The girl on reception gave her a glossy smile while Aaron was busy signing the checking-in form in his illegible sprawl. Karin didn’t recognize the girl.
She looked around nervously; her mouth had gone dry. Might Louie still work here? What if Louie discovered that she was living in Leeds and that she had lied about going to the States? Aaron’s details were in the system now; it would be easy to track her down properly this time. Could she never escape?
Karin felt her whole life unravelling.
Please let Louie not be here any more.
When Aaron was done with the paperwork he put his arm across Karin’s shoulders and kissed the top of her head. Their suitcases were instantly swept away as someone else escorted them to the lift. It was strange to be back here. As far as Karin was concerned the past had no place in the present. The only fragments of time she actually wanted to keep were pieced together in the scrapbook of her dad. Not a real scrapbook, the one she carried in her head. Everything else could go.
Memories are pebbles. Pebbles on a beach. Pick up the ones you want and put them in your pocket. Throw the rest into the sea.
It was something else the bereavement counsellor had taught her. But at the time, Karin had only been able to do the pebble thing in her imagination. Her school was a long way from the sea. This was another reason for heading to Morecambe, so she could see those pebbles exploding into the waves.
Karin taught Louie to do the same. They would stand on the beach side by side and throw their ‘bad shit’ into the water together. Sometimes a pebble might wash back up onto the shore; the counsellor warned this might happen. ‘Throw it away again, Karin. That’s if you still don’t want to keep it. Although, you might find that you do. It happens.’
She never did. She would never want to keep any of them, especially the most persistent one of all which drifted back in on every tide. Her stepdad swinging from the beam. That one would never go. Nor would Birgitta. But then Louie became one of those pebbles too. So what on earth was she doing back here in Morecambe at The Midland hotel? After everything she had done to get away. As if leaving Louie hadn’t been agonizing enough.
Karin scanned the foyer. It was magnificent, but she felt exposed. She looked beyond the brilliance of the architecture, the white curvature of the walls; instead, taking note of each member of staff who happened to glide past. With any luck, by now the entire workforce had changed. Working at The Midland had been a lifeline to her, at least for a while. It had given her a focus, a purpose, after she had bailed out of sixth form, trying to get as far away from school as possible. It was Louie who had thrown her this lifeline, putting in a good word when the hotel needed seasonal staff.
As they stepped into the lift, her heart was pounding so hard she feared it would give her away, that Aaron would be able to hear it above the lift’s murmuring as they ascended. She felt him staring, desperate to please her and no doubt trying to gauge her reaction. Although she wanted to make him feel at ease, it was impossible to meet his gaze or give him any sense of reassurance. Not yet. Not until she knew it was safe.
Their bodies jolted to a standstill. Aaron hung back for Karin to step out of the lift first. He had booked them into a luxury roof-top suite. Karin was able to picture it before the door was even opened: the quirky furniture, rotating chairs, the sea view extending the full length of the balcony with its Art Deco curve. The red cushions. Decadent bathroom. Sadly, all she wanted to do was lock herself away in the cleaning cupboard along the corridor.
Why on earth hadn’t he asked her?
‘You okay?’ said Aaron.
‘Yes,’ she replied, suffocating under the pressure. ‘It’s just a bit strange to be back here, that’s all.’
‘In a good way I hope?’
She let the question drift.
‘You always said how wonderful this place is, and I thought—’
‘Of course in a good way.’ Karin leaned into him to show her appreciation. ‘It is amazing. I-I suppose I just never imagined I’d return here again. Not as a guest. Well not as anything really. And it costs a fortune to stay in one of these suites in peak season.’
‘Well you’re worth it, aren’t you?’ Aaron replied, squeezing her shoulders together as he opened the door with his other hand. ‘I know you hate extravagance, but I can assure you I negotiated a very good rate in exchange for putting some corporate events their way.’ He tapped his nose, adding, ‘It’s all about connections.’
Once they were inside with the door closed, Karin began to feel a sense of relief. Able to process things without such trepidation racing through her mind, and she told herself that she would soon get over the shock. It was unlikely that Louie still worked here; had probably moved away by now.
‘Well, you weren’t wrong,’ Aaron remarked, flinging himself onto the bed, hands behind his head, lapping up his surroundings. He beckoned Karin over, so she went and perched beside him, sinking into the luxury of the mattress. Aaron may have noticed that she was clutching her stomach, but didn’t say anything if he did. She could feel the tension knotting like seaweed inside it. A knock at the door saved her from having to explain, although she still sprung off the bed and prepared to dart into the bathroom. On seeing that it was one of the older members of staff, who didn’t seem to register her presence, she could relax again.
He set their suitcases down by the bed and gave Aaron a nod after a tip was pushed into his fist on his way out. Aaron closed the door, his hand lingering on the handle. He took another moment or two to consider Karin, then crossed over to the window.
The panoramic view of Morecambe Bay was stunning. But it unnerved her. Nevertheless she made an effort to see it through Aaron’s eyes and went to join him. Aaron seemed grateful for this and draped his arms around her neck.
Karin shuddered at the memories circling out there beneath the darkening sky: throwing her pebbles into the sea; two figures grappling on the wet sands.
‘Not too shabby a view. Is it?’ said Aaron.
She couldn’t allow him to see the swell of tears gathering behind her eyes and turned away from him.
He was distracted though, luckily, checking the time on his phone. ‘I think we should go and get some supper,’ he said. ‘Are you okay to go straight down? It’s getting late.’
Karin sniffed. She had somehow managed not to let a single tear fall and was fanning her arms down her dress. ‘Come ready, you said.’ It did occur to her at that point to suggest room service, but she knew this wasn’t really an option. And what if Louie was on duty and brought it to their room? She tried to rid herself of that thought before it expanded any further. Besides, Aaron had already said how much he was looking forward to dining in the Sun Terrace and what a stunning location it was. Karin didn’t want to disappoint him. He had gone to such lengths. All for her.
He guided her out into the corridor in a gentlemanly fashion. She liked those old school touches, the way he held doors open for her, the small gifts he presented her with and the way he sometimes took her in his arms and glided her round the room in a slow dance. She welcomed his calmness too. With Louie it was always fast and intense, driven by the brashness and daring of youth. A rough-and-ready sort of love which spun out of control. Karin should have ended it far sooner than she did.
Closing her eyes, she drew in a deep breath and made herself smile. Louie no longer worked here. She was absolutely certain of it.
‘Oh. But we ought to take the stairs,’ she said, immediately thrown into turmoil when Aaron started heading back down the corridor to get the lift. ‘They’re really something. You need to see them.’
The staircase was indeed a stunning feature of this hotel, but it was a delaying tactic on her part. To chance upon Louie directly out of the lift would be like stepping in front of that train. At least the slow, downward twist of the stairs would give her more time to think, and Aaron seemed pleased that she was at last entering into the spirit of this special place.
Karin forced him to linger at the top of the Art Deco stairway, the red carpet spiralling all the way down in an elegant shell shape to the entrance hall below. ‘Wait though,’ she said, still not permitting him to set off until he had also looked up to admire the fresco on the ceiling.
The curved handrail offered itself to her like an old friend. Smooth and solid, it seemed to want to take away some of her stress as her hand wrapped tightly around it. Karin closed her eyes again, feeling for the first step with her toes. These were stairs not to be rushed, like red piano keys unfurling underfoot; a stairway to be seen on, to savour, evoking a bygone era but with a modern-day twist. Karin turned to Aaron and smiled. She was about to remark on some of these things but stopped herself when all the other memories came crashing against her chest; feeling like she was being crushed; causing her to stumble. Aaron was there to catch her, insisting on holding her arm the rest of the way down. Karin couldn’t help thinking that every step she took was delivering her that bit closer to Louie.