FOUR MONTHS BEFORE THE WEDDING
“Whiskey, neat.”
“You got it, handsome.” Tessa winks at me as she reaches for the bottle. I shouldn’t be drinking, but after the day I’ve had, it’s necessary.
“You started without me?” Tanner smacks me on the shoulder before he sits down next to me.
“Barely.” Tessa sets my glass down and turns toward Tanner, placing a napkin in front of him.
“What can I get for ya?”
“I’ll have whatever he’s having.”
“Sure you can hang with the big boys?” I taunt, bringing the amber liquid to my lips.
“Yeah, yeah. Suck a fat one, Bishop.” Tanner slaps a fifty on the bar. “I grew up with you and survived, didn’t I?”
“Here you go, sweetie.” Tessa places the drink down, then leans on the bar, pushing her tits out like they’re an art display.
She’s a huge flirt, but I’ve learned that’s where the fun stops. Tessa is the definition of a cock tease. She loves to make you feel special, and her little touches indicate she’s looking for more, but she’s knocked my pegs down more times than I like to admit. She’s working this job to pay her way through college, and flirting is what gets her the big tips.
“Thanks, doll face.” Tanner winks at her with a smug grin on his face. Poor bastard has no idea the trap he just walked into. “So how’re things?” Tanner finally brings his attention back to me once Tessa walks to the other end of the bar to help other customers.
“Fine, I guess.” I shrug. “Everyone’s either knocked up or gettin’ hitched.”
Tanner takes a sip, keeping his eyes on me. “And where’s that leave you?”
“Well, I’m not changing dirty diapers at two in the morning.” I snicker. “But I’m in my thirties and pretty sure I’m about to lose the woman I love for good. She’s never been mine, not really, but even our friendship has changed over the past few years.”
“You’re not kids anymore,” Tanner says. “Of course friendships and relationships change; it’s natural. Though I’m still shocked you two never hooked up or dated. Boggles my mind.”
I give Tanner a look, and he arches a brow. “It boggles your mind?” I snort at his choice of words. “You asked her out and dated her for over two years.”
“So?” He shrugs. “That was when we were in our teens. Once we both left for college, we went back to just being friends.”
“You’re a dick for asking her out in the first place.”
Tanner rolls his eyes, tilting his head back to finish off his drink already. “I did that for you, jackass.”
“How so?” I scoff and empty my glass in one big gulp. Raising my glass to get Tessa’s attention, she nods to let me know she’ll be right over.
“I knew you liked her. I wasn’t blind. Asking her out was to light a fire under your ass so you’d protest or finally ask her out yourself.”
“And how did that end up dating for two years and taking her virginity?” The displeased tone in my voice doesn’t go unnoticed.
“Well I liked her, but you were the one in love with her. We grew closer, and I fell in love with her, too. We shared a lot of firsts, and when we decided to end things, I was devastated. We both knew going to different colleges would add more burden and stress to our relationship. Plus, I always suspected you’d swoop in and mend her broken heart. Guess you pussied out.”
“Dude, fuck you.”
Tessa refills our glasses, and I immediately swallow it down.
“Why the hell wouldn’t you tell me this shit before? I never made a move on her out of respect for you.”
“How was I supposed to know you were going to have morals?” He grins. “Sure, I might’ve been pissed about it at first, but I always knew she had feelings for you. Kiera talked about you nonstop. It was sickening.” Tanner mimics a gagging noise, making me laugh.
“Uh, well because you were my closest friend, and there was an unspoken bond that you don’t hook up with each other’s girls,” I explain. “I didn’t want girls to get between us after all these years. I may be a dick, but I’m a loyal friend.”
“Well, in that case, Kiera was the only girl left for me to hook up with.” He smirks, implying I hooked up with all the other girls. I won’t deny there’s been a lot of them, but I had my reasons for that too.
“Seriously, though. I wouldn’t have cared. You should’ve told me that was why you stayed away. I had moved on within my first year of college.”
“Man whore,” I tease, both of us knocking our glasses together after Tessa refills them again.
“College was an eye-opener, that’s for sure,” Tanner admits. “But I’m glad I did it. I had to get away and focus on getting my degree. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy living the college experience,” he gloats.
I shrug, the whiskey blazing through my veins at fast speeds. “It doesn’t matter anymore anyway. She’s with Dr. Douchebag, and they’re getting married.”
“Does she know how you feel?” Tanner asks me seriously. “Like…how you really feel? Or did you just give up?”
“I think she knows,” I admit. “I’ve never said it to her face, but it should be obvious how I feel.”
“Because you’re so transparent?” Tanner mocks. “And sleep with different chicks?”
“That was so she wouldn’t like me,” I say. “You were always the type of guy I saw her with, and that’s why I didn’t intervene when you two dated. Even at eighteen, you always had your shit together. She wanted the whole white-picket fence, two-and-a-half-car garage, two-story house with three kids and a horse ranch. You were well-educated, wealthy, and a straight-A student. That’s what she wanted and deserved.”
“Tessa,” Tanner calls. “We’re gonna need some stronger shit. Pity party for one happening over here.”
“You’re such a dick,” I say, laughing. “Trust me. I did the right thing by staying away.”
Tanner shakes his head, disagreeing with me. Though I’m sure he’s not the only one who thinks that. Being in love with Kiera doesn’t change the fact that I’m all wrong for her.
“Self-loathing startin’ early, boys?” Tessa teases as she hands us four shots of tequila. “These are on me.” She winks before walking away.
“Better call us a ride,” I say, grabbing a shot in each hand and downing them both in seconds.
“Do you remember that time we snuck onto the Miller’s farm and nearly got killed by their cows?” Tanner asks, laughing the whole way through his question. I nod in response, remembering it way too well.
“And then you dared me to tip it,” I add.
“That was all Kiera!” he exclaims. “I just agreed.”
“Yeah well, that cow nearly took a chunk of hair out of my head. She was pissed!”
“And if it weren’t for Mr. Miller hearing all the commotion, it would’ve chased me right into the electric fence,” I say, remembering more of the details. Tanner’s laughing so hard he’s crying.
“That was one of my best summers,” he says.
It was mine, too. It was the summer Kiera and I kissed. The kiss we never spoke of again. Anytime someone asked me if anything had ever happened between us, we both denied it.
“I need to get over her. Let her go for my sake so I can find some closure and move on,” I say mostly to my half empty glass of beer I changed to an hour ago.
“If that’s what you think is right, then yeah, you do. She’s not married yet, though.” He raises his brows as if he’s implying I could do something about it now.
It’s well past midnight before John picks up our drunk asses. He looks less than amused, but I know he’s at least glad we called for a ride instead of passing out drunk in the back of my pickup.
“So what’s the occasion this time?” John asks as he pulls out onto the road.
“When has there ever needed to be a reason?” Tanner jokes. “But I guess you could say we needed to catch up.”
“Kiera,” John says simply. “Amiright?”
I say no at the same time Tanner says yes. John looks at me, and I roll my eyes.
“She’s getting married,” I tell him.
“I know,” he replies.
“To Dr. Douchebag.” I groan. “I hate that guy.”
John laughs and shakes his head. “You’re drunker than usual.”
“Tanner ordered us the hard shit. Then I switched to beer.”
“It was that, or you were about to start singing a sad love song.” Tanner cracks up laughing, and I nudge him with my fist.
“You suck.” I grunt. “You both suck.”
After we make it back to the ranch, John walks into the house with us and sits on the couch while I stumble to take off my boots. “I need a cure,” I tell him, though he hasn’t said anything.
“Who knew Jackson Bishop was capable of being pussy whipped by one he’s never had?” Tanner slaps me on the back, jerking my body over.
“You’re such a dick, you know that?”
“You need to get over Kiera if you don’t plan on doing anything about it. Like I said before. Either say something or move on.”
“Tanner’s right,” John chimes in.
I glare at them both. “You’re both exhausting.”
“You should write her a letter,” Tanner suggests.
“Yes, and then you should fold it into a triangle and pass it to her during first period geometry.” John laughs, and if the room wasn’t spinning right now, I’d lean over and punch him.
“Write her a letter that’s for you,” Tanner clarifies. “Like a goodbye, I’m letting you go, want you to be happy, blah, blah, blah. It’s a therapeutic exercise. When someone has something they need to get off their chest, it helps to write it out instead of holding it all in, which you’ve been doing for over a decade.”
“So I wouldn’t actually give it to her,” I say, thinking he might be onto something.
“Not unless you wanted to, but most people don’t. They just usually feel a lot better afterward.”
I shrug, contemplating it. “Okay. I’ll give it a try.”
“You want to do it now? You can barely open your eyes,” John says, cracking up.
“Okay, maybe after I drink a pot of coffee.”
Tanner pours me a third cup of coffee as I continue writing on a piece of notebook paper. It’s the longest note I’ve written in years, and though I don’t typically go for this sort of stuff, I trust Tanner enough to try his method.
“Do we get to read it?”
“Fuck no.”
“We’re helping you sober up, and we don’t even get to read it?”
I eye John and Tanner who are sitting at the table with me. “So you can use it against me later and give me shit? I’m not stupid.”
“What if we swear to never bring it up after this night?” Tanner asks. John nods in agreement, and I’m not sure whether it’s the buzz or the caffeine high, but I give in.
“Fine, but not until I’m done.”
Tanner and John wait with me for another hour as I finish writing it. I didn’t expect it to be this long, but I shouldn’t be surprised either. Years of pent-up emotions are spilling out of me, and while it hurts to write it, I do find some relief in doing it.
“Okay, I think that’s it.” I put the pen down and look through the pages. “You sure you wanna read it?”
“Hell yeah.” They both reach for the letter and start reading. I take the opportunity to get up and get myself a glass of cold water. It’s so damn late, but after drinking coffee, I feel wide-awake yet tired at the same time. It’s a fucked-up combination.
“Why the fuck am I mentioned so much in here?” Tanner teases.
“Wow…” John says. “This actually doesn’t suck.”
“I’m not just a pretty boy, ya know?” I smirk, sitting back down.
Once they’re done reading, John and Tanner slowly look up at me and grin. “What?” I ask.
“I think you should give it to her,” John says. “It’s good.”
I swipe it from his hands before he can put it out of my reach. “No way. She doesn’t need to read this letter. She’s getting married in two months.”
“Exactly,” Tanner says. “You still have time to tell her.”
I shake my head. “It’s too late. This will only ruin our friendship, or she’ll accuse me of being jealous and only doing it for attention or some shit. She has dreams much bigger than what I could give her anyway. I just want her to be happy.”
“Sometimes I wonder how we can be twins, considering how different we are, but then at other times, I see a lot of myself in you and remember we have more in common than I realize,” John says.
“What’s that mean?” I ask.
“It means that I actually understood what you just said. I could feel the pain in your words as I read the letter. Like, my heart feels the ache you’re feeling right now. It’s…weird.”
“Some twisted twin connection,” Tanner blurts out with a chuckle. “That’s actually very common for identical twins. Like when one twin gets into an accident, the other can often feel their pain when it happens.”
“Well, whatever it is, I get it. When Mila left to go back to Georgia, and I thought I’d lose her forever, I felt similar pain. It’s an ache that harbors in your chest and feels so damn heavy and weak at the same time. I actually think I understand now.” It’s the sincerest thing I’ve ever heard him say about me.
“Hurts, doesn’t it?” I frown. “But at least Mila came back. I’m happy she did.”
“Me, too.”
The three of us sit awkwardly, and after a few minutes, I fold up the letter. “I’m going to bed. Y’all can see yourselves out.” Standing, I take the letter with me and toss it into the trash before walking to my room and passing out.