THE ALIEN FIGHTER NEXT DOOR

I didn’t know it at the time, but one random day in late October would prove to be super-important in my war against the Lerkians.

It ended like most school days: a long walk through the blasting, soul-withering heat (or, as my dad would say: “all of this nice weather”). I made my way to the apartment complex and waved to my only friend—CyberGirl03. She waved back, then held up her smartphone.

Which was her way of saying, “SlapTalk me, okay?”

By the way, there’s an important SlapTalk feature I haven’t mentioned yet:

Anyway, for those of you who don’t keep up with your social media (like my dad, whose idea of “social media” is two soup cans tied together with string), SlapTalk erases your messages sixty seconds after they’ve been read. Which is super-useful if you happen to be, say, an undercover alien fighter who doesn’t want his transmissions falling into the wrong hands. Or claws. Or wire fingers. Or whatever the heck the Lerkians have at the ends of their arms.

The dude who came up with this app is either brilliant or a former spy or both.

He (or she) is, like, my hero. If I could invent something as awesome as SlapTalk, it would make life in Rancho El Verdoo-doo much more tolerable.

Anyway, I opened the SlapTalk app. There was already a message from CyberGirl03 waiting for me.

CyberGirl03: What took you so long? Boy, you move slow.

BoringBart: LOL. What did I miss at the apartment today?

CyberGirl03: Oh, it was terribly thrilling. I counted 17 delivery trucks. And the guy with the leaf blower spent a LOT of time in our courtyard.

BoringBart: LOL.

Yeah, I “laughed out loud.” But part of me felt bad for CyberGirl03. Since she does cyberschool at home in her apartment, she doesn’t seem to get out very much. She must be bored a lot. I mean, my school days are awful, too—but at least I have bullies to keep things lively.

CyberGirl03: How was your day?

BoringBart: Oh, the usual. Giselle the Golem knocked me over a half dozen times. Nick the Mimic came up with new and interesting threats against my life. On the plus side, I only lost half of my lunch to Tigran the Tyrant.

CyberGirl03: Huh. I didn’t know you could have “the Golem” as a last name.

BoringBart: Well, those are sort of my personal nicknames for them.

CyberGirl03: You should fight back. Let them know you can’t be pushed around.

BoringBart: But that’s the thing. I can literally be pushed around. Especially by Giselle.

CyberGirl03: Well, if I were there, I’d have your back.

The thought of that made me happy and sad at the same time. Happy because it was nice to know I’d have a defender—it’d be nice to have another member of Team Bart. (Pickleback doesn’t quite count.)

But sad because CyberGirl03 clearly wanted to be in school. (No idea why she’d want such a thing, but I digress.) I didn’t know if she did cyberschool by choice, or if her parents insisted. And I felt weird about bringing it up. So I didn’t.

BoringBart: Pretty sure you could take Giselle in hand-to-hand combat.

CyberGirl03: I don’t know about that. So what are your big plans tonight, Boring Guy?

I wondered: Could I trust CyberGirl03 enough to tip her off to the Lerkian threat? Would she make fun of me, or recommend that I have a good long chat with someone in a white lab coat?

It would be nice to have another ally in this desperate struggle against the alien hordes.…

BoringBart: I actually have a pretty exciting night planned.

CyberGirl03: Let me guess. You have papers to write for both history AND literature!

BoringBart: HAH. But no. I’m talking about something actually cool.

CyberGirl03: Well then consider me actually intrigued.

BoringBart: Promise you won’t share this with anybody else.

CyberGirl03: How can I promise before I know what it is? Maybe it’s a cure for some horrible disease. How could I not share something like that?

BoringBart: No, seriously.

CyberGirl03: Okay, okay. I seriously promise.

Not that I didn’t trust CyberGirl03, but this was kind of a big deal, letting her into my secret (weird) world.

But now that I’d brought it up, I couldn’t back out. I copied the URL to the site where she could download the Lerkian-hunting app, then SlapTalked it to her.

She had sixty seconds to click on it and download the app; otherwise it would disappear forever.

So I hit Send, then waited.

And waited.

And even though it was only thirty seconds, it felt like thirty months had gone by before I saw this reply.…

CyberGirl03: Oh, wow! This is an augme nted reality game? This is SO COOL! Thank you for sharing with me, Boring Guy!

BoringBart: Sure. :)

CyberGirl03: Where did you find this?

Well, that was the interesting part.…