…there is secret agents and insurance agents and real estate agents and all kinds of agents and you can’t trust none of the bastards…
Monroe D. Underwood
I pulled into the little parking lot behind Betsy’s Last Chance.
It was a sharp turn off the alley and I had a tough time squeezing the Olds between a Ford and a Chevy.
I climbed the back stairs to our apartment.
Very slowly.
There was a dull ache in my groin and the rest of me was numb.
I felt like I had been hit by the Wabash Cannonball.
I stepped into the kitchen and dropped my suitcase by the door.
I heard voices in the living room.
I went in.
Betsy was wearing her blue pajamas and a beige robe.
She perched on the arm of our beige chair.
Grogan sat in our blue chair.
Ace Hacker and Harry Jennings sat on our blue couch.
Harry’s stuffed panda sat on our beige coffee table.
I said not another goddam reunion.
Harry said yeah sort of.
He said sit down Chance.
Betsy was pale.
Her eyes blazed tiny blue daggers.
She said Chance I want you to run out and buy a machine gun and shoot these people.
I said what’s the score?
Betsy said good Lord I don’t even know who’s playing.
She glared at Ace and Harry.
She said first these two screwballs came in and hid in a closet.
She frowned at Grogan.
She said then this gorilla came in.
She said then the two screwballs jumped out of the closet and pounced on the gorilla.
She said it’s been like an old-time movie.
She said it was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.
I said well if it was so funny how come you aren’t laughing?
Betsy said because I’m so goddam mad I can’t see straight.
Harry said Chance I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce Mr. Leonid K. Groganovitch.
He said Mr. Groganovitch is from Voroshilovgrad and he is employed by an organization known as the KGB.
He said Groganovitch is the best they have but he made a grave error.
He said he tangled with Brandy Alexander who is the best the CIA has.
He said Groganovitch lost.
He said just ask Groganovitch.
Grogan said Brandy Alexander cheats.
I sat on the couch with Ace and Harry.
I said what have you bastards been smoking?
Betsy said the gorilla told me has was going to take me back to Winsocki.
Grogan said Kaleski.
I said what the hell for?
Betsy said I think he wanted a banana.
Grogan said we will bury you.
Betsy said he seems to have the idea my name is Sunny or something.
Grogan said Sonia.
He said Princess Sonia of Kaleski and traitor to the people’s revolution.
He raised his fist and said long live the revolution.
I looked at Harry.
I said Harry I’m tired.
Harry grinned.
He said you ought to be.
I said why don’t you three go downstairs and talk to Old Dad Underwood?
I said he’ll get this all straightened out in a hurry.
Harry said Chance your wife has given you a brief outline.
He said we’ll try to fill you in on the particulars.
He said Kaleski fell to the Communists nearly thirty years ago and Sonia’s collaborationist Uncle Zoono was installed as puppet ruler.
He said then the Kremlin put out an all points bulletin on Sonia.
He said she’s legitimate heir to the throne of Kaleski and she’s a fly in the soup.
Betsy said buzz buzz.
Grogan said capitalist comedienne.
Harry said recently Groganovitch was given the job of getting Sonia and Brandy was given the job of getting Groganovitch.
He said while Groganovitch was passing himself off as a CIA agent to everybody in sight Brandy was passing herself off as a KGB agent to Grogan.
He said it developed into a close-quarters duel between the two best in the business.
He said Brandy eventually outmaneuvered him.
Betsy stared at me.
She said now do you agree with me?
She said all three of these characters climbed out of somebody’s cookie jar.
She said you call the cops and I’ll open a window and scream.
Ace said take it easy Mrs. Purdue everything’s okay now.
He turned to me.
He said Brandy baited a trap.
He said for some insane reason the KGB was beginning to zero in on your wife as being the missing Princess Sonia.
He said Brandy decided to capitalize on their mistake.
He said she sent letters and packages to Kaleski and she made several trips with evidence that would firmly establish Betsy as the needle in the haystack.
He said one of our old battalion crests set the hook and it was all downhill after that.
He said Brandy sold Groganovitch on the idea of the KGB throwing an expenses-paid bash for our outfit.
He said Brandy convinced Groganovitch to hire you to spot Sonia.
He said ostensibly this was done to get you out of the way and render Betsy vulnerable to an uncomplicated kidnapping but the real purpose of the plan was to lure Groganovitch into the net.
He said it worked to perfection and we have the big fish on several counts.
He said espionage and attempted kidnapping and impersonating a government agent and breaking into a broom closet to name a few.
Grogan groaned and touched his nose gingerly.
Harry said Chance we’ve been a CIA team for years and we pulled this assignment because Langley knew we’d fit in well at the reunion.
I said I got one question.
I said whose side is that goddam panda on?
Grogan snickered.
I looked at him.
I said you sonofabitch.
Grogan sneered.
He said capitalist swine.
He said Barbara Frietchie was a whore.
Betsy said call girl you ignorant baboon.
She spun in my direction.
She said Chance who the hell is Barbara Frietchie?
Grogan said Barbara Frietchie is dead.
He said she was waving that goofy flag and she fell out of a window and busted her rotten old ass.
I pointed a stern finger at Grogan.
I said look Grogan trying to kidnap my wife is one thing.
I said sitting in my living room and bad-mouthing Barbara Frietchie is an entirely different goddam matter.
Harry waved his hands and hollered shut up.
He said everybody shut up.
He said Groganovitch you missed the boat.
He said you’ve been rubbing elbows with Sonia without knowing it.
He said Brandy Alexander is Princess Sonia of Kaleski and she has hated Communists since the day you bastards gunned her father down.
Grogan shook his head and smiled slyly.
He said nyet.
He said Sonia is blonde and blue-eyed.
Ace Hacker threw back his head and laughed uproariously.
He said why you blundering Bolshevik boob.
He said haven’t you heard of hair-dye and tinted contact lenses?
Grogan sat bolt upright in our blue chair.
His eyes widened perceptibly.
He snarled.
He said so.
He said more capitalist trickery.
Harry said well Chance we have to run along.
Ace said yeah we’ll take Groganovitch downtown and run him through the grinder.
He said if he isn’t cooperative we’ll just have to drive him out to the Reggis Arms and lock him in 415 with Nellie Callahan.
Grogan leaped from his chair and rumbled through our apartment.
For a man with a limp he moved with surprising speed.
Ace and Harry jumped up and collided with each other.
I started after Grogan.
Ace fell on top of me.
Harry fell on top of Ace.
I said get off goddammit.
I said let me nail that big bastard.
I said he insulted Barbara Frietchie.
Betsy looked at the tangled pile of humanity.
She said oh God the Three Stooges ride again.
We headed for the back door.
Grogan had left it ajar and rain was drifting in.
We heard Grogan fall down the back stairs.
We heard an engine start.
Tires screamed.
We burst onto the landing.
Ace had unlimbered a Colt .45 and Harry was brandishing a wicked-looking Luger.
They poured a fusillade into the night.
I said what the hell are you guys shooting at?
I pointed to Kimball Avenue.
I said he went that way.
Ace said Chance it’s too damn dark for accuracy.
I said yeah but you could have come closer than that.
I said you just blew the windshield out of my Olds.
Harry said sorry old buddy.
There was a thunderous crash on Kimball Avenue.
Grogan had driven into the side of a southbound moving van.
He piled out of his demolished Chevy and shook his fists at the van driver.
He yelled capitalist road hog.
He headed down Kimball Avenue at a gallop.
Ace said the sonofabitch got away.
Harry said yeah well what the hell Ace.
He said you win a few you lose a few.
Betsy was standing behind us.
She was shaking her head.
She said dear God in Heaven I just don’t believe this.
Harry said where’s my panda?
Betsy said I think he just walked out.
She caught my eye.
She said men make lousy operatives.