Chapter Thirty-Two
I stay up the rest of the night, my brain spiraling with the whole thing. Me. Him. This. Us. I can’t help but wonder if he’s trying to figure out how to get out of being in so deep with me. It would be for the best—us calling it quits. Not even I can handle my own baggage. How can I expect someone else to? Plus, I’m not even who I say I am.
Finally at five I get up. I just want to get out of here. I want to get back to the road. To Anne. To my hotel room. My solitary life. To the safety that existed in my private world before I let West in.
“You’re up,” he says, walking right in my open door.
I nod. “Do you mind if we go?”
“And not say bye to my family?” His jaw hardens. “That’s rude.”
It is rude, but I just don’t think I can face them.
He sighs and shakes his head. “Fine, but I’m going to at least wake up my Gramma and say bye.”
Gideon no longer has power over you. This is what I remind myself as I channel strength and independence—the two things I know I need to get me back on track. But even as I try to channel those two things, I know I’m kidding myself. He does have power over me, and I think he probably always will.
I climb into the passenger side, West puts the car in gear, and we head south back to Orlando.
“Do you want to talk?” he asks.
I shake my head, and with a sigh he flips on the radio. How stupid was I thinking I could have some sort of normalcy? What was I even thinking getting involved with West? I don’t know what’s worse…hopelessness or having a taste of what’s good before it’s snatched away and ugly reality takes its place.
Two hours go by filled only by him driving, me staring out the window, and the radio filling the car. We don’t speak. We don’t even look at each other. It’s awful.
As we pull into the hotel, my phone vibrates with an email from Bluma, and I breathe out a sigh of relief at finally getting her response.
I make a beeline to the elevator and the security of my room. West just stands in the lobby and stares after me. I’m just as confused as he looks, but I want to read her email in private.
As soon as I’m in my room, I bring it up.
Oh, God, no. What does that mean? Please don’t let Bluma be in trouble.
Are you okay? I respond back and just stare at the phone, waiting, waiting, waiting.
But nothing comes in.
Why are you avoiding me? This is the text I get from West the next day as we’re travelling from Orlando up to Indianapolis. I’m in one to the Tech Vans. I just couldn’t bring myself to ride on the Mack Daddy bus after everything that happened.
Anne sits beside me, and I catch her glancing at my phone. I ignore her and type back, Just need some time.
He doesn’t send me anything back, and I bring up my email inbox and stare at it the whole rest of the way. But still nothing comes in from Bluma.
When we get to Indianapolis I get off the van and glance up to see West standing across the parking lot staring at me, looking so confused and hurt that I almost go to him. Almost. But neither one of us makes a move, and then he turns first and walks away.
If I could be somebody else, anybody, I would. West is better off without me. All I’ve done is lie to him. Lie to everybody. A pang rips through me with it all. What will he do if he ever finds out? You’re real. And that’s not easy to find in this business. That’s what he said to me, and I scoff as I recall his words.
I’m not real at all. Maybe the best thing all around is to just disappear again. Run. It is what I do best.