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Jessa shakes me awake. It’s 11:47, almost 30 minutes after the time that we’re supposed to catch the bus. I know that it’s not leaving until midnight, but Dad wants everyone there for a headcount. He believes in being punctual. Early is on time and on time is too late.
Jessa scrambles around the room throwing things in her suitcase. “Clove, I’m so sorry,” she says moving about her room. “I fell asleep too.” She throws things in her bag.
Oh shoot! I forgot to call my dad and ask if I can still attend. I could end up being stuck here while my friends go on a trip without me. I try calling him. The phone rings and then goes to voicemail. Not a good sign. He’s avoiding me. How immature!
Jessa continues to scramble around the room.
“How can I help you?” I ask her.
“Can you grab my toiletries out of the bathroom please?”
I do as she says and take the pre-packed Ziploc bag and stuff it into her backpack. Jessa sits on her expensive suitcase to zip it up.
We get to the church parking lot at ten after midnight. Everyone is already on the bus and Dad stands there with a white Polo jacket, jeans, and a clipboard in his hands. He taps his foot impatiently and glances at his watch.
“Sorry Mr. Daniels,” Jessa speaks first. “We both fell asleep. It’s my fault. I didn’t set my alarm for the right time. It’s not Clove’s fault. She was asleep too and -”
My dad holds up his hand to stop her. “It’s alright,” he says. He hands her a package with all the stuff she’ll need for the weekend. Next, he taps on the bus doors and it opens to let Jessa in.
Dad signals to have the doors close before I can get on and they shut right in my face.
“You’re not going to let me go?”
He folds his arms. People from the bus windows are starting to look. The windows are tinted so I can’t really tell who is who, but I can tell that heads are turned.
“But Dad,” I plead. “I told you I was defending myself and the trip...it’s an educational trip. We’ll be viewing college campuses and you told Mama...”
My voice grows faint as I think about her but I keep going with my statement. “You told Mama that this would be good for me to figure out where I wanna go and narrow down what I wanna do.”
Dad stands firm with his arms crossed. “I did tell her that, but you don’t get to disrespect me as you did. You have yet to apologize.”
“But I didn’t have my phone,” I say. It’s a weak excuse because I could’ve used Jessa’s phone or the phone at the Jourdan’s household at any time. “And you could’ve checked on me. I know you knew where I was. Did you even try to call me?” I’m starting to get in my feelings.
My dad makes a face. “Parents talk. I knew exactly where you were and what you were doing, but don’t get this twisted. You were wrong. I'm not mad about the fighting. I’m talking about what you said to me. You shouldn’t ever fix your mouth to talk to me like that. Not ever.”
I’m going to have to swallow my pride because I know I was wrong for what I said to him.
“I’m sorry,” I finally say.
“For what?”
I try to be serious and not sound sarcastic or unapologetic. “I should not have said what I said to you. I was wrong. But I was-”
Dad holds up a finger, “An apology with a ‘but’ is not an apology.”
“Yes, sir.”
His shoulders come down some. “Look, that apology will only allow you on this trip. When we get back, you betta have it worked out in your mind where you’re going to stay because it’s not with me.”
I gape at him in disbelief.
“Don’t look at me like that. If you wanna make your own rules, get fake ID’s, get your nose pierced, and fight with people, then you can do it while staying at someone else’s house. Not in mine.”
He knocks on the bus doors and they open to let me on. All eyes are on me as I try to find Jessa. My mind is spinning from what he just told me. He’s seriously going to kick me out.
The bus is segregated: girls on one side, boys on the other. I sit next to Jessa. Across from her is Xavier, and JJ who’s already asleep. I wince a little as I see his face. He’s still terribly bruised.
Dad gets in front of the bus and goes over rules for the trip...again.
Boys and girls on separate sides.
No loud talking on cell phones.
Stay with your chaperone.
No wandering off without a chaperone or without letting them know where you’re going.
My dad gives me a steel glare when he says the last rule and I try to sink down in my seat. The bus takes off as soon as Dad sits down. Everyone’s tablets and phone create glow of light.
I’m hungry. I think I slept through dinner and my stomach rumbles. I didn’t remember to pack any snacks so I turn on the overhead light and read a book.
***
AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR, the bus is quiet and not as lit up as before. I’m tired of reading. I return my book to my bag. My fingers touch the journal from Dr. O’dea. I think about writing another poem when my phone vibrates.
Jessa: Wuts up wit u and J?
Jessa texts me even though we’re sitting right next to each other but I suppose this really isn’t something we want to discuss even in a whisper.
Me: We haven’t talked to each other.
Jessa: Y not? y'all need to talk. I think it’s sweet u think you’re in love with him.
What does she mean by think? I mean, I guess I don’t know for sure. Maybe I’m not. That dream kind of had me shook and then with all the nice things he’d been doing for me, just seems like...I don’t know. It’s confusing.
Me: I’ve always loved him. I love all of you. U’re my friends.
Jessa: It’s diff with u and J. I can tell.
Me: not to change subs, but what ever happened with u n Trevor?
I told Jessa what had happened when I went into the room with Trevor but she still hadn’t shared what happened between the two of them. Every time I brought it up, she said it was nothing, but I still don’t believe her.
Jessa: I told u nothing.
Me: I don't believe that.
Jessa: If u didn’t believe it, y did u go out with him anyway?
She has a point but unfortunately, I don’t have an answer, at least not a good one.
Me: Guess I was into him being into me or pretending that he was
Jessa: He’s def a pretender.
Jessa’s holding something back.
Me: Jess, 4real, what do u know?
I can see her fingers hovering over the keyboard as she thinks about telling me.
Jessa: We met a couple of years ago over the summer at band camp. I thought we had something going, but when we got back to school he acted brand new.
I try not interrupt and let her keep going, but she’s taking so long to give me all the information.
Jessa: Don’t judge me.
Me: Never
Jessa: We hooked up. Pls don’t tell anyone.
I think about what “hooked up” she means. Does she mean hooked up sex? Or hooked up like they were a couple? Surely they didn’t do the former, she would’ve told me sooner. Right?
Jessa: Sex, Clove. We had sex.
Ohhhh. That is what she meant. Dang. She waited two years to tell me this? Why?
Me: Y didn’t u tell me? Y’d u let me bother talking to him.
Jessa: I told u to be careful.
That’s not what I meant. I meant why didn’t she tell me she slept with him and that he might potentially try to do the same with me. Isn’t that the kind of thing best friends do?
Jessa: U hav 2 make ur own decisions and it really wasn’t something I wanted to talk about. I was his first he was mine. It was an awful experience.
Me: Y?
Jessa: Don’t wanna talk about it anymore. Pls drop it.
Me: Ok. Im sorry.
Jessa: Don’t be. I’m all the way over it. Not into him even a little bit but I knew that u were. My advice, wait to have sex.
Me: For how long?
Jessa: It should be with someone who loves u. Real love. Don’t do what I did.
I don’t know exactly what she did, but I leave it alone. Jessa’s phone goes dark. She wraps herself in her blanket and leans her head on the pillow that she has against the window.
Welp. She’s done talking for tonight. I can’t believe Jessa never told me about her and Trevor. I still have so many questions, but I guess they’ll have to go unanswered for now.
I close my eyes and try to sleep but I can’t. My phone vibrates in my lap.
JJ: U up?
Me: No
He sends me an eye-rolling emoticon and I smile.
Me: How have u been? Long time no see.
JJ: Was going to ask u the same.
Me: Got in a fight with Tisha n Christa, got suspended. Ur turn
JJ: Lol! I understand Christa but y Tisha?
I hesitate to tell him the truth. I was hoping he’d figured it out by now but I guess he didn’t know she was using him.
Me: She was using u to get a good grade.
It takes him a moment to text back.
JJ: I know.
He knows?
Me: U know? How do u know? What does that mean?
JJ: Don’t b mad, but we made a deal. I let her see my notes and help her pass, she had to be nice to u.
I want to be angry but I can’t. Why would he stoop to her level? Why would he even pretend to be interested in her just so she would be nice to me? I’ve never known anyone to do something so...so...out of the ordinary. Why is everyone pretending?
JJ: U’re mad at me aren’t u?
Me: Idk what I am. Y wud u do that for me?
JJ: Who says I did it 4 u? Maybe I did it bc I hated how she talked to u
Me: Some ppl u just can’t change, After spring break, Tisha will still be Tisha.
JJ: Not trying to change her, just wanted to give u a break.
This adds another butterfly to my stomach.
Me: And Trevor?
JJ: What about him?
Me: Y’d u fight with him
JJ: Not playing this game. U know exactly y. Stop acting like Jess didn’t blab everything to u
She did, but she didn’t. I think I know why he got in a fight, but I want him to tell me.
Me: U don’t even know the truth. What if what he was saying was right?
JJ doesn’t text back right away. I wonder what he’s thinking. I can only imagine what Trevor must have said to the other guys in the locker room. It makes me feel stupid all over again.
JJ: It’s not my business what u do behind closed doors I guess, but...
Me: but?
JJ: The things he said, shouldn't be said about any woman/girl/lady
Me: U didn’t have to do that.
JJ: Yes I did.
Me: Thank you
It seems like the best thing to say to him before I blurt out my feelings prematurely. I put my phone away and take out my journal. All these feels...I gotta write them down and turn them into something poetic.