CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Be Mad

Fuel for Change

As I’m finalizing this book, massive new protests are erupting around the country in response to America’s centuries of racism and oppression of Black people. Many state and local governments are already changing their policies in response. These protests are the ultimate example of people using anger to take action and initiate major change.

Anger can fuel change on a smaller scale as well. In 2019, three girls at a North Carolina school (ages 5, 10, and 14) were fed up with their school’s dress code, which forced all girls to wear skirts. The skirts were uncomfortable and restricting. They prohibited girls from sitting cross-legged in class and playing certain games at recess. And their legs got really cold in the winter.

One of the three started a petition for the school to allow girls to wear pants. Despite over a hundred signatures, the petition was taken away by a teacher, never to be seen again. But that didn’t stop the girls. They decided to work with the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and sue their school for the right to wear pants. And they won. The unfair rule was struck down, and the case got national coverage.

These examples show us that we can use our anger for positive change. When we join together and take action, it’s amazing what we can do.

At the personal level, there are also so many things in everyday life that make us angry and can be changed.

In high school, the teacher in my dance class required all girls to wear makeup for the final performance (which was to be held in our gym, with no audience). The grading system went like this: if we didn’t wear makeup, we’d fail the final. This rule didn’t sit well with me. I don’t normally wear makeup—and I really didn’t think it should be part of our grade. I knew that if there were boys in the dance class, she wouldn’t expect them to wear makeup. I explained this to the teacher, but she brushed me aside. So I got a group of girls together who agreed that the rule was unfair. We did some research and found out that being graded on our makeup was actually illegal gender discrimination.

The next day after class, we spoke to the dance teacher as a group and told her that the rule was not only sexist, but also illegal. She didn’t seem to care. She was annoyed that we were questioning her grading system. After a couple minutes of back-and-forth conversation, she finally said that that if we didn’t want to get graded on makeup, one of us would have to stand up in front of the class on the day of the final performance to explain why. I agreed to do it.

On the day of the final, my group showed up bare-faced. I stood in the center of the gym and explained to my thirty classmates all the reasons why my group wasn’t wearing makeup. Then I sat down. It was anticlimactic and a little awkward, but it felt so good to know that my friends and I had stood up to authority to take a stance and change the rules, if only for our little group, for one final assignment.

It’s good to remember that any rule of a school or business that treats a group differently might be illegal. You can try to resolve the problem by having a dialogue about it or complaining in writing. If they don’t respond, you may be able to threaten them with a legal claim, like the girls in North Carolina did. This can get results!

Here are some steps I have used to confront unfair practices:

1. Identify the problem. Anything that makes your blood boil and seems unfair is a good candidate for change. Friends can also help clue us in to problems we aren’t aware of.

2. Brainstorm solutions. How can the problem be solved? How can you use your unique talents and abilities to help fix the issue? Write down your ideas. Ask yourself if this is something you can tackle on your own or if it would be better to work with a group of friends. There’s huge power in joining together!

3. Identify the person who can help fix the problem. Once you see a solution, seek out a person who’s in a position to make it happen. Is it a government official, teacher, product manufacturer, or television station?

4. Reach out. Talking directly is usually the most effective tactic. This can include speaking at a city council or school board meeting or calling up a company to talk to its CEO. One-on-one communication is usually best, since it provides optimal clarity.

5. Clearly describe the problem. This part is key. You must explain the issue from your point of view and share how it makes you feel. Often, people are not aware of how things impact others.

6. Offer solutions. What do you think is the best way to fix the problem? Maybe there is a new approach that can make both sides happy? After saying your piece, let the other person offer solutions as well.

7. Try, try again. See if you get any response. Depending on the size of the issue, it may take a while to get the process started. If needed, find a new person who may be able to help. Keep trying. If this tactic doesn’t work, you could organize a group meeting or a protest to address it. And even if your efforts don’t lead to fixing the problem quite yet, there’s huge power in questioning authority and using your anger for good.

Q&A

Q: How do I decide which problems I should try to change?

A: There are so many things that can make us mad—from societal injustices to rude comments. But we can’t fix them all at once; there are only so many hours in the day! We need to be able to sustain our energy for the long haul. This means we have to choose which problems we put our effort into right now. When you encounter a problem, check in: Would it feel better to just let this go right now? Or is there an action you can take to help try and fix it—and would that be worth it? This is always a personal question. Listen to your gut.

If we decide to not take action for now, we still need to fully feel our anger so we can release it. I try to let myself scream, cry, and completely feel the rage. It also sometimes feels great to release it through some deep breathing or singing at the top of my lungs.