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Jessa picks me up right after school gets out. The sky has clouded up again. It looks and smells like it’s going to rain any minute.
“It’s alright girl, I got you. You can stay with me for a few days. Your daddy just needs some time to cool off, okay. He’ll still let you go to the college tour. It’s educational and he’s going to want you to see all the campuses so you can pick a school.”
I hear Jessa but the sounds of falling rain feeds into my pain. I used to like cloudy, rainy days. They were great for sitting by a fire and reading a book. Now it’s like the weather tries to mirror my life. Dark, dreary, and depressing.
Jessa keeps talking. “My mama and I have to go somewhere tonight, but you’ll be alright by yourself, right? We won’t be gone long.”
I say nothing.
“Aw Clove, don’t start this again. C’mon talk.”
But I don’t want to.
“You know your nose ring is out, right?”
I nod. I know. I saw in the mirror. Money wasted.
At Jessa’s house, I go straight into her room and fall asleep on her bed. When I wake up, it’s dark outside and my head is pounding. It’s like a loud hammering at my temples. “Jessa.”
My voice comes out ragged and hoarse. My scalp hurts, everything hurts.
“Jessa,” I call again. I’m barely audible. It’s dark in her room so I reach over and turn on a lamp. That’s when I remember Jessa told me she was going somewhere with her mom tonight.
I need medicine, pain killers, something strong because obviously what I took earlier did not work. I hunt through my bag for the pills that I thought I’d packed but they’re not there. Dang it!
Jessa’s doorbell rings. It must be JJ and Xavier coming over to check on me. My head still hurts with every move my feet make. They sound like thunder. When I open the door, JJ’s face is bruised and his lip is cracked with blood.
I let him in. He touches my bruised face and I touch his.
My headache isn’t important anymore because I hate seeing him like this. His pale complexion makes his bruises look worse. I pull him by the hand and into Jessa’s kitchen where I take bags of frozen vegetables out of the freezer. I wrap a bag of corn in a towel and hold it against his jaw. He takes a bag of peas, does the same and holds it against my chin.
I whisper to him. “Baby, what did you do, huh? What’d you get yourself into?”
He looks me in the eyes but doesn’t answer, doesn't show any emotion at me calling him baby for the first time. He continues to hold the vegetables to my face and allows me to do the same for him. I want to kiss all of his bruises. I put the veggies down and so does he. My lips move towards his. We’re drawing in, getting closer, but then he moves his head back.
“Clove, no. Not like this,” he whispers.
I don’t understand. What does he mean not like this? Am I not good enough? Does he not feel what I feel? He has to.
“Not like this... not like this, like this, this, this,” His voice begins to echo in my head and I can’t comprehend what’s happening. Why is there an echo reverberating so loud in the kitchen?
“We can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t,” there are more echoes and his face starts to blur. I try to kiss him so that he doesn’t fade, so that I don’t miss this moment. I kiss him hard not caring about his bruises or his hurt lip. His kisses are soft like satin and so good I drool.
“Clove, what are you doing?”
What does he mean what am I doing? We’re doing this together. I don’t want to waste my time talking when we can just keep kissing. I pull back just a little, “What does it look like I’m doing?”
“Kissing a pillow.”
I open my eyes. My lips are mashed and I’m drooling on a satin-cased pillow. What just happened? Was none of that real? I close my eyes again as if I can go back to wherever I was, but I can’t.
“Girl,” Jessa’s voice says. “What were you dreaming about? Or should I ask who?”
I rub my eyes. I’m in Jessa’s room, the last place I remember falling asleep. Did JJ come over at all? I’m so confused. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.
“Pinch me,” I tell Jessa. She does.
“Ow!” So guess this isn’t a dream.
“Did you already go somewhere with your mom?” I ask her.
She shakes her head. “Not yet, but we’re leaving in a few minutes. Why?”
Strange. “Did JJ get in a fight at school today? Did he and Xavier come over?”
Jessa thinks I’m tripping, and maybe I am.
“Yes,” she answers. “JJ did get in a fight with Trevor in the locker room, but he didn’t come over because he’s grounded. So now both of y'all are suspended for the rest of the week.”
I touch my head with one hand and my chest with the other. JJ got into a fight? How and why’d I just dream that? I hadn’t even checked my phone since I got here. There was no way I could’ve known. I search through my bag for my phone but can’t find it. I think I left it at home.
“Jessa can I see your phone so I can call him?”
Jessa shakes her head and purses her lips. “He’s not going to answer. You know how strict Mrs. Jourdan is. She already has his phone.”
I ask Jessa to tell me everything that happened. She explains what she heard.
“Basically, there’s rumors going around that you let Trevor see your goods. He’s being very crass with the details and is spreading it around school. And of course, you already know JJ and Xavier are very protective of you and me. Needless to say, JJ went to war for you, girl. I wished I was there too cause I woulda jumped Trevor’s behind.”
Jessa wouldn’t have busted a grape in a food fight, but I like her spunk and enthusiasm on this.
Oh my gosh, Clove,” she continues. “You gotta tell me more about the fight between you, Tisha, Mars, and Christa! Did you really fight them all with a wig? I mean, I heard that and I was like...”
My heart beats fast. I’m no longer listening to Jessa. JJ fought Trevor to defend me. Maybe my dreams are wrong. Perhaps he really does feel for me the way I feel for him.
“Jessa,” I say. She keeps going on and on about what she heard with both fights.
“Jessa,” I call again to get her to stop talking. She finally shuts up. “ I have to tell you something and I need you to promise you won’t say a word.”
Jessa eyes widen like she’s about to hear the juiciest gossip she’s ever heard.
“What girl? Tell me. I promise I won’t say a thing,” she says, crossing her heart.
Her saying and doing that gives me doubt, but now I’ve already started this so I have to finish.
“I think, I think I’m in love with JJ.”
I didn’t think Jessa’s eyes could get any bigger but they do. Her mouth drops open. “I knew it!”
***
I’M SUSPENDED FROM school, but Jessa’s mom refuses to let me stay at their house alone. Since I’ve been kicked out of my own house, Jessa’s mom has made a plan with JJ’s mom to keep me busy.
Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday I go over to JJ’s house and I watch Adah while Mama Jourdan runs errands.
Even though JJ is also suspended, we’re kept apart. Mr. Jourdan has been taking JJ to Memphis for work. I have no idea what JJ is doing at his job, but whatever it is, we don’t see or talk to each other for three days. And since I was smart enough to leave my phone at my house, I can’t even call him.
Tuesday and Wednesday were the longest days. I’m eager to get on the bus for the college tour, and that’s only if Dad lets me go.
Mama Jourdan brings me home Thursday afternoon to get some more things for the trip. I ring the doorbell. Gram answers it and hugs me as soon as she sees me. I can tell she doesn’t approve of the way my dad is handling this whole thing.
“Come on in here before your dad gets back. I told Jackson this is stupid. I don’t think you did anything wrong. You defended yourself,” Gram babbles.
She obviously doesn’t know the part where I cursed him, or even how I started the fights. Christa wouldn’t have poured chocolate milk on my head if I hadn’t been with her ex-boyfriend.
“Thanks Gram, but I’m just here to get more clean clothes. You think he’ll let me still go on the trip?”
Gram sighs heavily. “I don’t know. Have you tried apologizing?”
I shake my head. Dad was the one in the wrong. He shouldn’t have kicked me out. He should’ve understood where I was coming from. With everything that I’m going through, why couldn’t he be more understanding?
I go to my room and take my small suitcase down from the shelf. Mama always told me to pack two outfits per day for a trip and always triple up on undergarments. I stuff clothes into my suitcase, not bothering to fold them. Once I have everything I need inside, I sit on it to close it up.
Mama Jourdan and Gram whisper in the living room. I interrupt their conversation when I walk back into the living room. “Gram, have you seen my phone?” I ask her. It’s not on the charging station where we normally have to keep electronic devices.
Gram opens a drawer and gives me my phone. “You might need to charge it and when you do, call your father. I’m sure he’ll still let you go if you apologize. God knows you need to get out of Smalltown even if it’s just for a little while.”
“I’m sure he’ll still let you go, Clove,” Mama Jourdan tells me. “I’ve talked to him. We’re still letting JJ go. It’s educational and y'all need to see other campuses so you can make your decisions.”
Decisions. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life let alone which college to pick. I just wanna go so I can get away from Smalltown for a lil’ bit like Gram said.
I hug Gram and tell her I’ll call her later.