Karin knew that Mel would be watching. She looked back once to wave, then hurried along to the end of the road, where she turned the corner and waited another ten minutes before returning to the bridge.
Leaning against the railings, the chill from the metal bars passed through her chest into her veins, sending a shiver round her whole body. What a dark, lonely place it was down there. Back then it didn’t used to bother her, because that was how it was, and Karin soon learned to creep about like a dirty shadow. During the daytime most people would hold their breath and walk by.
Homeless. Invisible.
Those words went together like night and day.
The truth was she was too scared to venture down there now, even if she wanted to try and find Will. Grown soft on central heating, lights that come on at the flick of a switch, and doors which locked and bolted, keeping her safe. A solid roof over her head to block out the snow blizzards and gale-force winds.
Modern comforts turned people into cowards.
Karin considered the number of times Will had come to her rescue. He had always been there for her, by her side. Spending their days and nights together as street companions. Friends for life. Then a sudden thought pricked the back of her neck. So could it be that Will was somehow jealous? Of Mel perhaps. Aaron. Even Louie. She thought of those hateful notes and Will’s parting words to her on the Ridge a couple of days ago.
I know everything, Karin.
She didn’t hang about for much longer. In the end, resorted to ordering an Uber because she was too cold and afraid to walk back on her own.
It was after midnight by the time she got in. Turning the key silently, she crept in like a cat as Aaron was probably in bed by now. Slipping her boots off at the door, tiptoeing across the floorboards, she noticed the light was still on in the kitchen, dimmed.
When she nudged open the door, it was the first thing she saw.
The painting. Lying across the breakfast bar.
There was a delay of a few seconds before she realized Aaron was standing on the other side of it, glass of brandy in his hand.
‘My god, Aaron!’ she said, her heart pounding. ‘Why didn’t you say something?’
Shaking the ice cubes around his glass, he took a sip, keeping his eyes on Karin. The painting was like a giant tree fallen between them.
‘How did you get it back here?’ she asked. ‘It’s massive.’ She moved towards him, stopping at the chair to put her bag down and then deciding that was close enough.
‘People can be easily bought,’ he said, taking another sip of brandy. Something in that comment made her heart thump against her chest, until he added: ‘I bunged a couple of security guys a tenner. They carried it back for me.’
Aaron knew a lot of people around Leeds, so could always get favours. Something Karin was grateful for because he had managed to secure plenty of them to assist with the housing project.
‘We don’t have to keep the painting here, if you don’t want,’ he added. ‘I can put it in the office. She’ll never know.’
‘Oh. No, it’s fine. I was just a bit shocked when she said it was a wedding present. That’s what threw me.’
Aaron flung his arms out in exaggerated surprise. ‘Really? So what’s that on your finger then? I could’ve sworn it was a ring.’ He raised his eyebrows, bringing the glass to his lips again, placing it down on the unit when it was empty; the hollow clanking sound causing her to shudder. Karin told herself that they were both drunk, probably. And tired. Her insomnia was unbearable just now, too many thoughts racing through her mind that never seemed to stop.
‘Oh come on, Aaron. You know I love Louie’s work, but you must have seen it’s a bit strained between us.’
‘Why?’ He began to pace around. ‘Why? You’re always so secretive, Karin. I almost feel like I don’t know you. We’re supposed to be getting married, but sometimes I wonder who it is I’m marrying.’
The pain came as it always did, catching her off guard. The sharpened icicle between the eyes. She staggered backwards, aware of Aaron helping her onto a stool and asking if she was okay. She tried to tell him that she just had to let it work its way through her body.
Legs swinging side to side. A human pendulum. The smell of his sweat in her log cabin. Her mother’s screams. She sees the steps kicked away in slow motion, clattering against the wall. Birgitta says it’s all Karin’s fault for making false accusations. A creaking sound as the rope cuts into the beam.
She hears Aaron asking for the second, third time: ‘What is it, Karin? Should I call a doctor?’ and she knows where she is now, but his words swirl around the kitchen sounding blurry.
Karin remembered asking if they could go to bed, promising she would be fine in the morning.
Her insomnia was made worse by the amount of alcohol she had consumed, and each time she managed to snatch a few seconds sleep she was soon chasing after it again. Whenever she tried curling herself round Aaron, his body edged further away from hers. Then at one point her phone came to life, lighting up the whole room, so she fired it across the floor knowing it would be Louie. But that just made things worse, not knowing for sure.
Peeling the duvet back she went over to check.
It was irrational, but she still rushed back to Aaron to do just that. He was lying across the bed with his legs in a mid-run position, one arm above his head, and Karin smiled when she detected a light snore. It was a huge bed, so it didn’t matter if he spread out, but she felt a sudden need to wake him and tell him that she loved him. Knowing where that would lead, she decided to leave it. Immediately after sex he would begin questioning her again and maybe she would feel inclined to say too much. At least by morning she would know what not to say.
I knew Louie from my past. We flat-shared for a couple of years and she helped me get through a really difficult patch. We must have had a fall out I suppose, I can’t remember now. But I left Morecambe anyway, not long after, and we just lost touch.
That was all she needed to say.
In the morning.
Daylight flooded in through the blinds in thin slices of light and shade slatted across the bed. Aaron’s questions began immediately, and the words Karin had rehearsed during her sleepless hours were now lodged in her throat. The danger of leaking something out that would jeopardize their relationship even further, paralyzed her. Whatever she said would lead to more questions, followed by another episode like last night. Until now she had succeeded in keeping her attacks from Aaron. He knew she got headaches, but not like that.
Aaron ate his breakfast, still waiting for her to begin, looking repeatedly and impatiently at his watch. In the end he thrust his arms into the sleeves of his jacket and said he needed to get to work, taking one last slurp of coffee.
‘No. Wait. I’m sorry, let me explain, Aaron. Please,’ she said, scurrying after him down the hallway.
He made her go back into the kitchen, taking a seat next to her at the breakfast bar. Louie’s painting hadn’t moved, still nestling on its bed of bubble wrap, the two figures facing away from them going towards the sea.
‘Right. I’m listening,’ said Aaron, folding his arms.
‘Okay. Well,’ she began, gathering her thoughts. ‘The reason this and the other painting disturb me so much is because it was Louie who saved me from drowning on the beach at Morecambe. It wasn’t just some bloke. Louie happened to be out that night walking around in the fog. She’s an artist, she does stuff like that. She saved my life, Aaron, but I didn’t want to tell you.’
‘Why not? I’d have given the girl a medal, if I’d known.’
‘Because.’ Karin sucked air through her teeth, afraid of letting the words out. ‘Because I wanted to drown. I was trying to end it that night. I was so screwed up after my dad dying, and my stepdad committing suicide. Then when my mother threw me out I just thought there was no point to life. Not to my life.’
‘Oh Karin. Why didn’t you tell me?’ He pulled her into his chest, holding her tight and stroking her hair. She wanted the discussion to end there, in his arms, but she knew she had to go on.
‘I thought that me living rough was bad enough for you to come to terms with, without hearing that I was suicidal as well. I suppose I was afraid you’d think me a complete basket case and ditch me. I’m totally fine now. Mel helped me get my life back together, when I came to Leeds, and you have too, obviously. But I should have told you about Louie, I’m sorry I didn’t.’
Aaron was looking so lovingly at her, she was wondering if he might actually be able to cope with more than this.
Tell him the rest.
‘Don’t worry,’ he said. ‘I’ll definitely hang that painting somewhere else.’
‘No, let’s keep it. Now that I’ve told you it’s fine.’
Lose this moment and the opportunity may never come again.
Do it, Karin. Tell him.
‘Aaron.’ He was studying the painting, leaning over to examine it more closely. Karin waited until she had his full attention. ‘There’s a bit more to it than that. Have you er – have you got time?’
‘Of course. What is it?’
‘I used to live with Louie when I was working in Morecambe. We were just kids, it wasn’t serious or anything.’
‘Okay. So let’s rewind that. What do you mean by “it wasn’t serious or anything”?’
‘I needed someone, and she was there.’ Karin felt a tear rolling down her cheek, betraying her. Aaron wiped it away. She realized this could be the end, but there was no going back at this point.
‘What, like a friend? You mean like Mel is?’
‘Not exactly. I needed someone to love me and there was nobody else. I’m so sorry for not telling you.’ The tears were falling like rain now down her face. ‘I was trying to find myself, I was totally lost. But I had no idea where to start looking.’
He took a moment to process what she had said, then slid off the stool to walk around. He combed his fingers through his hair, making thick grooves in it. ‘So-so did you love her? Is that what you’re telling me?’
‘Yes, but more like a friend really. Even though it was—’
‘Physical?’
‘Well, yes.’
‘And now?’
‘No! Absolutely not. I left Morecambe when Louie became all needy and possessive. The whole thing wasn’t really me. I’m not – I’m not gay, Aaron. I was just … grateful.’ By now she was sobbing and her words were coming out choked. ‘She saved my life. Nobody had ever loved me that much. I didn’t know what it was I was getting into.’
Aaron did two circuits of the kitchen.
‘Aaron, please, it was nothing. We were young and I think Louie thought it was much more serious than it really was. She thought I’d gone to the States, that’s what I told her when I came to Leeds. I had to escape, and I didn’t have any money. I got robbed on the train on the way over, as you know. But in a way it was safer to be on the streets.’
‘Safer? Are you saying she’s dangerous?’
‘No. No, not that. I don’t think so. But Mel saved me from her.’
Aaron looked startled by the contradiction.
‘Well when I say saved, I only mean that Mel pretended to be my American girlfriend. You see, Louie is – Louie is just Louie and I didn’t end things well with her. Basically I ran away. As I say, we were young and immature. I was probably naive too.’
‘Mel knew all of this? The whole world knows this stuff but me?’
Karin was only too aware what that felt like to be the last to know something. Being kept in the dark for four days before she found out her dad was dead was the cruellest thing, and her mother getting remarried without even bothering to tell her just a few weeks after he died hurt almost as much.
Aaron’s eyes flickered with disappointment, and for a moment Karin feared he could see all the other awful things she had done besides: sleeping with strangers, drinking herself to oblivion, her only ambition in life being to end it. Not to mention what happened with her so-called stepdad.
‘If you still have feelings for this girl then you need to tell me now, Karin. And I mean right now. Because if I find out there’s anything more … I need your honesty.’
‘No! I don’t, it’s really not like that.’ Her voice tailed off, the memory of what she did with Louie in the toilets gnawing away at her.
‘My wife fed me a pack of lies and I am not going to allow you to do the same.’
‘I’m not going to run off with her. If that’s what you’re thinking, Aaron.’
‘I didn’t think my wife was going to do that either.’ He rubbed his face, bringing his palms down on the painting, the sound of his fingers cracking and the bubble wrap bursting underneath them. ‘She’s been playing me like a fool then. All that business with the painting last night, and still allowing me to help her with contacts and commissions. What a cheek.’
‘Please still help her, Aaron. She deserves a break. She’s so talented.’
‘And at The Midland.’
‘At The Midland? What do you mean “at The Midland”?’
So he had it all worked out then. He knew. Aaron was not a fool.
‘That fake celebration with the champagne, and being so attentive to our every need, when really she must have wanted to stick a knife into my back.’
Aaron swiped his keys from the unit, Karin following him again into the hallway.
‘Wait, Aaron. Let’s do something special tonight, shall we?’ She touched his arm as he was unlocking the door, immediately feeling his resistance.
Next Saturday’s launch for Ashby Road was getting scarily close and she had intended to work late tonight, but this was more important. She could still make up the time over the weekend.
‘I could cook us a meal, get a nice bottle of wine in.’
‘I can’t,’ he said, retrieving his arm, snatching it out of her grasp.
‘But why?’
Karin felt like she was about to break. It was all over between them.
‘That property deal fell through and they’re biting at my heels. Buying my ex-wife out has proved rather expensive. I must be insane even considering getting married again.’
‘Aaron. Please, wait.’
‘I have a meeting tonight, Karin. That’s why I can’t make it.’
He opened the door and was about to step out into the corridor when he realized Karin was on the verge of saying something else. He hung on, even though she was still prevaricating.
‘How much is it you need?’ she asked finally.
‘Puh. More than you’ve got, that’s for sure.’ He went out this time, heading for the lift.
‘Try me, Aaron,’ she called.
Thinking about it, he then came back. ‘Well, if you’ve got a spare two hundred grand kicking about, that should pretty much cover it.’
Aaron closed the door so that Karin couldn’t detain him any longer.
It made her feel empty. She was back at the gates of her boarding school saying goodbye to her dad, eight years old; her mother didn’t even bother to go with them. The gates clanked shut and she was led away. Everyone she cared about seemed to desert her in the end. Even Will. Perhaps Mel would one day, if Louie got her way. Last night Mel had seemed quite despairing of her.
And now Aaron.
Karin returned to the kitchen, looking for something to lash out at. She kicked the unit with a stifled yell of frustration. Louie’s stupid painting was still lying across it. She grabbed one of the knives from the magnetic strip on the wall, about to bring it down onto the canvas, stopping herself just in time. What would that achieve exactly? Instead she managed to manoeuvre the painting to the floor, struggling under its weight, and leant it against the unit so she wouldn’t have to look at it any more.
Her breathing still heavy and angry, she stood away from the painting, staring at the back of it and noticed something in one corner. As well as the paint spatters, there was a tiny image of one of The Midland seahorses. Louie had got into the habit of drawing them on any notes she left out for Karin, or on cards that she gave to her. The seahorse became their symbol. ‘I only ever do them for you, Karin,’ she would say.
Seconds later, her phone started to ring in the bedroom. She raced to get it, hoping it was Aaron.
‘Aaron, hi.’
‘Have you seen it yet?’
‘Seen what? Louie, for God’s sake. You need to stop all this now.’
‘I know you’ve found it.’
How could she know that? Karin moved to the window, creeping along the wall to peer through the vertical slats of the blinds, not daring to disturb them. There was only the river below. Of course Louie didn’t know she had found the seahorse; she was just trying to unnerve her.
Yet again.
‘Meet me,’ said Louie.
Karin drummed her head against the wall. ‘No, Lou. Stop doing this.’
Louie. The pebble who always came back. Louie. The girl who saved her life. Louie. The girl who loved her too much.
‘It’s important, Karin. I’m trying to help you.’
‘I’m not meeting you and that’s the end of it. Leave me alone.’
For some reason, Karin still didn’t cut the call.
‘You owe me this at least,’ said Louie. ‘Listen to what I have to say. That’s all I ask.’
‘Okay. Okay,’ said Karin, eventually. ‘I’ll meet you. But it’s the very last time and then you disappear out of my life. I mean it, Louie.’
‘I’ll see you at the Doors Café at twelve. It’s by the Corn Exchange. You probably know it.’