At night, when she was tired out with work, she had no bed to sleep in but had to lie in the ashes by the hearth.
—Cinderella
“My mother spent days at a time in bed when she was depressed. I was afraid to leave her alone. Sometimes I stayed home from school just to make sure that she didn’t kill herself. She was proud of telling other people that when I was a baby, I would stop crying whenever she cried. Apparently, I learned to repress my own feelings before I could talk. It didn’t occur to me until recently how much I sacrificed for her.”
Michelle was a 40-year-old marketing director who worked thirteen-hour days. Thoughts of depression and feelings of resentment brought her to therapy. Her mother lived in subsidized housing on a meager income from Social Security. Michelle stated bluntly, “I’ve taken care of my mother all of my life . . . but now I feel like I’m drowning.”
Michelle realized that she needed help structuring a healthier relationship with her mother. As the all-good child, she felt enormous responsibility for her mother’s well-being, yet felt suffocated by her mother’s dependency. She wanted a recipe, specific guidelines for setting limits with her mother, in order to enjoy her own life.
Like many adult children of Waifs, Michelle feared becoming dependent on a therapist. She wanted an instruction manual to read on her own because self-reliance felt safer than accepting help. As a child, Michelle had found dependency costly; consequently, she frequently expressed concern about the cost of therapy. Patients such as Michelle make good progress in therapy but may not stay in long-term treatment. They learn not to need others and equate dependency with weakness. They appear to be strong and fiercely independent, a defense that protects them from vulnerability. Charlotte du Pont’s eldest daughter, Anna, was apparently much like Michelle: strong, determined, and unbelievably self-reliant. The Waif’s adult children typically believe that no one can meet their needs, and they may not allow anyone to try.
The Waif’s children may feel and behave more like adults than children. Having functioned as a surrogate mother during her mother’s chronic depression, Anna du Pont was determined that she and her siblings would stay together after the death of their parents. Shortly after her father’s funeral, members of the extended family met to discuss the arrangements for the orphaned children; meanwhile, the children secretly held their own meeting to ensure that they would not be separated. Fifteen-year-old Marguerite and 13-year-old Alfred agreed with Anna to defend themselves physically if forced to leave each other. When an uncle arrived to announce that the children would be divided among four families, he was greeted by Alfred holding a shotgun, Anna carrying a hatchet, and Marguerite wielding a rolling pin. Two younger brothers brandished a bow and arrow and a flintlock pistol. The uncle needed no further convincing to allow Anna to raise her siblings alone in their home. The Waif’s children become accustomed to feeling motherless and learn, too early, how to fend for themselves.
Linehan (1993a) laments that “the crisis oriented nature of the borderline individual’s life makes it particularly difficult, indeed, almost impossible to follow a predetermined behavioral treatment plan” (p. 87). Understandably, the Waif’s children are often disillusioned with mental-health professionals. If their mother sought psychiatric treatment during their childhood they often ask why it never helped. The Waif is extremely difficult to treat.
Managing the treatment of the borderline Waif challenges the most highly qualified experts in the field. Clearly, the borderline’s children should not be expected to manage her behavior. Michelle constantly rescued her mother from one crisis after another, paying utility bills in order to prevent disconnection, taking her car for repairs, and driving to the emergency room for injuries her mother sustained when intoxicated. Michelle concluded that after everything she had done for her mother, nothing had helped. Although Michelle had grown up, her mother had not. Her mother continued to suffer from depression, bulimia, alcoholism, and migraines. Michelle came to treatment because she had reached her limit: she had to change.
The chaos of the Waif’s life can drain her children financially and emotionally. Her adult children will never have control over their own lives unless they establish structure. Loving the Waif mother does not require taking care of her. Loving the Waif means caring about her. The Waif’s children will never be capable of preventing the turmoil that characterizes their mother’s life. Loving the Waif mother requires giving the responsibility for her life—and death—back to her. Only then can her children embrace the freedom of their own lives.
Young children have no choice but to repress their own feelings to protect the parents they depend on for survival. Adult children can function for years with repressed feelings of guilt, anxiety, and rage, despite the fact that they no longer need to repress their feelings. Until these feelings create conflict, physical illness, or enough psychic pain, they may never be consciously examined. Like those who live with chronic physical pain, people who live with psychic pain find that it feels natural, as if it has always been there. They do not remember feeling normal.
Only adult children have the power and freedom necessary to develop a reality-based relationship with their mother. Letting go of unconscious, conditioned reactions, however, requires awareness, practice, and patience. Children of Waifs who are competent, successful adults are often astounded by how easily their mother can shake their self-confidence. After her mother informed a patient that her chronic childhood illnesses “scared her to death,” the patient explained, “My mother is the only person in the world who can make me feel guilty for being ill, and basically, for living.”
Her adult child’s power and success may unconsciously threaten the Waif mother. Although she may proudly discuss the child’s accomplishments with others, she may be unable to directly praise the child. Instead, she may demean and devalue the successful adult child, leaving the child feeling that he or she has done something wrong. The child, therefore, is unable to enjoy success because it feels wrong and triggers anxiety.
The Waif unconsciously identifies with the no-good child who shares her perception that life is too hard. The no-good child internalizes her split-off negative projections and, together, the Waif and the no-good child may form an alliance against the all-good child. Perceptions of her children fluctuate, however, and the mother may demean one child to another, forming alliances that change with time and circumstance. Eventually, adult children may become emotionally depleted and may take turns distancing from the Waif or from each other.
The Waif mother’s repeated crises, anxious pleadings, medical emergencies, frequent accidents, and financial distresses create anxiety in her adult children. The all-good child feels compelled to rescue the Waif from her various predicaments, whereas the no-good child is more likely to be detached. Nonconstructive but common reactions to the Waif’s unpredictability include withdrawal, abandonment, sarcasm, ridicule, or devaluation through negative comments. More helpful to both the mother and child are constructive, empowering, and supportive responses such as “I know you’ll think of a solution,” or “I’m sorry that I can’t help you, I know you can handle this yourself.” Adult children need to express their feelings and needs directly, as the Waif easily misinterprets indirect or vague communication. Rescuing behavior perpetuates the Waif’s unhealthy emotional dependency because it reinforces her view of herself as helpless.
Adult children must accept responsibility for the way they communicate their needs and feelings. What works for one child may not work for another. Although the Waif behaves unpredictably, adult children can respond in a predictable, consistent manner. The Waif is not helpless. Regardless of the crisis, adult children must give the Waif mother the message that she can and must help herself.
Michelle’s mother frequently complained about her finances, her health, and her loneliness. Michelle learned to ask what her mother actually needed, and responded to complaints by clarifying her mother’s expectations of her. She would say, “Mother, are you asking me to lend you some money?” or “Are you wanting me to keep you company?” Depending on her mother’s response, Michelle explained whether or not she felt capable of meeting her expectations.
The Waif does not realize that her children may sacrifice what they need for themselves in order to save her. The adult child can illuminate this dynamic by asking, “Is this really what you want me to do?” or “Mother, are you asking me to miss a day of work in order to take you to the doctor?” or “Are you wanting me to spend my free time with you instead of with my husband?” The Waif does not know how to respond appropriately to her children’s needs. She has never experienced healthy mothering and must be told what her children need, even if she is unable to provide it. Being specific and direct is the best way of evoking the desired response. Adult children need to be consistently direct with the Waif mother.
The Waif may exaggerate, distort, and embellish stories in order to evoke sympathy from others. Before reacting out of sympathy or pity, adult children must consider the possibility of distortion. Rather than accusing the Waif of lying, adult children should ask for details, then evaluate the seriousness of the situation. The Waif’s feelings should be taken seriously, but her perspective on the interactions should be questioned. Inconsistencies or contradictions should always be pointed out. For example, Michelle learned to say, “You are really upset about this. But last week you told me that the car repairs cost 
250. Now you’re telling me that they cost 500.” Because the Waif may not be able to express her needs directly, her adult children must be direct about clarifying expectations. Michelle’s mother needed to borrow money, but felt that she needed to justify her request by embellishing a story about the cost of her car repairs. Michelle said simply, “Just ask me, Mother, when you need something. I don’t like it when you aren’t direct with me.”
The Waif, like all borderlines, may have difficulty remembering previous emotional states. She is not likely to remember emotionally traumatic experiences and may deny outbursts of rage or panic. Thus, adult children may question their own perceptions when the Waif mother invalidates their experiences.
Rather than arguing about the accuracy of each other’s memories, adult children need to trust their own experience. Children of all ages find it extremely disturbing when their mother does not validate their emotional experiences. Only adult children, however, may feel safe enough to express their feelings. Michelle told her mother, “It really bothers me that you do not share my memory of the Christmas of 1975. It was one of the most painful memories of my childhood. I need to know that you believe me, even if you don’t remember things the way I do.” Adult children must find a safe way of expressing their feelings. All children, regardless of their age, need to trust their instincts of self-preservation.
The Waif mother is too permissive and may allow her children to take advantage of her. She may insist that her children take her last dollar, and then complain because they did not leave any money for her. She does not enforce rules and then complains that her children seem out of control. The Waif sets herself up to be exploited. Those who exploit her, however, may experience legitimate guilt.
No-good children may take advantage of her helplessness, becoming self-centered and exploitative. All-good children may experience projected guilt, and internalize the Waifs feelings of unworthiness. Although the all-good child does not exploit the Waif, guilt, anxiety, frustration, and worry rob the child of enjoying life. The Waif mother creates anxiety because her children never know whether they can rely on her.
Anger can generate guilt because destructive fantasies accompany anger. Michelle needed a great deal of support to work through her anger at her mother. When Michelle was in high school, her mother frequently forgot to pick her up, leaving her waiting alone in the abandoned building for hours. When her mother finally arrived, Michelle berated her by saying, “What kind of a mother are you?” No child should feel guilty about needing a reliable mother.
Adult children need to protect themselves from disappointment without feeling guilty. They have a right to expect their mother to be reliable. As an adult, Michelle rarely allowed herself to depend on her mother for anything. She wanted to distance herself completely, but occasionally found that her mother could be supportive. Michelle learned to ask her mother for help only when other options were not available.
Adult children may resent the Waif’s tendency to change plans at the last minute, to break engagements in order to attend more important social events, or to prefer the company of others to the company of her own children. One time, her mother canceled a planned vacation with Michelle because her mother discovered that a former boyfriend was coming to town the weekend of their trip. Michelle complained that she rarely had her mother’s undivided attention and that her mother seemed preoccupied with her relationships with men.
Adult children often refer to the Waif as a fake because she does not follow through on commitments and is generally undependable. They may believe that the real mother is uncaring, unreliable, or deceitful. The truth is that the Waif mother does not feel real. Continually searching for validation from others, she is unaware that she fails to validate her own children.
After her mother canceled the trip with her, Michelle told her that she was hurt and explained that she felt discarded. Michelle avoided making drastic threats such as, “I’m never inviting you on a trip again,” but informed her that she planned to invite a friend instead. Her mother was surprised to learn that Michelle felt hurt and accused her of being jealous of her boyfriend. Instead of reacting with hostility, Michelle repeated her hurt feelings and said, “I just need you to understand how I feel.” Adult children can learn to explain their need for emotional validation, regardless of whether they eventually receive it. The Waif is unaware that she forgets her own children.
The Waif mother has many appealing qualities. The good mother, the fun mother, the loving mother, and the interesting mother are all parts of the Waif that her adult children cherish and enjoy. The parts of her that are enjoyable make it difficult for her adult children to reconcile their anger and resentment. Adult children can hold onto the good parts of the Waif mother while detaching from the unpleasant, uncomfortable, or dangerous parts. To detach, however, does not mean to ignore. Inappropriate or unpleasant behavior should never be ignored.
Pointing out unacceptable behavior is essential to maintain a healthy relationship with the borderline Waif. What annoys one child may be tolerated by another. What feels dangerous to one child may not threaten the other. Adult children must point out behaviors that cross the threshold of their individual tolerance levels, their own personal limits.
Michelle could not stand hearing her mother complain about her physical problems. She pointed out the offending behavior to her mother by declaring, “If you don’t change the subject, Mother, I’m going to hang up. You know I can’t stand to hear you complain about your health.” Without Michelle’s confronting her mother’s intolerable behavior, her mother would have no opportunity to respond more appropriately to Michelle’s needs.
Adult children have every right to expect and create more positive interactions with their mothers. The Waif’s depressive view of herself and her life casts a shadow of negativity on her perceptions. Children can easily be led to believe that life is too hard, that things never work out, and that giving up is easier than going on. Adult children are not responsible for cheering up their mother, for building her self-esteem, or for preventing her from killing herself. For their own well-being, however, they must distance themselves from negative perceptions, and hold on to a more positive view of themselves, their mother, and life in general.
Michelle’s mother habitually informed her of the latest bad news. Whenever Michelle phoned, the conversation focused on her mother’s problems. When Michelle realized how much she dreaded these phone calls, she informed her mother of a new rule: for every piece of bad news, she wanted to hear a piece of good news. Occasionally, her mother simply laughed, lightening the conversation for both of them.
Adult children need to recognize ways in which the Waif’s impulsive behavior can jeopardize their well-being. Their first responsibility is to take care of themselves. Safety always comes first. Ironically, attempts to help the Waif can trigger catastrophic reactions. In the midst of a psychotic reaction the Waif may become paranoid, perceiving her own children as threatening. The assistance of a trusted health-care professional is essential in obtaining appropriate medication and intervention. The Waif, though, may not be receptive to any kind of intervention.
The Waif is most likely to become psychotic when faced with rejection or abandonment. By the time her children are adults, they generally recognize the connection between abandonment and desperate, impulsive behavior. What they may not realize is that they cannot prevent these episodes from occurring.
Brazelton (Brazelton and Cramer 1990) explains that infants and children experience hopelessness when the mother withdraws due to her own depression. The Waif conveys her emotional message that life is too hard through her projections of helplessness. Adult children are only helpless in preventing crisis in the Waif’s life.
Michelle discovered that the only thing that was too hard in her life was trying to help her mother. She could not live her own life until she separated from her mother. A recurrent dream captured the essence of her struggle. A ship carrying her family capsizes. She is thrown into the turbulent sea, struggling beneath the water to reach the surface. Breathless and desperate for air, Michelle panics when a hand grasps her foot and drags her beneath the surface. She suppresses the urge to kick the hand off her foot, recognizing her mother’s grip.
Tired of feeling pulled under by her mother, Michelle was dangerously close to drowning. Many adult children of Waifs recount similar dreams and feelings. The Waif’s children can benefit by heeding the American Red Cross (1968) advice on lifesaving:
It is well known that the length of time that a person can stay in the water without succumbing to exhaustion and exposure . . . has limits . . . The tale of needless sacrifice in the history of swimming is a long one wherein heroism displayed has availed nothing . . . Novice and even very good swimmers frequently find that their ability to make a rescue does not equal their good intent and they either break away with great difficulty or drown with him. [p. 24, emphasis added]
Reaching our limit is accompanied by the thought, “I can’t stand it anymore. I have a right to live.” Not being able to stand her mother’s behavior was the turning point for Michelle to change her behavior.
The conflicts Michelle experienced with her mother seriously jeopardized her mental health. She suffered from chronic depression, anxiety, and recurrent bouts of colitis. Although the Waif has the right to choose her fate, her children have a right to survive. This admonition from the Red Cross applies to emotional as well as physical survival: “The three major causes of drowning are, and always have been, failure to recognize hazardous conditions . . . , [the] inability to get out of dangerous situations, and lack of knowledge of safe ways in which to aid or rescue drowning persons” (p. iii).
The Waif and her children are engaged in a very real battle for survival. Children of borderlines will not survive emotionally unless they recognize the danger of failing to separate from their mother. Three steps are essential to loving the Waif mother without rescuing her: (1) confirm separateness, (2) create structure, and (3) clarify consequences.
The Waif’s internalized feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness can endanger her children. Adult children must recognize hazardous conditions that could threaten their well-being. The Waif’s impulsivity and poor judgment may be evident in behaviors such as gambling, overspending, driving while intoxicated, neglecting her health, or mismanaging her finances. Her self-destructive behavior can also jeopardize her children’s financial, emotional, and physical well-being. Although adult children are no longer dependent on their mother, their long-standing tendency to sacrifice their own needs for the sake of their mother’s may continue for years.
The Waif becomes highly anxious when separated from her primary attachment figure, demonstrating clinging behavior, searching behavior, or rage. When children succumb to the fear that she might self-mutilate, attempt suicide, have an accident, or harm herself, it reinforces her destructive behavior. The Waif’s adult children must protect themselves from being emotionally controlled by fear and guilt. They do not have to abandon her. In fact, the more successful they are at not being controlled, the more meaningful their relationship can become. A healthy relationship is a choice, not a trap.
Winnicott (1958) explains that the words, “I am . . .” represent a crucial stage in individual growth. “By these words the individual not only has shape but also life . . . The individual can only achieve the I am stage because there exists an environment which is protective (p. 33, emphasis added). Establishing separateness is easier for the adult child who has the support of a partner, spouse, friend, or therapist. No one should underestimate the intensity of the anxiety experienced by adult children who attempt to separate from the Waif mother.
Michelle suffered from gratification guilt and separation anxiety. As if she were leaving a newborn home alone, Michelle could not relax when away from her mother. Prior to taking vacations, Michelle experienced panic attacks, feeling guilty and worrying about her mother constantly. From the time she was a child, every positive event was marred by concern for her mother. After coming home from high school dates she often found her lying unconscious on the floor. It never felt safe to leave her alone.
As long as Michelle shared bad news with her mother their relationship seemed to go well. Telling her mother good news seemed to trigger resentment. As long as life was hard she maintained the connection with her mother. Michelle’s success and ability to enjoy life threatened her mother and represented abandonment. Michelle explained, “I feel guilty when I go on vacations, to parties, or entertain friends. I feel like I’m doing something wrong whenever I do something fun.” Eventually, she was able to tell her mother directly, “I am the child, Mother. I need you to be happy when things are going well for me.”
Michelle developed a plan for her next vacation and explained what she expected of her mother:
“I’m afraid to leave you. Whenever I go on vacation it seems like something bad happens. The last time I left, you had a car accident and I felt guilty about being gone. If you have an accident or become ill while I’m gone, please call a friend or someone else instead of me. When I’m away, there’s nothing I can do to help anyway. I am not going to leave my phone number with you anymore when I’m away on trips.”
Michelle’s mother was bewildered and offended by Michelle’s suggestion. She denied recognizing a pattern of accidents and illnesses when Michelle left town. She said in a huff, “Well! I had no idea I am such a problem to you! You won’t have to worry about me ever again! I won’t be bothering you anymore!” Her mother did not call for the next three weeks and refused to return Michelle’s phone calls. Although Michelle considered the possibility that her mother might harm herself and struggled with guilt, she knew she had done nothing wrong. Michelle understood why as a child, she never dared express her own needs. She stood her ground calmly, but firmly, and did not provide her mother with her telephone number while on vacation.
A healthy mother wants her child to be happy. The Waif mother does not understand the unhappiness she creates in her children. Her adult child must not expect her to be happy about the changes within the relationship. The Waif mother’s worst fear, abandonment, is less likely to materialize if her adult children structure the relationship around their needs.
Feeling sorry for the Waif is the worst possible reaction to her self-defeating behavior. Acknowledging pain, sympathizing or empathizing with another person’s feelings is not pity. Pity legitimizes feelings of hopelessness. What the Waif needs most is to regain the ability to hope. Pity conveys subtle disrespect, a sense of superiority, and is therefore condescending. Rudolf Dreikurs (Dreikurs and Soltz 1964) observed, “Feeling sorry about the ‘it’ which happened is sympathy. Feeling sorry for the ‘you’ to whom it happened is pity” (p. 247).
Disappointment and adversity are a part of everyone’s life. The ability to tolerate suffering and hold on to a positive view of life despite adversity is essential to mental health. Sympathy and encouragement are much healthier responses to the Waif’s pleas of helplessness than pity and rescuing behavior. Sympathy can be expressed by stating, “This must really hurt. I am so sorry that this happened. What can I do to help you get through this particular time?” Sympathy conveys confidence in the person’s ability to cope with the situation. Pity is expressed in statements such as, “I feel sorry for you, you poor thing.” Pity is demeaning because it implies that the person is weak, as if one were saying, “I am so much better off than you are, I should step down from my pedestal and help you.”
Michelle’s unemployed, alcoholic, younger brother exploited her mother. He borrowed her car without paying for gas and borrowed money without paying her back. Michelle resented her mother’s passive stance with her brother and suspected that he received half of the weekly allowance Michelle gave to her mother. Rather than feel sorry for her mother, Michelle stated:
“I am not willing to provide you with money to give to John. I expect you to give me the receipts from your purchases so that we can work out a budget. I need to know exactly how much you need. I won’t be able to provide you with cash unless I have the receipts from the previous week.”
Michelle’s mother responded flippantly, “I never asked for your money in the first place!” Michelle answered gently, “I’m happy to help you, Mother, but if you don’t want my help that’s your decision.” Michelle’s mother refused to speak to her for two months following their discussion. Michelle knew in her heart that she had not been unfair and refused to feel guilty. She knew her mother would eventually speak to her, behaving as though nothing had happened. Nevertheless, she held her mother accountable for her decision not to accept her financial assistance. Slowly, over time, Michelle taught her mother that she meant what she said and that she could not be manipulated by pity or guilt.
Structure determines the strength, resiliency, stability, and durability of relationships, as well as buildings. Because the borderline mother lacks internal structure, she is unable to maintain stable relationships, even with her own children. The Waif’s loose, permissive parenting style fails to provide her children with stability, and adult children may need help setting limits, consequences, and boundaries. Relationships that lack structure eventually fall apart. Structure provides security and safety.
Michelle’s mother often phoned her late at night while intoxicated, ruminating and rambling, and then having no memory of the conversation the following day. Late-night phone calls annoyed Michelle, left her exhausted the following day, and enabled her mother’s self-destructive behavior. Michelle established structure with her mother by explaining:
“Mother, I am too tired at night to talk on the phone, and I do not want to talk to you when you’ve been drinking. If you call me after 10:00 P.M. I will not answer the phone. If you call me when you’re drunk, I will simply hang up. There’s no point in having conversations you don’t remember.”
The most important part of Michelle’s plan was not what she told her mother but her ability to follow her plan consistently. The borderline mother responds well, as does anyone, to consistency, sameness of experience, and knowing what to expect. Michelle did not answer the telephone after 10:00 P.M. She purchased Caller ID service in order to screen her calls, and refused to speak with her mother when she was drunk. In less than six weeks, her mother stopped the late-night phone calls and stopped calling when intoxicated.
Michelle structured the relationship with her mother around her own needs, even though initially her mother responded with hostility. Michelle did not give in, and reassured her that she still loved and cared about her. The goal is not to deprive, frustrate, or punish but to grow toward mutual understanding.
“I will” statements express intention, self-direction, and autonomy, and reinforce “I am” statements that confirm separateness. These statements must be reality-based, or credibility and meaning will be lost. Saying one thing and doing another is contradictory and undermines trust. “I will” statements must never be used as threats but should convey logical, natural consequences for inappropriate behavior.
The Waif’s unmanageable life can engulf the adult child who does not create structure and set limits. Creating a healthier relationship with the borderline mother requires drawing a mental map that guides the mother and child toward the safe shores of autonomy. Structuring a healthy relationship with the Waif requires setting boundaries.
Adult children must define the line that separates them from their mother. Crossing the line of one’s own limits leads to merger and re-creates the pathological dependency of the borderline Waif. The more the Waif depends on her children, the less likely she will learn to save herself. The adult child should not have to jump in the water to save her drowning mother. The Waif must learn to swim.
The American Red Cross (1968) describes the case of an elderly gentleman who saved the life of a drowning man. The elderly man walked with a cane and was standing on the shore when he saw a swimmer struggling in the water. The older man saved the swimmer’s life not by jumping in the water, but by extending his cane from a nearby pier for the man to grasp. The drowning man then clung to the cane while his rescuer pulled him to shore.
If the Waif mother refuses to grab hold of the help that is extended to her, the adult child is not responsible. The Waif must be given the opportunity to experience her own strength, to gain confidence in her own abilities, and to be given only enough assistance to help herself. Lending a hand at the crucial moment is all that is needed to save a life.
The Waif is extremely sensitive to rejection and to criticism, and expects to be punished. The principles of logical and natural consequences convey no moral judgment and are therefore useful when interacting with the Waif. Dreikurs (Dreikurs and Soltz 1964) developed an approach to child-rearing known as “logical and natural consequences.” His novel concept introduced healthy, esteem-building techniques for parents who recognized the negative effects of punitive, shaming, and authoritarian parenting styles. His concepts have been widely accepted by contemporary parents and can be adopted for use in all relationships.
The Waif’s adult children sense their mother’s despair and may feel like giving up hope. Attempts to help her often fail, causing her children to become discouraged and depressed. Logical and natural consequences remind the Waif that she has control over her life and that helplessness can be unlearned.
Natural consequences are those that occur as a result of the natural order of the physical world; for example, standing in the rain and getting wet, not eating and getting hungry, not filling the car with gas and running out of gas. The Waif points to natural consequences as evidence of her personal bad luck, as if she had no role in their occurrence. “I ran out of gas, and had to walk three miles in the rain without an umbrella. Nothing ever goes right for me.” The conditioned child says, “How terrible! I feel so sorry for you. You have the worst luck.” The enlightened child states, “That’s too bad. I’m sure you’ll check your gas gauge before leaving home from now on. I never drive anywhere with less than a quarter tank of gas.” Distinguishing natural consequences from bad luck helps the adult child break the cycle of responding with guilt or pity. Pointing out natural consequences conveys the message that “this happens to everybody, and you, too, can learn from experience.”
Logical consequences are those that result from the reality of the social world, such as not showing up for work and being fired, not paying utility bills and having utilities disconnected, not studying and failing a course. Logical consequences convey the message that the Waif is capable of making more responsible decisions and encourage mature behavior without demanding compliance or using coercion. For example, Michelle’s mother frequently arrived late for family meals. The family felt inconvenienced having to wait for her arrival, but Michelle, worried about insulting her mother, never said anything to her. Eventually, Michelle decided that the logical consequence was for her family to eat on time, regardless of when her mother arrived.
Logical and natural consequences do not guarantee reduction of conflict. No matter how carefully the adult child clarifies consequences, the Waif may feel rejected and punished. Adult children are not responsible for their mother’s behavior. Logical and natural consequences simply provide a guideline for appropriate responses to inappropriate behavior.
People who commit suicide generally do not tell their therapist, or anyone else, about their plans. Parents who tell their children that they feel like killing themselves usually want reassurance that they are cared about and would be missed. Paradoxically, the threat is often an attempt to prevent abandonment. Such statements evoke powerful feelings of anxiety in children, even adult children, and should never be ignored. Listed below are helpful versus nonhelpful responses:
1. Rescuing behavior: “Oh, please don’t say that, I will do anything for you.”
2. Ignoring the threat or gesture: “Right, you’ve said that a million times.”
3. Failing to take the feeling seriously: “I’m so sick of hearing you say that.”
1. Calling the police when any suicidal gesture is acted upon.
2. Calling the parent’s therapist when any suicidal thought is mentioned.
3. Responding honestly with concern and appropriate consequences such as the following:
“Telling me that you feel like killing yourself upsets me. It scares me and makes me angry. I am going to tell your therapist. There is nothing else I can do to help. I am your child. I love you and care about you but I do not want to be responsible for whether or not you kill yourself. It is unfair to me.”
Some adult children feel so frustrated or endangered in the presence of their Waif mothers that they choose not to have any contact at all. No one has the right to pass judgment on such situations. Every human being has the right to protect his or her own life. In some cases, it is in the best interest of both mother and child to disengage completely. No one can save a person who does not want to be saved.
In 1961 Carl Rogers introduced a revolutionary concept to the field of psychology. His approach to psychotherapy was grounded in his belief in the ability of individuals to grow and mature. He did not use strategies, techniques, or tricks to create growth. He used his real self. He believed that only by being real could he help others. He observed, “Probably one of the reasons why most people respond to infants is that they are so completely genuine, integrated, or congruent. If an infant expresses affection or anger or contentment or fear there is no doubt in our minds that he is this experience, all the way through” (p. 339). But infants like Michelle learn to mask their inner experience, to respond to their mother’s need, to be quiet when their mother cries, and to smile when their mother is sad.
Rogers emphasized that “congruence” is essential to being a genuine person. Congruence means that our internal emotional experience matches our behavior. We trust people who are real, even if they are sometimes offensive, because we know they are telling us the truth about how they feel.
Rogers warned that being oneself does not solve problems. Being oneself frees one to explore new solutions, consider new perspectives, experience greater intimacy, and appreciate life more deeply. Winnicott (1960) believed that “only the True Self can be creative and only the True Self can feel real . . . the existence of a False Self results in . . . a sense of futility” (p. 148). The Waif’s children can develop a false self that is grounded in compulsive self-sufficiency or the opposite, overdependence.
Children of borderlines expect incongruent behavior from others. They learn to hide their real feelings, to express their needs indirectly, or not to need anything at all. Because this learning is unconscious, they are unaware of their own incongruence.
Children of borderlines keep the true self hidden, first from their parents and eventually from themselves. A spunky 7-year-old boy announced to his mother, “You don’t know what I think! You don’t know what my dreams are! I only tell you what I want you to know!” The real self will be hidden if it cannot be freely expressed. Rogers (1961) wrote: “only one person . . . can know whether what I am doing is honest, thorough, open, and sound, or false and defensive and unsound, and I am that person” (p. 23, emphasis added).
The Waif’s adult children learn to doubt their own experience and can sink into needless despair. The Waif mother may believe that her children would be better off without her. The depth of her despair is truly frightening. Her pain feels unmanageable and thoughts of death mar her life. Naturally, her children internalize her feelings. They too, may wonder if they would be better off without her. They may also feel that her pain is unmanageable and wonder if death might provide the only serenity their mother will ever know. These forbidden thoughts terrify children, increase guilt and anxiety, and can lead to panic attacks.
Children want the freedom to enjoy life but not at the expense of their mother’s life. The Waif wants freedom from her pain and may be unable to consider her children’s feelings. A borderline Waif who had a history of suicide attempts and multiple hospitalizations told her friend, “I’ve decided that I just can’t go on. I’m having lunch tomorrow with my 12-year-old son. If he is rude to me that will be the last straw. I’m going to kill myself.” When the friend suggested that it was unfair not to consider the consequences for her son, the Waif stared at her blankly, unable to comprehend anyone else’s pain but her own.
Excruciating physical pain can drive one to suicide. So, too, can emotional pain. The Waif’s adult children must relinquish trying to save their mother’s life and the anger that can destroy their own lives. The Waif’s children cannot save her; they must swim to shore alone.