LEARNING WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE ME GO BALLISTIC

IT’S WEDNESDAY. Five days since the slam.

I’m working in school.

I’m trying.

The last two days, I’ve turned in my math homework. I’ve taken notes in science, been a responsible lab partner.

But the worrying does not stop.

I think about what it would be like if Luis were here. Would we be talking to each other? Would we hang out?

In McClean’s class, I stare at his seat and lose myself in a daydream. I imagine the two of us taking off after school, talking about stuff as we head over to Bob’s 99 Cent Burgers on Pac Highway. We order about three Bobs each and go on and on about how unbelievable it is that you can get a burger this juicy and great for only ninety-nine little Lincolns, plus tax. I picture us sitting there, dipping our fries in tartar and shooting the shit for hours.

Mr. McClean interrupts the dream and hands me back some corrected papers. He’s smiling and extends a hand for me to shake. It creeps me out, but I shake the hand. He slaps me on the back and says, “Congratulations!” and tells me how great it is that I’m doing my homework.

Which is nice.

I’m happy for about half a second. Then something tells me he’s not done talking and I’m not gonna like what he’s gonna say. Please, McClean, please stop right there.

He can’t.

“Sam,” he says, “I know you like Luis. I do too. But you have to admit you’re doing a much better job since he’s been gone—without his influence. I don’t think there’s any coincidence there.”

I boil over and explode on him: “You don’t know one thing about Luis!”

I pause for a second and tell myself to stop.

But I can’t.

“You have no idea what kind of an influence he is on me! You don’t know him enough to like him or dislike him! So the next time you wanna talk to me about Luis, save your breath and shove a couple jelly doughnuts in your piehole and think about who influenced YOU and made you—”

Don’t say it, Sam!

“Such a shitty teacher!”

We stand in dead silence for a second.

“I think you need to go to the office,” he says.

“Yes I do,” I say.