I can’t believe it’s almost time.
My heart is racing so fast with nerves and excitement, but I know the moment I see Trent standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me, the anxiety will vanish.
Or so I hope.
I woke up this morning feeling like I could sleep for twenty hours because I was far too excited to get any rest. From the moment we got engaged, we started planning the details of the wedding. The past six months have been consumed by wedding favors, cake flavors, and catering dishes. Now the day is finally here.
I slept over at my parents’ house last night in the same bedroom I grew up in, and I’m pretty sure that’s part of the reason I couldn’t sleep well. I’m used to being in bed with Trent and hearing his cell go off at random times for emergencies. But it was only for one night, and after today, we’ll spend every night together.
“Kiki.” I hear my dad’s voice and three soft knocks on my door. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah, Dad.”
He opens it and smiles. “I made breakfast. Your favorite.”
“Eggs Benedict with smoked salmon?” I ask.
“Of course! Would I make my Kiki anything else?”
Smiling, I walk toward my dad and wrap my arms around him. “Thanks, Dad. That sounds so good right now.” I laugh, knowing I won’t have time to eat much throughout the day between getting ready, taking pictures, thanking the guests for coming, and then, of course, the dance.
“You ready for today?” he asks as I walk with him to the kitchen. I’m still in my pajamas, but I know Jessica and Emily will be here shortly to start getting ready.
“I think so…I’m excited. Anxious and nervous, too. But it feels surreal that today is the day,” I admit, taking a seat at the table.
Mom comes barging in, rushing to give me a hug. “You’re going to break a bone, Mom,” I tease, willing her to loosen her grip.
“You’re glowing.” She kisses my forehead. “I can’t believe my baby is getting married and going to have babies of her own soon.”
“Mama…” I warn with a grin. “Can we get through the honeymoon first before you start naming my future children?”
“I’ll give you through breakfast. That’s it.” She makes three plates before setting them down in front of us. “Make sure you fill up. I barely ate on my wedding day,” she reminds me like she has a handful of times already.
“I will. It smells delicious.” I smile at my dad, thankful for these last moments with my parents before the house is jam-packed with the wedding party.
Since the ceremony is on the hill, the bridesmaids are coming here to finish getting ready and help me get dressed. The groomsmen will show up dressed and ready to go, but they’ll most likely do some pre-ceremony drinking and take pictures beforehand. But as per tradition, Trent and I won’t see each other until I walk down the aisle.
After I get out of the shower, Emily and Jessica come over and start gushing about every little detail. I just want to sit back and soak it all up.
My hairdresser and makeup artist arrive shortly after. I decide to have my hair pulled back in a modest low bun with some loose strands framing my face. The veil is pinned into my bun and drapes down my back.
“Oh my goodness,” my mother squeals. “That veil looks stunning on you.” She leans in to kiss my cheek.
“Thanks, Mama.” I smile sweetly, knowing she’s so proud of me. “I already know you’re going to be the most beautiful bride in the world.”
Her comment makes me laugh, but I thank her anyway.
My makeup artist applies a more natural look, but she gives me red lips and puts a glowing bronzer on my cheeks.
“Now…” Katie says, flicking an eyeshadow brush between her fingers. “Do you trust me?” I want to say yes, but the mischievous grin on her face tells me otherwise.
“I’m not sure…” I tease hesitantly. “Why?”
“Well, I want to do a purple hue for your eyes. It’s a great color for green eyes, but I’ll blend it nicely with a cream shadow. I promise it’ll look elegant with a small pop of color.”
“Ooh, I love that idea!” Emily blurts out. “That’d look so pretty with your hair too.”
I sigh, knowing I won’t win a battle with these two anyway. “Okay, I trust you!” I smile. “Purple is my favorite color anyway, so let’s do it!”
Katie finishes my makeup, and soon everyone is freaking out, eagerly waiting for me to put on my dress to complete the whole look.
“Okay, I’m coming out,” I announce from the bathroom.
I open the door, lifting my dress slightly to step out and wait for their approvals.
“Wow…”
“Oh my God!”
“Stunning!”
A round of compliments echo throughout the room, and I’m close to tearing up at the way they’re all admiring me.
“I can’t believe it,” I say when I study myself in the full-length mirror. “It’s really happening.”
Emily wraps her arms around my waist and hugs my back. “You deserve all the happiness in the world, Kiera. I’m so excited for you.”
I place my hand over hers and squeeze. “I love you. Thank you again.” We smile at each other in the mirror.
“Oh! I need my garter. Would you mind grabbing my purse from my truck?”
“Yeah, absolutely!” She pats my shoulder. “Don’t forget your boots,” she reminds me.
I head back to the bathroom where I left them and wait for her return. “Here ya go.” She hands me my bag. “Want help?”
“No, I got it. Would you mind giving me a minute, though?” I ask, needing a few to myself before it’s time to go.
“No problem, babe. Holler if you need me.”
Reaching to the bottom, I dig for the garter I stuffed in there last night and pull it out along with a cream envelope I didn’t know was inside. I quickly slide the garter over my boot and up my leg to my thigh before I settle it into place.
“What is this?” I mutter to myself. The envelope is sealed, and only my name is written on the front. For a moment, I wonder if Trent slipped it in here before I left yesterday as a surprise.
Once I rip it open and pull out the note, I glance over the handwriting and know it’s not from him.
Dear Kiera,
This letter is long overdue, but now that you’re engaged, I have no choice but to let you go. I know you’ve never been mine, but you’ve been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and it feels like an era is about to end.
When we were just teenagers and Tanner asked you out, and you looked at me before telling him yes, I knew then that you’d always have my heart, no matter what. Tanner had you, but you were always mine. He was the best fit for you—I always knew that—but it didn’t make things easier especially seeing you two together all the time. It killed me. I loved you, but he was the better pick for you.
Tanner and I had a history. He was one of my best friends too, but he’s always had a better head on his shoulders. Straight-A student, never in trouble, from a family of doctors and therapists, and was already writing his valedictorian speech two years before graduation. Hell, I think he already wrote his college essays before our sophomore year of high school. He was exactly the type of guy you deserved, so I never intervened. I watched on the sidelines as Tanner took you out on dates to dances and special romantic dinners. I helped him plan most of them because I knew all your likes and dislikes. Every gift, every movie suggestion, every birthday card he wrote you—I helped him because you deserved the best.
You still deserve the best, Kiera.
I knew growing up that all I’d amount to is being a rancher. It’s all I’ve known, and I’ve always been passionate about horses and riding. I love what I do, so I don’t regret the choices that led me here, but in my heart, I knew you deserved more than I could ever offer. You deserved to be shown the world, to travel and explore, to live a life without reservations.
A struggling, overworked rancher would never be able to give you that, Kiera. I’m a selfish man; I realize that, but there was always one thing I couldn’t be selfish about, and that was you. Even at fifteen years old, I knew that. You’ll always be the one that got away, and I’ll always be the dumbass who let you.
I want nothing more in life than for you to be happy. Your happiness is all that’s ever mattered to me, and if marrying Trent makes you happy, then I’ll know I did right by keeping my distance.
I hope you know how much I love you, how much I’ve always loved you, and that everything I did was always for you, even if it seemed like the opposite at times. I’ve done a lot of stupid shit and things I’m not proud of. Getting into fights, one-night stands, being arrested, caught stealing, driving without a license—but hurting you will always be my biggest regret. I did most of that stupid shit to numb the pain I felt, and though it’s no excuse, I’m still so fucking sorry I ever hurt you. There were times when the disappointment was so evident on your face that I wanted to drink a six-pack of beer and then hit every empty bottle over my head until I passed out. It was the only way to keep you from having feelings or waiting for me, and I hated myself for it.
I know I’ve rambled a lot and as you can probably guess, I’ve had a few beers and shots, but it was the only way I could let myself be vulnerable enough to write this.
It’s time to let you go. I need to. You’re not mine, but I’ll always be yours.
My heart will absolutely shatter watching you marry another man, but I’ve earned it. You deserve all the happiness, Kiera. Even if I’m not the reason for it.
I was never the right guy for you, but you were always the right girl for me.
I will always love you, Kiera.
—Jackson
Most of the letter is covered in my tears before I even finish reading the last word.
My throat is burning while I try holding back the sobs that are threatening to release.
I can’t believe this. I can’t believe him.
How? Why?
I don’t know how to feel. I want to be so mad at him right now. But a part of me—the part that’s always been reserved for him—is breaking. I’ve waited over fifteen years for Jackson, and before that kiss last night, I was certain the feelings weren’t mutual.
Some part of me had always wished and wondered while dissecting every little sign. Then he’d have another random girl on his arm, and I figured I imagined it all.
But that kiss.
I’d never been kissed like that before. It was nothing like our first kiss, which was sweet and a little awkward. No, this kiss had every built-up emotion over the past decade poured into it. It was intense and filled with hunger. I’ve dreamt about his lips and hands on me for as long as I can remember. Even when I tried to stop loving him, dated other guys, fell in love with other people, left for college to get over him—it never worked. I continued to fantasize about how it’d feel to just have Jackson for one night. I knew I’d be risking my heart, but a part of me always believed I’d rather have experienced him once than not at all.
Except after he kissed me against the barn last night, I felt anger. Anger that all those feelings were bubbling to the surface again. Anger that he could still have that effect on me after the way he’s treated me. Anger that I didn’t stop it sooner but also because I stopped it at all.
My feelings are so fucking messed up that I can’t sort them out anymore.
God. How could he do this to me? I don’t know when he wrote this letter, but he mentions me being engaged, which means it was within the past six months. How could he say all these beautiful things and say he wants me to be happy, but then drop this bomb the morning of my wedding day?
Just like I said last night, he’s a selfish, self-centered, asshole. Why wait until this moment? Doesn’t he know he’s hurting me now more than ever?
My heart rate pulsates in my wrist as I hold the letter tightly between my fingers. The mixed feelings and emotions flowing through me have me feeling nauseous.
“Kiera, you okay in there?”
“Just feeling a little queasy. I’ll be okay. Be right out.”
“What’s wrong?” Emily barges in without knocking, and I quickly scramble to fold the letter up.
“Nothin’, just needed a few minutes alone. To calm my nerves and all.” I keep my eyes locked on hers in hopes she doesn’t notice how weird I’m acting.
“What’s that?” She reaches for the envelope that has my name written across it. Before she can grab it, I hurry and shove it into my boot.
“What’s goin’ on?” She folds her arms over her chest and narrows her eyes at me. “You look strange.”
“It was just a letter from Trent,” I lie, hating that I’m being dishonest to my best friend, but I can’t get into this with her right now. Not minutes before we’re supposed to leave.
“Aww…that’s sweet! Better be all about how damn lucky he is to be marrying you while promising you the world,” she teases, smiling wide with pride.
“It was.” I choke back a sob as I think about the letter and the truths it held. How am I supposed to do this right now?
“Okay, I need to go meet everyone up the hill. You okay? Want me to stay behind until you have to come up?” Emily asks.
“I’m great! I promise! It’s just really starting to settle in, and I’m getting emotional, but I swear I’m ready.” Standing up, I grab my handkerchief and dab under my eyes. “You go ahead. Dad and I will be up shortly.”
“Okay.” Emily smiles, placing her hands on my bare shoulders. “I love you. Enjoy this moment, okay? Everything goes by so fast, but it’s all going to be beautiful and perfect.”
Her words are music to my ears and just what I needed to hear. “I love you too. Thank you again. I’m so lucky to have you by my side for this.”
She pulls me in for a tight hug before releasing me and grabbing her bouquet. “Meet you up there,” she says over her shoulder, giving me an encouraging wink.
After taking a few minutes to calm my nerves, I stand and head out of the bathroom.
“Kiki…” My dad’s deep voice startles me as he opens my bedroom door. “You look stunning, sweetheart.”
“Thank you, Dad.” I smile. “It’s hard not to feel beautiful in this dress.”
“I wasn’t talking about the dress.” He winks. “You ready for your chariot to take you up? Your groom is waiting.” He holds his arm out for me to take.
“I’m ready.”
My mother comes in and smiles. She’s so damn happy. Inhaling a deep breath, I walk with Dad to his truck and hop in with Mom behind me to stuff my dress inside.
“Meet you up there, baby. I love you.” Mom kisses my cheek before shutting the door. She’s driving up with my uncle who’s going to usher her down the aisle before the wedding party.
Dad starts the truck and drives us there. Butterflies swarm in my stomach, and my nerves are so intense, I hope I can calm down before the “Wedding March” starts playing.
As soon as we park, I see Emily and Trent’s brother getting ready to walk down. Riley and Elizabeth are with Jessica, and as soon as she directs them to start, I know that’s my cue to get ready.
My dad and Jessica come to my side and help me out. “You look amazing,” she tells me, and I smile in return. I’m not sure any words would come out even if I opened my mouth and tried.
Jessica hands me my bouquet, and I grip it tightly, feeling my palms sweat as she fans out my train and brushes her hands along the skirt. The orchestra is still playing, and I know once the next song starts, it’ll be my turn.
“You ready for this?” Jessica whispers.
“Yeah, I’m good.” I suck in a deep breath.
I link my arm through my dad’s and watch as Jessica motions for the orchestra to wrap it up. The “Wedding March” begins, and my heart drops. It’s time.
As we make our way toward the front, everyone stands, and as soon as my eyes land on Trent, a wide smile spreads across my face.
He looks so damn handsome, and the nerves start to slowly fade away as he focuses all his attention on me. I try soaking it all in and smile as we walk toward Trent. My attention is glued to him while our guests watch me. My dad clasps my hand that’s on his arm, and when I look up at him, and our eyes meet, I can see how proud of me he is.
As I stand next to my dad at the end of the aisle, I lock eyes with Trent again and see a smug expression I don’t understand. It’s then that I look at the groomsmen lined up and notice Jackson isn’t there.
Oh my God.
The kiss. The letter. And now he’s not here.
My throat goes dry and tight. Where the hell is he?
The pastor speaks as soon as the orchestra finishes, but I don’t hear what he says because my mind is spinning out of control. Why would Jackson do this to me? Why would he wait for this moment to tell me his true feelings? I can’t sort these thoughts out, and when my father speaks up to give me away, my heart thumps so damn hard in my chest as if to protest it all. Deep down, I know this isn’t right. My gut instinct over the past few months hits me harder now more than ever. I’ve ignored a lot of it, hoping the stress of the wedding planning was giving me these doubts, but now I know for sure.
Once I pass my bouquet to Emily, Trent takes my hand and leads me to the front where the pastor is standing. I start to panic as the realization that I can’t do this hits me. I can’t do this without Jackson here.
John’s standing with Maize in his arms, and he’s watching me. Our eyes meet, and I give him a questioning look, and as if he knows exactly what I’m silently asking, he shakes his head with a frown and shrugs.
Pastor Montgomery directs the guest to be seated with a smile.
“Welcome to the nuptials of Trent Laken and Kiera Young. It’s a gorgeous day for a wedding and an outside ceremony. I can feel the love surrounding this couple, and I have no doubt that even if was raining out, they’d be up here exchanging their vows. Now, me, on the other hand, I’d be requesting a rather large umbrella.”
The guests’ laughs echo throughout, but I can barely process his words. I should be thinking about Trent and our future together. Instead, all I’m thinking about is Jackson and how much of a mistake it’d be to marry Trent when I’m not one hundred percent positive this is what I want.
“I’m sorry…” I blurt out over the pastor’s words.
“What?” Trent’s head snaps toward me. “What’s wrong, Kiera?” he whispers.
Blinking, I look at him before releasing his hands, and my arms fall to my sides. “I’m so sorry, Trent. I can’t do this.” The words roughly come out as I try to hold my composure and not cry. I can’t believe what I’m saying right now.
“Kiera, what are you talkin’ about?” he firmly asks, leaning in so the guests can’t hear our words.
I lick my lips and inhale a deep breath. “I can’t marry you.”
Before he can respond, I grab ahold of my dress and walk away.
I can feel everyone’s gaze on me as I run down the aisle, and it’s not until I hit the bottom of the hill that the tears roll down my cheeks at the realization of what I just did.
“Kiera!” I hear Emily yell behind me. “Kiera, wait!”
I look over my shoulder and see a panicked and worried Emily as I rush toward the gravel driveway. She’s going to kill me for this; I already know. What I just did is unforgivable, but I couldn’t follow through with it without talking to Jackson first.
“Kiera, take my keys,” she shouts. Turning to face her, she rushes toward me and hands me a set of keys. “Take Evan’s truck. It’s over there.” She points behind me.
“How’d you know?”
“I knew the second I saw your face in the bathroom, and then when Jackson left…let’s just say I had a gut feeling.” She flashes a small, sympathetic smile. “I’ll take care of everything here. Don’t worry.”
“Thank you.” I quickly wrap my arms around her, then run over to the truck before guests begin to leave. I’m sure Trent and my family are humiliated, and I know I’ll have to deal with that soon enough, but right now, I need to find Jackson.