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Dr. O’dea’s office is warm and suffocating. I sit on a cozy, light blue couch and listen to water trickling from a fountain that’s supposed to be for relaxation, but I find it annoying. A faux iris plant resting in a silver pot sits on a sofa table that’s underneath a painting of—-I don’t know what that’s a painting of—-perhaps just a painting of paint. Dr. O’dea sits on an oversized cream-colored chair, jotting notes on her notepad. She pushes her glasses up on her face and smiles, it’s friendly but almost sort of smothering.
She begins talking to me in her thick Jamaican accent. “How you been, Miss Clove?”
I don’t want to talk to her so I shrug.
“Yer fahder tinks you are depressed. Are you depressed?”
How should I know? Isn’t she supposed to tell me that? I shrug again. Watching paint dry on a wall would be better than these sessions. I suppose it’s gives me a reprieve from the mundane school-to-work schedule. Instead of meeting with her just on Wednesdays, my Dad upped my sessions to Mondays and Thursdays.
“I like dat nose ring.”
“Thanks.” I cover my mouth. I hadn’t meant to say that. I hadn’t meant to say anything. Manners are entrenched in me. It’s like I have to respond when someone pays me a compliment.
“Did you take any pictures of yer’self? Any...what do you young people call dem? Selfies?”
I nod.
“May I see dem?”
My right shoulder goes up. I don’t care that she sees them but she’s the one who has my phone for the hour. She removes it from the lock box and sits beside me.
“Show me.” She hands me my phone. I unlock it and navigate to my photos. The last photo that appears is the one JJ sent me yesterday after our run.
I must admit it was a beautiful surprise. I met him at the spot where he told me to meet him. Since Daylight Savings Time had arrived, the sky was still dark and completely filled with stars. It took me a minute to figure out what to workout in so I was a few minutes late. I walked briskly to our agreed upon meeting spot.
JJ stood waiting for me just like he said he would.
“How long you been waiting?” I asked him when I arrived.
“Not long. Did you walk or run?”
I gave him a knowing look. He knew I wasn’t about the running life. I was just slightly out of breath but I eyed him up and down quickly. The morning air was nippy. He had on basketball shorts, a tight long sleeve shirt, and a slouchy beanie. I, on the other hand, was bundled in every warm thing I could find.
“Cold?” he asked.
“Aren’t you?” His shorts and long sleeves had me confused about what weather he was dressed for.
He ignored my question and tapped his watch. “Okay, so don’t be mad at me, but we need to run now.”
“What?”
He took off running. At first, I just watched his stride but when he turned the corner, I realized I needed to catch up.
Once I caught up with him, we matched each other stride for stride. For a few minutes I was fine, but then I started to breathe harder and I felt like I needed a break.
“Breathe like this,” JJ ran backwards to show me how he breathed. I mimicked it and it helped a little but I still wanted to stop.
“Almost there,” he said.
I didn’t know where “there” was, but I kept running with him. We were running east underneath a path of street lights, but then he deviated from the path and slowed down to go up a steep, grassy hill.
I contemplated it because it seemed like a giant. My energy and stamina had left me. There was no way my body was going to allow me up that hill. It was too big and if we were going all the way to the top, I was sure I’d collapse before making it up there. I was out of breath, sweaty and breathing hard. I hesitated.
JJ extended his hand to me. “Come on, Clove. I got you. Trust me.”
I trusted him, so I reached my arm out and his hand firmly grasped mine. He pulled me up to the top, doing all the work, because my feet and body were done.
My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest, my throat was raw from trying to take in so much of the cold air, and my lips were on the verge of bleeding from being so dry. But then, we finally reached the top of the hill, which seemed like a mini Mount Everest in my eyes.
The stars were gradually fading and the sky above the treetops was like a lighter shade of blue.
JJ leaned against a tree desolate of its leaves. Spring had come early, but that tree either didn’t get the memo or had gone on to greener pastures.
I began to understand why JJ wore shorts. Sweat fell from my forehead and down my temple. I removed my hoodie and hung it over one of the branches of the dead tree. Then I sat down and leaned my back against the tree bark.
JJ sat next to me. You should keep your sweatshirt on. You’re perspiring to cool you off, but it’s also opening your pores. You’re going to be very cold in a moment.”
I didn’t listen at first. JJ continued talking. “There are three types of twilight; Astronomical, Nautical, and Civil. Right now, we’re in the Nautical. The sun is between 12 and 18 degrees below the horizon.”
I didn’t quite understand what he meant but I was sure that he was right. He knew the sky and the stars. It was his thing.
The morning was quiet and peaceful. After several minutes, I began to shiver and took my sweatshirt down from the tree.
“Told you,” JJ smiled.
I pushed his shoulder playfully. “Do you always come here when you run?” If he did, I could see why he ran every morning.
He kept watching the skyline above the trees. “Not all the time.”
We talked very little and I listened to the sounds of the birds chirping. They were singing like crazy as if they were cheering the daylight on.
“Those birds are really happy.” I said.
JJ nodded. “If you’d spent the whole night in the cold darkness, wouldn’t you be happy to see the light?” He looked at me and I got lost in his eyes again. Not wanting to stare too long, I focused on the sky. The shades of blue were becoming pink at the horizon, something like a different version of a rainbow.
We watched the sky change for several minutes. As the sun began to ascend, my mouth parted at the beauty before me. It was amazing. JJ had a smile forming at the corners of his mouth. “What do you think?” he asked.
I sat there in awe, breathless but not from the run. “I love it,” I whispered. “It’s like watching the Earth get kissed by the sun, an awakening.”
My eyes stayed focused on the view but I could feel JJ’s eyes staring at me.
“That sounds poetic, Clove. You should write that down.”
We stayed until the sun was above the horizon. After I got back home, I decided to take his advice and wrote a poem in the journal Dr. O'dea gave me. It was the first thing I’d written that wasn't a feeling of anger.
Dr. O’dea points to the silhouetted photo that JJ took of me watching the sunrise. “Tell me ‘bout dis pic’cha,” she says.
I think it’s self-explanatory really but I briefly tell her how JJ and I went running and walking to watch the sunrise.
“Who is JJ?”
“He’s my best friend.”
She nods, then she swipes—without permission—to the next photo. It’s another photo that he sent me. He’d held his hand high and we took a selfie together or maybe it’s called a twosie or something. I don’t know. Anyway, in the photo, we’re close together and smiling for the camera.
“Look at all that pretty red hair he has. He’s very handsome. You say the two of you are just friends?”
My eyebrows lower. “Yes, just friends,” I answer, echoing the end of her question.
Dr. O’dea has amusement in her eyes. “Hmmmm,” she says, giving me my phone back. “Did you write any ting down in yer jernal?”
“Poetry.” Or I should say I attempted poetry. JJ had made me think I was a poet when we got back to my house but on paper it didn’t look so great.
“Would you like to tell me about it?” Dr. O’dea asks.
I reach inside my backpack and pull out the journal she gave me.
I turn directly to the poem I wrote yesterday and begin to recite.
“Your light shines down on me
like kisses to awaken my soul,
warming me with your touch,
healing me with your love.
Your brightness is a lamp,
making me glow and gleam with every move you make.
Your beauty is obsessive, enthralling and captivating.
I’m in awe of you.”
I can feel Dr. O’dea beaming at me. “Well Miss Clove, it sounds like you are in love, chile.”
I shake my head. I’m not in love. I don’t think I understand love. “Right now, I can only love that sunrise I saw. That’s all I was referring to in the poem.” I tell her.
Dr. O’dea nods slowly again. She doesn’t believe me.