CHAPTER ELEVEN

Be Clear

Clear Your Mind

Do you ever feel like your brain might burst? Right this minute, my mind is simultaneously processing way too many thoughts:

Need to walk the dogs.

Text my friend back.

Tomorrow’s physics final.

College applications.

Need to make lunch.

What time do I have to wake up tomorrow?

It seems as though my mind is always on overload. But I’m not actually getting anything done. Why is this?

It’s because our brains aren’t meant to hold this much information. Science shows that we can only store a maximum of three or four things at once in our conscious mind, also known as our “working memory.” When we hold on to more than this, our brains become like messy rooms—cluttered and full of junk, so we can’t find anything. No wonder I feel so overwhelmed and disorganized.

If we want to get stuff done, we need to clear our minds. Here is my favorite way:

1. Make a list of everything that’s on your mind. Actually write it all down on a piece of paper. Just getting thoughts out of your head and onto paper helps relieve stress.

2. Read over the list. Cross off the items that are just worries you can’t do anything about right now. You’ll be surprised how many items disappear! Most of what we worry about is out of our control. For example:

I should have rehearsed more for that interview yesterday.

How will my friends like the presentation?

I’m worried about where I’ll get accepted to college.

3. Store the remaining items somewhere. You can use a calendar, an app on your phone, or whatever works best for you. I like using a planner because it lets me turn my thoughts into physical lists for each month, week, and day. You can use any tool you want. Your mind will feel much freer!

I Intend

Another way we can be clear is by setting intentions each morning. Intentions are statements for how we would like to go about our day. Unlike a goal, an intention doesn’t require any steps to reach a certain objective. It’s simply a way to be.

Intentions work like magic. They affect our behavior, how our day goes, and even what things “happen” to us. Here’s how to get started:

1. Make your intentions at a set time each day, such as right after waking up. Take a deep breath. Notice how you feel. Do you have pain anywhere in your body? What is the first thought that pops into your mind? Is your brain racing with stress or worry? Pay attention to all of it.

2. Ask yourself, What do I want to bring into this day? Breathe and listen to your body’s answer.

3. Roll over, grab a pen and notebook, and write down three intentions for the day. Be sure to state them all in the affirmative. (For example, “I will practice forgiveness” rather than “I will not hold a grudge.”) Here is a sample:

I will be patient with myself.

I will listen intently to others.

I will speak out of kindness.

4. Read over your list. Let your intentions seep in. It might help to read them out loud. When you feel satisfied, seal the practice with another deep breath. Throughout your day, whenever you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed or stressed, think back to those statements.

Q&A

Q: Sometimes it’s hard for me to be clear about what I want. Like when a friend invited me to go to a party with her on Friday night. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go, because some boys who I don’t really like were going to be there. But I said I would go because it felt awkward to say no. How can I make decisions based on what I actually want—and stick with them?

A: It’s hard to make decisions in the moment when we feel put on the spot. It helps a lot to get clear on our personal boundaries in advance, before the moment arises. That way, when we’re faced with a tough decision, we already know where we stand.

And if you get a question you don’t feel comfortable answering in the moment, you can always say, “I’ll sleep on it.” Saying you will get back to someone is a good way to give yourself more time to respond naturally.

Ask yourself, What things make me really uncomfortable? Maybe it’s going to certain kinds of parties or wearing certain clothing. What things am I not yet ready to do? Maybe it’s dating or watching a gruesome movie. It’s helpful to have some phrases in our back pocket for when this happens:

I don’t quite feel ready for that.

I’m not comfortable doing that.

Yeah, I’m not really into that.

Let’s do this instead!

Our values change as we grow older. What you’re not comfortable with right now may be fine in a year—or even a month. Start by getting clear with your values at this moment. You can always make changes as you grow and evolve.

The Power of No

The most powerful phrase we can have in our back pocket is NO. This tiny word is the best tool for building clear boundaries for ourselves, which help keep us safe.

When I was younger, it was really hard for me to tell people no. I vividly remember one day when I was 13 years old and sitting outside at a café doing some homework. A grown man walked up to me and asked if he could sit at the empty seat while he waited for his drink. I didn’t know what to say. The thought of this stranger sitting with me made me feel uncomfortable … but I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by telling him no.

“Okay …” I responded. He sat right down.

As I tried to work, the man began asking me questions about myself—where I lived, where I went to school. I started lying about the answers because it didn’t feel right to tell him these things about myself. Then I realized that if I felt this weird talking to him, I probably shouldn’t be. So I mumbled something about having to leave, and awkwardly went to sit inside. After I was inside, I looked out the window and saw the man get up and walk away. He had not been a customer at the café. I felt sick to my stomach.

Immediately afterward, I realized the mistake I had made. I hadn’t said no.

I had been so caught up in making a strange man feel comfortable that I overrode my own instincts, my own discomfort. Thinking about this made me really mad. How could I have been so ignorant? That situation could’ve gotten so much worse! I cursed myself for not saying no when my gut told me it was the right thing to do.

Now that I’m older, I look back at that experience and feel grateful. I was so lucky to have learned about no without experiencing any physical harm. And now, I know to always say no in uncomfortable situations.

Sometimes saying no alone isn’t enough to keep us safe. Sadly, our society generally teaches males to not pay much attention to a woman’s words. Sometimes we might have to just get up and leave or take other physical action. But having no always prepared gives us more control over situations than we would otherwise have.

Learning how to use no is challenging. Years after that café encounter, I’m still getting used to it. With practice, we can get comfortable with the strong, loud clarity of our voices saying “NO.”