Prelude
To tell or not to tell, that is the question!
narrative one:
this whole idea of coming out to parents and family is totally irrelevant in my life. matlab (i mean), we as a family are very distant, i mean emotionally. we are like a unit that shares gossip, social information, discuss political happenings, but we never really talk about ourselves. so my family has no idea for instance that i was taking anti-depressants at one point in my life or that i have been a smoker for over a decade now, so discussing with them who i have sex with or who i am emotionally close to or in a relationship with is just… well simply not relevant, you know.
now while this is true, it is also true that i have taken several of my boyfriends home. in fact i think, my parents have met all my partners, but not as partners of course! it is like a classic, ‘don’t ask, don’t tell policy’. matlab (i mean), they will not ask “who is this friend? how come you spend so much time with him?”, or “what happened to this other friend we had met last time? you would always talk about him all these years and you don’t seem to meet him or talk about him anymore?” so when i was living with them and that was a long time ago, while i was finishing my undergrad studies, they have seen me go through break-ups… that whole natak (drama) about late night phone calls, fights, crying, banging the phone receiver… and they have never asked a single question.
what is interesting to me is that, though there are no conversations about any of this, my mother has known about all my ex’s favourite foods (with one person, even food allergies), their likes/dislikes… similarly, they have seen me write on lgbtq issues, give interviews to magazines and TV shows, they have read interviews of my gay friend’s mom who speaks to the media as a strong ally of the movement. they read, watch these, and even share with their friends with the tag line “our son works for the rights of these people”. so you see coming out to family is irrelevant in this context. i live my life fully and they live theirs…
narrative two:
i cannot imagine a life of not sharing my joys, my sorrows, my dilemmas, my challenges, my gayness with my mother; cannot think of having to ever choose between my girlfriend and my mom by my side on birthdays, anniversaries, job promotion parties, shifting houses, buying a car, days of tooth extraction and other kinds of aches and losses; telling my mother about being in love… about s, who she is, how special she is, how she looks after me, makes the best biryani in the world, you know, little things like that…
i think an interesting thing about coming out to your parents is also about sharing and talking about your partner, your life together, your ‘gay’ life together. in some ways that makes it easy to talk about your gayness, the fact that you are in a relationship, you have someone who will look out for you… it in a way normalizes your gayness, almost gives it a kind of a respectability, makes it relatable. i think we as a society think of the world in pairs or groups, you know like couples and families… there is safety in it but also a sense of achievement and worthiness. also, i think, we are just terribly invested in the idea of everlasting romance and love. so if you were to come out and tell your parents, “mom, i am in love with so and so”, it would be so much more palatable than just saying, “i am gay!” i think that the latter will evoke a barrage of questions like, “what would that mean for your life? who will you marry? who will look after you?” i think that the idea of singleness can evoke a sense of lack, anxiety, incompleteness
and i think it is anyway damned tough in our context to talk about sex with our parents, so in my coming out story, there have been lots of references to love but none to sex. it is like saying, you don’t talk about your sex life with me, and i will not talk about mine with you (laughs). it would be nice though to be acknowledged as a couple, you know like mom-dad have a bedroom and my sister and her husband are given a separate room, when they visit, i would like that kind of treatment for me and s too… it’s not just about what is said, but also what is unsaid…
narrative three:
i grew up surrounded by a lot of violence… there was my feminine side that led to massive bullying in school. i was commonly and regularly called ‘sissy’, ‘faggot’, ‘bailya’ (effeminate) as though i did not have a real name, then there was violence at home… there was violence that was happening in the city in which our small colony in mahim in what used to be called bombay was very much involved. the year was 1992 and the violence i refer to was unleashed in preparation for and after the demolition of the babri masjid in ayodhya, uttar pradesh. it is strange, how events occurring in a far flung land that you have never seen can affect the way you relate to your neighbours, your school mates… that’s the magic of hate and violence, it can burn down anything and everything, known and unknown, in its wake.
in these times of hate, here i was, a class 10th student, a hindu, brahmin boy with my sissy self, specially marked in the face of all the machismo… boys and men alike, in service of a hindu rashtra, performing poojas and maha-aratis (community prayers), beating the drums and playing ‘lezim’ (a drill performed with a hand instrument that has many cymbals) with military precision.
so, for me, finding peace and happiness within myself, being ok with my gay self and feeling integrated from within is more about avoiding violence. it is about knowing that i will not lose my job or my house or i will not be publicly humiliated for being, who i am. in that sense, safety within my small world is much more important to me than coming out and telling the world…
i think that even in the gay world, we are sometimes so naïve… yaar (my friend) ask yourself, that at this moment in the country, who can really participate in this exercise of announcing with ‘pride’? it’s like they say, “garv se kaho…”, that sentence can only end with “garv se kaho, hum hindu hai” (“say it with pride; we are hindu”—a slogan used by hindu right wing groups and political parties). this whole exercise of chest thumping and talking about 56 inch chest size (used in the pre-election speeches by the current prime minister of india), is about a certain kind of an indian. it cannot be a safe space to come out for a five feet one inch tall, effeminate gay boy and certainly not for a poor, non-hindu lesbian woman or trans-person… you may say that it is a bit of a far-fetched thing to say, but i think there is a direct relationship between a functioning secular democracy and coming out as gay or queer with pride.
narrative four:
i think it is all about meeting the right kind of people at the right time. i mean, you have to feel ready within to embrace your sexuality and then at that time, you should be able to find good role models… people you can look up to, where you can say, “he is gay and happy, so can i be”… it’s like seeing and knowing that this is possible, viable, ho sakta hai, can happen or rather, can be made to happen.
it’s a journey, you know, from the time i first read the word ‘gay’ in a newspaper article and kept the cutting of that article in my wallet, to deciding to migrate to Mumbai to be able to live my life, to being part of a circle of gay friends, to having lots of fun, gay sex (laughs). telling friends, boss, colleagues then came as the next natural progression in the story. the real challenge was telling parents and i think i finally did that only to get them to stop fixing up these meetings with girls and sending me letters and pictures of girls.
because i was so ‘normal’ during my growing up years, did all the boy things in terms of rough play, fights, getting into trouble with school authorities, having female friends, who were seen by them as my girlfriends, an image i then encouraged as that served as a good cover for me till i left home—so they had no idea until i came out and told them. it was tough, but i realized that once i was out of home and out of the closet, going back in was just not an option for me.
Stage models of gay, lesbian identity development described in the introductory chapter lay emphasis on ‘coming out’ as a significant stage in the development of a gay or lesbian identity. This process of coming out has been defined as disclosure to others that one is gay or lesbian (APA 2004), and inherent to this disclosure is the notion of coming out to oneself, or self-acknowledgement/self-acceptance of being lesbian or gay. Coming out is not a one-time occasion. Comfort with one’s sexuality changes and is likely to grow with time and so are the chances of disclosure to more and more people. Coming out is thus often described as a life-long process that involves a widening circle of friends, family and acquaintances. Viewed from the perspective of the stage models of lesbian, gay, bisexual (LGB) identity development, coming out to oneself and to others is a cornerstone in the process of self-acceptance (Cass 1979; Troiden 1979).
Most stage models describe LG identity development as occurring across various stages. These stages usually start with the individual becoming aware of and often confused by same-sex attractions. This is accompanied by defences and attempts at denial and blocking personal feelings. While these defences may last a long time, individuals may eventually learn to tolerate their homosexual feelings; this may be followed by greater self-awareness, looking for information and meanings of homosexuality, having homosexual experiences, working through questions of natural/normal versus unnatural/abnormal, guilt, fear, and so on. As individuals become more comfortable with the possibility of being gay and begin to accept themselves, they are said to enter the stage of ‘coming out’ or what has been defined by the various stage model theorists as ‘coming out, identity tolerance, identity acceptance’ and so on (Cass 1979; Troiden 1988; Coleman 1982). Fassinger (1998) developed a four-stage model of lesbian identity development that described two strands or processes in identity development. These two strands refer to individual sexual identity development and group membership identity development relating to one’s place in the gay/lesbian community. Both these strands include four stages of development: awareness (about oneself and others like oneself); exploration of one’s feelings and attractions and relationship to the community; deepening and internalizing a sense of being gay or lesbian and committing to the lesbian and gay community; synthesis i.e. incorporating one’s sexual identity in one’s overall identity and internalizing a minority group identity across contexts. This model of identity development also emphasizes a need to come out and commit to a lesbian or gay identity. D’Augelli (1994) has proposed a lifespan approach to sexual identity development with emphasis on six developmental tasks: exiting heterosexual identity; developing a personal gay identity status; developing a gay social identity; becoming a gay offspring; developing a gay intimacy status; and, entering a gay community. Here, too, the second, third, and fourth tasks—of developing personal and social gay identity and becoming a gay offspring—are related to coming out to oneself and others, including one’s parents.
One of the major assumptions in all of these models of identity development is that successful development of a lesbian or gay identity is about resolution of an internal conflict within the individual; it is about self-acceptance or rather individuals allowing themselves or giving themselves the permission to embrace their lesbian or gay self through the resolution of intra-psychic conflicts. In other words, stage models of identity development view gay or lesbian sexuality as something that is already there and the task of identity exploration, development, and acquisition, is about being able to work through difficulties to find and accept oneself. The other assumption underlying these models is that a healthy and well-adjusted lesbian or gay person is the one who, after successful resolution of internal conflicts, decides to come out to significant others including family, friends, and colleagues. In this chapter, I challenge both these assumptions by making an assertion that coming out as gay or lesbian may have much more to do with one’s interpersonal and social contexts, and not necessarily to do with internal conflicts.
There are several other critiques of the stage models of LG identity development. One of the critiques is that the stage models tend to define sexual identity development in terms of a linear progression that starts, for the LG individual, with a negative, socially ascribed, heterosexual identity, and ends in becoming an ‘out’ and happy LG person. Thus, not only is development viewed as a linear process but there is value-attribution associated with moving up on the development ladder. Also, these models understate the importance of the social context within which the LG identity development occurs. Finally, they minimize the tremendous variation in experiences of LG individuals that is mediated by ‘contexts’ of social class, ethnicity, age, gender, and other background factors (Kaufman and Johnson 2004).
4.1 Symbolic Interactionism1: A Framework to Understand Identity Development and Disclosure Among Gay and Lesbian Individuals
Kaufman and Johnson (2004) suggest that in order to centre the role of social context and interaction between ‘self and context’ within the narrative of development and maintenance of a LG identity, symbolic interactionist literature on self and identity, to theorize gay and lesbian identity development, would be useful. They use Goffman’s work (1963) ‘Stigma–Notes on Management of a Spoiled Identity’ to describe the process of individuals becoming aware of their sexual identity, becoming aware of social perceptions of the same and using various stigma management strategies and negotiations situated within their contexts.
Kaufman and Johnson (2004) argue that key concepts and theory from symbolic interactionism provide a more coherent theoretical framework to examine identity development and the situated complexity of identity negotiation and disclosure among gay and lesbian individuals. The concept of reflected appraisals—individuals’ perceptions of how others perceive them—is central in symbolic interactionist research on how social interaction impacts the self (Gecas and Burke 1995). In the case of gay and lesbian persons, as they begin to become aware of their same-sex attractions, they also become aware of society’s negative evaluations of same-sex sexuality. Thus, as the identity standard (view of oneself) of a LG person develops, so does their awareness of negative reflected appraisals from society. In fact, the presence of hostile and negative reflected appraisal hinders the development of a strong identity standard. As discussed in the previous chapter, the initial identity standard of an LG person is likely to be negative as mediated by the negative reflected appraisals from others. However, research on reflected appraisal also points to the role of the active individual, who interprets, acts on, and may even refute, reflected appraisals (Gecas and Schwalbe 1983; Ichiyama 1993; Milkie 1999). Burke (1991) points out that individuals actively construct identity. Burke theorizes that individuals strive for consistency between their view of themselves (identity standard) and their perceptions of how others see them (reflected appraisals). When inconsistencies arise, individuals act in ways to bring the reflected appraisals more in line with the identity standard. In doing so, individuals may reject reflected appraisals that are not important to them or come from others they do not value, or they may look for objective information in the environment that may counter the reflected appraisals (Ichiyama 1993; Milkie 1999). They may engage in social movements to actively change the perceptions of their social group (Goffman 1963), may selectively associate with supportive others, and try to sustain an identity that is congruent with their self-concept (Snow and Anderson 1987). Some of these ideas, such as looking for and finding people like oneself, in the form of LGBTQ communities and other supportive allies, as well as engaging with LGBTQ groups and collectives for larger social change, are discussed in the next chapter.
The role of reflected appraisals from one’s immediate environment, and the importance of individual agency in rejecting negative appraisals and looking for positive ones in consolidation of identity, can also be found in literature that compares experiences of sexual minorities with that of other marginalized and minority groups such as ethnic and religious minorities. Like other minority groups, sexual minorities are also characterized by group victimization, concern about group stigma, denial of membership, and aggression towards one’s group (Allport 1954; Martin 1982). Thus, they too have to face the effects of negative appraisals. However, there exist several differences between other minorities and sexual minorities. One major difference, in the context of reflected appraisals and stigma, is that individuals who are gay or lesbian are usually born in heterosexual households and hence they do not get labelled as ‘discredited’ at the moment of birth itself. This ‘discredited’ status, which Goffman (1963) refers to as ‘undesired differentness’, is something that they become aware of as they are growing up. The undesired differentness, if and when it becomes known, would make the individual ‘discredited’. Though there are obvious differences between ethnic or religious minorities and sexual minorities, I draw upon the work of a Dalit scholar describing the childhood experiences of a Dalit child in Maharashtra, India. Thorat (1979), in a chapter titled ‘Passage to Adulthood: Perceptions from Below’, describes the process of entry into a stigmatized identity, right from birth, of a Mahar/Dalit child in Maharashtra, India, and the possible exit from this identity by forming a new identity for oneself. Thorat states that an untouchable child, particularly one growing up in a village, receives guidance and messages from his parents, family, caste-mates, and caste Hindus regarding his identity, and it is this range of experiences and explanations that shape his attitude towards his stigmatized identity. Whether the child accepts or rejects this identity will depend on several factors, including: explanations given by parents, caste-mates, and caste Hindus about challenging or defending the stigma; whether there exists around him, in a visible way, social struggle against the caste system; and, whether the child is exposed to education and ideologies that are emancipatory or status-quoist in nature. Thus, the forming of a new identity, with an ideological base rooted in equality, would be dependent on several factors in the person’s immediate as well as larger social context.
In the context of ‘growing up gay’, too, early experiences such as correction of one’s gender and sexual expression by parents, doctors, teachers, and classmates, or experiences of homo-ignorance and negativity, throughout the growing-up years, would have an impact on the development of gay identity, as discussed in the previous chapter. Participants in this study have discussed their process of becoming aware of their same-sex attractions, and increasingly developing ‘comfort’ with who they are (identity standard). Along with this, all of them describe being aware of the negative reflected appraisals and working actively to seek out positive reflected appraisals, through looking for positive/affirmative information and depictions of LG individuals, looking for role-models, engaging with the queer community, making alliances with sympathetic others, and so on.
Around the 9th Std., I knew it, but I would keep it to myself and I would read whatever information I would get and I think those days Ashok Rowkavi (one of the first gay man who came out on national television in the early 1990s) was quite famous. I wouldn’t say he was my hero but then I used to read those articles by him or about him, cut them and keep them with me… it was during that time that I came out and said to myself, ‘look this is the way I am, now I have a word for how I feel, so that’s it!’
[Abhijit, 35 year old gay man]
I was exploring (on the internet) and then I came to a site called ‘naughty chat’ and I typed the word ‘Gay’ and entered a gay chat room and talked to the people there. So that time I was introduced to the concept of gay. It is through one of these sites that I spoke to the first Indian gay man who was there. He was 29 then and I was 19 and we used to talk a lot…
[Amit, 33 year old gay man]
at the age of 16 or 17, you don’t know much and I think its necessary to meet someone else, who has figured this out… its like until someone uses the word, ‘gay’, ‘lesbian’, that flash bulb doesn’t really go off in your head…
[Mehak, 28 year old lesbian woman]
So she (her girlfriend) decided to do a study on psychosocial aspects of coming out. And, she got in touch with the queer community in Bombay and Pune. And then I started getting the language, the confidence, the pride, you know the acceptance, when I met all these people, the queer community, the feminist women, then it worked for me
[Pradnya, 33 year old lesbian woman]
I happened to become part of one of the preparatory meetings for the conference, then I became part of the conference and as I told you, those three days were wonderful, lots of discussions happening, sharing stories and sharing experiences, meeting people from around the world with such different experiences… that I think really changed it for me, that helped me make the decision of coming out and deciding not to get married for sure and then to be involved in activism.
[Vineet, 40 year old gay man]
Reading Ek Madhavbag (a play in Marathi depicting the coming out story of a gay son to his mother) was a milestone for me and by that time I realized that it is futile to hide anything and whatever I am, I am… call it illness, call it anything but this is what I am and I also realized that if there is a debate between vikruti (perversion) and prakruti (nature), then for me, all this was so natural.
[Mansoor, 33 year old gay man]
Participant descriptions of joining support or activist groups, seeking safe, queer-friendly spaces and literature, is a reflection of individual agency in rejecting mainstream negative reflected appraisals and looking for positive ones. However, it is also a reflection of the structural and situational reality that such affirmative spaces have been created, since the early 1990s, in cities like Bombay, and continue to exist and support young queer persons in the face of a heterosexist public and institutional discourse in India.
My low self-esteem has got a lot to do with it. Me being compared to a girl… my girlishness, all this being socially unacceptable… The non-acceptance feature was there all the time and the experience of being ridiculed. These two factors were always in the picture. That is why I did not want to come out to people
[Ajay, 32 year old gay man]
4.2 To Tell or Not: Situated Complexities of Disclosure/Non-disclosure in Lives of LG Individuals
Stage models of LG identity development assume that once individuals become aware of their same-sex attractions and pass through the initial phase of denial, fear, and bargaining, and learn to tolerate their lesbian or gay identity, then the path is paved for self-acceptance and coming out to oneself and others. These models, thus, assume that every LG individual who has developed comfort with their identity and accepted themselves would come out to most people such as family, colleagues, and friends. In fact, non-disclosure is interpreted as failure to attain the later stages of LG identity development, such as gay pride and integration (Cass 1979). In making this assumption, what the stage models overlook is the role of the situational complexity of individual lives, and what they overemphasize is the impact of identity on behavioural choices of disclosure (Rust 1993; Parks 1999). Situational complexity may include several individual factors such as being stuck in a homophobic job environment or lack of availability of social and familial support. It is necessary to recognize that the individual ‘self’ is not merely a psychological reality; it is a collection of self-concepts and multiple identities that are essentially based within social positions (Stryker 1968) of class, caste, gender, age, and so on. Thus, choices of disclosure of sexual identity cannot be seen as merely being determined by levels of internalized homophobia or self-acceptance; several structural and contextual variables would play a significant part in these decisions.
Participants in this study discussed multiple factors that motivated them to come out, and also cited several processes and reasons to choose non-disclosure. In fact, the decision of disclosure, partial disclosure, or non-disclosure resembles the idea of a ‘revolving door’: of being in or out of the closet depending on the costs associated with disclosure (Schneider and Conrad 1980).
Being dependent on parents, living in the parental home while continuing studies, or not having a stable job with a regular income, were significant situational/contextual factors that motivated some of the participants to not disclose their sexuality to their parents. Fear of the worst kinds of responses from the family, based on the experiences of other LG individuals within the community, added to the apprehension of telling the family. Research studies, and other literature from human rights groups and NGOs in India, cites family as one of the main sources of violence and abuse in a LG person’s life (particularly lesbian women), especially when their sexuality is known/ discovered by the family (Fernandez and Gomathy 2003; PUCL-K 2001). Non-disclosure to family, however, did not imply that the LG individual led a depressed, ‘in the closet’, lonely existence. Participants in this study talked about being part of the gay community, going for community events and parties, having sex, and having relationships, while they maintained a single status within their family homes.
No not yet because I am still dependent on them, even if I work… at least as of now I don’t want to tell them. I go for parties and all and meet many people. At home, it is more like I went out with friends and got late coming back. They don’t know I went for a gay party. Finally what is the end? Marriage! Marriage is the end. Till then if they don’t come to know, its ok. When they start talking about that (marriage), then I will tell them… by then I will also be financially stable
[Karan, 24 year old gay man]
Tan (2011) in his article titled, ‘Go Home Gay Boy! Or why do Singaporean Gay Men prefer to “Go Home” and Not “Come Out”’ argues that the Anglo-American ontologies, which posit that gay men should come out to match their outer selves with their inner ones, may be limiting in explaining the reality of gay persons in other parts of the world, particularly in the south-eastern context, where kinship and family ties play a central role in individual identities; familial concerns and filial duties are placed in high regard. Tan argues that gay men in Singapore couch their homosexuality in kinship terms and ‘go home’ with their boyfriends, and resist acts of coming out that are seen as causing hurt and bringing shame to one’s family. Tan thus urges us to not uncritically accept the coming out ritual as the only way to lead an authentic life. Another dimension to this construction of self through family and kinship ties is proposed by the dialogical self theory (Hermans 2002). This position is conceptually very close to the social constructionists but different in that it does not lead us to dissolve the person in the social realm. It emphasises that the subjective ‘I’ is created within the inter-subjective experiences of ‘being-with’ (or ‘being-against’) others. Thus, the personal realm is bounded with the social realm, not as independent entities but as mutually defined (Hermans 2002). This implies that the ‘going home’ instead of ‘coming out’, as described by Tan, is as much about the interpersonal realm and the unique situations in every interpersonal dyad (e.g. parent-child) or triads (e.g. parent/grandparents-child-sibling) that influence/define one’s self-concept, the expectations from the self, and ideas of ‘appropriate/inappropriate’ conduct. It is also as much about one’s gender, birth order, one’s status within the family, the family’s status (or ‘honour’) within the community, and so on. Boyce (2006), based on his work with MSM in Kolkata, India, argues that, in the Indian context, among the large population of men who have sex with men, only a minority would ‘identify’ with same-sex sexuality and would take on an identity based on sexuality such as ‘gay’ or ‘bisexual’. The default presentation of ‘self’ to family and society is a heterosexual one, and identity is constituted in social and community terms rather than individual ones. Privileging of family values, arranged marriage, and the obligation to marry, means that “same-sex sexual relationships have rarely been radically disassociated from heterosexuality” (Boyce 2006, 83). In fact, the centrality of heterosexual marriage is such that any sexual relations outside of it may often not be acknowledged. Thus, male to male sexual relationships can become problematic only when linked to claims for socially recognized sexual identities.
In a study by Thompson et al. (2013), the authors explore negative attitudes of kothis (effeminate men) from Karnataka, India, towards their sexuality and gender expressions. These attitudes include viewing their sexuality as a ‘bad habit’, an addiction, and viewing their lives (referring to their gender non-conformity and sexual attraction towards men) as ‘spoiled’. The authors explore reasons for these self-depreciating attitudes and, in doing so, go beyond the explanation of internalized homonegativity, to explore a range of factors within the social contexts of these participants. Thompson et al. argue that negative self-evaluations of their participants are more connected to ideas of family dis/honour, shame, dis/loyalty than individual factors such as fear, rejection, pain, and so on. Several of the kothi participants talked about hiding their sexuality in order to protect their families from social stigmatization as well as from the fear of being disowned. Family disownment, in this context, does not merely refer to losing contact with one’s nuclear family, but would constitute a form of ‘social death’ (Thompson et al. 2013, 1244), where the individual stands to lose virtually all connections with the wider kinship network and lose every form of social support. This would have material and financial implications, with the individual standing to lose any share of inheritance and access to familial resources in a patrilineal clan system. Thus, self-depreciating attitudes can be seen to be a result of continued experiences of stigma, discrimination, and violence from a society that values reproductive heteronormativity and dominant masculinity. It is in this context, of avoiding discrimination and violence, that several non-normative individuals try to construct a ‘normal’ identity and life for themselves through heterosexual marriage, children, and family.
Another one of Tan’s arguments, that it is normative for grown up/adult men to live with their parents until the time they marry and buy their own house, combined with the fact that the real estate rates in Singapore make it difficult for young people to have their own place, applies directly to the situation of young people in India. In the Indian patriarchal and heteronormative society, mothers worry about their sons having to cook and clean and take care of themselves, and are ever willing to continue to take care of their adult unmarried sons. Thus, these sons can continue to live within the family home and, simultaneously, access freedoms and mobility that are available to men and sons in patriarchal societies, which in turn would allow for sexual exploration and living out one’s sexuality to some extent. The analogy of ‘going home’ instead of ‘coming out’ is seen to be often working within the Indian context as well, at least for gay men. It is important, however, to note that, in such a society, the pressure of confirming to rigid standards of masculinity, heterosexual marriage, reproduction, and filial duties is high too. This implies that effeminate men, kothis, who may not share the same cultural and social capital as ‘masculine’, (read in society as ‘heterosexual’) men, may not find it as easy to ‘go home’.
I don’t want it to affect my younger sister as she has to get married and I don’t know how society and others would react to her. So I don’t want it to affect anyone in my family.
[Sunil, 32 year old gay man]
Tan’s argument of ‘going home’ may not directly apply to all lesbian and gay lives and may be much more complicated, for instance, in the case of lesbian women. For most women, there are several restrictions placed upon their mobility, and access to resources and choices within the natal home. Control over their sexuality, the pressures of compulsory heterosexual marriage and reproduction are even stronger in their lives. Moreover, they do not have as much access to the social and cultural capital of community and family as their male counterparts. It is against this backdrop that lesbian women may choose other kinds of strategies to avoid violence, and manage stigma in their lives. Leaving family home and withdrawing from family, once they are independent, concealing their sexual identity and choosing whom, when, why to disclose to, are some of the stigma-management strategies that lesbian participants in this study reported. In fact, of the fifteen lesbian women interviewed in this study, only three were living with their natal families at the time.
… but I can’t tell my mom what I am. Because I am the only daughter and if I tell them, they will get a heart attack (laughs)… I know my mom very well, she will stop everything. She will throw my computer, she will throw my mobile because I am always online… She will think that this internet and my whole circle of online friends have spoilt me, so she will stop everything of mine…
[Salma, 30 year old lesbian woman]
I don’t want to come out to them, not now for sure. They are still dealing with me not being there at home and working in another city. Then they think that I am living with a ‘friend’. They know that I go out with her on little little holidays. I really don’t know what they make of it… I wouldn’t want to deal with repercussions of coming out right now.
[Priti, 31 year old lesbian woman]
Goffman (1963) describes the use of information-management strategies by those who are discreditable, that is, those individuals, whose stigma may not be visible and who can ‘pass’ as belonging to the group of non-stigmatized. However, they are ‘discreditable’ as they can be discredited with visibility. In the above quote, the participant seems to be managing the information that she provides to her parents about her living arrangement in the city. Though she tells them that she is living with a friend, who is a woman (an acceptable proposition), and that they take holidays together (more acceptable for a young unmarried woman than taking holidays with men), she chooses not to disclose the nature of her relationship with this friend (which would be a highly unacceptable proposition). In this sense, the participant is able to manage her identity as a ‘good daughter’, one who will not bring shame to the family, while being able to negotiate an independent life in another city, away from her parents and extended family.
I am still not out to her and I would like her to finish her 10th standard before I tell her. She is a little soft, she has taken a beating with a bad marriage, she has had to go through a lot of stress. She has so much to deal with; I don’t want to add to her tension by telling her that her mom’s a lesbian…
[Claire, 41 year old lesbian woman]
I was reasonably good looking so there would be jokes and link ups depending on who they saw me speaking to… if I spoke to a girl who was absolutely ugly, they would say ‘chee (yuck) what a contrast’ and if I spoke to a good looking girl, they would say ‘achi jodi hai’ (you make a nice pair)… By this time I was very clear that I was a gay man who was in the closet and was taking things sportingly. In my entire batch or whoever I knew in college, I didn’t see anybody who seemed gay or could be approached, so I just chose to keep it to myself.
[Atul, 33 year old gay man]
My Aunt stays just down the road, I haven’t met her for the last 8 months, my aunt and uncle call me and ask me to visit, I am like ‘dekhengey’ (we’ll see), I am quite apathetic to my father and my real mom. My step mom and I weirdly enough can talk now, but we are more like acquaintances…
[Avinash, 28 year old gay man]
They don’t even know about stupid things like I smoke! They don’t want to confront anything, even something so stupid… Its pointless. And my father being my father, he couldn’t accept me with short hair. I mean I cut my hair in the 3rd and he didn’t talk to me till I was in 5th! I grew my hair long and I cut my hair again in the 11th Std. I cut it really short. My dad slapped me… and from that day till now he hasn’t spoken to me.
[Priya, 30 year old lesbian woman]
In addition to the lack of closeness with family, or even hostile relationships with family members, other participants stated that they knew their parents were conservative and hence were not likely to engage in a conversation about their sexuality or try to understand. Some said that they have just accepted that their parents belong to a different generation, and would have a hard time understanding this, so they have chosen not to disclose.
…because they don’t know me, a large part of me, that is the primary reason. I want to be able to share my life with them. Then there are some very practical things like they would be happy to know that I have a partner because currently they think that I am a single 33 year old man who has not gotten married till now and will probably not get married, will lead a solitary life…
[Atul, 33 year old gay man]
So that morning when the topic of my marriage came up, I said that I have to tell you something, I have decided not to get married…. Its a personal decision and I am very sure about it and there’s nothing to discuss… even as I was saying it, I knew that this was the beginning of a coming out conversation…
[Shashank, 38 year old gay man]
The positive thing for me to come out was the fact that my father was no more because I don’t think I could have ever told my father about me… then my sister got married. I had decided that I will tell my mother and then there was this play that I was reading, which was about a son coming out to his mother, I gave the script to my mom… that’s how I came out to her.
[Mansoor, 33 year old gay man]
Thus, disclosure or non-disclosure of one’s same-sex sexuality is not just a matter of achieving psychological comfort with oneself and coming to a point of self-acceptance after working through all the negative evaluations associated with same-sex sexuality in one’s family, among friends, in school and colleges, at work place, in social contexts, media, and so on. It is, on the contrary, often a decision based on complex psychological, interpersonal, and social realities. Having access to gay affirmative language, literature, role models, support from the queer community, as well as straight allies, independence from one’s parents/family, access to discrimination-free education, jobs, peers, protection from gay-related violence; all of these come together to create facilitative or debilitating environment/contexts that determines choices related to coming out.
4.3 Responses to Disclosure, and Its Impact on LG Identity Development and Maintenance
She took everything positively and supported me. I felt that since my mother has come to know about me and has accepted me the way I am, I need not fear anymore or hide my identity and in fact whom should I fear? My mother is with me and I need not think about the rest of the world. I really don’t care.
[Mansoor 33 year old gay man]
I am very fortunate with my people at home. They are quite accepting of most things… after I came out to my brother, he would tease me for a week and say, ‘oh! you are so gay, so full of happiness!’
[Abhijit, 35 year old gay man]
I remember the night, when she (mother) asked me, if I have anything to tell her. I knew that it was time to just come out and say it and I was so scared. I started and then broke down and then in the middle of all that, did not want to tell at all. She was so worried that, she just said, ‘whatever it is just tell me’. So I just said it and her first reaction was, ‘thank god! I thought you were going to say something horrible like you are into drugs or in some trouble, this gay is fine, it is ok’…
[Sahil, 25 year old gay man]
Some participants had come out at their work places as well and some were selectively out only in LGBT and/or other safe spaces. Goffman (1963) describes various stigma-management strategies used by stigmatized individuals to cope with negative reflected appraisals and to maintain a positive identity. Information management or selective disclosure of identity, depending on the individual’s assessment of levels of hostility/safety that one expects, contexts, and relationships, is one such crucial stigma-management strategy.
I was shocked and surprised and of course happy. I was meeting a gay couple for the first time and that too, ekdam direct lagnach (directly at a gay wedding). I took lot of pictures and I still have them. I showed these wedding pictures to my mom when I came out to her. It was my way of saying that there are others like me and they can be happy too…
[Mansoor, 33 year old gay man]
After all the hospital stay and all, I went home to Pune, because I was so troubled, she (girlfriend) went to Meerut, her hometown. We stayed apart, dealt with it and later got back together… but all this helped with my mom and the barriers were broken. Then she started talking about my life, she started asking about her (girlfriend). So from July (time of first coming out) to April she didn’t meet her at all and then she came to the hospital and saw her lying on the bed, really unwell and so she went and held her…
[Pradnya, 33 year old lesbian woman]
Coming out, or making one’s same-sex sexual orientation known, can also have the effect of spoilage of one’s social identity. In Goffman’s words, “it has the effect of cutting them off from society and from themselves so that they stand a discredited person facing an unaccepting world” (Goffman 1963, 19). Some of the participants in this study described homonegative, hostile and violent responses from their environment, responses which made their own journey of self-acceptance immensely challenging.
My mother asked the doctor if tyachi ji zaga ahey ti vyavastit ahey ki nahi? (Whether his place down there/genitals were normal?), that was their first question. Then they asked if I had sex anywhere or if I had been raped because of which I had become like this…
[Sandip, 24 year old gay man]
In addition to the clinically prescribed cures for homosexuality, Sandip was asked to try meditation, and nama-smaran (chanting of god/ godman’s name) by different family members. Following these humiliating responses to his coming out, Sandip attempted suicide, believing that he was a pervert. At the hospital where he was admitted, he met a social worker, who gave him the phone number of a local LGBT support and rights group in Pune. Here, Sandip met people with diverse sexualities and gender expressions and this helped to reduce his isolation and his belief that ‘he is the only one with such abnormal desires’. Sandip’s narrative is an example of ways in which homo-ignorance, prejudice, familial and peer rejection, pathologization by experts, and experiences of systemic violence, can lead to a breakdown of the individual and may lead to what stage models of identity development have referred to as ‘identity foreclosure’.
Highlighting the impact of negative appraisals and experiences of discrimination and violence in the lives of self-identified young kothis in Karnataka, Thompson et al. (2013) state: “Some participants claimed that their experiences of discrimination had destroyed their sense of personal goodness and to manage these feelings of ruin, they tended to avoid certain places and people and were watchful for violence” (1243–44). Perry et al. (1956) describe a fatal deficiency of the self-system that results from social isolation as “the fear that others can disrespect a person because of something he shows means that he is always insecure in his contact with other people; and this insecurity arises, not from mysterious or somewhat disguised sources, but from something he knows he cannot fix” (145).
She read the letter (coming out letter written by the participant), and she started crying. She went out of the room and she howled and I think that was the worst sound I had heard in my entire life… I was so traumatized that I was giving her that kind of grief… Later at some point in the night, we all went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I was alert and worried… was she still crying? because every time I would hear her cry, my heart would be like, shit man I have let her down so bad and at that point I was not upset that she had not understood or accepted me, I was just upset that she was so sad…
[Pradnya, 33 year old lesbian woman]
Finally, having same-sex sexual experiences, relationships, and intimacies does not always translate into commitment to a same-sex sexual identity. Identifying or committing to a same-sex sexual identity does not automatically imply a public declaration or an ‘out’ status as a queer person. As seen in this chapter, identification, self-categorization, disclosure, non-disclosure, or partial disclosure, is mediated through a range of psychological, interpersonal, socio-cultural, and political factors, and should not be seen merely as a function of levels of self-acceptance. In fact, the idea of continuity or coherence of the self kept intact through the ‘coming out’ process, as described in American psychological literature on coming out, is challenged here. The need to view the self as being embedded in a familial, social, and cultural context, and as being an active agent negotiating these contexts is emphasized in this chapter.