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Edwin did not wish to listen to her when she said he must be ready to flee Leornian tomorrow should the battle go ill. Rather than argue, she told him it was time to take his rest, the better to be prepared for the battle. Then she enlisted his servants to pack a bag for him. He would be ready to escape should it come to that. But who would go with him? That she still had not decided, and as queen regent and his mother, it would be her decision. And yet, how could she possibly choose?
She returned weary to her rooms and a maid helped her into her nightgown. Once alone, Rohesia stared at her bed, but knew there was no point getting into it. Sleep would not come while she debated her son’s safety. Somehow, she must decide who to entrust with his future.
Sitting down at her writing desk, she took the journal that had been Faustinus’s wedding gift to her. She had carefully limited her use of it over the years, not knowing when or if she might be able to ask Faustinus for another. No one could read what she wrote on these pages—not even Faustinus—and if she wrote a name at the top of the page and then tore it from the journal, only the person whose name she put at the top might read what she wrote. It was extraordinary hillichmagy, and she did not wish to be profligate with it. So, it contained journal entries from when she had been at her most emotional, such as when her children had been born and when Edgar died. And she had written a very few letters on the paper from it, including her useless plea to Aldrick to do his duty.
She would write in it again tonight. Perhaps if she wrote out her thoughts, they would at last become clear. That was what she prayed to Earstien, at any rate.
May 4, 355
Bocburg, Leornian
I fear tomorrow the battle against the usurper (I do not wish to sully the paper with his name), will go ill. I must be ready to get Edwin far away from here. Who best to send with him, though?
Caedmon, of course, will get him out of Myrcia, for which he already has a plan. However, I know that Caedmon does not wish to spend a long exile with Edwin. He is a great hillichmagnar, and he will be useful in many roles, and I believe he wishes to visit Diernemynster soon. Therefore, someone else must go with Edwin as well.
I long to go with him myself. No one can better look out for his interests and Myrcia’s than I can. Yet, if I do, what becomes of Alice? She is absolutely too young and small to make the journey over the mountains that Caedmon intends. So if Edwin must go, I will be separated from one of my children. Earstien, but no mother should be asked to do this!
Duchess Elena would look after Alice, should I request it of her. And yet, if the situation is such that Edwin must leave, that means Elena will be about to lose her home. I could not ask her to take on such an enormous responsibility under those circumstances. And she would have to watch over Jennifer as well, whose father left her in my care. Could I abandon the child? I would not contemplate such an action for anything short of saving the kingdom from a soulless murderer.
If I can’t be a mother to Edwin, to whom can I entrust him? Elwyn will love him and defend him against anything, but she can barely govern herself. I do not know how practically helpful she would be to her brother. However, if I could save anyone from the enemy forces besides Edwin, it would be Elwyn. Nothing good could come from her being taken prisoner by that foul, loathsome man.
I wonder if Presley might be induced to go with Edwin? He is the most logical, responsible, and savvy person of my acquaintance. The fact that he came back to Myrcia in our time of need shows that he still possesses deep love for his homeland. He will never go anywhere without Grigory, though. And Caedmon intends to take Edwin to Sahasra Deva. Although we are at peace with the Sahasrans, they may not take kindly to someone who turned traitor against their ally, Loshadnarod.
Eleven years ago, Grigory blew up the great dam at Reunion Vale that the Sahasrans were helping the Loshadnarodskis to build. He could not have betrayed his country more completely than that. He would never be welcome in Sahasra Deva; indeed, it would be dangerous for him to go there. But if Presley goes, Grigory will go with him. I could never ask them to go somewhere they would not be safe. Not after all they have done already.
And yet a man should go with Edwin. It would be difficult enough for me to get the men of Sahasra Deva to take my arguments seriously. Edwin will need someone to take the political lead for him, but that man must also be a soldier who can effectively raise an army for him one day. (Edwin will not sit idly by, waiting for that bastard to die.) The best solution then would be a soldier who is also on the privy council. If that man also happened to be related to Edwin, it would be even better.
Lawrence.
And yet. (This has become my favorite expression tonight. I have a thought, and yet....) Can I ask Lawrence to leave his child? Is he in any fit state to look after Edwin? I have never seen my brother as I have seen him in these past days since he lost his wife. And Veronica was so good for him. And even before her death, was I not trying to supplant my own brother with Sir Alfred? I love Lawrence, but the years of war have only proven that he is no general. Can I entrust Edwin and Myrcia to someone I cannot depend upon in battle? Because Edwin will not retake the throne without a fight. And yet, Lawrence is my brother, and I cannot crush him utterly when he is already so devastated. Besides, the world will expect Edwin’s troops to be led by family. For him to be advised by family.
Oh Elwyn! Why could you not have wed Sir Alfred? Then he would already be part of the family. And he is so competent and cosmopolitan. Not to mention unflappable. He would be such an asset to Edwin. Perhaps I should tell Alfred that he will be escaping with Edwin and Elwyn, and he and Elwyn can get married on the road. I wonder if Caedmon is permitted to marry people? If one typically gets married by a preost, how much holier would it be to have a union blessed by an angel?
This assumes, of course, that Elwyn agrees to marry him, and that he will still have her after months of dithering. Can I really ask a man to run away with a girl who has given him no promise of love or fidelity?
And if Alfred leaves with Elwyn and Edwin, does that mean Lawrence must remain behind? Surely I cannot send both of them away as we meet the final onslaught. And would Alfred even agree to go? He loves his men, and they love him. In a last stand, I think they might fight more fervently for him than for Lawrence. Alfred might even be offended if I ask him to leave. He might think it shameful to desert his soldiers in the midst of battle.
Or am I allowing sisterly feelings to cloud my judgement? Am I deliberately looking for reasons to keep Alfred here and send Lawrence away because I want my brother to be safe?
Of course, Lawrence and Alfred will both be in the thick of battle tomorrow. I could make a choice tonight that one of them ought to go with Edwin, and when the time comes, the man I choose will be in the throes of a melee on the other side of the city.
What about Robert Tynsdale? There is no one save Caedmon I trust Edwin’s personal safety to more entirely. And he is family. Although, in spite of his years at court, he is not especially a politician. And even though he has fought in countless battles, he has never commanded one. Then there is the issue of his parentage. If so much of this war hinges on legitimacy, then sending the bastard son of a king to rally troops to fight a different bastard son primarily on the argument that he is a bastard may not be persuasive. Perhaps he ought to go with Edwin anyway. No other bodyguard will be as absolutely trustworthy.
But he has his own family. I know he would leave them if I asked him to. Which is why I cannot ask.
I’ve barely given any thought to what comes after in Myrcia for those who remain should the usurper win. Yes, Elwyn would be forced to marry, so she must go. But what of the others? Lawrence, I fear, would be executed, unless I might convince the soulless usurper to allow Lawrence to remain alive with his motherless daughter, maybe in Atherton with our mother. I do not believe Alfred would elicit any special wrath, and surely the fighting men will be spared. (Not even this heartless man can execute everyone.) Robert is his brother, but also a man of special talents. Perhaps I should encourage Robert to take his family and flee? If his children were not so young, I would suggest they all go with Edwin. Presley, Grigory, and Intira, surely, are safe from reprisals. The enemy has enough trouble here without angering the Empire and Faustinus.
This all assumes, of course, that everyone I have named survives the battle. Am I condemning to death whoever I do not send with Edwin? If it is bad enough that the king must fly into exile, is anyone’s life safe?
Too many lives depend on my choice. Do I spend the night praying that somehow we win, or let myself agonize over this decision? I fear whatever I decide, I will regret it, should I be fortunate enough to live. When I agreed to marry Edgar, I knew being Queen of Myrcia and one day mother of the king would entail enormous responsibilities. And yet, I never imagined they would involve such profound questions of life and death.
I will sleep now, or at least I will lie in my bed. I cannot keep my eyes open and my head aches. Earstien grant me wisdom should this terrible decision fall to me.