10 million industry and if I ran my company anything like this we’d go bankrupt!” In such situations, Katie’s mother shared her husband’s perception that they had been unfairly treated.
“No, wife,” said the man. “I won’t do it. How can I bring myself to leave my children alone in the woods?”
—Hansel and Gretel
In September 1999, a mother and father in Little Rock, Arkansas, left their two children alone in the wilderness to die. When the bones of their 18-month-old son were discovered, the father told police that the couple had abandoned the children near a pond, where police searched for the body of their other child, a 2½-year-old. Prosecutor Fletcher Long Jr. explained the parents’ motive: “They wanted rid of two children” (Kissel 1999, p. A14).
Make-believe mothers and fairy-tale fathers are unbelievably real. Child abuse researcher John Money (1992) observes: “Collusional participation of one parent with the other in the abuse and neglect of a child represents a manifestation of shared irrationality known by its French psychiatric name, folie à deux. One person of the pair has a fixated irrational belief or a delusion which is assimilated by the partner” (p. 141).
Parents who were dehumanized as children often lack empathy for their own children. They reinforce each other’s pathological behavior, displacing their repressed self-hatred onto their children. Obviously, most borderline mothers and their husbands do not murder their children. The degree to which they sacrifice their children depends on the unconscious conflicts of both parents.
Fathers, as well as mothers, reenact the unconscious dynamics rooted in their repressed childhood experiences. The father’s role in the drama between the borderline mother and her child is crucial in determining the outcome for the child.
Joan Lachkar (1992), author of The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple, explains that borderlines frequently marry men with narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic men need to be perceived as special and therefore seek admiration from others. These men can be exploitative and self-absorbed, charming and charismatic, controlling yet indulgent. When they do not feel appreciated or desired they tend to withdraw. They cannot allow themselves to need others, and those who know them consequently feel devalued. Conflict then arises between borderline wives, who are easily demeaned, and narcissistic husbands, who frequently demean others.
However, it is neither fair nor accurate to assume that all borderline women marry narcissistic men. Although Mary Todd Lincoln referred to her husband as Shakespeare’s King Richard II (in Baker 1987), Abraham Lincoln did not exhibit a narcissistic personality. Baker (1987) surmised, however, that Mary Todd’s ambition to live in the White House attracted her to Lincoln “because he was a man of potential majesty” (p. 93). Obviously, not all men who marry borderlines are narcissists.
Generalizations must be understood for what they are: nonspecific, nonindividualized patterns by which to compare experience. In practice, the common denominator among the various types of men who marry borderlines is their tendency to reinforce the pathological dynamics between the mother and child. In his work with borderline mothers and their children, Masterson (1980) observes that “[these] fathers are, for the most part, passive men who are dominated by, but maintain great distance from, their wives. They relinquish their paternal prerogatives in exchange for complete freedom to immerse themselves in their work” (p. 47). Masterson believes that many borderline mothers marry men who will take care of them rather than men who will function as equal partners.
Understanding the father’s relationship with the borderline mother is essential in understanding the child’s experience. The borderline Waif tends to marry a Frog-Prince, someone she can rescue and who she hopes will rescue her. On her wedding day the tentative Waif may think, “Well, maybe he’ll change.” The Waif identifies with the Frog’s helplessness and fantasizes about providing for him what she needs herself. Unfortunately, her dream rarely comes true because the Frog may enjoy being a Frog.
The Hermit seeks a Huntsman, a partner who will pity and protect her. The borderline Hermit envies the Huntsman’s courage and desperately needs his soothing presence. The borderline Queen seeks a King, someone who attracts attention through his prominence, wealth, or power. The Queen, therefore, is more likely than the Waif, Hermit, or Witch to marry a narcissist—a King. The Witch seeks a Fisherman, someone she can dominate and control. She chooses a subservient partner who admires her courage and who relinquishes his will at her command.
The Frog-Prince, the Huntsman, the King, and the Fisherman represent generalizations that are useful only for identifying tendencies, not for understanding individuals. No two individuals share the same experience; thus, infinite possibilities exist regarding how their needs are met and expressed.
“But when he fell to the floor, he wasn’t a frog any longer; he was a king’s son with beautiful smiling eyes . . .”
—The Frog King
“My father was a disappointment in so many ways. His personality was bland, like milk toast. I have no idea what my mother saw in him. I remember asking her once why she stayed married to him. She said, ‘He isn’t what he seems . . . you don’t know him like I know him . . .’ She kept waiting for him to turn into something. That was before she found out about his gambling and the affair. When he left my mother for another woman, he left her in debt.”
Danielle was the oldest of three children. She was the all-good child, a role that she both resented and cherished. Danielle was emotionally more mature than either of her parents and never had time to be a child. Her mother was 18 when Danielle was born and seemed more like a sister than a mother.
The Waif searches for a Frog-Prince, an underdog with whom she identifies and who she hopes will change into Prince Charming. She fantasizes about the Prince rescuing her from misery, but the Frog inevitably disappoints her. Because Frog-Prince fathers are unable to provide reliable emotional support, their children may be emotionally neglected.
A broad range of Frog-Prince fathers exists. They can range from being withdrawn and depressed to being violent and abusive. Underdogs or Frogs are defined primarily by characteristics that evoke sympathy from others, ranging from physical unattractiveness to unpopularity. The Waif feels sorry for the Frog and is drawn to his vulnerability. Because she hopes to provide him with what she herself needs, she may end up feeling used. When the Prince does not emerge, the Waif faces disappointment but can hold onto good feelings about herself. She accuses her partner of taking advantage of her, failing to appreciate everything she has done for him. Danielle’s father was neither abusive nor violent. He was simply emotionally disengaged from the family. Danielle described him as a fixture, an object without sentience. Other Frog-Prince fathers may be alcoholics, drug abusers, wife batterers, or child abusers. Nevertheless, when Danielle’s parents divorced, her mother became, once again, the victim.
At her father’s bidding, he became her dear companion and husband. He told her that a wicked witch had put a spell on him and that no one but she alone could have freed him from the spring, and that they would go to his kingdom together the next day.
—The Frog King
The German folktale, The Frog King, begins, “In olden times, when wishing still helped, there lived a king . . .” The Frog-Prince and the Waif live a shared fantasy life, where wishing still helps. The Frog-Prince is drawn to the Waif by their shared wish to be rescued. In the real world, people know that “one partner cannot be the ultimate provider for the other, the rescuer, the reliever of persecutory anxiety, or the one to make up for all losses and deprivation” (Lachkar 1992, p. 170). In real life individuals must do more than wish: they must act.
Danielle’s father created his own secret fantasy world by gambling. In this world he felt powerful, even invincible. Dreams of the big win kept him from facing reality, where unpaid bills and phone calls from collectors threatened his self-esteem. A bitter wife and ungrateful children exacerbated his depression and drove him further into fantasyland. Reality struck the day Danielle’s mother discovered the truth about his gambling. Danielle’s father left her mother shortly thereafter and found another woman who paid off his debt. The Frog never changed at all.
The Waif never marries the Frog-Prince for love. She confuses love with pity and, of course, cannot distinguish between his needs and hers. She identifies with his helplessness and overlooks negative aspects of his behavior. But the Frog-Prince’s low self-esteem eventually takes a toll on his children. Young children need to be able to look up to their parents; unfortunately, children have little respect for Frogs. The Frog-Prince father may be so uninvolved in the family’s emotional life that he may be barely noticed or missed if he leaves.
The Frog-Prince may feel as though he is under the spell of a witch who is trying to change him into something else. Many Frog-Princes were emotionally or physically abused as children. Low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, chronic depression, and addictive behavior are common among Frog-Princes. His tendency to numb painful feelings with drugs or alcohol can be a major obstacle to intimacy with his wife and children.
Danielle avoided depending on her father for anything. He was so unreliable in picking her up from school that she preferred walking home rather than waiting for him. She never had friends to her house because she was embarrassed by his drunken stupors. When her parents finally divorced, Danielle was relieved.
The Frog-Prince father often does not remember his early childhood. Painful circumstances are repressed, and the early use of drugs or alcohol covers feelings that could trigger memories. The only time Danielle recalled her father mentioning his childhood was a brief comment at the dinner table. When her brother announced that he didn’t like the meal, her father muttered blandly, “I said that once, and my father almost killed me.”
The Frog-Prince may share the Waifs belief that life is too hard. Such shared feelings of helplessness and victimization indicate a poor prognosis for the marriage, resulting in tragic outcomes for the family. One daughter of a Waif mother announced in group therapy that she was so tired of hearing her mother threaten to commit suicide that she wished her mother would just kill herself. Her Waif mother was married to a Frog-Prince who had committed suicide a year earlier. The parents had made a suicide pact before his death, but the Waif mother was ambivalent about following through on her promise. Their adolescent daughter felt that she would be better off with a dead mother than with a chronically suicidal one.
If the Frog-Prince suffers from BPD, he may be prone to abusing his wife or children or to acting on suicidal impulses. The broad range of symptom clusters among individuals with BPD makes it difficult to specify all the possible combinations of borderline women who marry borderline men. Their lives are full of turmoil, and the extent to which their children may be endangered depends upon the level of functioning of both parents.
Unfortunately, males with BPD tend to be unfaithful husbands. They may defend against their fear of abandonment by seeking serial relationships with females, avoiding the possibility of being completely abandoned or alone. Poor impulse control is primarily responsible for self-destructive behavior such as infidelity, drug or alcohol abuse, compulsive gambling, overeating, homicide, and suicide.
Steve Downs, the father of the three children shot by his ex-wife, Diane Downs, may have suffered from BPD. According to one source (Rule 1988), he abused alcohol, had affairs, and preferred drinking with his buddies to taking care of his small children. Apparently, he left his oldest daughter, Christie, alone in the house when she was an infant. Even after his ex-wife shot Christie, he allowed her against court order to spend time alone with Diane.
Children are unlikely to share the Waif mother’s view of the Frog-Prince father; all they see is the Frog. The Frog-Prince, like the Waif, cannot possibly understand his children’s emotional needs because his own emotional needs were so unmet as a child. Like a language they never learned to speak, Frog-Prince fathers have no idea of how to communicate emotionally with others. Their children cannot help feeling angry, afraid, and alone.
“Oh, dear huntsman, let me live . . .” “Because of her beauty the huntsman took pity on her . . .”
—Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
“My father was a gentle, moral man. He would never have divorced my mother, it was literally against his religion. In fact, he felt sorry for her. He tuned her out when she went on her rampages. He’d take her by the arm gently and say, ‘Settle down, Jeanne.’ Then he’d go out to the garage. She’d try to pick a fight with him, but he never raised his voice. He acted like he didn’t even hear her. Unfortunately, he seemed to think that if he could take it, we should too. But it’s different for kids. There wasn’t any place for us to go.”
Emily was 28 when she entered therapy. Her mother had been hospitalized for depression several times during Emily’s childhood, and Emily was left to care for her brother and sisters while her father worked. Vivacious and determined, Emily admitted that she did not know how to depend on others. Throughout her childhood, her Hermit mother depended on her.
The Hermit’s underlying fear and anxiety draw her to a partner who can offer security and safety. The Hermit idealizes the Huntsman. Her ideal-hungry personality creates a longing for a principled partner who is steadfast and loyal. Wolf (1988) defines the ideal-hungry personality: “Ideal hungry personalities can experience themselves as worthwhile only by finding selfobjects to whom they can look up and by whom they can feel accepted” (p. 73). The Hermit is likely to marry a Huntsman, a man who protects her from danger and provides the stability she so desperately needs. The child of the Hermit and Huntsman, however, may feel betrayed by both parents, particularly if the Hermit is abusive and the Huntsman fails to intervene.
Emily’s father worked two jobs in order to support his family. Like a martyr, he never complained. When she was little, Emily worshipped her father. She emulated his work ethic, his self-sacrificing behavior, and his compassion. As she grew older, however, she grew disillusioned and wondered why he failed to protect her and her siblings from her mother’s abuse.
In the fairy tale, the Huntsman spared Snow White’s life because his conscience would not allow him to kill her: “Not having to kill her was a great weight off his mind all the same” (Manheim 1977, p. 185). The Huntsman who marries the borderline Hermit is ruled by his conscience, which prevents him from violating principles of loyalty and fidelity. He represses and disavows his own emotions; thus, he does not perceive his own happiness to be important. The Huntsman fulfills his duty to his conscience, defining his self-worth in terms of the degree to which his behavior is congruent with his principles.
The Huntsman is humble, even if professionally successful. He does not seek adulation or fame. He gives credit to others, prefers to be anonymous, and thus feels at home with the Hermit’s need to hide. At the root of his personality is guilt. The Huntsman felt guilty and undeserving as a child, and therefore is grateful for love. He fears being a burden to others because he felt like a burden as a child.
The Huntsman is drawn to the Hermit’s need for protection. His compassion for others may be derived from an early experience in which he himself was rescued by a compassionate caregiver. Emily’s father was a tenderhearted man who felt sorry for her mother. At age 6 he had been rescued from an orphanage by an aunt and uncle, and he knew well the feeling of being frightened and alone. Just as swaddling calms a fussy baby, the Huntsman wraps the Hermit in an emotional blanket that protects her from the world.
The Huntsman compensates for feelings of inadequacy by hard work, outstanding performance, dedication, and dependability. His calmness balances the volatility of the Hermit. Although the Huntsman is rigidly defended against his own vulnerability, he identifies and empathizes with the Hermit’s need for protection.
The Huntsman’s passivity is a consequence of his defense mechanism of avoidance and denial. Rather than experience anger or rage, he distances himself from his wife and children when faced with conflict. Denial serves to keep self-esteem intact as the father’s loyalty may be torn between his wife and children. Emily felt emotionally abandoned, however, whenever her father remarked, “There’s nothing wrong with your mother.”
The Huntsman protects himself from internalizing the Hermit’s anxiety through emotional detachment and sometimes physical avoidance. Emily’s father spent a great deal of time away from home, working and volunteering for various organizations. When home, he secluded himself in his workshop in a detached garage, where he worked until late at night. Emily understood his need for a place to escape her mother’s tirades.
The Huntsman’s sense of self is ruled by strict codes of behavior, such as a strong work ethic, honesty, loyalty, or religious doctrine. He feels most secure when expectations are clearly defined and when his role as husband does not conflict with his role as father. Others admire him for his outstanding performance, dedication, and integrity. The Hermit’s paranoid fears of abandonment are unlikely to be realized because the Huntsman is unlikely to desert her.
Emily’s father was an elder in his church and was highly respected. Although he was frequently nominated as president of various organizations, he never felt entitled to accept the power, recognition, or adulation that accompanied the role. The more praise he received, the harder he worked, and Emily rarely saw him relax. Because the Huntsman is highly regarded by others, his children may trust his judgment more than their own.
Huntsmen subtly encourage their children to tolerate the Hermit’s abusive behavior. Doing one’s duty, staying in one’s place, and not causing trouble are messages from the Huntsman father that can endanger his children. He fails to validate his children’s perceptions and in doing so minimizes their pain. Denial and avoidance, rigid adherence to rules of behavior, and invalidation of his children’s feelings may allow the Huntsman to maintain attachment to the borderline Hermit at the expense of his children.
The king laid his hand upon [the queen’s] arm, and timidly said “Consider, my dear: she is only a child!”
—Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
“When I was little, I used to lie awake at night and cry for my father. The only time I felt safe was when I was with him, and that wasn’t often. He was gone for weeks at a time. I can distinctly remember the first time I realized that other fathers came home every night.”
Katie’s father brought her lavish gifts when he returned from his frequent business trips. Although starved for his attention, Katie sensed her mother’s jealousy. Her mother was easily enraged by displays of affection between Katie and her father. One day Katie came home from school and discovered that her favorite doll was broken. Although her mother insisted it was an accident, Katie did not believe her. She remembered the disturbing expression on her mother’s face the day her father gave it to her.
Katie’s father thrived on recognition and flattery. The paneled study in his luxurious home was lined with glass-enclosed cases displaying his various community awards. He seemed to rule over everyone except Katie’s mother. His obsequious behavior toward his wife confused Katie, who hoped that he would protect her from her mother’s abuse.
Masterson (1980) observes that: “It is instructive to note in these cases the amount of absence the father is permitted without any complaint from the mother. Beyond the fact of his frequent absence, the specific dynamics of his relationship with the mother and child when he is present again reinforce the mother–child exclusive relationship” (p. 23).
The borderline Queen, because of her inner emptiness and insatiable need for admiration, is most likely to marry a narcissistic King. Her mirror-hungry personality leads her on a quest for a high-profile partner whom others envy and admire. The King and Queen’s child, however, may feel emotionally abandoned by both parents. The King is the prototypical narcissist.1
Lachkar (1992) proposes that “The borderline may be destructive in order to stir things up and to punish, while the narcissist may be destructive because of preoccupation with self” (p. 82). The King and Queen have a volatile relationship, and their children can lose themselves in drugs or alcohol to escape the conflict at home. If the couple divorces, battles over custody issues can continue for years. As Lachkar observes:
In court custody cases, the narcissist may withhold because of exaggerated entitlement fantasies, but the borderline may be the one to withhold custody payments, and not participate fairly in property division and child visitation, out of a desire to get back at or to teach the other a lesson. Because of the false self, the borderline (the one to promise the world) may fool others under the guise of being the perfect parent, the victim, or the hurt one. [p. 79]
Both the borderline Queen and the narcissistic King perceive themselves as innocent victims. The true victims, of course, are their children.
Fantasy plays an important role in the emotional life of the King father. Lachkar (1992) suggests that the narcissist creates a “delusional world of entitlement fantasies . . . and grandiose expectations” (p. 120). The narcissist also uses fantasy to create an idealized view of the Queen in the midst of disappointment or conflict. The borderline Queen’s all-or-nothing thinking, however, leaves her completely disillusioned, devastated, and desperate when faced with disappointment. The guilt-ridden King, therefore, tries harder and harder to gratify the demands of the Queen.
Katie was astonished not only by her mother’s unreasonable demands, but also by her father’s compliance with them. One time, her father bought a second home and then sold it simply because Katie’s mother had fallen in and out of love with it. He seemed to enjoy having the power to indulge his wife’s various whims, but Katie perceived her parents’ relationship as superficial and fake. Together, the King and Queen create a shared delusion of happiness. Although the King rules the kingdom while the Queen rules the family, their children may be lost in the shuffle.
The King has a heightened sense of self-importance and feels entitled to special treatment. He embellishes his accomplishments and may blatantly lie in order to be perceived as superior to others. He is intensely envious of those he perceives as more successful or attractive. Katie had many embarrassing memories of her father’s behavior in restaurants and airports when service did not meet his expectations. He could be ruthless, demanding, and intimidating. If service was slow, he expected a discount. He complained to managers, demanded refunds, and threatened lawsuits over the slightest inconvenience, announcing, “I run a 10 million industry and if I ran my company anything like this we’d go bankrupt!” In such situations, Katie’s mother shared her husband’s perception that they had been unfairly treated.
The King’s grandiosity is an attempt to compensate for his fear of dependency. The King strives to be perceived as the ultimate provider and may overreact by giving too much, expecting too much, and blaming others when faced with failure. When others are unappreciative, he feels small and unimportant and either withdraws or explodes with rage. Giving too much protects him from feeling rejected but also leaves the other person feeling unneeded.
Despite the King’s grandiosity, his self-esteem is fragile. Thus, he requires continuous attention and admiration in order to feel valued. He is preoccupied with how well he is doing and strives to achieve increasingly higher goals. Katie’s father was preoccupied with his appearance, his possessions, and primarily with how well his company was doing on Wall Street. Although he grumbled about the business at home, he frequently spoke to others about his company’s success.
Lachkar (1992) theorizes that the more validation the King receives, the more insecure he becomes. External validation provides only temporary relief from the lack of internal self-worth. Katie’s father looked daily, sometimes hourly, at reports from Wall Street in order to assess his own self worth. Her father’s self esteem depended primarily on his company’s performance. Drops in the stock market drove him to despair. The Queen helps the King regain his grandiosity when external forces threaten their security. For example, when her father’s business faltered, Katie’s mother reassured him with, “We’ll show them!”
The King tends to withdraw when disappointed or wounded by criticism. Unlike the Queen, who reacts to criticism by attacking, the King is as likely to withdraw as to express rage. The King may calmly declare, “I don’t deserve to be treated like this!” or “I don’t need you or this relationship!” With an air of superiority, his defiant withdrawal leaves the Queen feeling abandoned, demeaned, and intent on revenge. The Queen’s thought, “I’ll show him,” can lead to vicious displays of vindictiveness.
Predictably, when the King withdraws, conflict escalates. Katie recalled numerous arguments between her parents when her father secluded himself in his bedroom. Her mother chased after him screaming, “Don’t you dare walk away from me!” The Queen cannot tolerate being ignored and may evoke a response from her husband by any means possible.
The King may also withdraw when conflict arises between the mother and the child, leaving the child emotionally abandoned. Lachkar explains that the narcissist’s withdrawal, “can create profound feelings of inadequacy and confusion, especially in children” (p. 83). Katie was afraid to tell her father the truth about how she felt. He was gone so frequently that she simply could not risk the possible withdrawal of his love. Children intuitively recognize that acknowledging problems wounds the King and diminishes his self-esteem.
The narcissist King and the borderline Queen have insatiable needs to be mirrored and provide mutual, although inconsistent, idealization of one another. Children can be lost in the kingdom of mirrors their parents construct to inflate their own self-esteem. Unfortunately, as the kingdom grows larger, the children feel smaller.
“My wife, her name is Ilsebil,
Has sent me here against my will.”
—The Fisherman and His Wife
“My father was completely controlled by my mother. We were all terrified of her, and he was the only one who could have done something about it. I have no respect for him. He left us alone with a crazy woman. I practically lived with my girlfriend down the street. One night after my mother had been drinking, she came storming over to my friend’s house, demanding that I come home. I was standing at the top of the stairs when my friend’s parents opened the front door. They told my mother that I wasn’t there. They protected me . . . something my father never, ever did.”
Becky’s Witch mother married a Fisherman. In the Grimms’ fairy tale, the Fisherman’s wife is never satisfied with what she has, demanding that her husband return to the sea again and again to ask the magic flounder for more power. At first she asks for a little cottage. After the magic flounder provides the Fisherman and his wife with a little cottage, the wife asks for a castle, then a kingdom, and eventually asks to become God. Her reluctant husband feels powerless to disobey her and, under the threat of violence, gives in to her demands. The borderline Witch’s insatiable need for power and control is captured in this classic fairy tale:
She gave him a grisly look that sent the cold shivers down his spine and cried: “Get going now. I want to be like God.”
“Wife, wife!” he cried, falling down on his knees, “the flounder can’t do that. He can make an emperor and a pope, but please, please think it over and just go on being pope.” At that she grew angry, her hair flying wildly around her head. She tore her nightgown to shreds, and gave him a kick. “I won’t stand for it!” she cried, “I won’t stand for it another minute. Will you get a move on?” Then he pulled on his trousers and ran out like a madman. [Manheim 1977, p. 76].
Like the Fisherman and his wife, the borderline Witch and her husband quarrel constantly, relating to one another as enemies rather than lovers. Kaplan (1978) asserts that “Quarrelers test the extent of their hatred by raging as one. They come together in mutual acrimony. They look past each other and through each other. Their eyes rage, they shout simultaneously, the vilifications of one drowning out the denigrations of the other” (p. 11).
Becky’s family life was one of abuse and turmoil. She survived her childhood by finding surrogate parents because neither parent provided affection, comfort, or safety. Had she not found sanctuary with another family, she, too, might have become a Witch. She never understood why her father stayed married to her mother.
Men who marry Witches typically were either motherless or had very sadistic and controlling mothers. They had no healthy mothering experience against which to compare their wife’s egregious behavior. If they grew up with harsh discipline, they believed it was for their own good and did them no harm. These men fail to see how their children are hurt because they fail to recognize how they were hurt as children. The Fisherman believes mother knows best.
The Fisherman’s fear of his wife prevents him from protecting his children from her vindictiveness and abuse. He relinquishes his will to the Witch, functioning as an extension of her. Men who are married to Witches participate in a folie à deux (literally a double madness), which reinforces the Witch’s distorted perceptions of her children.
Becky, a bright and resourceful young woman, suffered from BPD. She did not want to have children because she was terrified of being like her mother. She viewed her father as totally emasculated and felt that he had sacrificed her as a child, offering her up for total destruction by her mother. After graduating from college, Becky never again contacted her parents.
No man who was raised by a loving mother would choose to marry a Witch. Men who marry a Witch may sometimes be trapped by circumstances such as physical disability, but are most likely trapped by their own psychological blindness. They have never known healthy love. What the Witch offers the Fisherman is a façade of strength and a sense of self that he lacks. He mistakes the Witch’s aggression for courage, and not only fails to realize the danger to himself, but also the greater danger to his children.
Then the husband went, and he was very unhappy because of his wife wanting to be king. “It’s not right, it’s not right at all,” he thought. And he didn’t want to go, but he went.
—The Fisherman and His Wife
The Witch seeks a mate she can control. She is drawn to passive, submissive, vulnerable, or feeble individuals. She denigrates those with power because of her fear of being controlled. Thus, she chooses a submissive husband who can be controlled by fear. The Fisherman who catches a Witch finds himself caught in a net of fear.
The Fisherman is too insecure to stand up for himself or his children. Becky’s father was cynical and bitter, but never dared express his feelings directly. Instead, he muttered sarcastic comments under his breath in response to his wife’s merciless ridicule. Becky’s mother treated her father like a servant, shouting commands, dictating orders, and humiliating him in public. The Fisherman may express resentment by being passive-aggressive, like a reluctant child dawdling while responding to a parent’s command.
Because the Fisherman colludes with the Witch’s distorted perceptions of his children, he may unconsciously fuel her rage and rejection of the no-good child and reinforce her favoritism of the all-good child. He may join her in ridicule, punishment, and humiliation of the no-good child, but will remove himself quickly whenever conflict between mother and child escalates.
The Fisherman’s low self-esteem contributes to his inability to assert himself and protect his children. He sees himself as powerless and worthless, perceiving the Witch as more important than himself. He may envy her ability to express rage and intimidate, and may derive vicarious satisfaction through her sadistic control of others.
Although the Fisherman lives in fear of his wife, he also fears living without her. The Witch meets the emotional needs of the Fisherman who, without her, would feel lost. He relinquishes responsibility to her, holding onto the view of himself as the innocent, suffering victim. A blind accomplice to his wife’s malice, the Fisherman is bolstered in self-esteem by his role as the good guy, the obedient, subservient husband.
As a child, Becky admitted that she was often rude to her father. She viewed him as having no self-respect and, consequently, she had no respect for him. She saw nothing about him to admire and referred to him as a wimp and a loser. She and her father annoyed one another, demeaned one another, but shared one thing in common: they both feared the Witch.
Masterson (1980) observes that a husband of a borderline wife “may have any one of the severe forms of character pathology, or even schizophrenia. The key feature is that he is not available to the child . . . to support the forces of individuation and mastery of reality” (p. 22). Becky’s father called her “a pain in the ass” and blamed her for provoking her mother’s rage. During one particularly violent argument, her mother slapped Becky across the face. When Becky raised her hand to protect herself, her mother assumed that Becky was going to strike her and grabbed Becky by the throat. As the violence escalated, her father phoned the police to have Becky arrested. Because the Fisherman himself lacks individuation, he is as unaware of his wife’s pathology as he is of his own.
Once upon a time, the Frog-Prince, the Huntsman, the King, and the Fisherman were children who were left alone with their own pain. No one came to their rescue, eased their sadness, filled their emptiness, or quieted their fears. Alice Miller (1986), author of Thou Shalt Not Be Aware: Society’s Betrayal of the Child, warns that
Children cannot achieve integration by themselves. They have no choice but to repress the [traumatic] experience, because the pain caused by their fear, isolation, betrayed expectation of receiving love, helplessness, and feelings of shame and guilt is unbearable. Further, the puzzling silence on the part of the adult and the contradiction between his deeds and the moral principles and prohibitions he proclaims by light of day create an intolerable confusion in the child that must be done away with by means of repression. [p. 311]
A father who fails to intervene in the pathological dynamics between the borderline mother and his children does so because he repressed memories of how he was hurt as a child. The slippery Frog-Prince is concerned primarily with his own survival and emotionally abandons his children. The humble Huntsman denies and ignores the Hermit’s irrational behavior in order to uphold his commitment to the marriage. The lofty King retreats behind the walls of his kingdom, leaving his children in the hands of the capricious Queen. The Fisherman is trapped in the Witch’s net and is as helpless as a child. Without therapy, these fathers can never see how they were hurt, can never heal, and cannot protect their children. These fairy-tale fathers leave their children balanced precariously on the edge of reality. Only those fathers who validate their children’s perceptions and feelings, and believe what their children tell them, can protect them from developing BPD.
1. For a more complete description of narcissistic personality disorder, see The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition (DSM-IV), published by the American Psychiatric Assocation.