grandma and Pop, they rented a house at the beach and took all the cousins one summer when I was nine. We was all of us crammed under one roof, slurpin’ down orange sodas and getting sunburned. It was so much fun they promised to take us every year. But wouldn’t you know Pop died that very next year, and, without him, Grandma didn’t have no money for extras like vacation.

But Daddy, he took me to the beach when I was thirteen ’cause he was doin’ some car work for the folks that owned the Oceanana. That playground equipment had been all I could think about. But I were too big to try them swings, too ashamed to let myself feel that freedom. Me and Daddy, we was like royalty staying in a hotel room that had its own sittin’ room and kitchenette.

Daddy, he cooked fish that his friend caught. I didn’t like it none, but I ate dern near every bite so he’d know how grateful I was. We got to walkin’ on the beach, feeling free ’cause we was away from Momma, an orange-sherbet sunset sinking into cotton-candy clouds.

My friend Marlene’s parents musta felt real sorry for me when Daddy was dying ’cause they rented a place in the mountains and took me along when I was sixteen. When me and Buddy went to the beach and I got to go to New York, those were the last two.

I knew pretty damn near nothing about the world. But I was feeling right cocky ’bout knowing my way around a airplane. When we went to New York, we drove to Raleigh, went right through them security guards, got some snacks, and waited in some chairs while I got to looking around for that “gate” that now I know don’t exist. We got on the plane, flew with a whole buncha people, got off, and a man with a sign met us to get in the car.

I was goin’ through all that in my head again so I wasn’t embarrassed goin’ off to Palm Beach for Mrs. Mason’s book party. But I got all throwed right off the bat when we drove to the little airport not ten minutes from the house and waited around outside a tiny little plane.

“Why didn’t we go through security?” I whispered to Graham.

“Khaki’s parents chartered a jet for this trip.”

I got to searching my brain for the word chartered. Only thing I knew about chartering was somethin’ with making a new state. “What’s ‘chartered’ mean?”

Graham smiled. “Rented.”

I mean, I don’t know near nothing ’bout traveling, like I said, but any fool could see this was a darn sight better than waitin’ around in that musty airport. And it was real nice to just be with people you liked. The inside reminded me of Khaki’s Mercedes, all leather and wood trim everywhere.

’Course I thanked Mr. and Mrs. Mason about a million times for inviting me and said hey to Khaki’s sister Virginia, Charlie, and Greg. I weren’t trying to, but I overheard Mrs. Mason say to Virginia, “I don’t know why on earth she can’t be sensible and leave those children at home like you did.”

Khaki don’t never leave her children.

I heard a man on the news saying that winning the Mega Millions lottery was the best feelin’ in the whole world, but that ain’t right. Having somebody love you so much they cain’t even leave you for vacation is the best feelin’. And I got all warm inside just knowin’ that you was gonna get to feel like that.

A whole flock a’ fancy black cars was waiting when that plane landed with a real smooth little bump. At first, I thought we was in trouble or something, all them black car noses pointing at us. I heard Khaki whisper, “Seriously, Momma, Bentleys? Don’t you think that’s a hair excessive?”

Khaki’s momma, she got kinda snippy about it. “This might be the only book launch I ever have, and I will celebrate as I see fit.”

Mr. Mason, he was all happy and calm and smilin’. He just said, “Girls, please don’t argue. This is a special time for the whole family to be together.”

Virginia took Khaki’s hand, and they got to laughing right hard ’bout something must’ve been a sister joke as they slid in the backseat.

Like I said, the only hotel I’d ever stayed at was the Oceanana. So “hotel” to me meant a small, concrete building with doors on the outside. I had already got to picturing hunter green floral bedspreads and cups with plastic wrap over them. Not a damn thing in this world, not even them Town & Country magazines, coulda prepared me for drivin’ up that brick driveway, eyes jumping ’round between rows and rows a’ perfect palm trees, the ivy-covered walls and shiny building taking my breath away. This looked like somewhere kings and presidents and princesses stay, not country girls like me. And everybody else, they was just a-chattering away like it weren’t nothing.

With my bag slung over one arm and you on my hip, I like to have tiptoed into the lobby of that giant hotel. Every place I’d ever lived combined weren’t near as big as the front hall. Two men in uniforms said, “I’ll get that, ma’am.” They took my bag, and I wasn’t even worried they were stealing it. Ain’t nobody ever called me ma’am before.

“Some place, isn’t it?” Khaki said.

That’s when I realized my mouth was hanging open. The ceilings was painted with pictures and all them arches everywhere and glass chandeliers bigger than me. “It looks like the pictures of the Sistine Chapel in my old history textbook.”

Khaki nodded. “It’s beautiful, for sure.”

I couldn’t near imagine how much it must’ve cost for all a’ us to stay in a place like this. But I woulda bet that first sweet corn a’ the season I didn’t make it in a year. People, they was always talking ’bout Mrs. Mason getting all that insurance money when her family got killed in that car wreck. But I hadn’t had a damn clue what that money could buy.

“Let’s get cleaned up and meet out by the pool for lunch in thirty minutes,” Mrs. Mason said.

I followed Khaki outta the elevator, near bumping into her. She led me into a bedroom all blue and white and clean and crisp and the ocean and sun just shining in everywhere you could look.

“I hope you don’t mind sharing a room with Alex,” she said. “Carolina and Grace are going to sleep with us.” She pointed to a door and said, “Our rooms are adjoining, so we’ll prop them open, and we can all go in and out.”

I peeked my head into a marble bath like my heart couldn’t take nothing else so amazing. I knew I hadn’t said one dern word since we got there.

Mrs. Mason swished on through and said, “Is everything to everyone’s liking?”

I just hugged her real hard.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Mrs. Mason, she was ’bout as warm and fuzzy as a porcupine, but I didn’t blame her none. Losing all them people she loved when she weren’t more than a grade-school girl, that’s bound to make you hard inside. She said, “Hurry up, now. Get your suits on. I’m sure everyone is hungry.”

“Jodi, Jodi,” Alex called, all excited. “Which bathing suit should I wear?”

Khaki, she answered him all sugarplum sweet, “Do you want to see which one Daddy is wearing and you can match?”

“Yeah!” he yelled, jumping onto the bed.

Khaki shook her head and whispered to me, “I want so badly to turn that bed down so he’s not on a germy comforter, but I don’t want my children to inherit my phobias.”

Germs don’t know how to even get in places this beautiful. Khaki squeezed Alex’s hand and took him through to the other room, saying, “Let’s let Jodi get ready, please.”

I sat down on the edge of my bed real soft. I was so scared I was gonna wake up and this weren’t gonna be real, not any of it. Girls like me, we didn’t get to come to places like this. Girls like me didn’t go on millionaire vacations and ride in private jets and Bentleys. I was gonna make it last long and sweet like one a’ Grandma’s butterscotch. The Walmart bathing suit and dirty flip-flops in my ten-year-old duffel bag looked a darn sight more like the trailer park’s Fourth of July barbecue than Palm Beach. But that weren’t none a’ my concern. You could tell straight off, all them people down by the pool, they was all worried ’bout how they looked, not me.

Buddy crossed my mind. He woulda been telling me how you got to be who you are and it don’t matter where you are. I would be lying if I didn’t say I kinda wished he was here with me. We’d get to be all shocked about the chandeliers together. We did work together. I could call him and just see how my jars did at the market.

“So,” I said, when he answered. “Did you make it through the day all right without me?”

“It was real tough,” he replied. “The good news is, your stuff sells itself.”

I gasped. “Did it all go again today?”

“Every last jar.”

I closed my eyes, feelin’ the cold Kinston air on my face. I was having a real good time here in the sunshine. But there weren’t no two ways around it: I’d kinda like to be wherever Buddy was.

“I’m real glad we decided to keep on growing all year. The winter used to be right depressing, but now you’ve changed all that.” He paused. “So how’s Palm Beach?”

I bit my lip. I didn’t want him to hear my smile, ’specially ’cause it were more about him than Palm Beach. “Oh, Buddy. This place ain’t like nothing I ever seen. Talk about country come to town.”

“Hold your head up and walk tall like you belong.” It was just what I knew he’d say. “Maybe you’ll take me back there with you one day?” I blushed right hard. “You know, now that you’re gonna be a famous published author.”

“Oh, Buddy, stop,” I said. “We don’t know if they’re gonna even buy it.” But I didn’t want him to stop no more than I wanted to can crickets and eat ’em.

Khaki Tinkerbelled through the door saying, “I thought you might want—”

She stopped right quick when she saw me on the phone and whispered, “Oh, sorry.”

“No, no,” I said, putting my hand up for her to stay. “I gotta run,” I said to Buddy. “But I’ll see ya real soon.”

“Take me some pictures,” he called. “And make sure you’re in ’em.”

That blush had ahold a’ me good now. I couldn’t even say nothin’ so I just hung up.

Khaki said, “I hope you didn’t hang up on my account.”

Grace was propped up real snug over her shoulder, wearing the tiniest pink seersucker bathing suit with little ruffles on the bottom. There weren’t nobody on earth who could get herself lookin’ good and get three youngens all ready better than Khaki.

“I brought way too many cover-ups, and I thought you might want to wear this one.” She handed me a blue-and-white tunic with beading all ’round the collar. It were ’bout as gorgeous as the crown jewels. “I thought it would look pretty with your eyes.” She pointed to the floor. “And I wasn’t sure if you brought any sandals, but it’s not exactly a short walk to the pool.”

We did wear the same size shoe. Not a damn thing I could do about that. I thought of Daddy telling me to never take a handout—and then I thought on my old flip-flops in my bag. “You know, I didn’t bring a single dern pair.”

I learned quick what a “cabana” was. And it was real nice to have a little kitchen and bathroom and couches and playpens for you and Grace to nap. We didn’t even have to walk back to the hotel. Alex was on a bike ride with your daddy, and I got to thinking in all that silence what a great, big world there was out there. I ain’t seen near a postage stamp of it. Seeing the world, doin’ something outside a’ Kinston—I ain’t never thought about them things any more than I woulda thought about getting my recipes all published up or having my own pretty jars for cannin’.

I got to thinking on how addin’ the rest of the sugar to my almost-cooked jam made it bubble up to the top of the pot. That was me now, bubbling all over, thinkin’ for the first time in my life that I could do something. Like my momma had said about her own self all those years ago, I could be somebody.

I was gettin’ all nervous and such when Khaki looked over and handed me a small stack of worksheets with boxes on ’em.

“What’s this? Homework?”

She laughed. “Sort of. Graham and I do these goal-setting worksheets once a quarter where you imagine yourself in ten years and then set goals accordingly.”

I was right confused. “So do you want me to do his worksheet for him?”

She took a sip of her virgin daiquiri and laughed again. “No, silly. I want you to do it for you.” She took another sip and said, “All you have to do is let yourself be completely free, open, and uninhibited about what your ideal life could look like in ten years if you had absolutely no restrictions.”

“No restrictions,” I repeated.

“Right,” she said. “No ‘I don’t have that kind of money,’ or ‘I could never travel that far.’ Just uninhibited dreaming.”

“I cain’t do that,” I said. “It don’t seem real realistic.”

She shook her head. “Nope. We live in the U.S.A., sweetie pie. It might be hard as hell and you might never achieve it, but you’re allowed to dream whatever dream you want.”

I pulled my sunglasses down, feeling kinda nervous and shaky knowin’ that she weren’t wrong. “Will Graham be mad that I did his sheet?” I asked.

“Well,” Khaki said, “the whole point is to dream of yourself in ten years and start reaching those goals today. Graham said his goal was to ride bikes with Alex more in ten years, so he was going to go do that instead.”

We both laughed. As I put the pen to the paper, I got all tense and nerve-racked. Girls like me, we don’t think on what we want. We think on how we’re gonna survive. It kinda made me smile, thinking ’bout Marlene. God bless her sweet soul, she’d been tryin’ to teach me my whole life how to dream. Lord knows, she always was.

“What if I change my mind?” I asked Khaki. “I mean, what if I write all this mess up, and then I get to realizin’ I wanna do something different?”

She reached over and patted my leg real soft and sure. “Then you rip the worksheet up and start over. This is your life, sweetheart.”

I closed my eyes and breathed real deep. I thought I didn’t know what I wanted one whit. But when I wasn’t pushing it all away, them thoughts just got to popping up. I looked right good in another cap and gown, my jars looked real cute on the grocery store shelf, and I probably don’t have to tell you that that hand I was holdin’ looked a hair like Buddy’s. But I got to openin’ my eyes real quick when I seen me holding a baby.

I spent near an hour scribbling on them pages, gettin’ to figuring on how I could make my little dreams work out real good. When I was finished, I looked over at Khaki in her printed bikini. She was always complaining how she ain’t got her body back yet. But, if I were her I’d be moving to California right quick so I could wear my bikini every damn day. She looked like she were dozing. But I whispered all the same, “I think I’m gonna try to go to college.”

She nodded, looked on over at me, and said, “I think I’m going to sell my store.”

We both turned back to stare out over the pool connected to the ocean, all glittery like a Christmas card. Sometimes, there ain’t nothing more to say.