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The aroma of cookies, coffee, and book pages greet me as I walk into the bookstore. The smell is nostalgic and immediately brings about feelings of grief. I stall at the entrance, allowing the cool air to rush into the warm store.
“We can leave if you want. We can try this another day,” JJ tells me quietly.
I shake my head. It’s just a bookstore. No big deal. I think this, but I don’t know where to begin. Tea? Books? Share a cookie or brownie with JJ? The cookies and brownies come from the bakery Mama worked for. Who’s been baking them now? Do they taste as good?
JJ’s hand touches the small of my back and gives me a gentle nudge. I step further in and the door closes behind us.
He must have noticed me staring at the cafe. “Want to share something? Or maybe have some tea?”
I don’t know what I want to do. I’m getting overwhelmed. My breathing is becoming uneasy and I’m trying to breathe in and let the air out slow.
Some people bump into us as they come through the door. JJ puts his hand at the small of my back once again. It gives me a small sense of peace and I calmly exhale.
“It’s okay, Clove. Small steps. You made it here, but we can go,” he reassures me.
But I don’t want to go. I want to persevere. Life has to go on right? Things keep moving as constant as clouds in the sky. Storms roll in and they roll out. This is what my therapist, Dr. O’dea tells me. I know she thinks I’m not listening to her when we have our sessions, but I am.
I grab JJ’s hand. It’s so warm, or maybe mine are just that cold.
He takes his other hand and rubs the back of mine. “Geez Clove, your hands are like ice. Let me buy you something warm.” He leads me over to the cafe and orders two cups of tea. I want chamomile but I don’t know if he knows that.
“Which tea?” the waiter asks. Then she proceeds to rattle off about a dozen varieties.
JJ studies my face for a few seconds. “We’ll have two chamomiles.” He lets go of my hand to reach for his wallet, but I pull out some wadded-up bills and hand it to the lady. I don’t even know how much I’ve given her.
“You didn’t have to pay. I told you I would-” he stops talking because this has been an ongoing battle with us for as long as I can remember; who pays for whom. We sometimes playfully argue about it. But I won’t argue with him today. I don’t have to because she took my money already. I smile just a little and so does he.
JJ hands me the receipt. I playfully snatch it from his hand and find us a table.
The bookstore is almost quiet with only the soft sounds of jazz music and low murmurings of talking. There’s a distinct familiar voice that I can hear quite clearly. The voice gets louder. “Look, Mars is that Pinky?”
Great.
“Oooooh, is that Jonah?” Mars whispers. To my chagrin, Tisha and Mars come over just as JJ sits down with me.
“Hey Jonah,” they both sing.
JJ gives a short wave at them and takes off his jacket putting it on the back of the chair. Wow. How much has he been working out? I avert my eyes before he catches me staring...again
Tisha notices his physique too. “You’ve really been working out, huh?” she asks him.
JJ shakes his head. “No, just a little bit here and there.” He’s being modest. Clearly, there is no “little bit” to his workout regime.
Tisha’s not shy. She traces a finger down his arm. “So, the Sadie Hawkins dance is coming up. Wanna go with me?”
She didn’t waste any time. Other than her whisper to call me Pinky, she hadn’t even acknowledged my presence. JJ glances at me and I pretend to not listen or care.
“I...I’m not sure that I’m going. Can I get back to you tomorrow at school?”
The barista brings us our teas and a large chocolate chip cookie that smells so good. Tisha and Mars move their heads back and forth from me to to JJ. “Hold up! Are y’all on a date? I gotta post this,” Mars says going through her phone.
“We’re not on a date,” JJ says. “Clove used to come here with her mom so I decided to bring her today.”
Tisha smiles seductively at him. “You know, I got a cookie you might like.”
My eyebrows shoot up. Why is she so boldly offering him her cookie? Especially when I’m sitting here and can hear her. I try to calm down because JJ is not my man. He can date whoever he wants. I should get up and go find a book, but my feet stay put. I want to hear his response.
JJ’s cheeks turn pink and he tries to hide it by sipping his tea which is still too hot. I can tell he’s burnt his tongue. Mars giggles and walks away but Tisha takes JJ’s phone off the table. “Unlock this for me.”
He does and she takes the phone, types something, and then puts it right back on the table. “Call me when you know what you wanna do. Make it quick because I have other people to consider.”
JJ scrutinizes the numbers she put in his phone. “Okay, um, I’ll make sure I take that into consideration.”
Tisha walks away from us and I’m relieved. She’s so rude and arrogant. I break off a piece of the chocolate chip cookie and taste it. It’s not my mama’s but it’s still good.
I break another piece off and JJ nudges the plate closer to me. I nudge it back and he gives me a grimace like he knows I’m going to want more. He’s right. I do want more. I hadn’t had one of these in a long time.
The table we’re at is small and I accidentally step on his foot. “Sorry,” I say. This is the second time I’ve spoken since the accident and I’ve only spoken to him.
He leaves his foot there and I do the same. The heat from his leg warms me up better than the tea. JJ brings up the whole spring break college tour and how we’ll have a free day to hang out in downtown Atlanta. He tells me he wants to go the Georgia Aquarium because it’s the largest aquarium in the Western Hemisphere. I just let him talk. He usually doesn’t talk this much unless it’s about something nerdy like science.
I pinch another piece of the cookie. It’s practically gone. I’ve barely left him a fourth of a piece. So once again, he gently pushes the plate over to my side of the table. I try to hold back a smile.
“Just take the rest of it," he says. "I’m not going to eat it.”
I refuse to take the last bite. The thing Tisha said about a cookie comes to mind.
“You want Tisha’s cookie. Is that why you don’t want this one?” I say facetiously.
JJ shakes his head and takes the top off of his tea to let the steam rise up. “Nope. I think she may be shy of a few chocolate chips. Look...” He turns his phone towards me. Tisha only put in six numbers.
I cover my chuckle. I knew he wasn’t interested in her, but I had to hear him say it to be certain.
Once, Tisha and I were lab partners and she lit her eyebrows on fire while messing with the Bunsen burner. I still don’t know how she did that but our teacher let her wear a hat for a couple of weeks. After that, she started drawing her eyebrows on except she couldn’t really do it that well. They were drawn on way too high. She had one facial expression for three days.
“Do you think you might ask Trevor to the dance?” JJ asks me.
I knit my eyebrows together. Why on Earth would I do that? Or better yet why does he think I would? I take the top off of my tea and blow it.
“You like him, right? I heard you tell Jessa that you did and it kind of seems like you do.”
I didn’t realize he’d heard that but now that I think about it, he probably hears a lot because he doesn’t talk much, kind of like what I’ve been doing. He’s only talking as much as he is now out of desperation to get me to say something. I shrug my shoulders and direct my attention towards the aisle of clearance books.
JJ takes another sip of his tea and gets up to throw away the leftover cookie. Quickly, I reach out and grab it before he throws it away.
JJ smirks. “You are so predictable.”
There’s melted chocolate on my fingers and I reach for his face to wipe it on his cheek but he dodges me.
“See,” he smiles. “Predictable.”