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“Clove, you can do this if you want to but just remember no one is forcing you. Forgiveness is good, but take one step at a time.” Xavier reminds me. I nod. I’ve decided to visit the family of the drunk driver regardless that our lawyers advised against it.
“I just wanna give them these cookies, that’s all,” I say, bouncing the container of cookies on my lap anxiously.
After my baking fiasco yesterday, I'd decided to wait until today to bake again. It’s a partly, cloudy Tuesday afternoon. As much as I’ve been watching the sky, I feel like I could dabble in meteorology.
Xavier speaks again, “Have you even thought about what you’re going to say? You can’t exactly walk up to the little girl and say, ‘Hey, your mom crashed into my mom and that’s why your mom’s in jail'.”
I know that I can’t say that. I’d thought about it as I waited on these cookies to come out of the oven but I came up with nothing.
The sky changes from sunny to cloudy and back to sunny as Xavier turns into the neighborhood. I don’t know what’s going to happen, with the weather or with these kids.
Xavier parks his car in front of a small, red, brick house with a handicap ramp going up the steps. There’s a big tree with a tire swing attached. Toys are all over the yard, patches of grass are missing and tin pans surround a pile of mud. The house next to it has a broken window and the screen door is just a frame without netting.
I lean my head back against the seats of Xavier’s 87 Oldsmobile Cutlass. “You want me to come with you?” he asks.
I chew on my lip. “No, I wanna do this by myself.”
His hand touches my shoulder. “Clove, you don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to do this at all.”
That’s the same thing my dad had said. “What you’re doing is commendable,” Dad told me before we left, “But...I...I’m sorry I’m just not ready. Forgive me. It’s going to take me a little more time.”
I understood and wasn’t mad at him. JJ was busy doing some things with his family and Jessa just wanted to be alone today, so I called Xavier and asked if he could drive me.
I walk up the ramp to the front porch and search for a doorbell. There isn’t one so I open the screen door and knock three times. I wait for what seems like several minutes but it’s probably more like a few seconds.
I know they’re in there because I hear them. I knock again. Finally, a man that sort of resembles my dad opens the door. He’s wearing a wife beater, dark jeans, and carrying a baby about the same size as JJ’s sister.
His face is unshaven and he looks like he could use some sleep. The baby boy has light blonde, curly hair and brown eyes. His onesie pajamas are worn down on the bottom. He chews a pacifier and watches me carefully.
“Yes, how can I help you?” The man asks. “Um...I’m Clove...Daniels. I um...” I search for more words but I can’t find any to say.
His eyes show recognition of my name. Another child comes to the door. She’s almost identical to the baby boy but with unkempt hair around her head. Her eyes are a dull brown and seem to have a glaze over them. She holds on to the bottom of the man’s shirt while staring past me.
“Hi,” she waves at my stomach. “Who is it Daddy?”
The dad extends his other hand to me as if we’re going to shake, but then he thinks better of it and puts his hand back down. “Almond, why don’t you go play in the yard for a moment while I talk to the lady here, alright?”
“Yes, Daddy,” she says and lets go of his shirt, using her hands to guide her to the handicap ramp. She uses the rail to help her walk down and then jumps when she gets to the end.
Xavier's windows are tinted but I know he's watching.
“What are you doing here?” the father asks me. He sounds more curious than angry. I stumble to find the reason why; a reason that he might understand. “Well see, I...um...”
Cookies Clove. Give him the cookies. I extend my arms out. “My mama was a baker. She worked at the bakery downtown, Kate Cakes and Coffee. And so I...I baked some of her cookies from a recipe book she had and I wanted to bring them over. I was trying to um... I was trying to...but...I...”
None of my words are coming together and I’m tearing up. This may have been one step too big. The guy takes the cookies. “I’m Steven,” he says. “Would you like to come in?”
I shake my head and pinch the bridge of my nose to try to keep the tears from falling. It doesn’t work. Why do I keep crying in the moments that I really don’t want to?
“No, I’m sorry, I thought I could do this but I can’t. Sorry to bother you.” I turn around and almost trip down the steps.
“Wait, wait,” Steven calls after me.
My feet stop but I don’t turn around.
“You don’t have to say anything. Just listen,” Steven says. “I can’t explain why my wife did what she did because I really don’t know. I feel like an apology isn’t good enough. But I appreciate your heart. I’m glad you’re trying to forgive.”
I wipe my eyes and watch the little girl guiding her hand along the wired fence. She steps on a twig and then picks it up, using it to make noise against the fence.
“Thanks for the cookies. Almond liked going to the downtown bakery. Your Mama used to give her a free cookie if she could figure out where they were in the glass case. She always kept them in the same spot so Almond would know exactly where they were. Honey would give her a free cookie every time.”
They knew my mom. They’d actually met her and spoke with her. Mama knew this child. How ironic.
Almond tries to twirl around. She does it once, then falls. “Daddy!” she calls and looks around like she’s trying to find her bearings.
“I’m over here,” Steven says. “What’d I tell you about spinning? It throws you off.”
My mind is trying to wrap my head around what I’m seeing. Is she blind? Almond gets up and walks with her arms extended. She finds my leg first.
“Sorry,” she says.
Steven reaches out for her. “Hey sweetie, guess what? You know those cookies you like from the bakery? This lady brought us some.”
Steve hands her the container of cookies and she carefully opens them. She sniffs. “Mmmmmm Ginger Molasses Cookies! My favorite!” she grins. Her little hands touch my arm and then she does something I don’t expect. She hugs me very tight.
“Thank you, Miss Honey. I miss you at the shop,” she says into my waist. “I thought you left. I miss your cookies. I miss your voice.”
I cover my mouth. My tears are unstoppable. I stoop down to hug her.
“You smell pretty,” Almond says. “Remember you said you’d take me skating one day. When are we gonna go? Will I meet your daughter? Will she teach me to skate?”
I close my eyes. God, I see you. I know what you’re doing. I take a deep breath.
“Of course,” I tell her sweetly. “But guess what? I’m not Honey, I’m her daughter, Clove. Would you like to go skating with me tonight?”
She grins the brightest grin and jumps up and down. Some of the cookies fly out and fall to the ground. “Daddy, can I go? Can I go today?”
Steven looks at me sympathetically. “You don’t have to do that, she—”
“I want to. You can drive her there to meet me.”
Almond is still jumping with anticipation. “Please Daddy, please!”
“Are you sure?” Steven asks me.
“I’m very sure. Six o’clock, ok? I won’t keep her out late.”
Steven shrugs. “Ok then. I’ll meet you there at that time. Can you take my number in case you change your mind?”
I won’t change my mind but I pull out my phone anyway. After I get Steven’s info, Almond hugs my legs and I pat her back.
“See you soon,” I say.
She waves at me and continues waving until we drive away.