Let’s just put it out there: Everyone does it. Without sounding too Pollyanna about it all, masturbation is a fact of life. How often you do it, how you do it, or what you think about while you do it isn’t important; it’s the fact that you do it that makes you a human dude. Everyone has opinions on the rights and wrongs of jerking off from the right way to do it to whether doing it at all is wrong.
The goal of this section isn’t to get into a discussion on whether it’s okay to do it. The assumption is that you do, but you may not think of it as an act of self-care. For many men, masturbating is a means to an end. It’s a way to alleviate anxiety or stress or pent-up sexual tension, something to be done when you’re alone in the house, while you’re watching dirty movies, or maybe to “clean the pipes” before getting busy with another human. But like most things that fall under the umbrella of self-care, it’s not about what you’re doing, it’s about why you’re doing it.
Masturbating has actual proven health benefits. Some say it can help lower the risk of prostate cancer. Others say it can improve your mood and your immune system. It has also been said to improve your heart health, help you sleep better, and even make your skin better. But one of the most important benefits can be harder to measure: Jerking off is self-care.
The way masturbation can improve your mood is similar to exercise. When you work out, you release endorphins, which help decrease stress and elevate your happiness. Orgasms also release hormones called dopamine and oxytocin, which make you happier as well as activate the pleasure sensors in your nervous system. This goes for any orgasm, whether you’re having one with a partner or not.
But the self-care benefits of masturbation go beyond the physiological. Masturbating can help you get to know your body and form a positive relationship with it. It can help you become in tune with how your body responds to certain things. It can deepen the understanding you have of your body.
A healthy solo sex routine can make sex with a partner better too. Some studies have shown that regular masturbation helps men with erectile issues stay harder by increasing blood flow to their groin area. Others have found that masturbation allows some men to last longer during sex, particularly if it’s done an hour or so before the act (seems like There’s Something about Mary was on to something).
As established, masturbation can improve your relationship with your own body, and when you have a good relationship with your body, a few things can happen. You can be less self-conscious with another person. It can also help you become more in tune with your desires and what brings you pleasure. Once you know what you like, you can ask your partner for it.
Some partners view masturbation as a sign that their partner is unsatisfied. The reality is that that’s rarely the case. If your partner is not a fan of your solo sex practices, invite them to try mutual masturbation to show them that sex with yourself doesn’t mean you don’t want to have sex with them too. It’s all part of the same picture.
To make masturbation part of your self-care routine, the first thing to do is reframe your thinking. Instead of thinking of jerking off as something to do quickly and “get through,” give yourself time to savor the experience. Check in with your body while you’re doing it, and make it something you look forward to. Wellness folk are calling it “mindful masturbation,” and it’s a real thing. Here’s how to do it.
If you’ve always masturbated the same way, maybe even since you were a kid, you’re missing the possibility of new experience. It could be as simple as switching your position (lie down if you usually stand up) or location (do it in the shower if you’re usually in bed). It could also mean keeping quiet if you usually make a lot of noise or vice versa. Try to do something different each time to find out how your body responds.
Lots of men use porn to facilitate masturbation, and that’s totally fine, but the problem comes from depending on it to get in the mood. If you usually watch porn when you masturbate, next time turn it off. Use your imagination instead. Think of previous sexual encounters or fantasize about new ones.
If you’re masturbating with a goal in mind (i.e., an orgasm), you may rush through it and only focus on your hardware. Instead, take time to savor the experience and allow your hands to touch other parts of your body. Understand the sexual sensations of other parts of your body. It could be as simple as using a different hand, touching your nipples, stroking your inner thigh, or massaging your prostate area; all could lead to new, and better, sensations.
Instead of trying to come as quickly as possible, try to keep the orgasm at bay. In sexual circles, this is called edging, where you get yourself close to orgasm but don’t finish the job. Get yourself to the edge of orgasm and then take a break. Once you’ve calmed down, start up again. Do this a few times in a row until you can’t wait anymore. The result is a deeper orgasm.
Just like exploring other parts of your body, using different tools apart from your hands can open you up to new experiences you never had before (and never knew you liked). Try a masturbation sleeve, which is a toy meant to mimic the feeling of partner sex. Or consider a prostate stimulating tool or butt plug, which helps to massage the G-spot around your prostate and many say produces more full-body orgasms.
Remember that old wives’ tale that if you masturbate too much you’ll grow hair on your palms? That’s not going to happen. The fact is that there is no set standard for what is “too much.” How much you masturbate is personal, and while there aren’t any specific health conditions that stem from excessive masturbation, there are a few warning signs that you should ease up. If you physically hurt yourself masturbating, like are rubbing your penis so much that the skin becomes irritated or chafed, then you need to take a break. If you’re masturbating so much that it’s interfering with your ability to do your job or keep relationships, that’s an issue. And if you are preoccupied with the thought or act of masturbation, then that could be the sign of a compulsion.