CHAPTER 5
Step 2: Identifying Fantasies and True Desires
“The urge to escape from pain is the most powerful instinct of all.”
—JOHN LEHER
Fantasies are a nearly universal experience. A sexual or erotic fantasy can be a long, drawn-out story or a quick flash of imagery that has the effect of arousing us. We may not even be fully conscious that we are being aroused. Fantasies seem to occur at all times of the day and range from the common to the unusual—the point is that they allow us to abandon social restraints and imagine ourselves assuming roles that we don’t normally take, such as those involving power, innocence, or danger. Any object or act can be eroticized. Fantasies are regularly triggered by outside stimuli such as an attractive stranger or erotic movie, story, or picture. People generally fantasize when engaging in masturbation or other forms of sex.
No agreement exists among mental health professionals regarding what type of fantasy should be considered “healthy.” Freud and other early psychoanalysts believed that sexual fantasies resulted from feelings of deprivation experienced in the absence of sexual satisfaction. Many experts still maintain this point of view and further reason that certain types of fantasies are signs of psychopathology. A fantasy involving a patient’s sexual submissiveness, for instance, is seen as a deeper symptom of “masochism” rather than as I came to see it, as a healthy attempt to master unresolved, deep-seated power issues.
Where some schools of psychology tend to treat fantasies as pathological, many Christian groups preach that sexual fantasies are sinful and strictly prohibited by the Bible, particularly those that involve a partner other than a spouse. Both systems of thinking have contributed to our feelings of sexual shame and confusion and have resulted in a cultural epidemic of sexual dysfunctions. Confusion sets in, of course, because how can anyone turn off their fantasies at will? Doesn’t understanding their meaning and purpose make more sense?
For many of us, what we actually engage in physically is less compelling than what goes on in our private thoughts and fantasies. We may even use our fantasies during sexual contact to distract us from uninteresting or unpleasant aspects of the act, instead focusing on an image, thought, or story from our imagination that brings us closer to climax. The fact that so many of us fantasize during sex raises questions about the general concept of lovemaking. How much intimacy is really taking place when the best sex we are having is inside our heads? If the disconnection between actual sex and our true desires separates us from our partners, what actually is “making love”?
FANTASIES AND GENDER
Research has shown that fantasies differ along gender lines. In general, because of many social influences, men and women tend to think about sex differently. Women more commonly connect sex with love, while men more frequently detach sex from affection and experience it as recreational. Men’s fantasies tend to objectify women and emphasize body parts, while women’s tend toward mystery, seduction, and romance—themes that are forced upon us by the media. Studies suggest that male fantasies tend to be shorter and imagistic, where women’s fantasies tend to have more narrative as well as greater focus on the relationship between characters in the fantasy. The essence of a male fantasy might be captured in a few seconds-long photographic clips, while a female’s fantasy might amount to an entire film. Women’s stories tend to have smell and sound effects.
Interestingly, there appears to be little difference in fantasies based on sexual orientation as it relates to gender: that is, heterosexual and homosexual men tend to focus on specific body parts and casual sexual encounters, while straight and lesbian women’s fantasies contain more emotion and affection. It’s also not uncommon for men and women who identify as heterosexual to sometimes be aroused by fantasies of same-sex partners. Data gathered through self-report show this to be considerably more common with women. Yet such numbers may not portray an accurate picture of the situation, since it has also been shown that men are more likely to fear being labeled as “queer” and consequently to minimize and underreport past or present sexual fantasies involving other men.
Sexual fantasies also vary based on each of our unique personal histories and psychologies, yet our fantasies share certain overarching themes. The most common involve reliving an exciting sexual experience, imagining sex with a current partner, imagining sex with a different partner, or watching others engage in sex. Common sexual acts in fantasies involve oral sex, sex in a special location, sexual irresistibility, and forced sex.
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This step of intelligent lust helps us to pinpoint the themes of our sexual fantasies and then put them into words and stories. Our sexual fantasies educate us as to the direction of our desires. Yet many of us are not entirely conscious of exactly what our fantasies are. They may seem too abstract or ephemeral to hold on to. We may have to work hard to retrieve them from our subconscious imagination.
Soon you will be asked to answer questions that will help you identify the key elements that make up your fantasies. By asking ourselves these questions and writing down our answers in our journal, the themes and narratives of our fantasies come into focus. Language has a way of making fantasies real. Once we put thoughts and images into words and sentences, we tend to own them more completely. Take the time to think deeply about your answers to these questions. Your erotic images and thoughts may surprise or frighten you, but keep in mind they have their own meaning and morality, which you will soon discover.
After you answer the questions, you’ll read about other people’s fantasies in order to help understand your own.
INSIDE YOUR FANTASIES
COMMON FANTASY THEMES: WHERE DO YOU FIT IN?
Learning about other peoples’ fantasies can also bring clarity to our own. The following are eighteen of the most common themes found in people’s fantasies identified through a variety of surveys and other sources. Each is illustrated by an example taken from a patient’s fantasy or compiled from fantasies on Internet sex sites. Some were sent to us in response to a request Alyssa and I made on Craigslist asking people to tell us what brings them to orgasm. Use these fantasies to help identify the main themes in your own fantasies.
Some of these fantasies may arouse you. Others you may find disturbing. A knee-jerk reaction such as shame or disgust may actually be a defense against a deeper feeling—an unthinkable attraction that you fear may rise to the surface. If you have a strong reaction to a fantasy, take the time to be honest with yourself. Lift up the rock and search for what might be underneath. No one is watching and no one is judging. This step is about understanding.
Ask yourself: What are the most compelling thoughts and images? Which stories excite and arouse me the most?
Fantasies with Themes of Romantic Sex
These fantasies involve emotional attachment and are like romantic novels in which an exceptionally handsome or beautiful person is overcome by our looks or personality. We fall in love or lust and engage in anything from a simple kiss to our suitor ravishing us in some beautiful or exotic setting. The stories can be simple or elaborate with backgrounds taken from history or science fiction. Always emotionally satisfying and optimistic, they are often the stories that make up romance novels.
Jane, thirty-four: “I have two small children at home so, needless to say, the sex between my husband and me is not terribly exciting. Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband. He’s a great guy and a wonderful father. But sometimes I fantasize that I go away with a girlfriend on a trip. This is something I could never afford to do any time soon but have always wanted to. Anyway, we go to Italy. One night after an amazing meal she goes back up to our room alone because she has a headache or something. I decide to stay at the restaurant and have another glass of wine. While I am there, I notice this gorgeous younger Italian man. He’s watching me. He’s dark and sexy, with these penetrating eyes, nothing like my husband! After a minute he walks over to me and asks where I am from. We chat for a minute and he asks if I would like to go for a walk, if I’d like to see the river at night. I know I shouldn’t but I say yes. We start walking and it is so sexy. It’s a warm night and he keeps brushing his arm against me. He’s flirting, and after a bit he tells me how beautiful he thinks I am. He tells me how much he would like to be given the chance to caress me. To kiss me all over. To make love to me. I’m practically swooning. After a few more minutes, we duck into a dark alley and he lifts me up, raising my skirt. We make love and all the while he is whispering things to me in Italian. I don’t even know what he’s saying, but I feel like it’s all very appreciative of me, my body. After we are spent he writes his number on a piece of paper. He hopes that we can see each other until I have to leave. That’s when I usually pull myself out of the fantasy. Before I respond. I almost feel like it’s fine, normal, to have a fantasy of one night of passion, but more than that and I start to feel guilty. Like I would get carried away with this man and leave my family behind.”
Fantasies of Sex with a Younger Partner
Youth, vitality, and seduction are the turn-on in these fantasies. An older “Mrs. Robinson” seduces a youthful stud into participating in sexual encounters. She is experienced, while he is hot, horny, and ready to go. She gently instructs him how to make love to her.
Or maybe it’s the younger person who does the seducing. He or she flirts, or acts provocatively, hands touching, legs brushing, until the older person can no longer restrain him- or herself.
Ginny, forty-three: “My neighbor’s son is back from college for spring break. Whenever he’s home, I have him do clean-up work around the yard to prepare the garden for the summer. He works in his Levi’s with his shirt off. He’s tanned and sweaty; his muscles glisten in the sun. I ask him if he’d like to take a break for something cold to drink. When he comes into the house, I have a pitcher of beer waiting. I tell him how good he looks and how much being away at school must agree with him. I mention how much he’s matured. I touch his arm as we talk. I’m wearing a sexy T-shirt and tight jeans. I notice he’s staring at my breasts. I ask him if he’s seen the house since I redecorated and he says no, but he would like to. I show him the house room by room until we reach my bedroom. When we get there, he sits on the bed. He hasn’t taken his eyes off my body since we started. He’s so hot. I sit down next to him and kiss him gently on the lips. Before I know it, he’s on top of me, pulling down his jeans. He has a huge erection and I’m very wet. He fucks me all afternoon then puts on his clothes and finishes the yard work.”
Fantasies of Verbal Abuse: Humiliation and Dirty Talk
In some fantasies we are aroused by name-calling. Words intended to humiliate, such as “whore,” “bitch,” “stud,” “slut,” “pig,” which we could never utter in general conversation, are exciting to say aloud or be called during sex. Exchanging dirty talk like “give it to me,” “you get me so hard,” “I’m so wet,” or words like “cock” or “pussy” excite us.
Jack, twenty-six: “I’m down on my knees between her legs licking her pussy. She’s leaning back against the chair moaning. She pulls me up by the hair and kisses me then pushes my head down again. ‘Eat me,’ she says. I do it for a while more, then stand up and take my clothes off. I have a big hard-on. ‘“You want this cock. I’m going to give it to you. Tell me you want it, baby.’” She starts to beg me for it, but I don’t give it to her right away. I tease her with it for a while. Make her suck it. Then finally I penetrate her and come in two seconds.”
Fantasies of Forced Sex
These fantasies usually involve passion and force but are rarely violent or painful. Sometimes we resist the aggressor; other times we obey. We are excited by single images or we imagine elaborate stories about being kidnapped or held prisoner in settings like a detention cell, basement, cave, or an Arabian tent. The sex often is wild or “dirty.” The bottom line is that our choice about having sex is taken away and we are helpless and powerless in the situation.
Some of us may act as the aggressor in our fantasies and overwhelm a defiant or unwilling partner, forcing them to have sex with us.
Cathy, twenty-eight: “I’m married but my fantasy isn’t about my husband. I’m home alone one afternoon. I’m standing naked in front of the mirror, admiring myself, which I don’t normally do. I’m gently brushing my hand across my body when I hear a sound coming from the living room, but I don’t pay it much attention. I caress my breast, watching myself in the mirror, when suddenly there’s a man’s hand over my mouth. ‘Don’t say a word,’ he says. ‘I’m not going to hurt you.’ I can see him in the mirror. He’s short and stocky, nothing like my usual type. I’m frightened and excited at the same time. He throws me to the floor, holds my hands over my head with one hand, and unzips his fly with his other. I try to resist, but he’s too strong and powerful for me to move. He takes out his penis and, without saying a word, he enters me without a condom. I continue to resist for a while then finally give up. He ejaculates inside me, which I would never let anyone do.”
Fantasies about Body Parts
We depersonalize the sexual engagement by eroticizing specific parts of the human anatomy such as breasts, penises, vaginas, feet, or buttocks. Gazing or touching is enough to fulfill our sexual desire. The general attractiveness of our partner is usually irrelevant so long as they possess the body part that is the object of our desire.
Rita, thirty-five: “There’s no other way to put this. I love men with big dicks. It isn’t even so much the man as it is his dick. I can tell what a man’s dick is like by the size of his hands, especially his thumbs. I don’t go for men with small hands. I just like how a man’s dick looks when it’s thick—hard, powerful, veiny. When I’m having sex, all I can think about is the dick. I don’t care how he touches me or kisses me. I just want it in my mouth. When I masturbate, I think about the same thing.”
Fantasies about Objects and Clothing
Inanimate objects that are not considered sexual in nature such as shoes, eyeglasses, leather, or clothing are the centerpieces in these sexual fantasies. The object has power over us. We are aroused by an article of clothing, footwear, leather, rubber, eyeglasses, or other objects regardless of the attractiveness of the owner or, often, their gender.
James, fifty: “I’ve always been excited by women’s shoes. Stilettos especially turn me on. To be honest, they don’t even have to be on anyone’s feet so long as they’ve been worn. I’m not into new ones. In my fantasy, I’m at a party and meet this woman. She’s not a knockout, but she’s really sexy to me in her red high-heel strapless shoes. I dance with her for a while. Then we have a few drinks. It doesn’t take much to convince her to come home with me. By the time we get there, she’s pretty drunk. She takes her clothes off, but leaves on her shoes. She passes out and I jack off touching and kissing her shoes.”
Fantasies about Sex in Public Spaces: Exhibitionism
In some fantasies we are aroused by the idea of an audience. We enjoy that someone else is taking pleasure in watching us engage in sexual acts. Sometimes it involves the idea of exposing ourselves to attract attention like flashing, mooning, or lifting up a skirt. In these fantasies we might mercilessly tease a partner or be so skilled sexually that we turn them on like never before. We are so sexy, beautiful, or experienced that others cannot resist us. We get off performing.
Mike, twenty-five: “I get really turned on by the idea of people watching me fuck. Like I am so good at it that people want to check out my technique or just watch the way I make a girl go crazy. My fantasy is to win some kind of fucking contest. Like I’m in a stadium or something, with tons of people, judges, and everything. I’m a pretty average-looking guy, so I think that people aren’t expecting much of a show. But I have a nice build and I think I’m pretty good in bed. So anyway, I come out and then they bring out this really pretty chick. I’m not sure that I could ever actually get hard with people watching me, especially like that! But in my fantasy it is no problem. So we start going at it on this mat, in front of all of these people. And I can tell that everyone is watching me really intently. Maybe even getting turned on by it. So I’m doing all these things, moving this girl around in all these different positions, and I can tell that she is really into it. I can see the judges nodding in approval. Eventually, after a pretty good amount of time, I finish. And there is all of this applause, all of these cheers. All of my scores are between 9 and 10. It’s awesome.”
Fantasies with Multiple Partners
These fantasies take a few forms. We are adored or worshiped by various partners who can’t keep their hands off us. We receive physical pleasure that can’t be achieved through just one person. All of our erogenous zones are stimulated as we are ravaged by other people who have an uncontrollable desire for us.
Among the most common form of this fantasy for men is to see two women together. For women, it is to enjoy sex with a man and another woman who knows exactly how to please her.
Ellen, forty-six: “I always wanted to try it with two men. I imagine them competing for me. Each one doing something more interesting to get me excited. They never touch each other. All the energy is focused on me. They get in a rhythm, each of them alternating between my mouth, breasts, and vagina with their tongues. I go crazy. Then one guy penetrates me while the other goes down on my clitoris. I don’t think that I would really ever want that to happen. I would probably be overwhelmed. But it’s fun to imagine.”
Fantasies about Sex with a Stranger
Pure recreational pleasure is the theme in these fantasies. We imagine anonymous sex with someone with whom we have little or no history or whom we will probably never see again. We see him on the subway or in a restaurant, or he is faceless and approaches us from behind or wears a mask. We enjoy completely uninhibited sex without requiring intimacy.
Warren, thirty-six: “I have this fantasy about meeting some girl on the computer. We exchange some instant messages and our pics. It’s pretty straightforward. I want to fuck and she wants to get fucked. She invites me over. We talk for about two seconds and get right down to business. We don’t even know each other’s name and I fuck her. We finish and I leave. We’re both happy. No emotions, no strings attached.”
Fantasies of Watching Others Engage in Sex: Voyeurism
In these fantasies we enjoy watching more than doing. We can be sexual without getting involved ourselves. We imagine scenes in which we look through a neighbor’s window, watch lovers in the park, or observe an orgy. Usually we don’t play a part in these fantasies. They are like watching a motion picture in which others engage in a romantic or sex scene. They can be simultaneously taboo and exhilarating.
Sarah, sixty-two: “To be truthful, I don’t really enjoy having sex with my husband anymore. That part of our relationship is over. But I still like to fantasize. Maybe it’s strange for a woman my age, but I’m still very sexually active in my mind. I still masturbate. When I do, I think about other people I know doing things that I never did with my husband. They’re always younger people. Once I saw my neighbor making out with her boyfriend in his car. I guess they’re in their late twenties. I’m ashamed to say this, but I got really aroused watching them. I could see them in her driveway through my kitchen window. They were really going at it. When I masturbate now, I try to remember all the details of what they did. It works.”
Fantasies of Being Worshiped or Worshiping
In some fantasies we get off on being irresistible. We imagine ourselves to be so attractive that our partners would do anything to touch or take us. They are unable to resist our charm, beauty, or intellect and act with reverence toward us.
Some of us are turned on by the “privilege” of being allowed to worship our partner who we view as far more attractive or appealing than ourselves.
William, thirty: “In my fantasy, I’m at work. It’s late at night and I’ve stayed at the office to get some paperwork done. There are a couple of other people working in their cubicles too. As I’m packing up to go, this girl is also getting ready to leave. I always enjoyed watching her from a distance, especially the way she walks and moves. We wind up at the elevator at the same time. She can tell I’m staring at her. She likes it. She smiles and talks to me. I’m really nervous. The elevator comes and we get in. Before we get to the lobby, she presses the stop button and the elevator slams to a halt. ‘You want me, don’t you,’ she says. I’m totally shocked. I don’t know what to say. I nod. ‘Prove it,’ she says. I say something stupid, like ‘I think you’re beautiful; I’ve always admired you.’ She laughs. I try again. ‘It would be the most amazing experience of my life if you would let me kiss you.’ She closes her eyes and says, ‘Go ahead.’ For each move I make, I ask her permission, and she complies until she’s sitting on top of me and we’re doing it. I get off. I’m feeling pretty lucky.”
Fantasies about Domination
Unlike fantasies of forced sex, we willingly surrender control to a more aggressive partner. In submitting, we consent to engage in sexual and nonsexual acts involving devotion to a partner, Master or Mistress. There is a sense of freedom, rather than fear, in letting go and allowing someone else to be in total control of the moment. In these scenes, we imagine being “used” by our partner for their pleasure.
For some of us, fantasies in which we perform as the Master or Dominatrix provide the turn-on. We, demand, command, or coerce our partners into giving in to our deepest desires. Sometimes we play on the edge between pain and pleasure. Consensual slavery, sexual slavery, feminizing, and collaring can all be elements of these fantasies.
Jeff, thirty-nine: “I’m a financial advisor. It’s important in my work that I come across as confident, in charge. But in my fantasy life, it is totally the opposite. This is pretty embarrassing for me to talk about, but what turns me on the most is the idea of being a sex slave. Totally dominated. Like being forced to crawl around on the floor behind my Mistress. In my fantasy, she bosses me around completely, is rude, sometimes even cruel. A lot of the time it’s not even sexual stuff she wants me to do. I lick her boots, even clean her toilet on my hands and knees. She doesn’t allow me to look up or make eye contact with her. If I do, she punishes me by getting spankings or by bending down and kissing the floor in front of her, like, fifty times. Sometimes in my fantasy she even has a friend come over and I have to remain like this, naked, with a collar around me, following her around and taking orders from her. In my fantasy I am totally humiliated but for some reason that’s why I like it. That’s what gets me really excited.”
Fantasies about Bondage
Bondage fantasies are a form of domination in which we are rendered physically helpless through restraints such as ropes, handcuffs, or leather straps. Like domination fantasies, these don’t necessarily involve sexual acts and are often more about the paradox of mental liberation through being restrained. We are not so much submitting to the Dominant as we are to the bondage. Sometimes sensory deprivation, mouth gags, chastity belts, or even mummification is part of the turn-on.
Jennifer, thirty-eight: “I have these fantasies regularly where I am, like, sort of a dominatrix. It’s totally not who I am normally. I have pretty normal sex, you know, nice guys, missionary position. But when I masturbate, I think about tying someone up. Sometimes it’s a man, sometimes a woman. Sometimes I have this whole sex-room thing going. Like a basement where I take people where I have a chair with straps, tables with harnesses and whips, that kind of thing. But usually in my fantasy it’s a little simpler. I go on a date with a guy, or out for a drink with a girlfriend, and we end up back at my place. He’s tired so I let him lie down for a few minutes on my bed. After a little bit I wake him up by running my hand between his legs. When I can tell that he is turned on, I undress him and tie his wrists and ankles to the side of the bed. Sometimes I blindfold him, but sometimes I want him to look at me while I am doing this. Sometimes I gag his mouth. Sometimes I use feathers or hit him lightly with a leather whip. He is totally powerless. I like to tease him but ultimately I want him to please me. To be aroused but maybe for him to not even be allowed to get off himself. I might lift myself over him, his face buried between my breasts or my legs. I might fuck him until I come and stop before he does or just make him watch me masturbate with my toy. When I am done I untie him and hand him his clothes. I thank him for a nice evening and ask him politely to leave!”
Fantasies about Role-Playing
These fantasies involve dressing up and parading about or performing a role to please or seduce a partner. We often act naive or innocent in these fantasies in which we pretend to be a student, secretary, nurse, tart, or other characters. Women tend to imagine men in such roles as construction workers, military, professor, cop, or fireman.
Some of us play the role of the more experienced partner—the doctor, boss, or judge in which we are seduced by our counterpart.
Henry, forty-two: “I’m a college English professor in Brooklyn. I get a lot of sexy ethnic types in my classes. Sorry, I’m not supposed to think about sex with students, but since you’re asking for the truth…I have to tell you that I do think about it. There’s this one Latina girl who I think is so hot. In my fantasy she comes to my office after class for help with a paper I’ve assigned. She’s wearing a tight wool sweater that shows off her breasts. I can’t keep my eyes off them. She tells me she needs to get an A in my class and hints that she’ll do anything for it. I would never actually do this with a student, but in my fantasy I say, ‘I’m sure you will get an A.’ She’s really grateful. As a thank-you, she lifts up her sweater and shows me her breasts. One thing leads to another and pretty soon we are fucking on the desk.”
Fantasies about Being Spoiled or Paid for Sex
These fantasies involve being given money or gifts for sex because we are so desirable that men or women will do anything to have us. The corollary to this fantasy is that we are so successful that we can pay for sex, spoiling our partner, who will in turn value us for our gifts or because we have the ability to help improve their lives.
Roberta, forty-six: “I’ll be honest. I’ve lived out my fantasy. I married a rich man. I always used sex to get what I wanted. When I met Jim, he was a twenty-six-year-old Wall Street whiz kid. I was twenty-two. I had a great body, and by then I was already good at sex. I knew how to flirt and tease and get guys interested in me. I’d been having sex since I was sixteen. So I’m manipulative, so what? I have what guys want. It also happens that I’m good-looking and smart. I’m the total package. Whenever I had sex with Jim, I asked for something. ‘I really need to go to a spa. Oh wouldn’t that dress look good on me?’ Then after he bought it for me, I would reward him with a night of amazing sex. Eventually he started to take me shopping and watch me try on clothing. It was hot for both of us. I would parade out of the dressing room in this sexy lingerie, showing myself off. Twenty-five years later, he still loves to buy my favors. I think it makes him feel powerful. Me too. It’s a win/win situation. I don’t have to fantasize. I have what I want.”
Fantasies about Feeling Naughty
In some fantasies we are aroused by willfully defying authority and behaving sexually out of character. We might be conventional or well-behaved in general, but in our fantasy we are “bad” boys or girls, acting out the forbidden.
Jessica, fifty: “I am kinda straitlaced, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to answer the question. But when I think about it now, I’d have to say my fantasy has to do with being naughty. My father was a preacher, and sex was definitely a sin. He often railed against it. I’ve been married and divorced twice. Sometimes I think about having sexual intercourse in the pews at church. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in God, but I have to admit there are times when I can’t get the thought out of my mind. It’s usually in a pew at my father’s church. I’m having sex in broad daylight. There is this one particular much-younger guy. He’s a regular member of the church. He’s the one I always think about. I suppose that’s the point. It’s so naughty and nasty.”
Fantasies about Having Sex in Exotic Places
Some of us need foreign locations to feel aroused. Being at home is too familiar or ordinary to get us excited. The exotic gives us freedom to act out things we would never do at home.
Dave, fifty-four: “In my fantasy we’re someplace I’ve never been, far away from Queens. A ski resort maybe. It always changes. None of our four kids are with us. I think that’s the key. They’re young and I don’t feel comfortable at home with all the interruptions. One of them is always knocking on our door. Anyway, we’re on vacation and we are alone in a hotel after a day of skiing and my wife is napping on the bed. She looks amazing in her tight ski pants. A little overweight, but I like it. Even though I’m really tired from a day on the slopes, I want to give it to her. I feel like this is our chance, no kids, no responsibilities, and I don’t have to talk to her. Why not fuck? I don’t bother to wake her up or take our clothes off. I just want to fuck. Beautiful sky out the window, no responsibility. No talking. Just pure screwing.”
Fantasies about Intelligence
Intelligence or the lack of it can be the turn-on. We imagine steamy sex with someone who might be totally dumb or dull—the dumb blonde, dumb hunk, geek, or nerd—who we would never consider for a serious relationship. Or we might fantasize having hot sex with a really smart girl or guy whom we admire for their intelligence but whom we might find otherwise unattractive.
Margo, twenty-one: “He’s so cute. This IT guy from work. I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s a total nerd. Glasses, bad complexion, skinny, but he’s the one everybody else asks to solve their computer problems. I don’t know why, but I think he’s really sexy. All the guys I go out with are jocks, but I fantasize about Mark. I never go out with guys who are smart. It’s just not my thing. So why do I keep thinking about Mark? I want him to make love to me, but I also want to have intelligent conversations with him. His brain is a total turn-on.”
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As much as we may identify ourselves in others’ fantasies, it’s also important to keep in mind that for some of us, our fantasies will fall outside of the most common ones described here. Just as no two people’s life experiences can be exactly the same, neither can our fantasies. The mind is an extraordinarily creative instrument, and the kinds of images, narratives, and metaphors we use to describe our desires are very much part of our own unique histories.
USING THE INTERNET TO IDENTIFY FANTASIES
Nothing has made the exploration of sexual fantasies more accessible than the Internet. With the extensive electronic exchange of pornography, interactive role-playing, fantasy-constructed chat rooms, and other forms of eroticized communication, we can use it to freely explore our deepest desires. Because we generally treat our fantasies as private or secret, the Internet serves as a nonthreatening way to explore them with little personal exposure. We can be as open as we choose while still remaining anonymous.
Use the Internet as a tool for exploring your sexuality by locating yourself within other people’s stories, images, or language. Anything we can imagine, and certainly things we haven’t yet imagined, can probably be found on the Internet. With so many free sites that offer categories to browse, we can find videos, stories, photographs of all gender, race, and body types engaging in sexual activities ranging from the romantic to the extreme. Use trial and error to determine what turns you on and what exactly might lead you to climax, the ultimate test of our true desires.
The overwhelming use of the Internet for this purpose is testimony to people’s a healthy desire as human beings to engage in sexual fantasy, while the abuse of these sites is further evidence of how the shame associated with our desires can lead to compulsive and abusive ways of expressing them. When fantasies, masturbation, or sex provide a regular release from emotional or physical stress, they can unwittingly serve as self-soothing substitutes for more productive methods of dealing with the sources of frustration or conflict. Chapter 12 will help you deal with such concerns.
But more than just identifying our fantasies, by following the next steps of intelligent lust, we will learn to understand their meaning and purpose and use them as tools for bridging the disconnection between our deeper nature and who we are in our daily lives.
ALYSSA’S THOUGHTS
Virtually Yours
We have yet to fully realize the impact that the widespread availability of and access to pornography will have on our society’s sexual development. If used properly to facilitate learning that can then be transferred into practice, there are certainly social gains to be made, including greater openness toward and acceptance of all forms of human sexuality.
However, my immediate concern is that many of us who view Internet pornography may already feel isolated in our relationships or in other aspects of life and turn to the Internet for some form of connection. But relating to video images or engaging in “virtual” Internet relationships is not a substitute for a person-to-person connection. Virtual relationships provide a pseudo-solution to our feelings of loneliness. In fact, becoming accustomed to forms of sexual stimulation in which we do not touch, taste, or smell may later challenge our ability to find pleasure and satisfaction with another person. Virtual relationships lack the complexity of actual sexual interaction such as the very real presence of human emotion. And while we may find momentary satisfaction as we do with masturbation, excessive involvement in Internet sex does nothing to help repair what originally drove us to use the Internet—our sense of alienation from ourselves and loved ones. The virtual world we create tends be an ideal world in which we don’t get hurt, feel fear, or suffer consequences. It fosters an artificial state of mind equivalent to getting “high,” in which we feel a false sense of well-being. Only by re-engaging with relationships in the “real” world—whatever amount of struggle that entails—can we reverse the effects of self-imposed isolation.
That said, using the Internet as a tool to self-discovery can be extraordinarily helpful if managed properly. As already stated in this chapter, used as a resource, the Internet can be a shortcut in helping us identify our true desire. My warning is not to get stuck here—to be certain that you follow all the steps of intelligent lust. Doing so will take you away from feelings of separation into authentic connections with other people that satisfy and heal.