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Saturday, 10th December 1887
Jamie kicked the rubbish bin as he staggered past, a bottle swinging from his hand. A small rebellion when likened to the fights he usually got into, but helpful nevertheless. Where was this better life he was supposed to be coming to? He’d thought he’d found it on the ship. He thought he’d found his future in Maggie, the tall, brown-haired girl from the north who had captured his heart, but so far it hadn’t been much of a new life. He couldn’t even find decent work.
He and Maggie still took evening walks, but less frequently, and all the fire had gone out of her since ... well, since that day. Michael deserved what he got, but even in death he had succeeded in destroying her life, and Jamie’s with it. They’d had dreams, the two of them – bold dreams with goals he had to measure up to – but none of it mattered any more. It seemed as if Maggie had accepted a lesser place in life as punishment for what she’d done.
“I’m at ease here, tending for Brigid and the girls, I am. And I do still need you, Jamie, but not like before. I need your strength to know I did right – for the girls. Whatever happens to me now doesn’t matter. But the girls ...” She drifted off to her inner world again, leaving Jamie bereft. Nothing he said made any difference.
His fear of being followed had abated as time passed, but with Maggie as a constant reminder of what could have been, he was eaten up with doubts. He still worried that some clue might lead the police to them, even though there were no names on any passenger lists coming to New Zealand. But what if they did find them? Then what?
He stared up at the strange night sky, wishing for something worthwhile to cling to. Twelve months to the day since he’d jumped ship, full of hope, and now he felt as though he was back in Ireland twelve months before that, knowing life was leading him nowhere. He felt trapped.
Oh, for sure, he had Brigid, whom he adored, and the girls reminded him of his little sisters and cousins, but a man needed more than cousins and sisters to sustain him. A man needed a woman.
Slowly, he’d come to the realisation that he hated city life. He hated the routine. He hated the hard surfaces, the noise, and expectations. He was a country person. It had taken a journey of many thousands of miles and many months for him to come to the decision that the good parts of Ireland – clean fresh air, animals, crops and a family – were what he wanted here. He didn’t want the hardships and poverty that had gone with it, people starving and the English landlords taking everything – that’s why he’d left. He wanted a just life where hard work brought wellbeing and pride.
A man needed his pride.
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Sitting around the table after dinner one evening later that week, with the girls playing happily at some game, the adults chatted amiably.
Christmas, and how they would celebrate this year, was high on the agenda.
“I can make us a spiced beef roast, just like from home,” offered Maggie quietly.
Laura jumped up and down and clapped her hands. “Can we make cards to give our friends at school?”
“Aye. We can do that.” Stirrings of gaiety tickled Brigid’s insides. “We can decorate the room too. And I’ll teach you to make paper chains. Jamie, can you find us some greenery to use instead of the holly we had at home? Oh, and we must light a candle in the window on Christmas Eve to guide Mary and Jesus to us.”
Jamie wasn’t the slightest bit interested in any celebrations. “Ach, don’t waste your money. I tell you, Brigid, t’ings is not looking good. I hear about men being put out of work for the slightest of notions. And there’s endless talk about the recession, and it’s getting worse. Folks are worried.”
While Brisbane had been having a building boom in the few years before Brigid and the others arrived, it seemed New Zealand had not enjoyed the same prosperity.
“I wonder if Mrs Browne knew about the slowdown?” asked Sally.
Jamie shook his head. “I doubt it. She wouldn’t have risked her money if she had.”
Brigid wanted nothing to dampen her spirits. “We’re doing well enough for now, so don’t fret, Jamie. We’ll just have to come up with some other ideas to attract customers. I am determined to make a go of it. I like it here, and I want to stay.”
“Me too,” said Sally.
Jamie remained silent.
He’d made up his mind. He was leaving – as soon as the New Year was in. He’d go. Somewhere. Anywhere. He couldn’t stand the guilt any longer.