‘You’re both here then,’ Elizabeth Duggan said as Kate pushed Eve’s wheelchair through the front door and into the substantial hallway of their parents’ home.
‘Yes, Mother, we’re both here,’ Eve replied, the sense of dread in her voice more than apparent and Kate felt sorry that she’d practically forced her sister into coming.
‘I thought Ben was coming with you, dear.’ Her mother looked past both her and Eve, as though expecting him to walk in behind them. ‘I’ve heard so much about him. He just has to be nicer than the last one you had. And where’s Max?’
Kate took in a deep breath, tried not to bite. ‘We left Max with Eric. They like each other.’ It had been two days since Rob had gone missing and for two whole days, she and Ben had spent every moment together. They’d eaten together, waited for news together and slept in the same bed. And on more than one occasion, Ben had gently kissed her, without any expectation of anything more. For all she knew, Rob was dead. But on the off chance he wasn’t, and at Ben’s insistence, Kate had stayed away from River Cottage.
‘Katie, wake up, dear. Now, what are you wearing?’ Elizabeth asked, as Kate looked down at the clothes she’d borrowed from Eve and automatically, she removed her pumps before dropping them into the wicker basket by the door and then helped Eve with her coat.
‘We have roast chicken, new potatoes, cauliflower with a cheese sauce, broccoli and carrots. Is that okay, girls?’ Elizabeth’s voice rang out as though nothing had been said. It was as though during any given emergency it was their mother’s job to cook the dinner and no one would stop her.
While she busied herself in the kitchen, Kate wished she’d been blessed with the kind of parent who would have been happy to see them. She thought back to their childhood when their mother had at least given them a hug and despondently Kate walked out of the kitchen and into the garden where the air was fresh and made her shiver. Taking a seat on the old wooden bench, Kate tried to think. Tonight was the first time she’d seen both of her parents together for months and it would be the perfect opportunity to speak to them both and to finally get their father to agree to the medical attention their mother clearly needed.
* * *
As though someone had set an alarm, the front door opened at exactly, six o’clock. It was Sunday, the day their father played golf and even though he hadn’t been to work, Kate thought he looked older and more tired than she’d ever seen him look before.
Holding out his arms and so as not to be outdone, Kate watched as their mother immediately ran to him, kissed him on the cheek and then took his coat out of his hand. ‘Give that to me, did you play well, dear?’ she asked automatically, as she hung the coat up.
‘Yes, dear,’ came the customary answer. ‘Now, let me take a look at the girls.’ He pressed his lips together, gave Eve a look of pity and as though waiting for her to run into his arms, he held them aloft, just as he’d always done when she was a child. Without hesitation Eve wheeled herself to him, and hugged him affectionately. But Kate stood back, waiting for the invitation that didn’t come.
Sitting silently at the farmhouse table. Kate spent the whole time pushing vegetables aimlessly around her plate. Each piece of food was cut, moved, but wasn’t eaten. Her throat was still sore and the thought of both chewing and swallowing still filled her with dread. There was no conversation. No chatter about work, or politics. Their father didn’t mention his golf game or the traffic and with the increased the tension the room became surrounded by an unbearable silence.
Watching as her mother suddenly jumped up from her seat, wrung her hands on her apron and snatched the plate from before her, Kate flinched and closed her eyes as the content of the plate was noisily scraped into the bin and then rinsed before being placed neatly in the dishwasher.
Kate stood up from the table, kissed Eve on the cheek and took hold of her hand. There was a knowing look that passed between them, a silent promise that only twins could share. ‘We have to do this.’ She smiled, encouragingly.
Their eyes locked, and silently, but reluctantly, Eve gave her a nod.
* * *
‘The accident,’ Kate finally said, as she looked from her mother to her father and then to Eve. ‘I want to talk to you about the accident.’ She sighed, sucked her breath in slowly. She felt awkward but knew that unless this conversation was had, their father would continue to bury his head in the sand and their mother would never get the help she needed.
Turning to her father, Kate looked for his reaction. She’d hoped he’d make the conversation easy and lead the way. But their father was much too good at concealing his emotions, and being a barrister had given him the most practised poker face.
‘What about the accident, dear?’ His words were slow and clear and deliberate. ‘I’m sure we’ve gone over this before,’ he spoke dismissively and annoyingly, and flicked at an imaginary speck of dust on his shirtsleeve.
‘Dad, Mum needs help.’ Kate knelt down, stared into her mother’s eyes. ‘Mum.’ She took hold of her hands and watched her recoil. ‘You remember the accident, don’t you? And you know that James is dead.’ She waited for a reaction, and for an outburst that didn’t come. Instead, her mother turned her nose in the air and stared into space.
‘Kate, is there a point to all this?’ their father snapped. ‘You’re going to upset your mother.’ Agitated, he sat up straight.
‘The last thing I’d have ever wanted was for James to die.’ Kate continued. ‘He was my big brother, and I loved him.’ Once again, she took hold of her mother’s hands but this time she didn’t allow her to shrug them off. ‘It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t drive the car that killed him and I… I can’t live like this.’ She paused and gulped for air. ‘Mum, you’re sick. You really need help and tonight, we came here to beg you to get it.’ She turned to her father, looked him straight in the eye. ‘You’ve got to have noticed that she thinks that James doesn’t visit.’ Again, she paused, allowed her eyes to lock with his. ‘It isn’t right and you… you can’t keep blaming me either. Because I was hurt too and I need you, Eve needs you and…’ She wiped her tears on the back of her hand. ‘You used to love all of us the same. But since James died, you stare right through me. You don’t even give me a hug when you walk in through the door but now, you can’t even bear to look at me.’
‘That’s not true.’ He looked to Eve for support, but then sighed with resignation.
‘Rob tried to kill me… did you know that? He pushed me under water and I felt the life drain from me. There was a burning inside my lungs and….’ Kate stifled a sob. ‘And I could see James. His cold, lifeless eyes and for a moment, I envied him. I envied the fact that he didn’t have to do this and I prayed that I’d die, too.’
‘But you’re not religious, dear.’ Her mother suddenly spoke and immediately, Kate squeezed her hands, and stared into her mother’s tear-filled eyes all the time looking for a tiny spark of recognition.
‘No, Mum, I’m not religious.’ Kate whispered as her mother suddenly looked at her husband with pain in her eyes.
‘James… James is dead?’ The words were simple, but were followed by a long, piercing scream.
* * *
Gerald settled his wife on the settee, while Eve held her hand and stroked her face. And then, for the first time in over a year, he looked directly at Kate. He looked at the scar and then at her tears. He knew he’d hurt her more than anyone else had ever hurt her and slowly, he edged his body to stand beside her. Fumbling with his hands, he reached out, slowly touched her cheek, wiped away her tears and then pulled her into a hug. With the grief of losing his son, he’d almost lost his daughter too and with every ounce of strength he had left in his body, he held her as tightly as he could. For just a few moments, she was his little girl. The same one that had often curled up on his knee, the one that had always needed him.
‘Kate,’ he whispered as his whole body crumpled and uncontrollable tears rolled down his face. ‘I know how it looks, but I never meant to blame you.’ He pulled away from her body, looked directly into her eyes. ‘I blamed myself. I was supposed to keep you all safe and I didn’t.’
Kate reached forward and pulled a tissue from the box. ‘But you wouldn’t look at me. You never kissed me goodbye or goodnight, not once, not after the accident and I thought you blamed me because James was gone and you’d loved him so much.’
Gerald Duggan shook his head. ‘It… it wasn’t like that at all.’ He knew how it had looked, knew how she’d felt, but the truth was he’d been too terrified that he’d lose her too. ‘It’s true, he was the only boy, the eldest and you’re right, I loved him, but not any more than you or Eve. I never loved any of my children more than the next. Surely… you have to know that.’
Kate stepped back, but still held onto his arms. ‘So why? Why couldn’t you look at me?’
Moving to sit on the settee, Gerald reached out and grabbed his wife’s hand. ‘Oh, Kate. I don’t know… Maybe, both me and your mother were both just a little afraid to love either of you.’ He paused and searched her eyes with his. ‘I felt like I had to distance myself. From all of you. From your mother too. Which is why I go away a lot. It was the only way to stop the pain.’ He swallowed hard, looked across the room and then back at her. ‘Oh, I don’t know, I must have thought it was self-protection, just in case either of you were taken from me too.’