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JJ drives me to the skating rink. In my arms are the skates that my mom had given me. I had only worn them once to try on. I’d taken them out of the crushed-up box and put them in a reusable grocery bag. I wasn’t one hundred percent sure I’d even wear the skates. If I’m teaching Almond to do this for the first time, I’d probably just need to walk.
When Almond arrives, she can hardly keep still. “This is awesome,” she shouts. “It smells like food and sort of like feet.”
“That’s the same thing I said,” JJ mumbles.
Almond turns in the direction of his voice. “Who are you?”
JJ bends down to her level. “I’m Jonah, but you can call me JJ. And who might you be?”
“Almond. Mr. JJ, can I touch your hair? It’ll help me get to know you.”
“Sure.” He leans his head forward and she immerses her little hands into his hair. He has it down and not pulled up today. She feels his face and touches his glasses.
“Almond, you’re going to dirty up his glasses,” her dad says.
Almond withdraws her hand. “Sorry. You smell good though. Like soap and sunshine.”
That’s it! That’s exactly what he smells like. “Almond,” I say. “I’ve been trying to figure out that scent for years and I think you’ve done it in less than one minute.”
“Well he does. Smells just like a sunny day. Anyway, let’s get some skates! I’m ready! I was born ready! Let’s roll!”
Let’s roll, Mama used to say the same thing. I take Almond’s hand and guide her through the rink and over to the rentals. We get her size and her dad puts on her skates.
“Aren’t you going to skate, Clove?” she asks.
“Maybe later. I’m going to help you first.”
Her dad intervenes. “It may help if she can use her hands to feel how your feet move in the skates, but it’s up to you.”
I eye the bag on the table. Carefully, I pull out my skates. JJ hadn’t seen them but he admires them as I take them out. They are really nice skates. I put my feet in them and lace up the red strings. They’re a little tight, but I’m sure my feet will adjust.
“Ok Almond, sit down in front of me and I’m going to guide your hands to the top of my skates.”
She sits on the ground and finds my skates by herself. “What do they look like?” she asks.
“They’re white with red laces. Each wheel is a different color in the rainbow. Do you know the rainbow colors?’
“Yes. ROY G BIV. Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet. But that’s only seven colors don’t you need eight wheels?”
Clever girl. I tell her that the last wheel is pink and that seems to excite her. I instruct Almond to keep her hands on top of my skates and I begin to move them in the rhythm for skating. Left then right. I move them in a zigzag pattern so she can tell what she needs to do on the skate floor.
After a while, she tells me she’s ready to try on her own.
JJ has put skates on as well. We take Almond’s hands and lead her out onto the floor.
***
“CLOVE, I AM SO PROUD of you,” JJ tells me after we leave the skating rink. “That took courage and selflessness.”
“Thanks,” I say, though I wasn’t doing it for the accolades. For the most part I was thinking like Dad told me. What would Mama do if she were here? How can I honor her instead of falling into a place of hopelessness? I don’t want to be a victim. That’s all I had been thinking.
“You’re welcome,” he says.
We’re silent so I turn on the radio. A country music song that I recognize comes on. JJ pushes a button to change the station. I change it back and he begins to smile. “The person driving has listening rights.”
“You made that up,” I say. I push the button and put it back on the country song.
He changes it again. “No, I did not. Ask anyone and they will tell you the same.”
I push the button again but now the song is going off. “JJ, see what you did? Now I can’t listen to it.”
“Why do you like that song? Do you even know what it’s about?”
This makes me blush again because I don’t want to tell him it’s about a girl who falls for her best friend. She loves him but she’s not sure if he loves her too.
I fold my arms over my chest. “If you wouldn’t have kept changing the station you would’ve found out. Now you’re sorry outta luck.”
He stops at a traffic light and smirks at me. “Chloe Love Daniels. Are you being sassy with me?”
I suck my cheeks in and shift my body towards the window. JJ is my only friend that knows the story of how I got the name Clove. It’s because my parents couldn’t decide on Chloe or Love, so they mixed the two.
Once we arrive at my house, he opens my door even though we’re in his mom’s car and not his dad’s car with the jammed door.
I step out and begin to walk past him, but he catches my hand. He doesn’t have to yank or pull. I come right back to him with ease, letting him hold my hand. I shiver even though the night air is crisp and slightly warm. It’s my favorite kind of night, starry sky, no clouds, and a big bright moon. JJ leans against the car and we both gaze at the sky. He knows the constellations. I don’t. I find the whole star mapping thing confusing but the sky sure is beautiful.
“Amazing how one sky can showcase so many things, right?” he says.
“Yeah.”
“It is also amazing that you think I had not heard that song before.”
I begin to smile and bring my head back down. I have so many mixed emotions that I don’t know what to do.
“So you know then,” I say.
“What do I know?”
“How I think I feel about you.”
He lets go of my hand and my heart feels like it’s beating inside of my throat. JJ runs his hands through his hair.
“You think or you know?” he asks.
This question is tougher than it seems and my answer doesn’t come right away.
JJ gives a half smile and then nods slowly. “I have a confession to make,” he says, standing up straight.
“Yes.” I’m hoping he’ll say three little words.
“You have been so lost these past couple of months that I thought I was losing you. You’re my best friend and I can’t stand to see you hurting. My goal was to help—”
“Help me what?” I interrupt.
“You didn’t let me finish. My goal was to help you get back to you. Get back to God and stop hating him so much, because He didn’t do this. You know that right? He didn’t take your mom away.”
I sigh. I know that now. I’d learned to stop blaming God for the accident. It was Almond’s mom who was at fault. My dad had reminded me to hate the sin, not the sinner.
“What do you mean by goal? Was I some kind of project for you?”
“Not at all. I was trying to help you push past your pain because that’s what friends do for each other.”
It feels like at times we’ve been more than friends. This whole speech here isn't helping. I’m more confused than I was before. I rub my forehead. “JJ, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that...” He pauses to crack his knuckles. This delay is giving me anxiety.
“What exactly do you mean?” I rephrase my question.
His Adam's apple bobs up and down. “I think we should remain friends. This just isn’t the right time for us to be more than that. You’re still grieving. I mean, you’re going to always grieve, but right now, I think it would be very unfair of me to want a relationship with you when you’re not whole.”
“You think I’m broken?” I’m getting angry.
JJ holds up both hands. “Clove, please, hear me out. Don’t get mad. I’m just saying that right now isn’t a good time. You couldn’t even answer my first question, which was do you think you know how you feel or do you know how you feel. You’re not ready.”
“Don’t tell me what I’m ready for!”
JJ reaches out for me again, but I yank away. “Don’t touch me! You’re confusing me!”
Hurt spreads across his face. I’m somewhat contrite because I shouldn’t have yelled at him but there are so many questions I need answers to. “Why’d you hold my hand? Why do you look at me the way you do? Why do you keep saying such nice things? Wake up early in the morning to run with me and spend time with me? Why, huh? Is this a game? Am I a broken puzzle piece you feel like you need to put back together?”
Shoot! For the umpteenth time this week, my eyes water. I turn away from him.
“Clove, please listen. I-”
“Just go. Leave me alone.” I feel so dumb again. Dumb and humiliated.
I’m so frustrated that I can’t get the key through the lock fast enough. I fumble with them and then they fall to the ground. I bend over to pick them up and water drops from my eyes.
With blurry vision, I make it inside the house. I lean my back against the door and slide all the way down to the floor. What is wrong with me? One minute I’m all in love and dreaming about kissing him, the next, I talk myself out of falling for him. Then when I finally get the chance to say how I feel out loud, I stall. Why?
Everything he said is true. I don’t know what I want and I shouldn’t say anything until I do know.