In the tavern. Scribe and Butcher.
Butcher
You drunk? Scribe?
Scribe
What.
Butcher
You drunk?
Scribe
Yeah.
Butcher
You been drunk all week.
Scribe
Yeah.
Butcher
You got someone writing in yr stead?
Scribe
Nope.
Butcher
Scribe
Scribe
You know when I first learned to write?
When you were 3 years old.
Scribe
Howd you know that?
Butcher
Ive known you all yr life.
Scribe
We grew up together, you and me. Next door neighbors. In the hills.
Butcher
Lets get you home.
Scribe
Dad wanted me to make something of myself. So he stood over me with a stick. I still got the welts, well, the scars of the welts.
(Rest)
Perfectly formed letters at 3 years old. The most beautiful alphabet you ever seen. You seen it, Butcher, right? You seen it, right? I got it hanging —
Butcher
On the wall in yr shop. Lets go. You can show it to me.
Scribe
Naw.
Butcher
Theres lots of people wanting writing done and yr shops closed. Thats bad business.
Scribe
Butcher. It took me a whole week to get this drunk. Dont ruin it. Toast.
Scribe toasts and drinks all by himself.
3 Hunters come in.
I shoulda gotten his balls! I shoulda gotten his balls! Im telling you I shoulda gotten his balls!
Second Hunter
You werent the first to eye him.
First Hunter
I didnt eye him first but I was the first to say: “There he is!”
Third Hunter
“There he is,” so what!? Harry was pointing right at him.
We all knew where he was.
First Hunter
But my saying it out loud alerted the dogs.
Second Hunter
You have a point.
Third Hunter
Harrys pointing alerted the dogs. When he pointed they all jerked their heads up in the air.
Second Hunter
But they didnt charge till Hank said: “There he is.”
First Hunter
Which means I shoulda got the bastard convicts balls.
Third Hunter
You got the bastards feet. Thats second place. Feet arent so bad.
First Hunter
I guess.
(Rest)
They should let us keep the heads.
Second Hunter
Then howd we prove we’d caught anything?
You got a point.
(Rest)
Hey, Butcher!
Butcher
Hey, Hank. Hal. Harv.
First Hunter
Scribe?
Butcher
Loaded.
Third Hunter
All I got was a finger. Off the left hand. My wife thinks Im a loser.
Second Hunter
What can you do.
First Hunter
He screamed good, though didnt he?
Third Hunter
I can still hear it in my head. When Homer put the coals in his chest—
Second Hunter
“Why you doing this to me why you doing this to me?!” he was screaming. Like he didnt know us Hunters was gonna be on his trail when he escaped.
First Hunter
He was a nobody. Wish he’d been a famous convict.
The prizes woulda been worth more and the pay woulda been better.
Second Hunter
One of my dogs broke its leg or something.
I’ll take a look at it later.
Second Hunter
I’d appreciate it.
They sing the “The Hunters Creed”:
Hunters
We hunt
But we do
Not
Eat what we catch.
Thatd be a little much
Dontcha think?
First Hunter
Drinks on me.
He goes and gets a bottle.
Second Hunter
Hows business?
Butcher
Like yours. Lots of work and nothing to show. The Knife Catalog came this morning.
Third Hunter
Bring it over.
First Hunter
Word is they had a convict escape up north two nights ago. Someone wholl bring a good price too. “Monster” they call him. “Monster!” Hes pure evil. Done everything bad there is to do. Heres the paper, give it a read.
Third Hunter
Murder, necrophilia, sodomy, bestiality, pedophilia, armed robbery, petty theft, embezzlement, diddling in public, cannibalism—
Whew.
First Hunter
Makes you sick, dont it?
Second Hunter
Yeah.
First Hunter
“Monster!”
Third Hunter
Just our luck though. He got out up north, we wont have a chance at spotting him down here.
Butcher
Look at that blade Hank.
First Hunter
Thats some blade.
Second Hunter
Maybe the convictll come down here. All them boats we got going to Europe. Maybe the convict wants to go to Europe.
Third Hunter
He wont be wanting to go to Europe. He’ll be wanting to hide in the hills. In the northern hills.
First Hunter
“Monster!” Ha!
Second Hunter
Shit thats some blade Butcher.
Butcher
Show that to a pig and its skinll go Red Sea just at the sight of it.
Second Hunter
Wow.
Flip to the back, lets see whats on sale.
First Hunter
I bet “Monster” comes down here.
Second Hunter
How much you betting?
First Hunter
How much you got?
Second Hunter digs through his pockets counting his money. Hester comes in. She stands off to the side, a good distance from them, looking through the crowd for the Scribe.
Second Hunter
I got 12 coins. 12 coins says he aint coming.
Hunters
Hester
Hunters
Hester
I come in for the Scribe. He aint been at his stand all week. Scribe?
Third Hunter
Wait for him outside. Yr stinking up the place.
Hester
Ive been waiting. Hey, Scribe, I got an important letter you gotta write.
Second Hunter
Tough luck, Stinky.
First Hunter
Cover up yr A or something.
I cant its against the law.
Third Hunter
Pweeeeeeewwww!
Butcher
Harv, leave her be.
First Hunter
Shes a babykiller. Thats what she is.
Hester
Yr daughters been a customer of mine. More than once.
First Hunter
Shut yr trap!
Hester
Le doe-dunk eyesee Frahla ehle dunk sehh Frahla ah ma, Mister Hunter.
Second Hunter
Thats private family business. I’ll smash yr face for blabbing that!
Butcher
Hal! Hey! You got better things to do than hit a woman.
Second Hunter
Butcher
First Hunter
Didnt know you spoke TALK.
Second Hunter
Just enough to get by.
First Hunter
My wife wants me to learn it but I say no way. Keep that stuff private. Like it should be. Thats what I say.
Butcher
Third Hunter
10 coins says the convictll come our way. Another 3 says I’ll sight him first.
First Hunter
Drinks on me!
Butcher
Come on, Scribe. You got work to do.
(Rest)
He’ll get up in a minute.
Hester
I’ll wait outside.
Hester goes outside. Butcher helps Scribe to his feet. The Hunters sing their song again:
Hunters
We hunt
But we do
Not
Eat what we catch.
Thatd be a little much
Dontcha think?