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I text JJ as soon as I wake up the next morning to let him know that I don’t want to go running anymore. I don’t want to see the judgmental look he’ll have on his face. I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to go to that party.
The quiet and awkward ride home last night was unbearable. Once I got home, JJ opened my car door. Not necessarily out of chivalry, but because his dad’s car door was jammed from the inside. He always opened the passenger door. He walked me to the front door and adjusted the collar of my shirt for me. Not until I got inside to the bathroom did I realize he was trying to help me cover up my most visible mistake. It was branded on my neck like a scarlet letter.
I bury my head underneath my covers and try not to think back on the events of last night. Unfortunately, that’s exactly where my brain leads me.
Trevor had taken me to the room and I thought he wanted to talk, but I was naive—very naive. We talked for only a minute and then he started kissing my neck. Caught between pleasure and confusion, I let him continue. My instincts didn’t kick in to tell me that this was not the right person for me to be with until after all of my buttons were undone.
“No, sorry. This isn’t right,” I had said.
Trevor ogled my body, the parts of me no one had ever seen. Of all the people I care about, he didn’t deserve to see me. Unfortunately, I came to that conclusion too late. Trevor and I barely talked or knew each other. If I was going to let anyone see me, it needed to be someone who loved me naked or not. And Trevor just wasn’t it.
He licked his lips. “It’s cool. I saw enough of what I wanted to see.”
Hearing that statement made my stomach turn sour. I fled the room as quickly as possible.
There’s a light tap on my window. I raise the blinds to find JJ standing in front of it. He must not have gotten my message. I lift up the window.
“Guess you didn’t get my text.”
“I did get it. Allons-y,” he says.
I think he misunderstood what I said or maybe I just didn’t understand the French correctly but I always thought Allons-y meant “Let’s go!”
“I don’t wanna go anymore.”
“Clove, I don’t care what you want to do right now. I’m standing outside your window at 5:30 in the morning. Let’s go.”
The assertiveness in his tone stupefies me. He’s never been this firm with me before. Perhaps I should explain why I think I shouldn’t go.
“JJ, about last night-”
“No,” he cuts me off.
No? “But I want to expla-”
“Don’t,” he replies. He scrolls through his phone and then my phone chimes. He’s sent me his run playlist. By the time I finish reading all the artists and songs, he’s vanished. Another message appears on my phone.
JJ: Get dressed. I’ll be on ur front porch.
Wow! His self-confidence and attitude is working for me. I do as he requests, getting dressed as fast as I can all while sneezing.
As soon as I step out on the porch, JJ starts jogging. Geez, can I get a warm-up walk?
I catch up to JJ and our rhythm matches the beat in the song. I admire the sky as my feet hit the pavement. If I wasn’t so busy trying to keep up with JJ, I might actually stop and dance.
The sky is already periwinkle and no longer dark. I try to recall all the different twilights he told me about, but I can’t quite remember them in the right order.
Sooner than I expect, we are back at the hill. I rest my hands on my knees but then stand up because I remember what he told me about breathing.
“Which twilight is this again?” I say trying to catch my breath.
“We’re in civil, also known as dawn.” He takes a sports bottle and squirts water into his mouth. Then he hands it to me. I take in as much water as I can while still saving him plenty. JJ helps pull me up the hill.
Once we reach the top, I collapse against the tree. I give my breath a few minutes to steady and then I ask JJ, “Why do you think God keeps waking me up at this time?”
JJ stares out at the horizon. “What makes you think it’s God?”
Ever since we were younger, he’d often turn questions around to make me think about things for myself. I had asked myself this question many times and I wasn’t really sure of the answer.
“By now,” JJ says. “It could be that your body is just used to waking up at this time. Therefore, you continue doing it out of habit.”
I don’t truly think that’s what he believes.
As the sun rises, the sky turns into this beautiful gold hue. Gold. Gold birthday. I started waking up like this the day before my Golden Birthday, the day of my birthday and the day after. I’ve been waking up before the break of dawn ever since.
“This time of day,” JJ says quietly. “Is known as the golden hour. It happens at sunset too. It’s the moment when the sun appears to give gold light. It’s a photographer’s best time to take a photo because everything is just right; the lighting, the atmosphere, and the quietness. They all provoke solitude and meditation. We’ve watched this together a few times now. I think you know why you’re waking up at this time.”
Once again, he’s right. If I quit avoiding the obvious, I do know. My mom and dad used to get up at five faithfully to read and pray together. I think I’m supposed to be doing the same.
“No one else my age gets up at this time to read their Bible and pray,” I say.
“How do you know? I’m up.”
That’s true too. He had been getting up just as early even before I started waking up at five. But I was convinced it was just so he could run and now so he could run with me.
“JJ, the playlist you sent me was really good but...I think I’m done with God. I don’t understand Him or Her.”
“Okay,” he says. We watch the sun until it’s fully ascended into the sky. We stay out here a little bit longer than we have in the past and let the sun warm our faces but not too much. He’ll get more freckles and I’ll get sunburn, specifically on my left cheek where my white vitiligo patch shows.
We lay on our backs in the cool grass and bask in the light. The sun gives so much warmth that it feels like a kiss.
I turn my head towards him. “Why’d you make me come out here with you this morning even when I told you I didn’t want to?”
JJ puts his hands behind his head and I am so tempted to lay my head on his chest but instead I focus on those cookie crumb freckles on his nose and cheeks.
“I didn’t make you. I can’t make you do anything. You did that,” JJ says.
“But you were bossy. You told me to get dressed and that’d you be on my porch. I didn’t want to just leave you out there.”
JJ sits up and wraps his arms around his knees. “I’m not giving up on you, Clove. Even if you want to give up on yourself. I’m going to push and pull you out of the dark and into the sunlight.”
All the things he’s saying to me and the way he’s saying them, he’s never done before. He begins to get up and extends his hand so that he can help me. We run all the way back to my neighborhood. When I want to stop and take breaks, JJ encourages me.
Keep going. Come on. You can do this. Breathe. You’re doing wonderful.
These were things JJ kept saying over and over to me until I started saying them to myself. He wouldn’t let me stop running until we finally turned onto my street. I breathed hard, with my hands on top of my head.
“See, you did good even though you didn’t want to. Up top.” JJ puts his hand up for me to slap him a high-five. My high-five is weak compared to the five he gives.
“Once you start doing this consistently, it’ll get better.”
I don’t know if I believe him or if I want to be consistent with this. Using my spare key, I unlock the front door. “Wanna come in? I can make us something to eat.”
“Um, does it involve you cooking?”
I push the door open. “No, it involves cereal, milk, and a spoon.”
He thinks for a moment. “You know, I actually have to do some weight lifting down at Xavier’s. Wanna weight lift?”
What a silly question. I don’t want to lift weights. I want breakfast, water, and sleep. In that order.
“I’ll help you and then we’ll get Xavier to take us back to my house,” JJ says. “We can have breakfast there.”
That does sound like a better idea. My house is empty. Dad’s still out of town and Gram went back home after she stopped by to check on me last night. She wasn’t even here when I got in. Her social life is better than mine. That kinda sucks.
I take JJ up on his offer and we walk side by side to Xavier’s house.
“Are you sure he’s up?”
“Yes, he gets up early as well.” He looks at me with an expression that says I’m supposed to know what that means. And in a way I do but it’s hard to believe both of them get up early to pray or read the Bible.
For the first three minutes or so I watch Xavier and JJ take turns bench pressing. Then it’s my turn. I definitely don’t want to bench press anything. Xavier starts to take off the heavy weights for me.
“No,” I say. “What makes you think I can’t lift what y'all lift? I can handle the weight.”
Xavier and JJ exchange glances and then Xavier slides the weights back on.
I sit on the bench and lay back. He stands above my head to help me lift. “Ready when you are, Princess.”
“Don’t call me Princess, Xave.”
“Fine then. Lift, Clove.”
I push and push and push. Nothing happens. Isn’t he supposed to help me or something?
“You’re not helping. You helped JJ.”
“The heavy lifting was all him. I only made sure that he didn’t drop it in case it got to be too much. How about we start with smaller weights, eh?” Xavier suggests.
“No!” I don’t want the smaller weights. Frustrated, I sit up.
JJ squats down in front of me. “Clove, you have to start small. Small steps equal big change.”
Why is he all philosophical today? Fine. I decide to take the smaller weights and this time JJ helps me lift. We do about three rounds of bench pressing, then push-ups, and lastly pull-ups. I don’t even try to do what the guys do. For the pull-ups, I just hang on the bar.
“Hang in there,” Xavier jokes.
"Lame!” I say and then the three of us start laughing.
After we finish, I decide to walk back home so I can shower. JJ walks back with me and then Xavier is going to take him home.
“No breakfast? I had a green protein smoothie all planned out for you,” JJ grins.
Yuck. “Sounds delicious,” I say flatly. “But I think I better shower first. Maybe we can meet up later and hang out?”
Truthfully, I didn’t want this time with him to end. His hair is wet around the edges and his cheeks are flush from us working out. I’m very tempted to touch his face regardless of how sticky it might be. He makes my heart race and there are butterflies flying everywhere in my stomach. Lately, every time we hang out together, he gives me these feelings. This is how I should’ve felt last night. Trevor gave me no butterflies.
I smile at JJ and he smiles back.
“Spending the entire day with you would be awesome,” he says. “We haven’t done that in a long time.”
“But,” I prod. I can tell that there’s a rebuttal coming. He must be busy, have a date with Tisha or something.
“But,” he echoes. “I have a project to finish and my mom wants me to help clean-up. We have company coming over for the weekend. If I’m not mistaken, I think you’re going to be hanging out with Mom later tonight.”
My eyes widen. This was the first time I was hearing about it. Where are we going? What are we doing? Why am I just now finding out? All these questions must have been written on my face. JJ lightly punches me on the shoulder. “You have questions and I don’t have all the answers. My mom will call you later, okay?”
“Okay.”
JJ begins to back away. He watches me and I watch him. Him walking away from me is like a magnetic force between us—at least it feels that way for me. The farther he gets, the stronger the pull. He must have magnets in his soul.