Karin stepped out of the shower and reached for the towel. She had been desperate to wash away Louie, but the cleansing process hadn’t worked. Could still feel her touch on her skin, still feel her fingers inside her. No amount of soaping and scrubbing was going to erase that. She dried herself and put on the bathrobe, not quite ready to go out there yet. Sitting on the side of the bath, she wondered if she could ever face Aaron again. She deeply regretted her actions. To some degree, was still in shock.
It had all happened so fast.
The only reason she had chosen to come to Morecambe in the first instance was because it was her dad’s birthplace. For that reason alone, it had been perfect; she had to take her own life somewhere. It was Louie who had found her on the beach, sinking deeper into her cold, muddy grave. The sea nearly claimed them both that night, spreading its watery tentacles around them, shutting off any means of escape.
Karin hadn’t wanted to die. Not really. She just didn’t think she deserved a future.
There was no doubt that Louie had brought her back to life in every possible way. She managed to get her a job at The Midland and they found a place together, a cosy bedsit off Albert Road. Gradually Karin discovered a happiness she didn’t think possible for herself, and their shared sense of recklessness was like a drug. Karin also loved the fact that Louie was an artist, embracing all the quirks and peculiarities that came with that, and she would sit for her whenever she asked.
Louie had opened her eyes, her mind, made Karin look at things and really see them. But there was a need, a dependency, which wasn’t healthy. Karin realized too late what was happening. No one was allowed into their world. The possessiveness became suffocating and isolating, and Karin was losing all sense of herself.
The way she handled the break-up was not something she was proud of. The lie that she had found a job in the States seemed as cruel then as it did now. She had simply handed in her notice at the hotel and vanished. At the time, this was the right thing to do, the only thing to do. Close the door on Louie quickly, limit the pain and break the connection. Louie would never accept it was over otherwise.
Karin shuddered, pulling the bathrobe around herself. She couldn’t hide in here all night. When she finally emerged, Aaron was lying on his front on the bed, scrolling down his phone. He threw it to one side and shuffled over to make some room, leaning on one elbow. He had been kind enough not to ask her a single difficult question over dinner and Karin was grateful for that because he must have had plenty buzzing round his head. Her behaviour had been strange from the moment they pulled into the car park.
This was meant to be a happy occasion, yet there had been no more talk of a wedding since his proposal. When she hadn’t returned to the table, Aaron had had to come up to the room to find her.
Poor Aaron. She had ruined their perfect moment.
‘Is that better?’ he asked, pulling Karin into him.
She nodded, feeling safe again in his arms. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered.
‘For what?’ Aaron laughed, kissing her neck. ‘Asking you to be my wife?’
‘Well yes. And all this, I don’t deserve it.’
He pulled away and sat up. ‘You having second thoughts already?’
‘No. Anything but. I swear.’
As that squalid act with Louie was working its way out of her body, Karin was even more convinced about her feelings for Aaron. No one else. She didn’t want anyone else.
‘Have you changed your mind though?’ she asked, tentatively.
Aaron pulled the bathrobe down over her shoulders and moved his body into hers. She really didn’t want to do this right now, it was too close to the time with Louie, but she owed it to Aaron as proof of her commitment. She loved him too much to allow Louie to destroy their future together. But she couldn’t deny that she was scared. She had escaped from Louie once. Now it seemed she might have to do it all over again.
Karin felt her body going through the motions while her mind raked over the broken fragments of her past: conversations, accusations, Louie, her mother, father, so-called stepfather. And before she could do anything about it, an icy blast of pain shot through her head and she knew what was coming next.
Birgitta’s screams. Legs swinging side to side. A human pendulum. The sound of the rope grating against the beam, the smell of sweat hanging in the air.
The steps lying on their side.
Karin tried tossing pebbles into the sea one by one in her mind but as fast as she threw them they came right back, refusing to disappear. She just wanted tonight to be over as soon as possible. Her cries and moans sounded like a convincing orgasm, despite where they really came from.
This special night. The night Aaron proposed to her.