Twenty-Three

The next day didn’t dawn as miraculously as Claire had feebly wished it would the night before. She woke up feeling slightly more refreshed, even if the first time her eyes opened it was 4 o’clock in the morning, pitch black outside, and so cold she would have gotten up to adjust the thermostat if she weren’t painfully aware of the scolding she would get, even as an adult, for doing that. Instead, she had burrowed deeper into the blankets, forcing her eyes shut and willing herself back to sleep, despite the fact that her brain, still on German time, was already racing with reminders of the previous day.

She may not have slept any more after that initial wake-up, but Claire stayed in bed, blankets pulled up to her chin and eyes squeezed tightly shut, going through a mantra in her head that sounded something like, “Alison…the nerve…Bianca…my job…Jack…”

When she heard the heat come on in the vent in her bedroom, she couldn’t take it any longer. She jumped out of bed, pulling on a sweatshirt and shoving her feet into a pair of slippers her mom had left there for her the previous day. Claire stumbled down the stairs, finding her way into the kitchen by the light of the Christmas tree, which had been aglow all night.

The sight of the strands of lights reflecting off the baubles hanging on the branches, combined with the glow of white coming in through the window, the streetlights illuminating the snow, pulled her out of her misery meditation, even if just briefly. Everything wasn’t terrible, she could admit to herself, even if most things were. No, even that was an exaggeration. She had a family that loved her, for the most part. Alison might be an exception, but the odds were still in her favor. Three out of four immediate family members agree that Claire Davis is a tolerable companion for the holidays. And it was even better when she added Trish and the kids into the mix as well.

Claire was still staring at the lights when a sound from the kitchen island caught her attention. As her gaze swung in that direction, she started at the sight of Alison there, a glass of water in her hand and an uncomfortable look on her face, as if she had been summoned by Claire’s thoughts and sincerely wished she were anywhere else.

Alison had the decency to look uncomfortable, Claire noticed with a small amount of satisfaction. “I…just getting some water,” she said in a small voice, looking as if she wished she could teleport back to her room upstairs.

Claire raised her hands. “Hey, no need to explain yourself to me. If you’re thirsty, you’re thirsty.”

A pained expression crossed Alison’s face, much to Claire’s annoyance. “I…can we talk later, Claire?”

“It’s Christmas, Alison. Can’t we just enjoy some festivities without getting into the drama?” She huffed out a mirthless laugh. “Or, I don’t know, at least let the sun come up before we start opening the old wound?”

“I’m sorry.” Alison’s voice was small. “You’re right. It’s too early, and it’s not the time. But I do want to talk to you sometime, if you’ll let me.”

“I’ll think about it.” Claire was almost too shocked by two such rare statements from Alison—“I’m sorry” and “you’re right” weren’t exactly frequently used in her vernacular—to remember to keep up her gruff exterior. She shuffled towards the coffee machine while she heard Alison’s feet padding away on the carpet.

“Do you think the two of you might be able to keep things civil today?” Laura’s voice rang out in the silence, though she had spoken quietly. Claire hadn’t heard her enter from her own bedroom with Pepper at her heels, but she winced at the question.

“I’m sorry, Mom.” She chewed on her lower lip as she turned to face her mom. “I don’t know why I’m so on edge with Alison. Like…I don’t want to bite her head off before I’ve even had a cup of coffee, but…” She threw her hands in the air in exasperation. “I just feel so frustrated every time she opens her mouth.”

Laura was walking towards Claire, nodding. She opened the cupboard and removed a bag of coffee, beginning to measure scoops into the coffee maker. “It’s not a mystery to me,” she said. “There’s always been this dynamic between the two of you, and I’ve just been watching it play out. Sure, things were different when you were little girls. At least then the two of you could play together nicely sometimes. But there were always these moments where it was like the two of you were competing about…well, about anything. Everything. Grades at school. How high you could jump. Artistic ability. You name it.”

Claire frowned. “I don’t remember that. I thought things changed when she moved away for college.”

Laura shook her head. “Isn’t that the way it goes, though? Of course you don’t remember every interaction you had as kids…you were children. The highlights rise to the top and everything else fades into the middle distance.” She gave Claire a small smile. “But I was an adult then, and I saw it all. And it was so obviously something, some dynamic that the two of you were going to have to figure out, that I couldn’t just swoop in and tell you both to cut it out. It was more than a little challenging, I don’t mind telling you.”

“I’m sorry,” Claire said automatically, but her mom was already shaking her head.

“Don’t be. I’m not looking for sympathy. Just telling you what I saw. I can’t explain it either, why things were like that with the two of you. It wasn’t as if your dad and I were comparing you to each other. She was three years older than you, so of course she was better than you at most things.”

Claire nodded, unsure of what to say next. In her silence, her mom continued to speak.

“She’s changed, though. These last few years. Maybe she hasn’t let you see it, but I’ve seen it. Maybe it’s about the kids…parenting has a way of humbling people.” She let out a small laugh. “I think she’s finally accepting the areas where you’ve outstripped her, where she has nothing to offer but pride in her little sister’s accomplishments.”

A laugh barked out of Claire’s lips before she could stop it. “You’re kidding, right? Alison has never been proud of me.”

“But she has.” Laura gave a small, sad shake of her head. “We all have, Claire. Of course we have. Do you know what a courageous thing it is to put your art out into the world the way you have been? To try something that so many of us say we’d like to do but so few of us ever actually attempt? I think writing a book is on the bucket list of just about anyone who’s inclined to make a bucket list. And you haven’t just done it once, either.”

Claire’s eyebrows had climbed up her forehead. “I…I’m not sure what to say. I’m genuinely surprised to hear that anyone in this family…okay, fine, I know you’re always going to be proud of me. But the rest of them? I don’t have the corner office, the house, the flashy car, the family with 2.5 kids—”

“Do you think that’s all any of us want for you?” Laura interrupted with a frown. “All a parent wants for their child is for them to be happy and healthy. And happiness looks different for you and Alison and Jeremy.” She let out a small chuckle. “Look at your brother. Do you think he’ll ever get his own place, stop living with four roommates? If all Alison cared about was financial stability and keeping up with the Joneses, wouldn’t she be on his case, too?”

“No.” Claire shook her head. “You said it yourself. It was always me. The competition was always about the two of us, the two girls. Jeremy got to just be the cute little baby of the family who could do no wrong, and I’m the one who gets the passive aggressive comments and unsolicited life advice.”

As she said it, she knew it wasn’t entirely fair. Alison hadn’t been a large enough part of her life for the last ten years to give her any advice. But Claire had seen the looks sent her way, the furtive glances and frowns, and she had interpreted them in the only way that made sense to her.

Laura’s exasperated sigh, so heavy with exhaustion, kicked up uncomfortable guilty feelings that had Claire itching to bolt for the door, to disappear until at least Easter. “I don’t know what to tell you, Claire,” Laura said finally as she poured coffee into mugs for them. “This is something you and Alison should talk about at some point, and I hope you’ll be open to that. I know it’s pretty much asking for a Christmas miracle, but…” She shrugged. “Well, if there was ever a time to ask for a Christmas miracle, wouldn’t it be today?”

Claire winced at her mom’s tone, her lack of faith in that wish of hers coming true. “You’re right, Mom. And merry Christmas. I know we didn’t start the day off in the most festive way, so…can we start over?”

Her mom nodded, and Claire followed her to the couch, where the two of them sat facing the tree, Laura tucking a blanket over their legs. “How are you feeling this morning?” Laura asked, and Claire had never been more grateful for a subject change. “Jet lag kicking your butt?”

“Oh, totally,” she answered, taking a sip of coffee. “I’ll definitely be napping today, but I’ll try to save it for a time when I won’t miss anything.”

“Late afternoon?” Laura’s voice raised with the suggestion. “We’ll eat early and then there will probably be some football on or something—those poor players, having to work on a holiday. But you won’t miss anything.”

Claire smiled at her mom’s comment, remembering her conversations with Jack about people having to work on Christmas. “I bet the players still get to celebrate with their families. Wouldn’t you work around a family member’s schedule if they had to work, especially if they were getting paid as well as a professional athlete?”

Laura pursed her lips in thought before giving a slow nod. “You’re right. It doesn’t really matter what day it is, as long as everyone is together.” She reached over and patted Claire’s knee. “I’m glad you’re here, sweet girl. Glad you made it back and didn’t get stuck in Munich for yet another day. It was like that city was never going to let you go.”

She turned to look at her mom. “You know that was my decision, though, right?” The warmth of the room and perhaps the darkness that was obscuring her features somewhat gave her the courage to continue speaking. “I just wanted to spend more time with Jack. At least the second day, that’s what happened. The first day, well…” She could open up to her mom about Jack, if Laura were interested. But sharing her concerns about Velvet Leaf Publishing and her financial future hardly seemed like the ideal topic to broach on Christmas Day before the sun had even woken up for the day.

Happily, Laura knew just what to say. “Tell me about this Jack character. Are we going to meet him?”

Claire recoiled slightly but caught herself. “Well, first of all, hopefully I’m going to meet him again tomorrow. If things go well, I’m sure he’d want to meet you all at some point.” She peeked at her mom out of the corner of her eye. “I’ve only known him for a couple days, after all. That’s hardly the appropriate time to meet the parents, is it?”

Laura took her time to sip her coffee, and Claire thought she saw a smile hiding behind the mug. Finally, her mom held up her thumb and forefinger, separated by the barest of spaces. “Maybe,” she admitted. “Just a little soon, I guess. You dodged my first question, though. Tell me more about him.” She nudged Claire’s knee with her own. “It’s not like you to hold out on me.”

Claire’s fingernails clinked on the edge of her mug like an influencer showing off products in their skincare routine. “I’m not sure what to tell you,” she said after a beat. “He’s a computer engineer, and he has a sister—”

Laura held up a hand. “You know I’m not asking you what he does for a living and what his savings account looks like. Why did you like him in the first place? I was already surprised that you took the deal that first day and stayed gone for an extra day. I would have expected you to spend that day just vegging out in your room and ordering room service when you got hungry. Weren’t you peopled out by the end of your tour?”

Claire nodded. Her mom knew her well, that much was undeniable. While she had been gone, she had kept the family updated on her tour through the group chat—or at least through a group chat with her parents, trusting that they would share any relevant information with her siblings. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to include Jeremy in the messages; it was just that doing so would make it that much more obvious who—which one remaining family member—wasn’t being included. Claire wasn’t trying to be mean by excluding her sister, so it was easier just to keep both of her siblings on the outskirts of her life updates.

“It was exhausting,” she said in response to her mom’s question. “And no matter what spontaneous impulse it was that had me agree to take the next flight, it was unlikely that I would do anything other than exactly what you just suggested.” She paused as she shrugged. “But…then I met Jack. I had noticed him at the airport, but had gotten totally the wrong impression of him. In the shuttle on the way to the hotel, we started talking for some reason and then we just…never stopped.” She pushed out her lips. “Well. I mean. Obviously, we have stopped by now. But while we were in Munich, we were pretty much inseparable.”

Laura raised her eyebrows but didn’t say anything.

“At first, I tried not to read into anything too much,” Claire continued, laughing at herself. “But you can imagine about how well that went, I’m sure. Jack, though, he was great. He was the one to say that there was something…there. Something between us that was maybe worth exploring. What?”

Laura was cringing, worrying her lower lip. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be the one who casts doubt on the magic of your new man, but how does that not sound like a line to you? I know you write romance novels, honey, and that might make you think that all men are secretly capable of being the heroes in one of your books, but…well, in real life, sometimes they say whatever it takes to get you into bed and then they disappear.”

Claire was aghast, jaw dropped as she shook her head at her mom’s words. “I don’t believe you, Mom. You would really just…what? Assume the worst of a man you don’t know, sure. But of me?” She made to stand up, but stopped and faced her mom. “I was trying to spare you the nitty-gritty details, but nothing happened with Jack and me. And not for lack of opportunity, either. We shared a hotel room the second night, for Pete’s sake. But you’re right, I’m sure he’s just a scum bag who was trying to seduce me and then disappear.”

“That’s not what I was saying.” Laura placed a hand on Claire’s forearm, keeping her in place on the couch when all Claire wanted to do was sprint back to her bedroom and slam the door shut like a dramatic teenager. “I…well, I’m happy to know that you were being safe with your heart and your body and all of that, of course. But I’m not just talking about sex, honey. Oh, don’t cringe. You can handle hearing me say the word. I’m just advising a little caution, okay? Have you and Jack chatted since you’ve been back?”

“We’ve made plans to meet up, but those are just text messages.” Claire spoke through gritted teeth. “And yeah, I’m worried that he’s not going to show up. That I invented the whole thing in my head. That he will show up, but nothing will be the same. But just…for today, at least, I want to hold on to the dream a little longer. Can you withhold any questions that put that dream in danger, just for today?”

Laura pulled Claire closer and put her arm around her. “Of course, honey.” The air was heavy between them with the unspoken weight of all that had already happened that morning, and there still wasn’t even a hint of sunlight breaking over the horizon yet.