Funny how the mind can sometimes make strange associations. I was enjoying the incredible recuperative powers of Jack Jeebes in Men in Black II when images of Kevin Trudeau popped into my mind. Jeebes, you should know, is the slimy alien pawnshop owner whose head immediately regenerates after it is blown off. And who is Kevin Trudeau? Well, he is the king of infomercials, a man who has shamelessly hawked dozens of questionable products on TV programs cleverly disguised to look like documentaries. No matter how many times he is fined or reprimanded, the man who spent two years in federal prison for credit card fraud just keeps popping up again and again to dupe the public and annoy scientists. Sometimes he plays the skeptical reporter interviewing some expert about the latest miracle breakthrough; sometimes he himself is the “expert.” One of his classic infomercials featured the Mega Memory course designed by “Kevin Trudeau, memory expert” and founder of the “America Memory Institute.” Well, I have my suspicions about the effectiveness of this course, seeing that the “memory expert” seems to have trouble remembering legal proceedings that have been brought against him.
In 1998, the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) in the us, which looks after consumers’ welfare, charged that Trudeau made false and unsubstantiated claims on behalf of various products on his infomercials. The charges were settled when Trudeau agreed to pay a fine of half a million dollars and promised to abstain from making false claims. But it seems the lure of huge profits was too much, because in 2003 the FTC again brought proceedings against Trudeau, after one of his programs featuring “expert guest Robert Barefoot” claimed that “Coral Calcium” was a cure for a wide array of human ailments. In a separate infomercial Trudeau falsely insinuated that a strip of “Biotape” applied to the body could provide permanent relief from severe pain. This time, to settle the charges, the prolific marketer agreed to a fine of $2 million and a permanent ban from appearing in, producing, or disseminating future infomercials that advertise a product, service, or program that cannot be backed up scientifically.
Since the FTC certainly has no desire to curtail the freedom of speech, infomercials for books or newsletters were exempted from the judgment. And that was just the opening Kevin Trudeau needed to launch another profit-making venture, one that is even more disturbing than his other schemes. This time he is pushing his book Natural Cures “They” Don’t Want You to Know About. The “They” of course refers to the FTC, the Food and Drug Administration, associations like the American Cancer Society, and pharmaceutical companies, all of whom, according to Trudeau, want to undermine the health of the public for their own greedy motives. In fact, it is this nonsensical work that may undermine health. It certainly sent my blood pressure soaring!
Trudeau is not one for understatement. He boldly declares at the outset his contention that there are all-natural cures for virtually every disease and ailment. Of course, these cures are suppressed by the medical establishment, lest they cut into profits. To back up his claim, Trudeau regales us with the saga of the maverick (unnamed) scientist who found a herbal cure for diabetes but was paid $30 million by a pharmaceutical company not to market it. Oh, yeah? Where? When? We’re also told that the American Cancer Society has swept information under the carpet about a plant that cures cancer in one week. Really? What is that plant? Well, you won’t find that information in Trudeau’s book, since he claims he is not allowed to talk about specific products because the FTC may then prosecute him and burn his books. Nonsense! But this clever man suggests that he has found a way around government harassment by directing people who want the specific information to his Web site. Don’t expect to find out about the miraculous cancer-healing plant just like that, though. You’ll have to register and pay a fee. Since I was unwilling to contribute to Mr. Trudeau’s already copious coffers, I’m afraid I will remain in the dark about this cancer cure.
The drug companies, Trudeau maintains, design medications with side effects so they can then sell you more drugs to treat the new problems that arise. The food industry knowingly puts additives into food that will make people hungry, fat, addicted, and depressed. Pharmaceutical companies, which supply some of these additives, can then sell their antidepressants, which of course have side effects that have to be treated . . . and so on and on it goes. This is just silly stuff. But then there are Trudeau’s scientific absurdities. Like that animals in the wild do not get sick. Nonsense. Or that every single person who has cancer has a pH that is too acidic. Nonsense. Pasteurization kills all living natural enzymes. More nonsense. Enzymes are not alive. How about this gem? If you eat an apple today, it has one-fifth the nutrition of an apple of fifty years ago. And even more nonsense. Irradiation changes the energetic frequency of a food, giving the food a frequency that is no longer life sustaining. Thinking the correct thoughts actually changes a person’s DNA. Mind-numbing nonsense.
Then comes the advice for good health in a chapter blatantly entitled “How to Never Get Sick Again.” Didn’t work for me. Made me sick with suggestions like “rebalance your body with frequency generators.” (“These machines neutralize the frequency of the disease.”) Get a water cooler that adds oxygen to the water. Get fifteen colonics in thirty days. (May not be a bad idea for Mr. Trudeau himself—some elimination seems appropriate.) Use magnetic toe rings. Stay away from electric tumble dryers (“produce positive ions that suppress the immune system”). Have sex often. Well, even the scientifically challenged occasionally get something right.