It was three o’clock in the morning when everyone finally went home. Susie and I sat on stools at the kitchen worktop. I did some more staring at the fire.
‘Thanks,’ I said after a while. I leaned over and gave her arm an I-love-you squeeze. ‘I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re a trouper.’
‘They’re my family too.’ She sighed. ‘I’d do anything for them, you know.’ She slid me a cautious look. ‘Are they serious about you finding him?’
Being the eldest, it nearly always fell on me to be the responsible one and look out for the others, and today it was no different. When my family left that night, they kissed and hugged me and told me they were so glad I was going to find Rob, and to let them know what I wanted them to do and they’d do it. I’d been elected Vice Admiral of the Family Fleet a while ago (Dad was still the admiral though) and right now I felt a bit like my sister, happy to find my baby brother so I could kill him for putting us through this.
‘Yes.’
‘How are you going to go about it?’ She was frowning.
‘I don’t know.’ I suddenly felt exhausted. ‘I’ll think about it tomorrow.’
Susie spooned me in bed that night, pressing her lithe form against my spine and kissing the skin between my shoulder blades. I fell asleep to the sound of her soft breathing.
As usual, Susie left for work the next morning to catch the 0618 train to Victoria. I felt the bed dip as she came to kiss me goodbye.
‘Hmmm.’ I hooked an arm around her and pulled her close. I was about to slip my hand beneath her jacket to the silk shirt below to stroke the small of her back with my fingertips when I suddenly remembered.
Rob. My brother was alive.
Abruptly I opened my eyes.
The room was dark. A slim strip of orange outlined the curtains from the streetlight outside.
‘Hope Clara’s all right,’ Susie murmured. ‘Let me know what she says.’
During the mayhem the previous night, Susie had gleaned from Clara that the day before Rob vanished – a Saturday – he’d had three men visit him at home. It was the first I’d heard of it, but then we hadn’t been analysing anything at the time because we thought we knew where he was – sailing his woefully small skiff into the English Channel. He’d been seen going out by the Quay Master, along with a couple in a motorboat who were returning into Chichester Harbour. They’d apparently passed him going out as they were motoring past Eastoke Point.
Susie pressed a kiss against my lips. ‘Love you.’
‘Hmm. Me too. Look…’ I pushed up onto an elbow. ‘You don’t have to come back tonight. It’s a horrible commute.’
‘I’ll be on the nineteen thirty-two,’ she said firmly.
Which got into Bosham at eleven minutes past nine. I’d make sure I’d have something hot for her to eat when she got in. It wouldn’t have to be anything special. Susie wasn’t a great foodie and saw food more as fuel than something to be savoured, so a big bowl of pasta or chilli con carne would be fine.
I lay in bed and listened to her leave. I didn’t think I’d fall asleep again but the next thing I knew it was light and next door’s dog was barking to be let in for its breakfast. Which meant it was just before eight o’clock. The precise time I woke up every day. Nice to know my body clock wasn’t affected by my brother’s sudden reappearance.
As I climbed out of bed, I wondered who else might have recognised him. His old school friends maybe? The Ashdown family might not have been the only ones who’d got a shock watching the TV the previous night.
Before I showered, I texted Clara and told her I’d come over to her place later. Then I checked the BBC news website. Rob was fourth under the Most Popular column: Unknown hero tackles armed killer.
An unknown man brought down an armed killer who opened fire in a popular Italian restaurant yesterday in central London, killing four people and injuring another eight. Dramatic video footage shows the fearless bystander leap onto the murderer as he strafed the restaurant.
My chest hollowed as I studied the photographs. There were quite a few thanks to people’s mobile phones snapping him as he sat atop the gunman. My mind buzzed with what felt like a million trapped bees, but one thought sat quietly in the centre:
It was my brother.
No doubt about it.
He wore black jeans and a leather jacket over a T-shirt. A pair of suede Chelsea boots. He looked casual but stylish. I’d always envied his effortless flair with clothes. We could wear the same outfit – shorts, sailing fleece and deck shoes – but where he’d look cool, I merely looked workmanlike. Same went for everything really. Rob had the golden touch, the effortless charm, the joie de vivre that most people found irresistible. I was the stodgy elder brother, the sensible one, and yes, okay, people liked me – just not as much as Rob.
As I pictured him the last time I saw him, standing at The Anchor Bleu bar, his hair tousled and salt-whipped, his cheeks as round and red as a pair of billiard balls, his head thrown back as he laughed his infectious laugh, I felt a pain tear through me like a chainsaw.
I bent double and wrapped my arms around my middle.
I heard a weird groaning sound, like a horse in agony, and with a shock, I realised it was me.
I couldn’t get Rob’s image out of my head. He’d been drinking with Etienne, a sailing buddy of his. The pub’s landlord had just posed a question from his crossword – a double entendre – and they were ribbing one another. When Rob had seen me, he’d beckoned me over, hooked an arm around my shoulders and bought me a pint. My brother, who I liked enormously, loved deeply and trusted absolutely, had betrayed me.
Something inside me, an innate instinct, knew that nothing would be the same again.
Where had he been?
The pain inside me twisted. Feelings rioted through me. I’d trusted Rob. Why hadn’t he told me the truth? If he’d been in danger, why hadn’t he come to me?
I remembered him being bullied at primary school, two boys taking his pocket money as well as his sweets, and although he’d begged me not to do anything – he was convinced my intervention would make things worse – I’d lain in wait for the two toerags and jumped them when they weren’t expecting it. I’d grabbed one and punched him straight on the nose. I can still see his face, filled with a combination of surprise and horror. The other boy legged it, but neither of them bothered Rob again.
I tried to think why he’d lied. Allowed us to think he was dead. I thought about the coastguard’s search for him. The police and their kindness in alerting us each time a fresh piece of debris from Kingfisher was found ashore. I considered the pain we’d gone through.
Gradually, anger seeped past the other emotions and took root. It rose from my belly and into my heart, snaking through me as hot as fire. It burned all my other emotions clean.
I wanted answers, and I wanted them from him.