CHAPTER 7
Step 4: Cracking the Code of Sexual Chemistry
“Sexual attraction is not at all a purely physical event. The soul is always in search of whatever will complete its desire, and our physical eyes are never separate from the eyes of the soul.”
—THOMAS MOORE
Intelligent lust goes beyond just understanding the meaning and purpose of our fantasies and true desires. It means using those insights to create a meaningful and satisfying sexual life that helps heal old conflicts and unmet needs. Knowing how to apply sexual chemistry is a key element in that process. This step helps us identify and interpret the characteristics and attributes in other people that arouse us. This is where we start to include other people in our discoveries.
We’ve all had the experience of seeing someone on the street or in a social setting and feeling an instant attraction. Our eyes lock, our pulse races, everyone else in the room disappears. Other times, attraction sneaks up on us slowly as we get to know someone. One day we realize that we are very sexually attracted to him. Whether it is his hair, his body, his voice, his smell, or his attitude and behavior that attracts us, we attribute it to the mysteries of chemistry.
But chemistry isn’t so mysterious. And in my opinion, it’s not what evolutionary scientists say—our instinctive way of knowing a potential mate’s reproductive potential and whether they possess the right set of genes.
On the contrary, chemistry begins in our thoughts. The subconscious mind reads signals and symbols—usually the physical traits and mannerisms of another person—and interprets them in relation to our individual fantasies. The body inspires our imagination—our reading of it echoes deeper psychological themes. We create a story grounded in our history. This happens so instantaneously that the details remain out of our awareness. When there is a match between our fantasy and what a physical trait psychologically represents to us, we feel the excitement in our body.
If mastering feelings of powerlessness, for instance, is our unconscious sexual motivation, we may feel strongly attracted to someone whose cocky attitude, muscled body, or tattoos signal strength and power to us. But the same attitude or physical attributes would turn us off if the purpose of our sexual fantasies is to repair feelings of loneliness and isolation. In that case, those traits that suggest a gentle spirit who is in touch with his feminine side, such as a soft voice, a delicate frame, or soulful eyes, would pique our sexual interest. And yet, there are times when, on first meeting someone, our hearts feel like they will burst from excitement, but when we actually get to know the person we discover that his personality is incongruent with his physical appearance and his behavior is inconsistent with what our fantasies inspired, and our attraction quickly evaporates. We have misread or misinterpreted the signals.
What do we experience when we gaze at another human body? Our sexual antennae are organized by the interaction of our senses—visual, auditory, and olfactory—and of our perception of what these signals mean to us psychologically. Does the person have the right color hair or eyes? Are they thin or well-built enough?
Ideas of attractiveness differ among cultures and subgroups, but there are commonly held beliefs that influence our perceptions. As Americans, for instance, blonde hair suggests brightness and a carefree personality, while those with brown hair are considered serious and dependable. Very dark hair is seen as exotic, sensuous, or dangerous, while red hair is associated with passion.
Thick hair on men suggests the power of Samson. Similarly, tall or big men suggest strength and protectiveness, while short women seem more youthful and vigorous. Tightly muscled men with V-shaped torsos project sexuality and good health. A large penis means a man can give superhuman pleasure. And while everyone has his or her own opinions about what smells are attractive, gentle perfumes on women and natural smells on men appear to appeal to many. A man’s deep voice represents masculinity, and a man or woman’s wide smile gives the impression of well-being and happiness.
A person whom we consider our sexual “type” possesses those qualities we find highly attractive, though we often can’t explain why. When the right signals appear, our fantasies will be ignited even though they may occur so instantaneously that we are not fully conscious of them. The ability to decode our attractions based on our sexual fantasies is an essential step in intelligent lust. With practice, we can improve our ability to tune into sexual cues, what they mean, and whether they are compatible with our true sexual desires. Armed with this knowledge, we increase our chances of choosing a partner with whom we are truly sexually compatible, as well as our potential to form a restorative experience that will be far more meaningful and satisfying than any sexual hookup.
Maybe we fetishize breast size as a result of the absence of sufficient nurturing as a child. Or we come from an unstable family and are attracted to men in suits and ties or uniforms because they represent stability to us. Perhaps we’re turned on by men with dark hair and tattoos. They represent a wild streak or alternative lifestyle—a kind of subversively cool defiance of convention.
In addition, we might focus on particular mannerisms such as how someone holds himself, his or her walk, accent, or manner of speaking, which we then read as signs of confidence, sharpness, worldliness, shyness, or dullness.
For the most part, we register these attractions, enjoy them for a moment, and then move on. Occasionally, we turn them into a seduction or fling, or maybe we believe that the funny feeling in our stomach is love at first sight. Chemistry rocks our senses at their core. It can guide us toward the most meaningful relationships of our lives, even to love, just as its absence can lead us to a lifetime of marital unhappiness.
It’s not always easy to grasp the complexity of our sexual attractions. Much of what happens is invisible. The following exercises will help identify those specific characteristics and traits in others that excite the deeper psychological and spiritual aspects of our sexuality—those that create the feeling of chemistry. Record them privately in your journal along with your other notes.
OBSERVATIONAL EXERCISE
The next time you take a subway or train or when you walk the mall, choose a stranger to focus on whom you find physically attractive. Notice his or her hair, eyes, skin, mouth, body type, height, hands, feet, and posture. If he or she is speaking, listen to the timbre of his or her voice, accent, and style of speech. If you’re close enough, breathe in his or her smell.
Keeping in mind that there is a difference between physical attractiveness and sexual attraction, what is it about each of these traits that turns you on or off? Which do you feel neutral about? What drew you to that person initially? How close is this person to your “type”? In what ways? Does this person arouse your sexual fantasies?
Let your imagination go. What would you want to happen if you were to have sex with him/her? What role does he play in your fantasy? What role do you play? What is your sexual motivation?
CRACKING THE CODE
Use the following chart to figure out your sexual code. The code represents the connection between the physical traits that attract you, the feelings they arouse in you, and the themes of your fantasies.
Signifier or Symbol |
What It Represents |
Types of Fantasies Associated with Signifier |
Tight, firm body |
Power, strength, self-confidence |
Domination/submission, being protected or taken care of |
Tattoos and piercings |
Nonconformity, edginess, creativity |
Wild or adventurous sex |
Large breasts |
Femininity, maternal power |
Acting aggressively, being nurtured |
Gruff appearance |
Masculinity |
Rough or uninhibited sex, domination/submission |
Warm, open face |
Kindness |
Tender sex, making love, romance |
Conventional dress |
Stability |
Safe sex, being protected |
Suit and tie, uniforms |
Confidence |
Being treated well, being protected, romance, dreams of stability |
Muscular arms |
Strength/security |
Feeling safe and protected, losing oneself in another’s identity |
Large body |
Solidness, being grounded |
Being enveloped, losing oneself in another’s identity, nurtured, easing loneliness, eroticizing helplessness, feeling secure |
Kind eyes |
Warmth, femininity, |
Caretaking, romance, weakness, feeling secure |
Dark eye color (e.g., brown) |
Intensity, exoticism |
Wild sex, domination/ submission |
Light eye color (e.g., blue) |
Cool, calm |
Feeling secure, stability |
Sweaty smell |
Ruggedness, masculinity |
Adventure, dirty sex, forced sex |
Sweet smell |
Kindness, tenderness |
Romance, lovemaking |
Muscular and thick legs |
Power, strength, stability |
Helplessness, submissiveness, weakness |
Delicate hands |
Femininity, tenderness |
Romance, caretaking |
Strong hands |
Power, masculinity |
Helplessness, submissiveness |
Accent |
Exotic, wild |
Romance, adventure, exhibitionism |
If we understand the deeper nature of our attractions, we can intelligently set out to discover a sexually compatible partner with whom we form a relationship that is gratifying and transformative. If, on the other hand, we fail to value their meaning and act purely on lust, we risk making decisions that are misguided, soulless, or barren.
RIGHTING THE WRONG CHEMISTRY: KATHY
My patient Kathy presented such a dilemma.
“I always pick the wrong men,” Kathy told me at our first meeting.
“They’re usually really good-looking, but not classic good looks,” she continued, her voice especially animated.
When I asked her what that meant, she explained, “They always have some kind of an edge—long hair, tattoos, piercings—alternative in some way. Interesting, smart, but definitely not conventional.”
Kathy’s face was serious and beautiful, her slender body, delicate. Her dark hair hung just below her shoulders, framing bright pale blue eyes with dark thick lashes. She wore vintage clothing styled in a dramatic manner that expressed her originality along with the tiny diamond stud in her nose. Highly intelligent and articulate, she had earned her graduate degree in philosophy and at thirty-three was already on her way to becoming a tenured professor at a city university. Her choice to major in philosophy, I would later discover, was not an accident. She had a deep need to embrace a balanced view of the world.
When I asked her what made these men the “wrong men,” she said, “They’re usually not very well put together.” She formed a half-smile.
“They have jobs that go nowhere, no real career, or they’re emotionally or financially unstable. I tend to overlook these things at the start. Initially, I’m really attracted to them. The sexual connection is intense. They adore me and I adore them.”
“What happens then?” I asked.
“After a year, it becomes like a grand Italian opera. Demanding ex-wives, no money or career goals, heavy pot smoking, and depression. That kind of thing. You know, the usual chaos,” she laughed.
“Does that make the sexual connection even stronger?” If it was instability that excited her, I expected sex would grow wilder.
“Oh no, on the contrary. After the drama starts, I lose complete interest. I withdraw, avoid sex, or if I feel I have to, to be honest, I fake it. The things that I was attracted to at the start, sexually and otherwise, become annoying. I turn off to everything, especially sex.” She suddenly became solemn.
“And where does that lead?” I asked.
“I never recover my affection after that. I try, but I get really upset and angry. Then they get resentful and it escalates. Eventually it leads to a breakup.”
“How many times has this happened?”
She laughed again. “It’s been happening since I first started dating in high school. I’d say more than a handful of times. One thing you can say about me is that I’m consistent.”
I wanted to know about how her family history related to her sexuality with men.
Over the next few sessions, I learned that Kathy, an only child, had moved to a suburb outside of New York City after her parents divorced when she was around ten. She lived with her mother, Gail, who essentially raised her, though she would visit her father on the West Coast regularly and speak often with him on the telephone. There were financial difficulties over the years that led to their moving a few times, but despite the stress, the relationship with her mother was an anchor that stabilized her life and was of great comfort. Her mother, a social worker, had a second marriage to a man who had no children and was “jealous” of the close bond Kathy and Gail had forged over the years they lived alone. He also disapproved of Gail’s permissive style of parenting. “Fortunately,” Kathy said, “the marriage ended after a year.” Subsequently Kathy and Gail quietly nested. Gail withdrew from pursuing relationships with men until after Kathy went away to college.
Away from her mother, Kathy grew closer to her father, George, an accomplished artist who was living a rarefied bohemian life far different from the middle-class one Kathy and her mother had settled into. After his marriage to Gail ended, George had a few brief affairs. Eventually he remarried too, divorced again, and had since been involved in a series of intense relationships with much younger women, younger even than Kathy.
“My parents are extremely different people,” she told me. “My mom enjoys the simple things in life. She’s down to earth, no pretenses, though a bit high-strung. My dad’s more of a risk taker. He doesn’t play it safe, neither with his work or his relationships. He’s an artist, ambitious, exciting, interesting, but not very conventional. My mom’s more of a snorkeler, more comfortable staying on the surface. Dad, he’s a deep sea-diver.”
I asked her how she saw herself in relation to her parents’ distinctly different lifestyles.
“I’m split right down the middle. There are times I wish I had a more interesting, exciting life, and then there are times I just want to build a nest and feel safe. The truth is, I’ve never been able to fully commit to either way of living, nor can I say that I have found my own path. I kind of bounce between both.” I could read the sadness in her eyes.
As we explored this over the next few sessions, it became clear that while Kathy felt deeply loved by both her parents, each had exerted subtle though profound pressure on her to follow in their separate footsteps. Her mother encouraged her to make safe choices, while her father encouraged exploration. Kathy loved and appreciated them both, but her loyalty was clearly divided. The differences warred inside her and were reflected in the pattern of her relationships with men. Our conversations confirmed what I had suspected. During the heightened sexuality of her high school years, she had internalized and eroticized loyalty conflict, which had then shaped all of her romantic and sexual interests.
Because Kathy had already thought a great deal about her sexual life and had experimented over the years, our initial discussions about sex flowed easily and, unlike most patients, seemed to cause her little anxiety. She said she regularly masturbated, enjoying her sexual fantasies, many of which she acted out with partners. But when I pressed her to make deeper connections between her relationships with men and family history, as introspective as she was, she had never examined what lay beneath her desires and fantasies—their hidden meaning or the purpose they served.
When we reviewed the details of her romantic relationships over the next few sessions, a pattern became apparent. After a period of time enjoying a quiet, solitary life in which she focused primarily on work—writing papers and attending professional conferences—Kathy gradually grew bored and restless.
“I would feel like I had neglected my social life. I’d start going out with friends more, to clubs and parties. I would always meet guys and would start out casually dating. Then he would turn up, the ultimate bad boy. His piercings, tattoos, long hair, or cocky attitude are what first attracted me. If he showed an interest in me, and if, after we got acquainted, I discovered that his attitude and behavior matched my fantasy of him, I would be dazzled—heart pounding, bells and whistles, wild chemistry.”
Sex would be thrilling during the courtship and the emotional connection just as intense. Kathy’s intelligence, kindness, and compassion were compelling to these men, whose lives were often out of control. They welcomed her advice and support. Boundaries gradually disappeared as their daily lives merged. She allowed herself to dissolve into the relationship.
For a time, life felt “whole and balanced.” Following her mother’s example, she had successfully provided stability for these troubled men, acting as their anchor. In return they made her life interesting and exciting allowing her to fulfill her father’s mandate. Without knowing it, Kathy had found a way to honor both sides of her conflict through her erotic attractions.
That is, until the trouble began and what was “edgy” suddenly slipped over the edge. The artist couldn’t pay his bills, the smell of pot clung to the bedroom walls, the biker’s criminal friends unexpectedly turned up, and the entrepreneur’s intrusive ex-wife wrote harassing emails. In her boyfriends’ attempts to solve their problems, their attention and energy became focused on themselves, leaving Kathy feeling abandoned. Everything was turned upside down and changed. At first she would do whatever she could to help them, but when the situation didn’t improve or the men became too needy, Kathy grew increasingly angry and finally withdrew her support.
By now, it was clear that from the start of each romantic involvement, Kathy misunderstood the true purpose of her desires and had instead acted on her initial attractions (tattoos, long hair, piercings—representations of the “bad boy”), which put her on the path to unfulfilling and unstable relationships.
I explained. “For most of us, our initial attractions act as useful divining rods, but sadly, yours led you to empty wells. What you didn’t recognize in the past is that the deeper purpose of these attractions is to help you mend conflicting loyalties and not simply to add excitement to what you often feel is a far-too-conventional life. Sure, your initial experiences with men who were more like your dad, gave you a sense of completeness, but as you’ve repeatedly proved, it was kind of a fool’s paradise. The excitement inevitably turned to chaos and life quickly became unbalanced again.”
I went on. “Frankly, I think you’ve gone about dating backwards. The key to healing the loyalty conflict is for you to take responsibility yourself for creating adventure rather than depending on men to do it for you. Don’t assume that men who look like ‘bad boys’ are always interesting. I recommend that you do the opposite of what you’ve done in the past. Only date men who can offer you kindness and support, whom you can trust the way you do your mother and with whom you can potentially form a restorative relationship.”
Kathy interrupted me. “I understand what you’re saying. But I’ve never been attracted to those men. There’s just no chemistry.”
“Watch how things can change,” I said. “Now that you understand your sexual motivation, you can follow it. Maybe there won’t be bells and whistles at first, but you may discover that with stability and time your partner becomes more sexually and otherwise adventurous, especially if you show him the way. In response, your attraction may grow stronger.”
While Kathy was not entirely convinced by my recommendation, she took it seriously, and with the same persistence she used in choosing the “wrong men,” she went about dating men with more stable lives even though it felt “foreign” to her.
About a year or so later, Kathy met Steve, a successful doctor a few years older than she. He was thoughtful, smart, supportive, but pretty “straitlaced” in his approach to life. They regularly went to the theater, museums, and concerts and dined at good restaurants, things that Kathy was unable to do with less successful partners. They had many long, philosophical conversations about life. Her experience felt “rich, full, and stimulating,” she said. And while she had not been wildly attracted to Steve at the start, as I predicted, he was very attracted to her and eager to follow her sexual lead, which, in turn, excited her.
When Kathy last checked in with me, she and Steve had been dating for nearly a year. The relationship is “deepening,” she said. “There’s a lot of tenderness between us.”
“Are you getting restless?” I asked
“Not at all.” she answered. “We have a really good time together. We do lots of fun things.”
“And what about sex?”
“Let’s put it this way. I never bore him.”
ALYSSA’S THOUGHTS
Virtual Chemistry
Earlier, I discussed how useful the Internet can be in helping us identify our true desires. The Internet is also one of the primary ways that people are meeting prospective partners. While many of us still meet in classes, bars, at work, or at social events, more and more of us are making our first contact on dating websites or in chat rooms rather than in person, especially young people in their twenties, some of whom have little to no experience meeting romantic or sexual partners in other ways. The Internet has revolutionized the dating experience, in part by expanding our options. It gives us the opportunity to meet people whom we would never come in contact with in the usual course of our lives.
But assessing chemistry over the Internet is quite another matter.
Digital photographs tell us something about other people, but not nearly as much as a personal meeting. We usually show our most flattering images in photographs—perfectly posed, lit, and sometimes even altered with Photoshop. But pictures don’t give us access to many of the important signals, like smell, speech, and mannerisms, all of which go into assessing chemistry,
And while chatting can provide some interesting information, we’ve all heard stories of people who, in person, turn out to be nothing like how they presented themselves online. In some instances, they’ve created whole identities that are far more fictional than real.
It’s not all that uncommon to feel disappointed when we finally meet the person we’ve been talking to online because the fantasy we’ve created in our mind doesn’t match the person we’ve just met over a cup of coffee. Time and time again, we find ourselves let down by the lack of chemistry when meeting someone with whom we felt as if we had a strong connection online. It’s the rare occasions when sparks may fly and we feel like we’ve hit the jackpot.
I don’t mean to discourage you from using the Internet to meet new people and make dates. But keep in mind that real chemistry is difficult to determine from the clues we receive online. And chemistry, as it’s described in this book, is essential in choosing a partner.
Also keep in mind that as our desires change with experience, so does chemistry. When we satisfy unmet needs or repair childhood conflicts, we may find that who or what attracted us may no longer turn us on in the way it once had. We may even discover that the list of things that excite us has grown in unexpected ways. Self-discovery is an ongoing process in which each new revelation leads to another.