CHAPTER 9

Step 6: Acting Out Sexual Fantasies

When we act out our fantasies, our entire inner world comes into focus, giving sex its humanity, spirituality, and depth. Where in the past we’ve compartmentalized the mind, body, and soul as if they were separate and unrelated entities, now we consciously bring them together, making our true sexuality a fully integrated part of our being. Acting out sexuality also demands that we leave ordinary time behind by engaging as deeply as possible with our past, present, and future. When we are fully present, that is, when our actions, thoughts, and fantasies align, the sex that results has the potential to satisfy unmet needs, reconcile childhood conflicts, and create a future that is authentic and fulfilling. We cannot fully appreciate the meaning of our fantasies and desires until we are engaged in them.

Yet most people go through the motions of sex, not being fully aware of the deeper nature of things. And while the idea of planning a sexual scenario in which we act out our desires may seem contrived, all the preparations and all the activities that go into creating the experience infuse it with attention and inspiration. Giving ourselves plenty of time, preparing a place, adorning it and ourselves, creates a sexual atmosphere more powerful than any we have ever experienced. And if we do our work, the experience can feel effortless, even glorious in the truest sense, because it calls into action reverence for ourselves and our partners.

Going from fantasy to experience presents challenges. Our erotic desires can be unsettling or disturbing. We may find them too graphic and shocking. The further our desires stray from convention, the greater our fear and the more likely we are to distrust their enactment. Some experts even argue that fantasies should never be brought into reality because they can arouse feelings of shame, jealousy, rivalry, or betrayal. But personal growth requires focusing on enlarging our lives through overcoming our fears and inhibitions.

Our fantasies may both attract and revolt us, yet they are laden with meaning and purpose, which, when understood, allow us to transcend our own moral judgments and expand our attitudes and sensibilities. Our true desires are far from malevolent forces. Still, we have to have faith that when we align our actions with our thoughts, we will benefit deeply. Honoring our true sexuality is a fundamental affirmation of life. How can we behave with integrity in other circumstances, if we cannot be truthful with ourselves and our partners?

By following the steps of intelligent lust, we have already established sexually compatibility with a partner as well as gained his respect, acceptance, and friendship. At that moment, sex may happen organical. One day we just might find ourselves falling into the arms of our lover or straddling his knee for a spanking. On the other hand, we might feel more comfortable setting up a specific scene or laying out a scenario detail for detail.

To gain the deepest benefits, we open our minds and our hearts and act out the stories that shape our sexuality. We give ourselves plenty of time, creating an atmosphere more purposeful than any we have ever experienced. Within it, we welcome the ghosts of the past.

Some partners prefer the structure to remain loose, emphasizing a few actions or fragments of stories, while others prefer a more highly structured script. Either way we engage all our senses in full action—moving, talking, imagining, touching—an involvement that is ultimately both thrilling and spiritual.

Here are some helpful guidelines for creating what should be a rich, unreserved, and imaginative scene:

• Share exactly what you want, what you’re willing to do, and, equally important, what you’re not willing to do.
• Create sexual rules and boundaries for safety.
• Establish a language for sex: words or signals that give your partner permission to go forward or to stop.
• Decide on what sex toys or equipment to use.
• Choose the setting. Does it matter where the action takes place? Consider the time of day or if you want any props involved.
• Establish the degree of roughness, control, or pain.
• Create a script, as loose or detailed as makes you comfortable, of how you want the scene to unfold. If particular dialogue adds to the eroticism of the experience, have your partner rehearse it.
• Take turns. Establish when each partner’s scene will get acted out.

Any anxiety or self-consciousness you may feel in anticipation of acting out fantasies should yield to the excitement of expressing your true nature. Within the structure we’ve created, there is plenty of room for spontaneity. As your inner feelings, attitudes, and behavior interact with a real person on unfamiliar ground, anything can happen.

When we act-out our fantasies with a partner with whom we are truly sexually compatible, we enter into an altered state, a realm in which acting is supremely important, yet nothing could be more real and serious. It is a paradox in which we ecstatically lose ourselves to passion, yet remain sublimely tethered to our deepest psychological truth. All the different levels of our sexuality run together, and sex becomes profoundly meaningful, though it may not be tender or sweet. It is a true elixir—a cathartic experience that reconciles past conflicts and satisfies unmet needs.

PLAYING ROLES: JANE

My patient Jane has a younger sister who was physically handicapped by muscular dystrophy at a very young age. Jane’s parents felt terrible guilt over her sister’s condition and vigilantly attended to her, accommodating her every need, far beyond what was necessary.

Not only did Jane herself feel guilty for being the healthy child but she also suffered silently from her parents’ inattentiveness toward her and wondered what it would be like to be the center of anyone’s attention. Furthermore, in high school Jane was taller than most of the boys and less physically developed than the girls, so she ended up with the horrible nickname of Olive Oil.

As she grew, Jane developed sexual fantasies in which she was a beautiful enchantress who could charm and seduce even the most handsome and unavailable man around.

Jane came to me for therapy at thirty because she felt lonely and isolated. She’d suffered a string of failed relationships with men she described as “emotionally unavailable.”

“They put their work or families ahead of me,” she told me.

Jane soon recognized she had repeatedly reenacted her childhood conflict by choosing men who gave her so little attention. And while she was highly sexual in these relationships, she also abandoned her true sexual desires in favor of pleasing her partners, whose approval she desperately sought.

Over time, she allowed herself to enjoy her fantasies and eventually began dating from a new perspective. Now she looked for men who were a better match, using intelligent lust as her guide. And she learned to replace her plain and neutral self-image with one more flirtatious and seductive.

Within months, Jane met a man named Bill. Bill had also been tall and awkward as an adolescent and he also had sibling issues; as a boy he had been compared to his handsome and brilliant older brother. Despite his physical awkwardness, Bill had natural talent as an athlete and in high school was a varsity basketball player. Still, even as his star was rising, Bill felt uncomfortable around girls and developed a reputation as a geek. In his fantasies, however, Bill imagined being wildly pursued by women. His favorite masturbatory fantasy was having a harem of women chasing after him.

With my coaching, Jane got Bill to talk about his fantasies, and soon they agreed to act them out, setting up regular dates in bars. Together they developed a script for their encounters. Pretending they didn’t know each other, Jane would flirt with the tall guy, flatter and charm him with compliments, and eventually invite him home. At first Bill would resist, but inevitably he would surrender to the intense seduction. At home, he would make love to her for hours while she teased and taunted him until they both climaxed, satisfying each other’s sexual fantasies.

The experience continued regularly over several months, and as they grew more trusting of each other, their emotional and sexual exploration deepened as well as their intensity and satisfaction.

Acting out her fantasies changed Jane. She felt empowered. Not only did she feel her deepest needs had been validated and affirmed by Bill, but for the first time she felt “real.”

Although Jane ended the relationship with Bill several months later when she found an exciting job out-of-state, it was a profoundly helpful experience that served to correct a lifetime of neglect. Their high level of intimacy served as a standard of measure for all future relationships.

Sometimes acting out our fantasies falls short of what we imagined. It’s one thing for them to exist in our minds, but another entirely when we make them real. And while we might feel disappointed, usually such feelings improve with time and experience. Do your best to move beyond your disappointment by discussing your experience with your partner and planning the details of a reenactment that might be closer to your expectations.

As we continue to explore the nuances and subtleties of our sexuality by acting-out our desires, we stop measuring our actions against what has been handed down to us and develop our own moral code. We are constantly learning to express aspects of who we are with greater authenticity. The degree of intimacy, respect, and trust achieved with a partner through this process is unimaginable when compared to our past sexual experience.

ALYSSA’S THOUGHTS

Contextualizing Anger

I have one comment here—a caveat. While I fully support kink and other “fringe” sexual choices, there is an increased risk of both physical and emotional harm to oneself and others when participants are acting from a place of hurt or anger. Sexual encounters should always be consensual, and clear communication is essential when the acting out of fantasies includes the subjugation, pain, or humiliation of another person. By carefully completing the previous steps of intelligent lust, we come to this situation from a place of self-knowledge and self-worth. This reduces the risks of acting directly out of anger because the process engages our sense of reason. By understanding the origin of our aggressive behavior, even though we may continue to sexualize it, it becomes much more within our control. We can then consciously and deliberately use it to help heal the underlying conflict.