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Waking up to look at the clock is pointless. Instead of lying in bed, I write the first thing that comes to mind. The last time I wrote was on Monday, March 27:
In the dark, I search for you.
I don’t think I’m Nikki Giovanni or anything, but JJ had sort of been right about me writing poetry. It’s like I step into another realm when I write. Most of my inspiration comes when we run in the mornings. It’s funny that I can call myself a runner now. I’ve gotten better at it even though I only go on the weekends with JJ.
Spending time with him has been different in a good way, like in a way I didn’t expect it to be. We’d hung out before but since meeting Jessa and Xavier, it’s always been the four of us. Lately, it’s just been more of JJ, me, and the sky.
It's just us and nature. I think that’s the beauty of it all; we don’t need to talk. We know how to chill and just be.
I click the lamp on beside my bed and reach for my journal and pen. With so many things traveling around in my mind, I don’t know what to say first.
AFTER ABOUT FIVE MINUTES, I catch myself doodling hearts. Oh goodness! It’s like I just stepped out of my mind momentarily. It’s filled with simple drawings because art is not something I’m that good at. Hearts are simple. Everyone makes at least one heart when they draw, but who was I describing with these words? And why do I have so many doggone hearts? I shut the book and put it back under my bed. I don’t want to think about it.
***
AFTER SCHOOL, JESSA brings me home and takes a look at my outfit for the dance next week.
She stretches across my bed. “Thank gawd it’s Friday. One more week until we’re out for spring break. After that, it’ll be time to study for finals and then, graduation baby! Wooo!”
She’s so pumped to be graduating that she counts down the days on her hand in ink pen.
“Who are you going to prom with?” I ask. She hadn’t told me yet but I’d heard that a lot of guys had asked her and she’d turned them all down.
Jessa sits up on my bed. “Soooo, don’t make a big deal out of this, but I’m going with Xave.”
I make a big deal out of it. “What? Really? Are y'all together? I knew it. I knew it!”
Jessa holds up her hands to slow me down. “Clove, no, we’re not together. Like for real, we’re not.”
My shoulders slump. She got me all worked up for nothin’. “Well, what’s up with y’all then? Y’all argue like an old couple and now you tell me that you’re going to prom together. Kinda sounds like you’re in a relationship to me.”
Jessa chews on her lip. She’s been sort of off lately. Like her and I don’t talk like we used to. At first, I thought it was just because she was busy with Senior stuff but I think there may be more.
“We are in a relationship...a friendship and we’re just going to prom together. Not a crime. Show me your outfit.” She switches the subject quickly.
Okaaaaaay. I go to my closet and show her what I have so far. I decided to be a firefighter. I have a white button-up shirt and I made a black tutu skirt and picked up some black leggings. The only thing I need are black boots and red suspenders.
“You’re going to be one hot firefighter!” Jessa says.
“Thanks.”
“No, I mean you’re really going to be hot. You’re gonna burn up in those black fleece leggings. Show off those legs girl!”
I shake my head. I’m not ready for all that. Maybe I can get a different pair of leggings. Cotton maybe?
“I need some red suspenders. Can you take me to go get some?” I ask her.
Jessa shakes her head. “I would but I have somewhere to be in like six minutes. Gotta go. But text JJ, you know his mama always has stuff. ”
Oh yeah, Mrs. Jourdan always has stuff for props in the plays we do with the church. Calling JJ also gives me an excuse to make sure we’re still on for our run tomorrow morning.
Jessa waves goodbye as I press JJ’s picture on my phone. He picks up on the third ring.
“Hey!” I say cheerfully.
“Hey you! Didn’t I just see you like an hour ago? Aren’t you tired of me?”
Never. “Do you have red suspenders?” I ask him.
“Mmm, I don’t but my mom might. I can ask her for you.”
“Great. Thanks. Also, do you wanna meet me in the morning to watch the sun rise again?”
“Yes I do. Meet you at the stop sign?”
“Yep.”
“Ok.”
“Great.”
I’m still holding the phone. I want to say something but I’m feeling unsure about it.
“Clove?”
“Yes.”
“Is there anything else?”
There is but there isn’t. “Um, yeah, are you still going to the dance with Tisha?”
“I think so.”
Oh. I was hoping that would change. I still don’t understand why. What does he see in her?
“Are you still going with Trevor?”
I roll over on my bed and cross my ankle over my knee. “I don’t know. We have nothing in common. Talking to him is...” Not as exciting as talking to you, I want to tell him. “I don’t know. It’s like he’s just cute and that’s it.”
JJ’s quiet.
“You still there?” I ask him.
“Yeah. So, what are you going to do?”
I have to think about this. Trevor had invited me to this house party tonight. I don’t know much about house parties, but some say they can be chill or exactly the opposite. If Dad were in town, I’d have to explain to him where I was going, but he’s not. In fact, he’d been so busy flying in and out of town, that talking to me wasn’t on his radar. We hadn’t even finished the last conversation we tried to have about me going to the dance. As far as I know, I’m going. And I think I might go to this party tonight too.
“Trevor invited us to a party tonight. Wanna go?” I ask JJ.
JJ’s silent for a moment. “Hmmmm, he invited us, as in—”
“Me, you, Jessa, and Xavier.” I fill in for him.
If I go with all of my friends, Gram is more likely to let me go out tonight. She’s going out, so
I should go out too. Granted, Gram is going to a bowling league tournament. I like that she keeps fit for her age but it’ll be far too boring for me to sit and watch.
“House parties aren’t something I get into, tu sais?” JJ says mixing in French again. I put my phone down on my chest and blow out air. I knew he wouldn’t want to go. I’m about to tell him nevermind when he says, “What time should I pick you up?”
I smile and give him the time that Trevor told me.