Sully stood in the shower for thirty minutes. It took that long to get the stench of the river out of his pores. But he could have stayed there the rest of the day and not gotten rid of the angst that throbbed under his skin. He still shook when he got out and put on fresh clothes.
Although the heat was at its midday worst, he stepped onto the balcony that opened out of his suite and stood in the sun. The water beyond taunted him.
Gotcha. Sucked you right in, right where you didn’t want to go.
Sully sat on the edge of a wrought-iron table and stared it down. It had gotten him, because he couldn’t stand there and let it swallow up another little girl into its insatiable gut. He’d saved this one. He should be thanking God for that.
But it only mocked him, only shoved a picture in his face of the tiny girl he didn’t rescue.
Hannah had just learned to smile, just started to search his face with her new brown-eyes-like-his until a grin appeared, first one small side, then the other. She had only begun to sense that he could be trusted.
Had she been wrong?
Dear God, hold me fast. Hold me fast until I can know if I failed.
And then what?
“Marnie!”
The urgency in the voice made Sully twist to look toward the house. Marnie ran down the steps from the dock, and Lucia was hard after her, calling out her name.
“I can’t do it!” Marnie cried over her shoulder. “I just can’t.”
Sully moved to the railing. This could be just a female squabble, which wouldn’t surprise him, with the tension building up a head of steam around here. Or it could be another situation gone mad. That wouldn’t surprise him either.
Marnie had stopped by now, only a few yards from his balcony, and Lucia joined her. Marnie hugged herself against Lucia’s hands-on-hips stance.
“Why is her door locked?” Lucia said.
Marnie curled into her own chest and flung her head back. “Because she kicked me out.”
“What happened?” Lucia said.
“I didn’t mean to upset her, I swear.”
“I didn’t say you did. What happened?”
The steadiness of Lucia’s voice impressed him.
“She wanted me to write this blog, and I couldn’t do it.”
“What blog?”
“Against Egan and the whole board—saying they weren’t really Christians because they were trying to take her down. It’s wrong. I think she’s losing it, Lucia—even if she is your sister—and it doesn’t matter because I’m quitting anyway.”
Lucia took a step toward her. “Okay—what was Sonia doing when you left the room?”
“She grabbed the laptop from me and said she’d write it herself. I didn’t see how she could, so I didn’t try to stop her, but then she started typing. And I said she was going to hurt her hands, and that’s when she told me to get out.” Marnie started to cry. “I’m sorry to leave you with everything, Lucia, but I just can’t do this anymore. I have to get out of here.”
Lucia was already halfway back up the steps. “Do what you have to do,” she said, not unkindly, and headed inside.
Sully wasn’t far behind her.
I couldn’t get Sonia to open the door, and neither could Sullivan. She assured us she was fine, in a smooth voice that sounded nothing like a woman who had just thrown out her assistant and was writing some scathing blog on MySpace. That in itself was disturbing.
Sullivan motioned for me to follow him out into the foyer, which I did, gladly.
“We might want to leave her alone for now,” he said. “I don’t think we’re getting anywhere, and if we push too hard, we’ll just make things worse.”
“How much worse?” I said.
He gave me a long look, eyes a sad brown. “Let’s talk,” he said. We went to the kitchen, where he nodded for me to sit.
“You want something to drink?” he said.
“I can get it.”
He peered into the refrigerator. “What we need is some sweet tea.” He pronounced it as if it were all one word. “What do you say we talk while I make some?”
I wanted to get back to Bethany. I wanted to hunt down Marnie and find out if she was actually quitting. I wanted to break down my sister’s door and tell her to come out and stop being an idiot. But I watched him fill a pan with water and put it on the stove and disappear into the pantry and come out with a canister of sugar and a box of tea bags—all with a methodical rhythm that made me stay there. Something about it made sense. I wanted above all for something to make sense.
“Your sister needs therapy,” he said as he turned on the burner.
“There’s a physical therapist coming tomorrow,” I said, and then felt like I’d just said I painted the bathroom. I shook my head. “I know you meant a psychotherapist.”
“The other kind will help, too, I’m sure. But, yeah, she needs professional help dealing with all this.”
“She refused all counseling at Crozer.”
He dumped two cups of sugar into the pan before he turned back to me. “Was she behaving like this in the hospital?”
“You mean being irrational and ticking everybody off?”
“Yeah.”
“That didn’t start happening until the board made noises about her not doing public appearances, about a week ago. I thought she was nuts then, even thinking about that. This is worse.”
Good. I’d just used the word nuts with a doctor of psychology.
But he nodded as if I’d just said something clinically profound. “It’s definitely not sane thinking, and quite frankly, she’s headed for trouble if we can’t talk her into seeing somebody. I have a couple of people in mind.”
“We?” I said.
He looked up from stirring, and to my amazement, his face went red.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “was I overstepping my boundaries?”
“No,” I said. On the contrary. The idea of having someone sane in this with me was the first hopeful thought I’d had since I’d arrived.
“I’m speaking purely as a concerned friend,” he said, “but a friend with a little expertise.”
“Can you try to convince her, then?” I said. “She listens to you.” He grinned. “Only because I haven’t crossed her yet. First we have to get her to unlock the door.”
We. I never thought I could love a pronoun so much. My life had been I for so long, I wasn’t even sure I could handle anything plural. But he said it with such ease.
“I’m going to let that boil,” he said. “You hungry? I haven’t eaten anything all day. We might be able to lure Sonia out with a homecooked meal.”
He cocked an eyebrow and shook his head as I shook mine.
“She won’t eat,” I said, “and I’m not hungry. Thanks for offering.” “Talk to me while I try to concoct something,” he said.
“There’s something else I want to ask you.”
“Ask away.”
He came around the counter and folded himself into the chair next to me, which swiveled to face me. I waited to feel uncomfortable— and didn’t.
“I want to hire you to counsel me about Bethany,” I said.
He tilted his head at me. “I see.”
“That poor little girl has been so ignored it borders on abusive neglect as far as I’m concerned.” My words were coming out with too much emotion. I needed to be more professional about this.
“I was hoping somebody would see it. It doesn’t surprise me that it was you.” He rubbed at his chin with his thumb. “Now would be the perfect time for someone to start working with her. I haven’t actually done much work with kids, but I could probably recommend someone.”
“No,” I said. “Not Bethany. Me. I don’t want her to know anything about this. I just want some help so I can help her.”
He looked at me with a sadness I didn’t expect. Must be the expression that came before I’m sorry, ma’am, but you are beyond help.
“I have to give you a two-part answer,” he said.
“Yes or no would be fine.”
He gave me half of the grin. “I wish it were ever that easy. Here’s the deal. I’m not sure how ethical it would be for me to counsel you about Bethany without her mother’s permission.”
“And here’s my deal,” I said. “If it weren’t for her mother, I wouldn’t be asking you this.”
I was dumbfounded by my own moxie, but things were just coming out of my mouth. If they offended Sullivan Crisp, he was a great actor. He leaned an elbow on the counter and nodded at me as if we were colleagues.
“It’s a gray area,” he said.
“That sounds like a no to me.”
“Not entirely. Let’s look at this and see what we can come up with.”
A gleam formed in his sad eyes. We were apparently entering territory he found fascinating.
“If we limit ourselves to just discussing your relationship with Bethany and what you can do for her in that capacity, I think we’d be within the limits of therapeutic propriety.”
“And not discuss Sonia’s role in her life.”
“Could be difficult, couldn’t it? And here’s something else to think about: you might make tremendous progress with Bethany, but when you leave, she’s still going to be living here with the same mother.”
As if I hadn’t been hearing my mother saying that in my head all day, just like she’d reminded me every time I had ever touched anything that belonged to Sonia: Lucia Marie, don’t get attached to that. You know you’re going to have to give it back to her.
Sullivan waited. He looked as if he were going to listen to me.
“I’m working on that too,” I said. “That’s why I want you to keep trying to get her to see somebody. I want them both in some kind of good place before I leave.”
“How much time are we talking about?”
“Twenty-eight days.”
He gave me the whole grin. “Sounds like a jail sentence.”
“I thought it sounded more like a stint in rehab.”
“There you go.”
It wasn’t a taunt. In fact, his voice was like an arm that drew me into some inner circle of decision.
“Look, I’ll do anything to help them,” I said.
“All right. Then let’s give this a shot.”
I hated to break the ease that had crept into me, but I said, “How much do you charge?”
He shook his head. “I’m here as a guest, and I don’t know how long Sonia is going to put up with me, especially if I push her too hard on getting psychiatric help. I can’t in good conscience charge you if I can’t commit to working with you long-term.” It wasn’t the grin he delivered this time, but a soft smile. “I’d be honored to do this as a gift—to Sonia’s family.”
I didn’t know what to say then. It had been so long since I’d talked with anyone who treated me like an intellectual equal, and more than that, a person capable of making wise decisions. I didn’t want the conversation to be over.
“Two things we need to agree on,” he said.
“One?”
“Although our circumstances are pretty unconventional for a therapeutic setting, we need to observe certain boundaries, for your sake more than mine. You don’t want me observing you 24/7, ready to jump in with a suggestion.”
“What does that mean, exactly?” I said.
“That once we start—counseling—we should limit our conversations to that—not that we can’t chat it up on the lawn when we pass, that kind of thing, but don’t you agree that we wouldn’t be comfortable barbecuing steaks together on the back deck after a session?”
Okay, so there went that comfort zone.
“And number two?” I said.
He leaned back and shoved his hands into the pockets of his baggy shorts. “If we’re going to figure out your relationship with Bethany, we may have to talk some about you, personally.”
I stiffened. “Like what?”
“Maybe some things about your childhood that remind you of Bethany’s—that’s just an example.” He shrugged. “We may not have to go there.”
But that same gleam in his eye indicated that he sincerely hoped we would.
He could hope all he wanted. I wasn’t about to revisit the childhood I didn’t like the first time I was there.
“You may want to think that over before you decide,” Sullivan said.
“No,” I said. “I’m in.”
For Bethany. For her childhood, not mine.
Sullivan didn’t make any progress with Sonia that evening. When I came downstairs after tucking Bethany into bed, he was waiting in the foyer, his back to the mirror, which meant I had to see myself as I faced him. I’d showered after my dip in the river, but I hadn’t dried my hair or put on makeup, and I was the picture of loveliness. I looked instead at the marble floor.
“The door’s still locked,” he said. “She says she’s turning in for the night.”
“She needs her meds,” I said.
“She told me she took them already. Do you think she’d take too many? Because if you think she would—”
“She’d throw herself into the river before she’d do that.”
I looked up to see him wince visibly.
“I’m being sarcastic,” I said. “I’ll sleep down here tonight.”
“Please call me if you get concerned about her. I left my cell number on the kitchen counter.” He gave me the half grin. “And some sweet tea in the fridge. You should try it—especially if you want to stay awake. There’s enough sugar in there to give you ADD.”
I tried to decide that he was just another man who assumed that since I was fat, I’d love to consume large amounts of refined cane. But I couldn’t quite get there, not with the way he tilted his head at me and said, “Rest well, Lucia.”
I sat up at the kitchen counter for a while, afraid to eat because I could hear Marnie in her room downstairs, probably packing. I found a piece of paper and tried making a list of things I could do to draw Bethany out.
• turn off the TV
• inventory toys with her; find out what she likes to play with
• set up play date with some GIRLS
• find Hershey bars
• for Bethany
• and me
I was about to crumple it up when I thought I heard Sonia call to me. But when I got there, her door was still locked, and a quiet call to her elicited nothing but a sleepy moan. After that I attempted to sleep on a suede love seat in the office just outside her bedroom, but between my backside hanging halfway off and the stuff wrestling in my head and the muttering that came from my sister’s direction, I gave up around five and went for the kitchen. Muttering meant she was alive. But I wouldn’t be if I didn’t eat something.
The empty kitchen met me with its arms open. Arms that beckoned with promises of comfort, and in spite of the hope that Sullivan Crisp could help me with Bethany and Sonia, I still had such an empty place to fill.
But the kitchen’s arms were jealous ones, I knew. Once I let them take hold of me, they weren’t going to let go. At five in the morning, though, who was going to find me there, giving in to them?
I walked resolutely to the pantry. I didn’t have to give in completely. I needed to eat or I wouldn’t get through a day that promised to be more draining than the day before. Just eat a bowl of cereal. And a banana. A little milk.
I saw a bag of potato chips first. Somebody had gone grocery shopping. Must have been Marnie.
I licked the salt off of the first chip, softening it to dissolve like a Communion wafer in my mouth. As it turned soggy, I added another one and another one, until I had to gulp to swallow them. A few more and the pain would disappear and I could stop. I ate the next twenty without ritual, faster, with the fear that they wouldn’t fill me up. As I dug deep into the bottom, my cell rang in my pocket.
I dropped the bag like a thief and rummaged for the phone. I didn’t take the time to see who it was before I whispered a hoarse, “Hello.”
“You didn’t call me yesterday,” Chip said.
“Hi,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“You didn’t have time.”
It wasn’t a question, but I said no anyway. With one hand over the phone, I shoved the chip bag to the back of the pantry shelf.
“Lucia.”
“What?”
“It’s pure chaos, isn’t it?”
“It’s—yeah.”
“I know. That’s why I’m calling you at this hour. It’s the only time you’re free, am I right?”
His voice didn’t hold an I-told-you-so. It was somehow understanding, and I wanted to cling to it, let it hold me for a minute.
“I called to tell you I’m going on the road today,” he said.
“Where?”
“Up Boston way. We’re demonstrating a new MRI.”
“Okay,” I said. I wondered vaguely where Marnie planned to go from here. The urge to cling passed.
“Lucia.”
“Yeah?”
“Can you do this for twenty-seven more days?”
Dread descended on me.
“You don’t have to answer,” he said. “I miss you, babe.”
He didn’t wait for me to answer that one either.
The faint call of “Lucia?” from Sonia’s suite made me stuff the phone back into my pocket and hurry to her. She stood in the open doorway, mask off, head bare, eyes unnaturally bright.
“I’m glad you’re up,” she said. “I’m ready to start the day. Does Marnie have the coffee ready?”
“I thought Marnie quit,” I said carefully.
Sonia gave me the twisted smile. “So did Marnie. Get her, would you? I’m going to pray with her. I’ve been praying all night, in fact, and I know what has to be done. Oh, and while I’m talking to her, would you mind calling Roxanne?”
I would mind incredibly.
“She and I are going to start a whole new ministry. I can’t wait to get started.” She stared at me. “So—go get Marnie.”
I did not get Marnie. I went to the kitchen and found the card Sullivan Crisp had left on the counter.